Chasing Waterfalls

Being the last single friend in your friend group is difficult for many reasons, the most difficult being that you have so many well-intending friends and their spouses are constantly trying to set you up with their terrible single friends. Sure not every set up has been terrible and I know that my friends just want to see me happy and in a healthy relationship for a change but damn some of the most ridiculous things that have ever happened to me on a date have happened because I let my friends set me up. Blind dates may have worked for Meghan Markle but they sure as shit never worked for me.

Initially, when I moved to this city I made a lot of new friends. That heard has since considerably thinned but within that group was a guy that everyone wanted to set me up with. He was “a bit weird but needed someone like me to get him out of his shell” and “would definitely treat me better than anyone else I had ever dated”. At first, I was firmly against this because he was weird and not necessarily in a good way but after a lot of convincing, I finally agreed to hang out with him.

I had some friends over for dinner and they insisted on inviting him. I decided to go with it because if I at least gave him a chance it would shut everyone up, it wasn’t gonna kill me to spend a little time with him, and who knows- maybe we would’ve hit it off. We had pasta and I felt super awkward and got incredibly drunk because vodka is the most logical way to deal with any awkward situations. My friend went to sleep in my guest room which left me alone with this guy they were trying to set me up with.

My drunk alter ego has a bad habit of sleeping with guys I don’t want to see again the first time I meet them. So the next thing I knew I was in bed with this guy who was telling me he was into some “really freaky shit”. I had heard this before but usually, the freakiest shit most guys can come up with is like wanting anal, I figured it was that so I dragged it out of him (and for the record that NEVER would have happened). The next thing I knew he was asking me to pee ON him.

I thought that was like a fake porn thing that people weren’t really into but here I was with some guy I wasn’t even into asking me to pee on him. I know everyone has things they like but somehow I feel like that is not a thing you ask a girl the first time you go out with her, especially if you know you are going to have to see her again. In most situations, I would have run as fast and far away as I possibly could but we were in my house and there was only so much I could say at that point because I knew I was going to have to see him pretty often.

What made it even worse was that he would not leave. He stayed the entire night which I don’t even allow a guy to do unless I am seriously dating him and the next morning he kept trying to get me to take a shower with him. Like NO JUST LEAVE JESUS CHRIST IT IS WEDNESDAY MORNING AND I NEED TO GO TO WORK. I felt bad but like there was no way that was ever happening.

I learned a couple of valuable lessons that day. First- don’t ever sleep with someone you’re going to have to see on a regular basis if you aren’t sure they aren’t into some weird shit. Second- always keep a hammer next to your bed….. just in case.

The tipping point

Sometimes I wonder if I have become so comfortable and attached to my singleness that I’m unintentionally sabotaging potential relationships because I’m just not ready to give it up. I always start dating a guy and at first, he’s cool but after a couple weeks, I start finding something wrong and slowly but surely this (probably small)  thing becomes a massive deal breaker. Its like I’m the Goldilocks of men- Goldi-cocks if you will.

I once went on a few dates with a guy who was a restaurant manager. He was really nice to me whenever we went out but he had nothing to talk about except his job. He was so obsessed with his job that two of our dates were to the restaurant he worked at. I asked him what his long terms goals were, which for me means things like do you want to buy a house or have a family but the only goals he had were career goals and his career goals all had to do with this one restaurant he was working in. It got incredibly boring really fast- and I work in the industry so I get how consuming it is but he literally had nothing to talk about. He also treated the waitstaff like shit, he would go into “manager mode” (his words) and start acting like an asshole to whoever was taking care of us. It was obvious that he had never been a waiter ever and it was really embarrassing especially for me who waitresses part-time.

I really believe that the way a guy treats waitstaff is a really good indication of how they are going to treat you. So things, like being rude or not tipping the server, are huge issues for me.  I always make it a point to watch how much my date tips the waitstaff. Tipping is 20% if you are too cheap to give your server a good tip for decent service than I don’t have time for you. I have been on a ton of dates and I have never once had service that was so bad that it warranted a shitty tip. If you are having a good time with the person you’re with you shouldn’t even be focusing on the server.

