All My Exes Live in Texas

Two months ago I was supposed to meet a guy I had been seeing for brunch at this restaurant I had been dying to try ( read that post here). I had suspected he was going to blow me off that day, so I had already planned on going by myself when he texted me an hour before we were supposed to meet up claiming he “wasn’t feeling well” and asked if we could reschedule. He must have come down with the “I just got laid” flu and died because that was the last time I ever heard from him. I was a little bummed because the sex was great but I wasn’t sure how I felt about hi so I guess I really didn’t care. I grabbed myself a bottle of champagne and went to brunch alone.

I sat at the bar and was finishing my bottle and my benedict when two girls with suitcases sat down next to me. We started talking and they mentioned they were originally from Texas, I told them I had always wanted to go to but wasn’t sure where to go or what I’d do when I got there. They made me a list of things to do in Austin and at that point it was time for them to leave. I decided to see how much a flight to Austin would cost and if it was cheap enough I was gonna go. An hour and $150 later I posted on Snapchat that I had accidentally drank too much champagne at brunch and booked a trip to Austin. A girl I had met at a bar a few months prior messaging me saying she had always wanted to go so I invited her.

I wasn’t really sure what was gonna happen on a trip with a girl I didn’t really know that well. My family really thought I was crazy and that I was probably going to get murdered or that I was being friendship catfished (is that a thing?). I honestly wasn’t even sure she was really going to go  but I wasn’t worried I was going either way and even if we didn’t end up getting along (which we did) at the very least we both got to go on a cool trip and we got to save on the hotel room and if we never saw each other again after that was gonna be fine.

My trip started with two flight delays. I had been super excited because I was going to be sitting I a row by myself. 20 minutes before my flight started boarding I noticed they had changed my seat which I was super displeased about until I realized that I was going to be sitting in business class with no one next to me. It was a redeye and by the time I got into Austin it was 1:30 am so I was thrilled to have the extra space. Plus I got to watch crazy rich Asians and cry and no one was sitting next to me judging my tears so that was cool. Guys, I was so spoiled I don’t know if I can ever go back to coach. I mean I’m gonna have to because I really can’t afford to fly anything other than coach but like I’m gonna be sad about it. Your girl was so spoiled.

This trip was wild. I have never really traveled with another person aside from a couple IMG_5980bachelorette parties and two-day road trip I took to see my favorite band so I wasn’t totally sure what to expect but I was really glad I did. I probably ended up doing a lot more because she was there than I would have done if I had been there on my own. Have you ever been so hungover that you threw up in the lobby of your hotel and the front desk agent had to hold your hair for you? That was my Tuesday morning.

Monday I started my day with breakfast margaritas at a restaurant called Juan in a million. It was honestly probably the best margarita I’ve ever had. After breakfast, we went to Graffiti Park and the Austin Zoo. I know people aren’t wild about Zoo’s but most of these animals came from situations where they were kept as pets by people who totally should not have been keeping tigers and monkeys as pets, obviously these animals could not have been released into the wild after being kept as pets so they ended up at the Austin Zoo. We got to feed llamas and deer and goats so that was pretty awesome too.

Grafitti Park was very cool. There are alot of really great murals. My friend went to the IMG_5987top of it but I stayed on the ground (not a fan of heights) and the more I looked at the murals the more things I noticed that I didn’t originally see at first look. Sadly Grafitti Park (also known as Hope Outdoor Gallery) is set to be demolished in January but it looks like they will be building a new park in the spring.

After we went to the zoo and graffiti park we did some shopping on S. Congress street. There was a super cool costume store called Lucy in Disguise with Diamonds that was recommended to us by our Uber driver and worth checking out if you’re ever in the area. We had a late lunch at a place called Guerros. Great tacos and the margaritas were decent but nowhere near as good as the one I had at Juan’s, I think that first one at breakfast spoiled me. After that, we went to Rainey Street which is basically a bunch of old houses that were converted to bars with cool outdoor patios. That was where the real fun started.

