DeJa Vu

If you know anything about me you know that since  I moved to this city you know I have probably dated or slept with (but mostly dated)  about 2/3 of the age-appropriate male population. When I first started doing this co-worker told me to be careful because even if it was a big city it was more like a small town and I was bound to run into these guys again. I just kind of brushed it off, and honestly forgot about it until I got a job working in a bar in the city. I have only worked there two days but so far my friend’s warning has ended up being true. I have run into these guys and it has for sure been awkward.

The first night I worked there I ran into a guy who was friends with a girl I used to hang out with. I had slept with his roommate two years ago but every time I ran into him he felt the need to bring it up like some sort of condescending asshole. I never liked this guy and I wasn’t sad when I no longer hung out with that girl and didn’t need to see him anymore. Of course, he shows up at the bar on my first day and proceeds to tell anyone he comes into contact with about how the bartender fucked his roommate. To be honest it was so long ago I barely even remember doing it so clearly this guy doesn’t have much going on if he feels the need to tell anyone who would listen about sex that he wasn’t even involved in. That wasn’t a big deal, I can deal with that. I am not ashamed of anything I’ve done. Its 2019 everyone has sex, to be honest, he made himself look like an idiot more than anything else. I know that wasn’t the goal but that was what he did.

Last night I started my first shift alone the third customer that walks in is this guy that looks super familiar. I was pretty sure he was a guy I had gone on a bad date and had equally bad sex with ( read about that date here). It had been a while and he wasn’t acting awkward or like he recognized me at all so I figured he probably wasn’t him. Even if it was there was nothing I could do about it, I still had to serve him so I decided to make the best of it. We got to talking about how I got the job and the fact that I do standup comedy and he asked me which famous comedians I liked the best. I answered him the way I usually do “honestly I never really followed it, I just needed a hobby that didn’t include tinder and vodka so here I am”. Finally, he goes “yeah I saw you on tinder once, I swiped right” thank god my back was to him because it took everything I had in me not to be like “fucking duh dude you have literally been inside me”.

I’m not sure if he really doesn’t remember me or if he was just trying to not make things weird because honestly, the guy is a total asshole and totally average so I can’t imagine he is getting laid that often that he would forget having sex with a whole person if he ran into them. I kept hoping he was going to leave but he stayed until I closed the bar down and my boss confirmed that he is a regular there so this is bound to get interesting.


I’ve been wanting to write this for a while because I feel like I’ve broached this subject many times without giving any real detail on it, and I feel like its important because it is such a large part of what made me the person I am today and since Monday was my anniversary and the day I got a weird ass message from his brother I feel like now is as good a time as any.

Most days that part of my life feels like it didn’t really happen. Most days it feels like a bad dream I tell people about over coffee. Most days I have pretty much forgotten about the three years he spent destroying my life, or my nervous breakdown brought on by his abuse or everything else that went along with being in an extremely abusive marriage. I find that as time has gone by I speak much less openly about the things that happened during my marriage, not because I’m ashamed that I allowed someone to treat me the way that he did but because as time has gone by I have been able to take the lessons I learned from the situation and put everything else in the past where it belongs. I have far from forgotten what happened and even though it is a huge part of me it feels much less a part of me now than it has over the years that followed our split. In a sense, I have been able to pack those things away and move on from it.

I hesitate to call that part of my life a marriage. It wasn’t, it was more like a hostage situation than a marriage. My husband wasn’t a partner, he was an abuser, a manipulator, and an addict.  I worked my ass off to support someone who did nothing but lie to, steal from, and cheat on me. There was a period of time where I had to sleep with my purse because any time I had the least bit of cash on me it would disappear and it didn’t matter if that was our rent money or gas money so I could get to the job that was supporting us, of course, it was him stealing my money but at the time I was so manipulated that he had me convinced someone was coming in the window in the middle of the night stealing my money. I wasn’t being held against my will but I was so badly physically and emotionally abused that I felt as though I deserved all the awful things he had done to me. I was constantly gaslighted by him which he used as his motive for any abuse I endured from him. According to him I was “crazy” and brought everything on myself. When I sought help from my family to deal with his issues he took my wedding and engagement ring because “I didn’t deserve them” I would later find out he sold them but the reasons he sold them vary.

Being with him was literally killing me. I had gotten incredibly thin because I couldn’t eat but even at the smallest weight, I have ever been he would use the fact that I was “to fat for him” as his excuse for cheating on me. I couldn’t hold a job because I was so depressed I couldn’t get out of bed. I had a nervous breakdown and was hospitalized, I missed my nieces birth. I left for the first time shortly after I was released from the hospital. When he convinced me to come back we were on the verge of being evicted and he had trashed our apartment so badly that I had to wash dishes in the bathtub.