Also, I know its 2018 but I literally cannot stand men who smoke pot. Like it’s not even about the pot-  smoke all the pot you want but it’s this whole 420 friendly stupidity that I can’t stand. I realize that the fact that I don’t smoke is like a rarity but like what if I told you that you could smoke weed and not have to talk about it all the time. Its the equivalent of a cross fitter or a strict vegan. I don’t feel the need to tell everyone I’m vodka friendly….  just smoke your devil’s lettuce and shut the hell up about it. As long as your not spending all your money on weed I could really care less if that’s what you do to unwind. We all have our vices, as long as you can support your habit, pay your bills you do you, but for most of these guys, this is like a lifestyle much like the “manager mode” guy I dated it doesn’t seem like they have anything to talk about other than smoking pot.

Maybe these things aren’t as big deal breakers as they seem. As much as I like to think I’m like the dream girl maybe I am just not as ready for a relationship as I thought I was. I feel like everything in my life is so up in the air right now. Like I’m not even sure what I want anymore. I have been feeling very out of place in my own life lately, I uprooted my entire life to take a job that I thought would advance my career but all that job has done lately is kind of make me sad. I kind of realized lately that I don’t know anymore where I want to end up, that I have always done things that weren’t right for me because I was afraid of hurting people or leaving people behind, and in doing so I was the one got left behind.

 

 

Familiar Faces

I first joined Tinder and Bumble two years ago about a month after my four-year relationship ended. After four years I finally realized I deserved better than what I was getting out of that relationship and after a month-long break, I realized that nothing was going to change so I let him know that he could stay in our apartment while he figured out what he was going to do but he and I would not be getting back together. Despite the fact that he was an asshole I felt bad breaking up with him and also making him homeless at the same time. I didn’t expect that it was going to take him like 8 months to leave or that I would have to practically threaten to change the locks and put his shit on the front lawn to get him to finally move out.

Anyway, I joined tinder and bumble about a month after me and my ex split, it was sort of complicated because we were still living together. I did manage to meet a couple people, including this one guy. It was one of my first ever tinder experiences and to be honest it was enough to make me run fast and far away and never look back. You ever see a picture of someone and you feel like the room they’re in looks familiar, or that they look familiar but you can’t quite put your finger on who they are or what it is? That was how I felt when I matched with him. The rooms his pictures in were super familiar and so was he and one of the girls in one of his pictures but I couldn’t figure out why. I figured the girl was his sister or something so I didn’t question why there was a girl in a couple of his pictures. We started chatting, he was super friendly and charming and he sent memes so when he asked me to meet up with him I immediately agreed. This was back in the days where I really thought true love could be found on tinder.

He wanted to come to my house but that was obviously a no go since my ex was living there and could come home at any time. I always tried to be super upfront about my living situation when I was meeting someone new because I felt like it as unfair not to be. I also tried to be fair to my ex and not have men that I was romantically interested in in our apartment while he was still living there, despite the fact that I am pretty sure he didn’t have the same consideration for me. I offered to meet him at his place but he told me he had terrible roommates. He then proceeded to spend about an hour talking all this shit about his roommates and how awful they were, and how they used to be cool until they got married and now they hate each other, so it appeared that going to his place was also out.

We decided to meet at a park in the town where he was living. My sister lived in the same town as him and since I like to let someone know where I’m going and who I’m going with I decided to send my sister a picture of him and his phone number just so shed know where I was and who I was with if anything happened. That was when I figured out why everything about his pictures looked so familiar. HE WAS MY SISTERS ROOMMATE. Not only was he my sister’s roommate, he was living with his girlfriend of 10 years. Not only was he not single, he had just spent an hour talking shit about my sister and brother in law. What a scumbag! it was not actually surprising that he was a scumbag once I figured out who he actually was, I had heard plenty of stories about him and the type of person he was when he wasn’t bullshitting someone trying to impress them.

Here’s a little background on this… My sister had been renting a house with her now husband for about five years before this incident. It was kind of far away from where me and all our friends were living and they had a series of really shitty roommates, and the worst of them was this guy and his girlfriend. I had really only been to her house a handful of times and during those times I think this kid and his girlfriend had only come out of their bedroom for a total of five minutes and didn’t even say hello. So it was not totally crazy that I didn’t recognize him or her or the rooms his pictures were taken in until she pointed it out to me.

I was literally on my way out the door when my sister told me that this was her roommate and he was living with his girlfriend of 10 years. So I obviously told him I wasn’t going to meet him and asked him if his girlfriend knew he was meeting up with women from tinder, and that he was a lying liar who lies. He acted confused because “he didn’t have a girlfriend” so that was when I informed him that we had actually met before and that the terrible roommates he spent so much time talking about were my sister and her husband. Rather than admitting defeat he tries to tell me that he and his girlfriend had actually broken up but were still living together much like me and my ex. He said they hadn’t told anyone about the split and begged me not to tell my sister because he “didn’t want to stress her out”, he also begged me not to tell my sister about all the shit he had talked about her and her husband during our conversation.