We hit three bars on Rainey street one of which had a slide and a claw machine full of dildos. I never knew I needed a claw machine full of dildos in my life until I had a claw machine full of dildos in my life. I mean I didn’t win anything (we weren’t carrying cash) but I still appreciated that I had the option. The last bar we headed to was the best (and IMG_5978cheapest). Immediately after we got there some guy (wearing a wedding ring) sat down at our table and started telling my friend and me about his foot fetish. It turned out that he actually just wanted someone to rub his feet because his feet hurt from an accident and we had to explain to him the difference between wanting someone to rub your feet and actually having a foot fetish.  That would’ve been ok except then he started telling my friend he was gonna be her sugar daddy and how his wife doesn’t love him. Finally, his friends came and rescued us from him and shortly after that my friend decided to call it an early night. I still had a drink so I decided to move to the bar where I befriended the (really attractive) bartender. I had planned to go see the Congress Street bats but apparently, they are in Mexico for the season so I asked him what else I could do at this time of night. I think he thought my friend ditched me or something because he started feeding me vodka drinks (after I had already cashed out) and eventually invited me to sleep at his house. Normally that would seem super weird but he was really friendly about it like he wasn’t actually hitting on me we were really going to sleep. I didn’t go, Instead, I found myself at VooDoo Donuts at 3am. The donuts were just ok, nothing to write home about and eating donuts at 3am probably contributed to my downfall.

I woke up super hungover and decided to go down to the lobby for some Gatorade. We were headed to San Antonio for the day and I wasn’t gonna let my hangover ruin any of my short trip so I was really trying to rally. But I think the motion of the elevator got me because as soon as I stepped off the elevator I was found myself puking into a trashcan while the front desk agent held my hair. That guy was seriously the real MVP. He could’ve just left me alone in my own self-inflicted pain but he brought me some water and helped me get my Gatorade and sent me on my way.

Guys I was in pain. I have been hungover before but I don’t think I’ve ever been that hung over. Somehow I was able to rally and we made it to San Antonio and honestly, I was pretty proud of my rallying abilities. We didn’t rent a car for the trip but we needed one to get to San Antonio so we had to pick the car up at the airport. That process was kind of a disaster. We waited in line for over an hour and when we finally got to the spot they told us to go to pick up our car we found a guy sitting in the driver’s seat driving away. The whole process took about an hour and a half but we finally got to San Antonio around 3:30 which was a little later than we wanted to get there.

We went to the Alamo which was pretty interesting but I will say that I was slightly disappointed at the lack of people yelling REMEMBER THE ALAMO but that would’ve been disrespectful as it was a pretty solemn place, so I guess it makes sense that no one IMG_5977was yelling anything. After we toured the Alamo we went to the river walk which was awesome. Lots of cool restaurants and shopping and it was really pretty. It was definitely different from what I was expecting but better than what I was expecting. I thought it was going to be more like a beach boardwalk, kinda like the boardwalk at Hampton beach but maybe not as dirty.  We did a little shopping, got some Texas BBQ and a couple of drinks and headed back to Austin.

I was still hung over at 9pm so we considered skipping 6th street but after a trip to the hotel bar we changed our minds and headed out. We wound up at this cool divey bar where a bartender named Cracker made us take shots called “Crack Snacks” two of those and three cocktails later it was definitely time to head to bed because I was not trying to have a repeat of the morning. My friend left after breakfast and since my flight wasn’t until much later today, I decided to explore more of 6th and Congress street. I got some pizza and some German Pretzels and headed to the airport.

Austin was great, definitely one of the best-drunk decisions I’ve ever made. I think I’d like to come back and see more of it when the weather is a little warmer but there are so many other places I want to see and since I will be leaving for Florida in the not so distant future I am holding off on spending any more money or booking any more flights until I’ve figured out exactly where I’m going to end up. Though Ireland is really cheap in March so if I can get the money together I think I will head there for a few days. All in all, I would give Austin 10/10 stars would do it again but probably would rent a car next time to make getting around faster and easier. We stayed on 6th so we were fairly close to everything but between it being kind of cold and my old ankle injury we wound up taking a bunch of ubers which got pricey especially if you plan to go to the zoo. We did get some good recommendations from a couple of our drivers so that in itself was worth it.