Things had gotten so bad that everyone from his family and friends to our local police department were trying to get me out of the situation. I finally left for good when I caught him lying about where he was for the 1000th time and found him with his ex-girlfriend. Over the next two days I found out through my best friend that our other best friend (who I had confided in alot about things that were happening) was going on days long benders with him and his ex-girlfriend, that she had known that he had been the one setting out house up to look like it had been robbed so he could sell all my belongings for drug money and that she had known all along that he had been cheating on me. An hour after I got that phone call his cousin called me and asked me to meet him at the grocery store. He told me similar things he had found out about my ex and told me that I wasn’t going to survive if I didn’t leave. I finally snapped, I went home threw our mattress off the balcony (which in hindsight was a really poor choice) and ended things for good.

I was a mess, obviously. I jumped immediately into another bad relationship. Partly because I didn’t know how to be alone and partly because I was trying to prove to my ex-husband that everything he made me believe about myself was wrong. I stayed in that relationship for four years until I realized that I was giving more time in my life to another person who didn’t give a shit about me to prove to someone who also didn’t give a shit about me wrong. I had three back to back bad relationships in a 10-year time span and I needed to take some time to be on my own and sort out my shit so that I didn’t put myself in another situation like that again.

In order to be able to move on from everything he did to me, I had to learn to accept an apology I would never get. I had to learn that holding on to the resentment was hurting me more than it was hurting him. I eventually realized that everything I had done in the years following my divorce were done in an effort to prove someone wrong who I wasn’t even sure remembered I existed, and who if he did I was certain he wouldn’t care. The biggest mistake that people leaving bad relationships make is holding on to that anger and resentment and use it as an excuse to hurt other people who come into their lives ultimately punishing someone who had nothing to do with your pain. I had to stop giving the power in my life away to people who didn’t deserve it.



The New Year

2018 was a wild year for me both good and bad. It’s definitely not the worst year I’ve ever had but it has certainly been challenging. As challenging as this year was it was also probably the year with the greatest amount of personal growth.  I started my Truelifetinder Instagram page on New Years Eve 2017 in a Sephora while I was getting my makeup done for the New Years Eve Gala I was attending with my then best friend. I never ever expected that I would end up with over 700 followers, I thought it was just gonna be like 50 of my friends.

New Year’s Eve 2017 should’ve been a pretty good indication of how my year was going to. Tensions with my then best friend over her relationship choices led to a massive (and probably vodka induced) blow out which ended in me leaving the gala and ringing in my new year in the back of a cop car that my uber driver sent to find me when he couldn’t locate me and after 40 minutes I told him to cancel the call and I’d just walk back which in hindsight was a poor choice because I had no idea where I was and there was no chance I was going to make it back to my hotel with a dead cell phone in a literal ball gown. It’s been over a year and we still haven’t spoken.

By the end of January, I had gotten some pretty scary health news which had me reconsidering everything I thought I wanted out of my life. By April after a biopsy and a surgery, I was totally fine but it had changed all the things I thought I wanted in my life. I was absolutely miserable in my job that I had moved my entire life to Worcester for. I was already setting myself up to leave after the summer when I was laid off in July. It wasn’t entirely a shock, I was pretty prepared for it and honestly kind of relieved. I took a part-time job bartending to supplement my income and to help pay my 1600$ a month rent and decided to focus on writing and doing shit that made me happy as well as trying to save money to move to Florida which was something I had wanted to do for easily 10 years.

Starting that Instagram page and this blog was a catalyst for me to meet people who were at the same point in their lives as I was which I never ever expected. This is great because I had been feeling pretty lonely now that all my friends had gotten married and started their families and meeting people as an adult is really hard. I submitted a couple pieces that were published by thought catalog and became a contributor for the Single Babe Rebellion blog (you can read those articles here). I had always written but I never felt comfortable enough to share the things I was writing and suddenly my articles were being read by sometimes up to 1k people.

Three months ago I did some standup at an open mic for the first time. I thought it was just gonna be something I did one time just to be able to say I did it and I would probably be the only one laughing at my jokes. I was terrified, I (like pretty much everyone else) have huge issues with public speaking, but I ended up really enjoying myself and decided to keep going to open mics and eventually ended up winning first place at one. One thing led to another and I wound up getting booked on different showcases. Including a showcase at Mohegan Sun (a casino about an hour from me) and a show at Broadway Comedy Club in NYC.

Last week was a huge week for me. On Sunday I hosted my very first open mic, which was super exciting and scary af. When the guy who ran the first mic I had ever done reached out to me asking me to host this month I almost said no because I was totally freaked out about doing it. Hosting meant I would do a 10/15 minute set which was alot more than the 5 minutes I was used to which was scary af because it meant needing to come up with more material and being in front of people 2/3x longer than I was used to, it seemed really soon for me to start doing anything like this and I am still kind of worried about what people who have been doing it much longer than me think of me, but I didn’t want to turn down an opportunity to make myself better so I did it, and despite my fears it went really well.