I was obviously sending her the screenshots of our entire conversation. I don’t know how she managed to continue to live with him after that and not bring it up but somehow she did, and he never knew that she knew absolutely everything he said. The tinder guy and his non-girlfriend moved out a few months later- together-and are now engaged.  As for my ex, he finally moved out right after Thanksgiving two years ago- 8 months after we had broken up. Things had gotten pretty ugly and when he left he tried taking one of my dressers becuse “I gave it to him” (I didn’t- I allowed him to use it while he lived here, hardly a gift) and he took the toilet paper when he left because “He paid for it” (it was one of the only things he paid for the entire time we were together but ok)- as if I didn’t pay in days of my life that I could have been enjoying for every day that I spent with him during our relationship.

Confessions of a Domestic Failure

I am really bad at being an adult- Like I really aspire to be one of those women who drink Kale and eats organic and does yoga and has well-behaved dogs and has a spotless apartment, or at the very least can keep a plant alive. I’ve tried- I really have, but my reality is more like- I spent $70 on groceries I don’t know how to cook, set the fire alarm off in my apartment building making toast, and I have to muzzle my dogs and take them on separate walks because one of my dogs tried to knock my neighbor over and steal the socks off his feet when we were coming out of the elevator, and the other dog won’t stop trying to eat her brother. I am basically the embodiment of a Pinterest fail. I’m lucky if I left the house and remembered to put my shirt on. As I write this I’m staring deep into the eyes of a pile of laundry I am putting off doing knowing damn well that I had to buy socks to wear today because I was completely out of clean ones. I should be cleaning because my mom is coming to stay with me,(who took this video of me cleaning my apartment? )and I know if I don’t she will. Which is great because she does a much better job than I ever could, but I’ll never be able to find anything ever again.

I can’t cook- like at all. I used to think I could cook but after a couple of years of eating what can only be described as prison food and multiple visits from the fire department, I charliehad to face the reality that much like that time I went to hairdressing school, me and the kitchen were not a match made in heaven. I am really good at wine, and I can load a mean dishwasher but when it comes to cooking dinner I think I top out at heating up a frozen pizza. I did try blue apron for a while, but cooking one blue apron meal took every pan in my kitchen and three days to clean up after and I don’t know about you but I just don’t have that kind of time. Not to mention it was costing me a small fortune. $60 just on three meals and you still have to eat for the rest of the week and I eat more than one meal a day, and while these three meals were giving me three days of lunch and dinner, I wound up spending like over $120 per week on food for just me (not including cheese) which is double my normal budget. Plus everything had Kale in it (Kale is a great source of nutrition but let’s be real it doesn’t belong in every meal), and if you found something you really liked you can never make it again because you can’t find half the ingredients in the grocery store. I also tried a lot of recipes from Pinterest which were usually a disaster. I had so many dinner failures from Pinterest recipes that I was starting to think the problem was Pinterest and not me. Here is one recipe that I have had really good luck with.

I moved to this city a year ago to advance my career. I really love it here, because I’ve always dreamed of living in a place where I can get breakfast delivered. Moving here that dream a reality. Sure- I haven’t actually done it, because why would I spend $20 to get pancakes delivered when I can just make them at home, but I am really attached to having the option. You can pretty much get anything delivered here- Laundry, groceries, tinder guys,- it’s probably my favorite part of being here, but I am kind of bored. I have been trying really hard to find some sort of hobby that doesn’t involve tinder, vodka, or cheese.

I never really had time for hobbies because I was lolaalways taking care of grown ass man babies, or in school, or working a million hours so this is a like a whole new world for me. I’m kinda like Aladdin except instead of falling in love with a princess I just have a lot of free time that I’m not used to having.  I used to do yoga so I thought about going back because it was a healthy and productive thing to do with my spare time, plus I felt really amazing and was in really good shape when I was doing it.  The problem is most classes are catered to people who don’t work 9-5 Monday- Friday so it has been tough to find a class that fits into my schedule, and since my version of “doing yoga” is rolling around on the ground and swearing at someone under my breath for an hour and 15 minutes twice a week I am not sure I want to part with the $30 a week which could be spent on vodka.