Advertisements

Whats Goin on

It’s no secret that this year has been particularly shitty for me. I mean it’s definitely not the worst year of my entire life but its up there. For a while, I was starting to feel like I was coming unglued but thankfully things seem like they are starting to turn around.

I have been taking some time off from working an office job to work on my general well being and figure out what it is I actually want to do with my life. I still haven’t figured it out but I don’t wanna drive my car off a bridge every day on the way to work so that is an improvement. I’ve been working full time and in school since I was a teenager and truthfully by the time I left the hotel I was burnt out and in desperate need of a break. I had spent so much time working towards a goal I wasn’t even sure I wanted that I never actually built my own life. My life became a constant circle of vodka and working jobs I hated trying to climb a corporate ladder I didn’t even want to be on and because of that I never really had any hobbies or really even knew what I liked doing.

I’ve had a pretty wild couple of weeks. I started doing standup about a month ago because I needed a hobby that didn’t involve tinder and vodka because it was becoming too awkward to tell someone that my only hobby was trolling dudes on tinder and hanging out with my dogs. It did turn out that because of my anxiety I needed to drink a fair amount of vodka to get the balls to do it and all my jokes are about my tinder experiences so when it comes to finding a hobby that didn’t involve tinder or vodka I kinda failed, but anxiety issues aside I am actually really enjoying it. Last week I did my first gig that someone actually booked me for. Which was pretty wild considering I hadn’t been doing it very long. It was live streamed on a podcast here’s the link if you’re interested. My set starts around minute 98 but there are alot of other great people worth listening to if you have time to listen to the whole thing. I started doing this with zero expectations but since I started I have met alot of really great friendly and supportive people. I have finally started to make some connections here (it only took me two years) and it’s really nice to actually be a part of something.

Last week I signed a contract with popular Instagrammer Single Babe Rebellion to be a contributor for their blog which is super exciting. The page is followed by over 15 thousand people so I guess I better learn how to spell and work on my grammar issues. My first article will go live this week. I started my True Life Tinder page as well as this blog as kind of a joke to share my dating disasters and possibly the lessons I learned along the way but mostly because it was all so hilarious I couldn’t keep it to myself. I never in a million years thought it would actually turn into anything other than maybe someone other than me laughing at my jokes for a change.

But the most exciting thing to happen to me lately is that a couple weeks ago I got engaged. Just kidding, but a drunk guy I was waiting on did get on one knee and straight up propose to me last Friday night. This random drunk strangers proposal was 10x more romantic than when my ex-husband proposed to me though. Honestly, I am slightly salty about that like damn had I known that strange men were gonna pull off better proposals than him I would have definitely said no which would have saved me a ton of time energy and aggravation in my life.

All jokes aside I am really happy with the direction of my life right now. I probably will never get to the top of the corporate ladder, and I probably won’t make nearly as much money as I could have if I had but I’m ok with that. I am really happy to finally be figuring out what I like doing and to actually have the time to do it, and my dogs are really happy that I am around to spend more time with them so that’s a nice added bonus. Also, I started saving for my move and so far I have about a thousand dollars which is a huge deal for me considering I have never had more than 16$ in my savings account so I am super proud of it

 

 

Bartender

Recently, I swiped right on a bartender. Not just any bartender, of course. One that worked at one of the three bars I frequent on first dates. Why you ask? Just because I wanted to see what would happen.

Nothing good has ever come of this mindset, so I don’t know why I keep doing it. But its hard AF to make friends as an adult, so I guess there’s the off chance we could be friends or something if he swiped right and we didn’t work out romantically.

In the end, he didn’t swipe right, and we didn’t match on Tinder. I forgot about the whole thing shortly after.

So imagine my surprise when I woke up a couple days later to a message, from him, telling me I was going to have to pick a different bar if we were going to hang out. I guess he swiped right, after all. Also, he definitely noticed me, and all my bad dates, coming to his particular bar.

We talked about normal stuff: how I had moved to the city almost 2 years ago, that I hadn’t had much luck meeting people and making new friends, and how I started to go on dates as a way to meet people.

Mind you, I always thought he was a bit of a dick. But I tolerated him because I liked the bar where he worked. But, the more I talked to him, the more I realized he wasn’t as much of a dick as I thought.

So I was thrilled when he said that we should hang out again. It seemed strictly platonic too, which is what I need right now. Plus, we both work in the same industry, which meant our schedules, opposite of a normal person’s, actually lined up.

We texted for a few days.

Then the conversation died off.

A couple of weeks after we stopped talking, I met my old boss for drinks to catch up. It was the first time I had spent time with them without needing to rush off, and I had one of the best nights out I’d had in a while. Seeing them was really bittersweet, and I didn’t realize just how much I missed them. I was pretty sad at the end of the night.

When we were done, it was still early and I wasn’t ready to go home quite yet. I didn’t want to go sit in a bar by myself, so I texted the bartender to see if he wanted to meet for drinks.

He was already headed home for the night, but said I could come by his place.

Normally, I’d tell any guy who invites me to his house at 11pm to fuck off. But, I was still under the impression that this was strictly a friend thing, so I just went over. It wasn’t like I had anything better to do, anyways.

I was actually enjoying myself! It’d been a long time since I just sat with someone, watched shitty TV, and talked.

Then he tried to cuddle with me.

Honestly, I just let it happen. I generally don’t cuddle unless I’m dating someone, but I had a weak moment because I was still sad from earlier in the night and I hadn’t been cuddled in a while.

Then, he kissed me hard.

Not in a sexy way, either. It was more like an assault on my mouth than a kiss. I tried to slow him down, which helped for short periods of time.

Eventually, he asked me if I wanted to sleep over. It was about 3am and I figured it was late, and we had come this far. Friendship seems off the table at this point.

We got in bed and started hooking up.

He got off before we even had our clothes off.

I figured we would give it a few minutes and pick up where we left off, not a big deal. But he got super freaked out about it, and couldn’t get it up again. Next thing I know, he was snoring. Not even an attempt to do anything for me.

I kind of wanted to leave but it was so late and I was already in bed so it was going to take way more effort than I was willing to put forth to put my clothes on and walk to my car so I decided to try and get some sleep. I haven’t slept next to someone in like two years so I was only able to get a couple hours of real shitty sleep and I had to work in the morning so I decided at 6:30AM that I was just going to go home and sleep in my own bed, so I got dressed and left. I stopped by his bathroom on the way out, and realized I had started my period at some point during the night. As if things weren’t awkward enough I had no idea when it started or if anything ended up in his bed and I had already left and said goodbye so I couldn’t really go back in and check and even if I had what was I gonna do? Wake him up and be like sorry bro but this just got 10x more awkward for both of us because I just got my period in your bed.

I know these things happen but this was the first time I had ever hung out with him so naturally I got super freaked out. I didn’t know what to do. Part of me wanted to text him and apologize, but it was definitely possible that nothing actually got in his bed so I decided to wait and see if he brought anything up about it.

I texted him when I got home and said I enjoyed hanging out with him and that id be down to do it again soon. I figured if I he knew anything about me starting my period that night he’s bring it up and I could apologize but he never did so I figured it’s probably fine. We texted a little after and then didn’t hear from him again after that except for one awkward run in at the bar.

Thursday we had a big storm it took me like 3 hours to get home from work so I was still awake at 3 am when I got a text from him, obviously drunk basically letting me know that he mostly wanted to sleep with me but we could still be friends and followed it up with something along the lines of “this is super weird but do you wanna see my dick”. It was the first time anyone had actually asked me if I wanted to see their dick rather than just sending me a picture of it. Somehow that made the whole dick pic thing that much more awkward than if he had just sent me the picture. Not that I even wanted it. I let him know that friendship was preferable but I would be fine if sex happened as well (this would be way more convenient than my current fwb situation as he lives an hour away and works an opposite schedule and the bartender lives down the street and we work similar schedules) but if that was the route he wanted to go it would never go beyond friendship and that I was still gonna keep bringing my dates to his bar because this situation wasn’t gonna change anything about my life. He said he was fine with that and we made plans for Friday night.

He blew me off which I kind of expected. I wasn’t really that upset about it. I really didn’t have high hopes from the start considering the awkwardness of our first encounter and I really only gave it any consideration because he lived so close.