A few months after I moved here I watched my moms dog for about a week and noticed what a difference in my dog’s behavior having another dog around made. I thought maybe the reason Charlie was so stressed all the time was because he needed a friend that wasn’t a cat. I decided to adopt another dog. I got the ok from my landlord and was set up with a rescue by a friend. The rescue only had one small dog- she was blind and I was hesitant to take on a special needs dog because I wasn’t sure I was going to be able to give her a good home because I had no experience with anything even remotely close to caring for a dog like her. I agreed to at least foster her, in retrospect I knew she was coming home to stay. It has been a struggle. I was prepared for it to be hard, but its hard in ways I was not prepared for. Her blindness is the least of her issues, but no matter how hard things get with her she is still the best thing I have ever done. Taking home a dog like Lola has taught me a lot about patience and has shown me an entirely different meaning of love. Sure- my two dogs are not the worlds greatest friends like I had hoped they would be, but bringing her home has brought an entirely new dynamic to our fur family.

So my dogs don’t like each other and I can’t cook and my house usually looks worse after I’ve cleaned it than it did before I cleaned it. But my rents always paid (I mean it’s late but its still paid) and I have managed to keep five animals alive (no plants but the pets are good). I always feel like everyone around me is just crushing life and I am just out here spending money like I’m a Kardashian, barely wearing pants, living off of $4 champagne, cheese and too much vodka, and tripping over things while getting constantly barraged with dick pics- but I feel like I am not the only one out here living her best life but like her best life is just kind of a little bit of a disaster.

Pen Pals

One of the worst things about online dating, or I guess dating in general is this weird ass group of men who only want to sext you and exchange pictures. Like I don’t know about anyone else but I didn’t join tinder to find a pen pal. If I wanted one of those I would just write to someone in prison, they definitely need it more than your ass (probably) sitting in your mom’s basement fighting with 12 year olds on Xbox live (I’m not sure that’s even a thing anymore?), and it would probably be considerably less effort than having to talk to most of these guys.

These guys come in many different shapes and sizes. First there’s the ever-present “send a pic hun” guy. Something about a guy calling me hun literally makes me gag but that’s a me 1different thing entirely. They aren’t even necessarily asking for nudes, most of them just want you to send them a bunch of selfies.  First off -I am not a selfie person, not to say I don’t think I look damn good, I just don’t think I need to have 700 pictures of myself on my phone, I know what I look like and you messaged me on my internet dating profile which has like six pictures of me which means you also know what I look like. These guys usually do this at like 7 o’clock in the morning before  I have barely had my coffee. I think it’s because they think most women aren’t awake enough to reject them.  I will usually tell them I’m not into that or that I don’t really have any pictures to send. Then they want you to take one. Bro it is 7am, I have barely had my coffee and even if I didn’t think this whole exchanging pics thing was weird af I would not be starting any photo shoots to send you pics so you can jerk off to them later- sorry. If they really push it I do have a decent amount of super unflattering photos that I will send. Especially if they ask for something “sexy”. Sure- heres this picture of me eating cake in a sombrero… enjoy.

Then there’s the sneak attack selfie guy. It starts off as a fairly normal conversation and then all of a sudden you get some weird ass super unflattering way to up close picture of his face. And it always happens at like the weirdest times. One minute we’re talking about our plans for the weekend and the next thing you know you get the weirdest possibly worse picture someone has ever taken of themselves. I think they’re expecting me to say they look hot or something but it’s so awkward so I usually respond with something along the lines of “thanks for your face I guess” hoping they’ll feel as awkward as I do, or I’ll try to ignore it and hope it goes away. It never goes away, they usually follow it up by sending three more variations of the same picture (for good measure I guess) or ask”what did you think”. Like to be honest I think you should probably run these by a female friend before sending them to any potential women you might be interested in so they can tell you how fucking weird it is- but that feels mean and I’m not mean so “thanks for your face” it is. Like I have flat-out told men how weird and creepy I think it is and 10 seconds later I get a barrage of pictures, and when you don’t respond in a way that’s satisfying they get all mad because “clearly you’re not into this”- as if you didn’t just tell them you weren’t into four minutes before they decided to send it to you.