Friend Zone

So I guess you could say I friend zoned one of my guy friends and things have been super weird since it happened. We were never dating, aside from a little flirtation he never expressed any interest in me beyond friendship but lately, things have reached a really weird gray area which has made me really need to define our friendship to him, and to myself.

Since moving out here I have made like two friends, not for lack of trying but my last job (and my constant depression from working a job that made me miserable) made it really difficult to make friends. Since I left the hotel I have kept in touch with about two people one of which was this guy who I had kind of had a thing for when we worked together. It was always flirtatious but at the time he had a girlfriend and we worked together so even if he didn’t have a girlfriend sleeping with a coworker was a mistake I really only needed to make once.

When I was let go from the hotel he started texting me all the time but usually, it was to talk to me about issues with his ex or other girls he was interested in which kinda bummed me out initially but the more we talked the less romantically into him I was. Eventually, we decided to meet for breakfast. He has a son so his kid went with us. Normally I wouldn’t be ok with meeting someone’s kid so soon but since it was just a friendly thing I figured it wasn’t a huge deal.

When we met for breakfast I was pretty much still in my pajamas, but he was actually dressed up which I thought was kind of weird because this is a guy who normally wears old band ts and ripped jeans but he actually looked kinda nice. I was starting to wonder if maybe I had misjudged the friendship thing and I was once again on a date I didn’t intend to be on but I decided I was gonna try not to overthink anything and just enjoy my pancakes.

After we ate breakfast we decided to take his son somewhere so he could play. That was when things got kind of weird, it started to feel more like we were a happy family enjoying a day off together and not like just a couple friends watching their friends kid play in a park. He ended up kissing me that day but we never talked about it after that, it kinda was almost like it never happened and I didn’t want to be the one to bring it up so I just let it go.

Honestly, I was relieved we didn’t talk about it. The more time we spent together the more I realized that he is the embodiment of all the things I don’t want in a partner. If I had ended up dating him he would have been another partner that I was gonna have to parent and that’s the last thing I need. Plus at that point, I had started to more seriously consider making a move so getting involved in a new relationship especially with someone who had a child wasn’t the right choice for me.

Even though we never talked about that weird day in the park it seemed like the dynamic of our friendship changed. Suddenly It felt like he was always judging me for things I would do or getting jealous when I would talk about going out with other people. He always started having a lot of expectations of me that went beyond the realm of friendship. For a while, I tried to be supportive because I know he has a lot of things going on right now but the more I was giving to the friendship the more demanding he was getting. Before I left for Florida we had a giant fight. Honestly, I had planned to just never talk to him again but he claimed that he was sorry and wasn’t going to talk to me the way he did during the argument again so I decided to just let it go. I was leaving anyway so in a few months an argument isn’t going to matter.

I tried to just let it go but more and more our friendship has been feeling less like a friendship and more like we are a couple who desperately needs to break up. Most recently we had an argument that lasted three days because he was mad that I went to meet up with a guy late night but whenever he asks me to meet up with him I tell him no, or that I’m too tired. Which is true, I do tell him no but the reason for that is because of his current living situation. Currently, he is staying with his ex’s mother and even though our friendship (as far as I’m concerned) is strictly friendly it would be inappropriate for me to go over there especially late at night, and I have told him this many times, not that I really should have to give someone an explanation for why I don’t want to hang out with them after midnight.

I have tried to talk to him about how weird and jealous he’s been acting lately but he always avoids the conversation. At this point, I wouldn’t even give a relationship with him consideration but it would be nice to know if I needed to change the way I approach our friendship. I don’t want to lose him as my friend but it’s getting to a point where it’s frustrating because I don’t feel like I can talk to him about anything anymore and there is no point in being friends with someone when you can’t talk to them about anything.

Guys have been complaining about being friend zoned since the beginning of time but, to be honest, most of the time at least in my experience they’ve friend zoned themselves. I can’t even tell you the number of messages I get from men who want to “start as friends and see where things go” then act surprised that things never went beyond a friendship. Like if you tell me you want to be my friend you can expect that you are gonna be my friend and only my friend. I am not a mind reader and I am not going to beg anyone to talk to me about their feelings so if you aren’t clear about your intentions how can you expect someone to know what your feeling?

I have had plenty of guy friends who I have developed feelings beyond friendship for but I have always made it a point to be honest with them about those feelings so that if they aren’t reciprocated I can remove myself from the situation rather than sit there and have to watch them be in another relationship. It is perfectly ok to decide you can’t be in someone’s life if they don’t have the same feelings for you that you do for them. You are never obligated to continue a friendship with someone, but if you have had that discussion and decide to continue to be friends with this person in the hopes that they are eventually going to change their mind than the fact that you’ve been fried zoned is on you.  Making friends as an adult is hard enough I don’t know why we’re all making it harder on ourselves by not being upfront about our feelings.

Your Body is a Wonderland

Yesterday, a grown ass woman tried to argue with me that a fat chick is every man’s biggest online dating fear.

I’m not sure what her experience was, either with being fat or dating someone fat (maybe even both), but her statement is false. There is nothing wrong with being fat. Despite the popular narrative that fat people are disgusting and unhealthy, most of us are generally healthy, good-looking, and desirable people.

I will be the first to admit I spend more time on dating apps than the average bear. At this point, Tinder-ing has become a fun hobby rather than a serious attempt at finding a partner. IMG_5223On any dating app I use, I am always upfront about my body. I don’t hide my body with angles or contouring, or whatever other shit magazines tell you to do to give the illusion of a perfect ass.

My pictures are un-altered: full body and displaying all my so-called “flaws” in all their glory. No one should ever say they were surprised by what I look like in person; any man that chooses to talk to me is fully aware of what I look like. I have over 5,000 tinder matches (a number that grows daily), and I easily get 50 messages a week on various dating apps. All from men who are fully aware of my appearance, and are still interested in getting to know me, or know my body.

Of course, you can argue that guys will put their dicks in any available hole given the chance. But this is 2018, and it’s honestly not really that hard to get laid. There really isn’t a reason to have sex with someone you aren’t physically attracted to, even if it’s just a one time deal.

I’ve had a lot of casual sex. Guaranteed it has never been with anyone I didn’t find good looking.

Are there men out there with “please don’t be fat” in their profiles? Definitely, but only a handful of them a most. I think in two years, I’ve maybe seen, like, 5 of these profiles.

Who wants to date a guy like that anyways? He could be the hottest guy in the world, but if that’s the first thing he’s worried about, you’re going to have bigger issues in your relationship. Do you really want to  have to worry that your no longer attractive to your husband if you can’t get that baby weight off after a pregnancy, on top of everything else you’re probably worrying about? Nah, I think I’ll pass.

Bodies change. No one is going to stay the same weight the rest of their lives. Also, in most cases you can tell someone is overweight from their photos. Just swipe left if that’s not your thing.

The only time my body is ever discussed in a negative manner, is when I’ve rejected a guy. I’m told I’m “too fat” to reject them.

This is an unoriginal, immature attempt by a little boy who didn’t hear the word “no” enough while growing up. He tries to make you feel bad about yourself, because you rejecting them made them feel bad about themselves.

Of course, they are gonna call you fat. But I’ve also seen men call thinner women fat for rejecting them too. Its nothing more than a last minute scramble to find something that will hurt your feelings. These are small men, and the opinions of small men don’t matter.

There are also guys out there who will turn their attraction to bigger girls into some creepy fetish thing. But in my experience, for every one of those guys there are two normal dudes who just think I’m as attractive as I am. Plus fat or not, there are men who will literally turn anything into a fetish. In fact, recently a guy told me he had a fetish for getting kicked in the balls. I don’t think he was kidding.

Like many, I struggled with the way I looked. For a long time, I thought a fat girl was a guy’s online dating nightmare, or that no one was gonna want to be friends with the fat girl. I spent a long-ass time in my life letting myself be trapped in bad relationships and friendships because I thought that being fat made me less worthy of finding people that legitimately cared about me. I allowed people to treat me like shit, because I felt that I needed to settle for what I could get or I was gonna end up alone.

I blamed a lot of things in life on my weight, but one day I realized that I was allowing my weight to dictate way too many things in my life. I am actually dope as shit and I deserve way more than I was getting.