If they aren’t sending you  bad inappropriately timed selfies and begging for pictures they’re sending you dick pic. I would love to find just one woman who is really into the dick pic. Like unless your dick is covered in glitter I probably don’t want to see it. YannoDick pics what I do wanna see pictures of? Your dog- send me a dog pic that’s what really impresses me. I have  gotten so many dick pics since I got on tinder that I started responding to them with pictures of better looking dicks. Like originally I was responding to them with pictures of my cat (yanno- here’s a picture of my pussy) but then I got the idea to respond with pictures of better looking dicks and it was the smartest thing I’ve ever done. My favorite part is like you send them a dick pic in response to a dick pic and these guys so confused they are always like “why do I need this?”- well why did you think I need yours? Like we were just talking about the weather and now I have this picture of your dick looking like a shar pei, I didn’t ask for that. Now we both have a picture of something we didn’t need- you’re welcome. I really want to know how they think it’s gonna go down when they send something like that. Do they think theirs is like the first one I’ve ever seen? I have news for you- your girl has seen quite a few dicks in her day and if you’ve seen one you’ve seen them all. They also seem to always want naked pictures of you. I have had several guys even go as far as offering me money for nudes. The other day I had a guy offer me $100 for nudes (including a picture of my asshole….who the hell is even capable of doing that? I am dying to know) and $200 for sex (which seems like an unfair trade considering he was offering $100 for a “spread” of pictures). I told him that seemed pretty hookery, and he told me I was “only a hooker if I do it all the time”. Solid logic I guess. Like yeah guys I have pretty amazing boobs but you can’t just go around showing strange men all the amazing things about yourself without making them work for it at least a little.

Last- my least favorite, are the sexters. These guys don’t even want to pretend they give a shit about how your day went. You barely even get a hello out and all of a sudden its like your under attack. I am totally not a prude either, like in the right situation I can get totally down with the dirty pictures and the dirty text messages- but not with some guy I just started talking to four minutes ago. No random guy has ever initiated a dirty conversation with me and I’ve just been like damn this is so great I hope this continues. These are the guys who always want to talk about what a huge dick they have too. I am a firm believer that it’s not the size of the ship its the motion of the ocean but have you ever noticed that no matter how many guys you talk to they all have 8+ inch dicks. And even with photographic proof of their four-inch wonder they still wanna act like its gonna be the biggest thing you’ve. Listen bro I have seen a measuring tape a few times in my day and I can tell the difference between a 5 inches and 8 inches, you aren’t fooling anyone except yourself buddy.

There are so many guys out there who are incapable of carrying on a normal conversation. God forbid they don’t get the response they want then they start getting hostile. If you don’t ohh and ahh over their weird selfie or the dick pic you never asked for all of a sudden your fat and ugly and unworthy of their shrivel dick in the first place.  Like I’m fat but you’re the fucking weirdo who can’t step out from behind your cell phone to get to know a girl before you start acting like a sexual predator. Like nobody asked for this? I thought we were going to have a friendly conversation about our likes and dislikes but all of a sudden you’re having a tantrum because you aren’t getting enough attention in the middle of a work day.

28

I’m not going to meet my husband on tinder, or POF, or OkCupid- or any of those other websites for that matter. I mean- I wouldn’t be against it, and I wouldn’t shut down the possibility of a real relationship, but lets be real tinder and all those other dating aps are meant specifically for hookups. It’s just that I spent so much time over the past two years getting lame dick when I could have been asleep that I really don’t have the patience for it anymore. For real most of these guys couldn’t achieve a female orgasm if we came with an instructional video and a map. It got incredibly boring, and since I haven’t lived in this city very long and haven’t managed to make many friends  I started getting kind of lonely. After my 957th lame hookup I deleted the ap, but after a breif hiatus I got bored again- this time for different reasons so I decided to re download  and approach tinder differently, and actually date- something I have never done.

Since ending my hoe phase I’ve probably been going on 3-5 dates a week. Most of them were ok, just not people I wanted to see again (example: a 28 year old man still living at home because he “didn’t feel like paying bills”) or maybe the timing was off, or the initial date was great but the guy wound up being a huge flake.