I realized that my body wasn’t what caused my issues with men, it was the way I saw myself. It was the things I accepted, and the ways I allowed myself to be treated by others. It was not only my biggest issue with men, it was honestly my biggest issue in life in general.

If you take nothing else away from this post, just know that no matter what you look like there is going to be someone who is going to like you for you. You should never feel like you should have to change anything about yourself, or sacrifice something you really want in life for a partner (i.e. marriage, children, cake). If we learned nothing from Steve and Terri Irwin, we learned that no matter who you are or what you’re into, there is someone out there for you.

No matter what you look like, you are still you. The most powerful thing you can do for yourself is to learn to like yourself for the person you are.

New Rules

Over the last year, I have gone on a lot of dates. A lot is an understatement, I have gone on an average of three first dates a week. I’m honestly not looking for anything, I don’t think I ever was, sure it would be nice to meet someone but if I don’t meet someone I’m not gonna die. I don’t need a man, sure men are nice to have but men are like dessert you don’t need them to live. I had never really been on dates before, sure I had relationships but we never actually dated we were just friends with benefits that went on for entirely too long and went entirely too far. When I started going on so many dates I was really just looking for someone to hang out with for a  couple hours, bonus if it turned into anything more.

I didn’t (and still don’t) have many friends out here and making friends really isn’t my area of expertise, I’m super awkward and I make way too many dick jokes plus I got married at like 19 and divorced at like 23 so I really don’t have much in common with women my age. I was bored, and oddly enough at this point in my life tinder was the best way to meet people. Since I started this my dating life has become the topic of conversation among many people in my life, some who are living vicariously but most just want to know how I get so many dates, why and how do I handle all the disappointment of constantly going on dates that lead to nowhere.

The answers are simple- why? Because I’m bored, what are my options? Sit in the house and hang out with my dogs or go to bars by myself and spend money I don’t have to still have no one to talk to? Sounds lame. It costs nothing (except for maybe my drinks) to go out and meet someone. Maybe we go out and hit it off and start a relationship, maybe we decide that a relationship wouldn’t work but we could be friends, or maybe the date is hilariously bad and I end up with a funny story to tell later. All seem like way better options than talking to my dogs and drinking alone.

It’s not hard to find a date. I am not picky about who I go on dates with, but that doesn’t mean I’m desperate. I learned a long time ago that “my type” wasn’t working out for me, and I had dated idiots for so long that I really wasn’t sure what “my type” even was anymore so at this point as long as I can see myself at least being physically attracted to someone and they don’t come off like a total idiot I am willing to spend a couple hours with them. This has its peaks and valleys, your either going to have a really good or a really bad time. For the most part, my experiences are pretty decent and I wind up having a good time with a guy that two years ago I wouldn’t have even given a second look to. I also wind up with alot of really funny stories to tell about the bad ones, but after a year of dating I have put together a list of several dating rules that help to cut down the chances of having a bad date, getting catfished, or ending up in a dumpster.

Don’t waste time texting.

Seriously- if a guy hasn’t asked you to meet up with him within the first two/three days chances are he has no intention of ever meeting up with you. Even if he finally does ask you out people can pretend to be whoever they want on the internet and through a text message. He can seem great via text but when you meet him with him he could turn out to be a real dud, or worse a total asshole. Both of these have happened to me where I texted a guy for a couple weeks before we met up and once we did finally meet up he was a real jerk, but at that point, I had formed somewhat of an attachment to him which made it harder to cut ties after the date. Keep the texting short and simple until you meet up with them. Wastes less time and you won’t feel as bad telling him you aren’t going to see him again.

Don’t go to anyone’s house

I don’t understand why there are still guys out there who won’t be upfront about what they are looking for. Like it is not that hard to find just sex, you don’t have to go on a date (or several dates) pretending to be interested in someone to get to the point of getting laid only to disappear after you finally get laid. If a guy leads with something sexual or invites you to his place for a first date chances are he is just looking to get laid. Which is fine if you are looking for the same thing but if you aren’t don’t even bother. You’re just gonna end up with some guy poking you in the back with his boner while you’re trying to watch whatever Disney movie he put on.