Flakiness is one of my biggest pet peeves, seriously there’s  nothing worse than a guy who starts out really good but then can’t follow through with anything after the first date. Like I am a pretty understanding girl and I get that things come up but if you just blatantly bail on me or  frequently cancel or reschedule at the last possible minute I am not going to keep seeing you- no one is that busy that they can’t have common decency, if your that guy then really your just kind of a dick.

thumbnail (1)I also can’t stand guys who think that just because they spend an hour with you or buy you a couple drinks that they are entitled to sex. I got a message from a 33 year old man a couple weeks ago which was basically an overly worded version of him telling me that he would like to take me on a date but if he were to take me on a date he would expect some sort of sexual compensation – for example a hand job- to prove that I wasn’t just using him for free drinks or as a time filler. Yes- you did read that- a grown ass man asked for a middle school hand job in order to take me on a date. Like no thanks bro, I can buy my own drinks.

I want to preface this by saying that I’m not a paranoid person, but I also don’t want a CSI episode written based on my untimely death, and there’s only so many times I could’ve borrowed my neighbors stun gun before she started to question what I was really doing three to five nights a week that required a stun gun. And since I am literally summoning men from the internet to meet me in bars there is no guarantee that I won’t wind up in a dumpster so you really can’t be to careful because you just don’t know what your going to run into.

I once had to have the police tell a tinder guy to stop harassing me  (he literally sent 500drink-e1524011504368.jpg texts in one day and when i blocked his number he called me 65 times from a private number and left a bunch of crazy voicemails) so now I always make sure I share my location with a couple of people and for the most part I try to bring all first dates to the same two restaurants. One is a pricier restaurant that I really enjoy- where I sort of know a bartender well enough that he  would notice if something was wrong. I really only bring guys there if I feel like they would enjoy the experience and if I have enough cash in my budget to go halves because it is on the expensive side and I wouldn’t feel right going there with the expectation that he would pay for a 100$ meal for a girl he barely knows, isn’t going to get laid by, and chances are will only maybe see one or two more times before things fizzle out. The other bar is a more casual place with 5$ cocktails and a huge beer selection – cheap enough where I don’t mind paying for my own drinks if I have to and my friends boyfriend is a bartender there. I also feel like I have frequented that bar enough over the past year that people working there would probably notice if something was going terribly wrong, plus they have the best nachos in the city.

So with all those dates I figured someone had to have noticed that I am there usually sitting in exactly the same bar stool with  several different guys a week. I was actually starting to feel a little insecure about it, so much so that I had recently posted on facebook “how many dates can I bring to the same bar before the staff starts to notice- asking for a friend”. Most people figured they probably had noticed by now, but I got the real answer last weekend at my birthday party. I don’t care that I’m almost 30 I celebrate my birthday for pretty much an entire week.

I started my birthday weekend by getting wine and cheese and chocolate at that niceish restaurant that I bring some of my dates to with one of my friends from home. We got pretty friendly with our waiter and talked about some of our dating experiences. The next night a bunch of us went bowling and then out to the bars after. A couple of the waitstaff at the bar I bring most of my dates to were there and since my friend knew just about everyone  we started talking to them and I jokingly asked if they had noticed yet how many different dates i take to that restaurant. They do, and they eavesdrop and pretty much take bets (fair) and make sure the guy I’m with isn’t going to murder me, and for the most part they all think I can do much better than some of the guys I’ve been out with. I also ran into my waiter from the previous night who remembered me and my friend (first and last names) and gave me a code word to use to let him know if I was ever in trouble on a date, so that he could help me get out of it.

To be honest, these are the most comforting things anyone’s ever told me. It’s not that I don’t believe I can do better than most of the guys I’ve been going out with, but in a world that thinks you should settle because its better than being alone and I’m not getting any younger its nice to hear that, because as a person who did settle for 10 years for treated worse than shit by the men I was with because she had low self-esteem. I know for a fact that settling is not worse than being alone. That being alone and being alone is significantly better than being alone and being with someone. So its nice to hear that strangers think I can do better than most of these tinder idiots who for the most part are only slightly less lazy than the guys I spent the last two years just hooking up with because at the very least they will take a girl on a proper date before expecting to get laid.  But the most comforting part of all of it is knowing that despite the fact that I am at least an hour away from most of my friends and family there are still people out there who would notice and step in if something was going on wrong. It made me feel not quite so alone in a city where for the past year- even though I have been having alot of fun- I have felt pretty lonely and that was probably the best birthday gift that I got this year.

Harlot

So every once in a while I go on what I think is the worst date I have ever been on. First there was the guy who called me a racist because of the town I grew up in (which by the way is not a racist town at all…??) and practically yelled at me because it was our second date and I wasn’t gonna bang him, Then there was the lion- who told me he wouldn’t tolerate coffee consumption because “thats an addiction”, and lastly there was the guy who never got his drivers license because of 9/11. They were not bad guys just really weird. But my date from last Thursday definitely won the gold medal when it comes to the dating Olympics.

He had been messaging me on and off for a couple weeks. He’d start a conversation and then disappear for a week or two, come back and pick up where he left off. I mentioned I was newish to the city and he offered to show me around, I figured it couldn’t hurt to see some new bars. I had been sort of sick to my stomach all day when he asked me if I wanted to get a drink with him. Despite the fact that I wasn’t feeling that great I agreed to go out with him. I figured I could be miserable at home by myself or I could go out and grab a drink- it wasn’t like I was going to feel any better whether I stayed at home or not.

We agreed to meet at 7- I even texted him at 630 to confirm that we were meeting at 7, so I was more than a little annoyed when he texted me at 7:05 to tell me he was 8 minutes away. I considered leaving, but I had put on real pants and makeup and I already had a drink so I figured the least he could do was pay for my drink if he was going to be almost 20 minutes late.

I assumed he was probably coming from work which would have been a reasonable excuse, I get held up at work all the time- I don’t usually wait until 5 minutes after I was supposed to be there to let someone know, but I consider myself to be an extra considerate person. I found out this wasn’t the case when he informed me that he was on disability and hadn’t had a job since 2004. I try hard to not be judgmental about people on disability but dude- you could have at least shown up to the date on time since you and I both know you weren’t at work. Things are going ok- they weren’t terrible, but he was alot older than his profile said he was, he hadn’t worked in a very long time, had no long or short term goals, and he had a criminal record. He just wasn’t the type of person I saw  a future with, but I was already there so I figured I would just see this one through.

At about the same point that I realized there was not gonna be a second date he tells me hes going to “go outside and bum some cigarettes”.  My 36 year old date then drags me outside in the cold to bum cigarettes from people smoking behind the bar. Everyone has their vices, I get it- but at 36 years old you should be able to support your own habits. At this point it becomes clear that I am probably paying for my own drinks. He asks me if I want to head to a different bar he wants to show me. I say sure, to be honest I don’t know why I didn’t end the date at this point- I still wasn’t feeling well, and I wasn’t having a particularly good time, but I’m a really nice person and he was having a good time so we paid our separate tabs and head to the next bar.

We get to the other bar and it turns out hes a regular there. He starts sharing stories with the other patrons, and I am feeling super out of place. We stay for an hour or so and then he tells me to grab the tab. I end up paying the tab for the last two drinks. So to recap- he’s bumming cigarettes, I paid for my own drinks at the first bar, and both of our drinks at the second bar.

I really should have gone home after that. But if were being honest I really needed to get laid, and I’m having minor surgery at the end of the month that will put me out of sexual commission for a few weeks so I figure I would seize the opportunity to get it in with someone I didn’t worry about impressing to much and didn’t plan to ever talk to again. He takes me back to his apartment on the other side of the city and we start getting down to business when all of a sudden my stomach ache gets worse. I start feeling really sick and tell him that I wasn’t feeling well and that I need to leave. He tells me its late and I should stay the night plus “he wants to keep banging”. I again reiterate that I am not feeling well and am going home. He disappears into the bathroom and I hear the shower running. So at this point I figure its pretty clear to him that I am not feeling well and I am leaving. I pack up my stuff put on my clothes and leave. 10 minutes later I get a barrage of angry texts about how I “just dipped” “wtf is wrong with you” and my personal favorite “your tits aren’t that great I was interested in your personality but that just went down the toilet good fn luck maybe you should try not going home with people the first night if your gonna be a whore and leave”. Like DUDE first of all calm down, your dick game was mediocre at best. Second of all did you want me to projectile vomit all over your studio apartment? What did he expect I was gonna do? “Be a whore” and move in as opposed to be a whore and leave? He didn’t even wait for a response he blocked my number and unmatched me faster than he turned that bar tab over for me to pay.

I mean I guess in hindsight I probably should have just thrown up in his bed. Like hey dude I’m having a bad night and now so are you- but I really thought leaving was the appropriate way to deal with it, and I really don’t know how much more clear I could have been. Not that I really care what an almost 40 year old who cant even pay for his own drinks thinks of me, it was more that I just couldn’t believe that this grown ass man was throwing a literal temper tantrum via text messages. I guess the moral of this story is if he’s lame in the streets hes gonna be lame in the sheets and hes probably going to call you a whore.

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