Do your research

It amazes me that people are still out there getting catfished in 2018. Seriously there are so many ways to find info out about a person before you meet up with them that there is no reason anyone ever should be catfished. I usually reverse search someones phone number before I meet up with them. There are a couple reasons for this- first I never save any numbers in my phone until I’m sure about someone, which usually means that by the time I meet up with someone I can’t remember their names or what they look like. But if you reverse search their phone number you get their first and last name. If you can’t find them on social media you are definitely being catfished- no matter what someone says you do need a facebook to make a tinder account so if they say they don’t have one they are totally full of shit. I have also found out that guys I was about to go on dates with had wives or fiances at home and unless your into that sort of thing these are good things to know before you plan to meet up with someone. No matter what excuse they give you for cheating on their partner the cold hard truth of it is that they are an asshole who doesn’t care about the person they were with and they won’t care about you either. Cut your losses and move on.

Pick a place thats familiar to you

It has become abundantly clear how dangerous it is simply to exist as a woman. I don’t wanna say I’m paranoid but when you start doing the one thing your parents always taught you not to do (meeting strangers from the internet) You have to do whatever you can to make sure you stay safe. Chances are no one is going to do anything to you but it helps to be in a place that is familiar where if things are going badly someone is going to notice. Plus first dates are awkward enough as it is, being in a place you’re familiar with that is comfortable for you helps you feel a lot more relaxed and when your feeling relaxed you’re a lot more confident, or at least I know I am. I always take first dates to 1 of 3 bars depending on where they’re from, the bartenders know me and know if something is going badly. When I was with that guy who told me he had just gotten out of jail for stalking his ex the bartender went as far as to meet me at the bathroom and give her take on how I should handle getting out of the situation so I didn’t do anything that would set him off and make for a potentially dangerous situation. Things like this are a rarity. Not all men are bad men, some of them are idiots but so are some women.

Just meet for drinks

There is nothing worse than being stuck on a bad date. I always go for drinks on a first date because going for drinks can be as short or as long as you want it to be. If a date is going poorly when you’ve met for drinks you can be in and out in a half hour, even less if it’s really going poorly. If you go for an entire meal you’re going to be there for at least an hour maybe more and being stuck on a bad date for any extended period of time is a lot like being held hostage. I will also never understand people who do things like go hiking or go to a movie on a first date, like who are you getting to know during a movie? It’s just the two of you sitting next to each other in the dark not talking? Like, am I supposed to give you a hand job? Why are we here? As for the hiking thing- First off, I’m fat do I look like I’m doing a lot of hiking to you? No- so its going to be a lot of me being winded the whole time, plus I’m not so sure about entering the woods with a person I’ve never met before I’m pretty sure I saw that on a CSI episode once. I mean I guess if your an avid hiker or someone more athletic than I am hiking isn’t a bad date idea but if your gonna enter the woods with someone you’ve never met before I hope you bring a hatchet or something.

Don’t drag things out

For me, a big part of dating has been learning what I am and am not willing to put up with in a relationship. I am still trying to figure out whether or not some of my deal breakers are valid (ie shitty tippers) so its fine to question if you’re being too hard on someone, but it’s also totally fine to decide that a person exhibits a quality that makes you not interested in pursuing them. You will know right away if there is something about a person that bothers you, if it bothers you now it is going to bother you a year from now don’t enter into a relationship with someone expecting them to change just as you shouldn’t need to change yourself to better suit a person you want to be with. I spent way to much time in my life settling and trying to change people (mostly fix people) because I was afraid there wasn’t ever going to be another person interested in me because of the way I looked which is stupid because I’m hot shit and a guy would be lucky to have me. I stayed in a bad relationship way too long because I was afraid to hurt his feelings by breaking up with him despite the fact that he never had cared about all the times he’d hurt mine. There is always going to be a person who likes the things about you another person didn’t like.

Guys I am not an expert by any means, if I was good at dating I probably wouldn’t be one bad date away from getting another cat but these things have at the very least helped me not get beat up by someones angry wife or end up in a dumpster which wouldn’t really be ideal situations for me. Do I always follow my own rules? Nope, sometimes I get a little lazy, and that’s how I end up going on dates with toothless rappers or guys who just got out of jail, but I’m learning my lesson slowly but surely.