Last Thursday was that showcase at the casino. I was so freaked out about it that I hadn’t slept in like four days and I had considered telling the guy who booked me that I couldn’t do it that morning. At that point it was too late, it had been advertised for over a month, I had to beg borrow steal and bribe my friends to come, plus I had paid for a hotel room that I couldn’t get my money back from at that point so I figured I had better go. It was probably the most freaked out I had ever been I did 7 minutes in front of over 100 people, I don’t actually even remember much of it because I was so freaked out, but I am glad I didn’t let my anxiety get the better of me. Doing standup has made me put myself out there in ways I never thought I would be able to, even if this was as far as it went it has done alot for my self-confidence (as if it wasn’t high enough). I did start a youtube channel mostly so it was easier to find my comedy stuff for reference or whatever but maybe I’ll start doing more with that (you can check that out here).

I’ve decided to put my move to Florida off. Partly because I want to see where this comedy thing goes and even though I can still do comedy I Florida right now I am still pretty new and I feel like it would be easier if I did some more networking here as opposed to leaving right in the middle of everything that’s been going on and starting over. I started this with zero expectations and it has already vastly exceeded anything I ever thought possible so I am interested in seeing what happens next. Comedy is only a small portion of the reason I’ve decided to wait. Summer is not a good time to relocate to Florida and since I am planning to work in the service industry it would have been a bad move, also it is really hard to save any money when your paying 1600$ a month in rent every month so my plan is to find a really cheap (probably a studio) apartment, save as much money as possible, work on fixing my credit issues and try to have my shit together a little more before I make any significant moves. I am considering moving to Providence because its still close enough to everything I’m doing right now to continue doing what I’m doing but the rents are like $300 cheaper a month.

I have a lot of exciting things coming up for 2019, I’ll be in Nashville in two weeks, NYC in a month, Ireland in March and I might even make it to the Kentucky Derby this year so needless to say I’m thrilled about these new experiences. I spent so much of my early 20’s supporting other people while everyone else was experiencing life that I am excited to finally have the freedom to experience my own.

I really don’t know what this next year is going to bring me but my goals are to find a much cheaper apartment and pay off as much debt as possible, work on my standup, find a job closer to where I live, be an even better mom to my dogs, travel, actually make some friends out here and continue to be a bigger fuck boy than most of the guys on Tinder.


Wish me luck I guess

Keep it to yourself

I’ll be honest on my first date with the guy who dumped me I had another date set up with a different guy for later that night. In my defense, 80% of guys that ask me on dates don’t actually follow through with the date and even if he did follow through I figured it would go like most of my other dates, just fine and we never talk again. I didn’t expect the date to be so good and I instantly like this guy, after our date I made so many jokes to my friends about how I had finally me the one that Facebook started constantly showing me engagement ring advertisements.

Obviously, I canceled the second date, well not really canceled I had told the other guy I had plans earlier in the day and that if I ended up free later I would meet up with him. Because things were going so well on my date I just let him know I wouldn’t be free and would meet up with him another time. I figured that would be the last time I heard from him but he continued texting me here and there and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I had met someone else and he never did ask me to meet up again so I figured maybe we could’ve just been friends, but after I got dumped he ended up asking to meet for drinks again and we all know the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else so I decided to go. I honestly didn’t have much else going on and I’ve been feeling super bummed out lately (for reasons other than that guy) so I wanted to get out of the house.

I met him at this bar that is sort of halfway between where we both live. I have brought three other dates to this bar and all of them where bad, I am beginning to think the bar is cursed or something but its cheap and quiet and I know the bartenders well enough to know that they probably wouldn’t let a guy murder me and stick me in a dumpster, but this bar has some serious bad date juju. I’m about to take some sage over there and do some cleansing.

I get to the bar and we start talking he’s nice enough but he talks way too much about his parents, not in a way that he’s close to his parents but almost in a way that he wants to make sure that I know his parents have money. Then he starts talking about his dad and how he used to be a “really fit hockey player but he had kids and gave up and got super fat” First off this guy himself was chunky, there is nothing wrong with being chunky but he definitely didn’t have any business talking about someone else’s weight. Also, I was sitting there and couldn’t help but think to myself “this guy realizes I’m fat right? Like he must know? He’s gotta realize what a dick he sounds like right now”.

Other than that he seemed fine so I stayed for another drink. he then admits that he had run a background check on me before we met up that had helped him find my standup which he had enjoyed. Guys, I know I do my fair share of research before meeting up with them but I would never tell the person I am on a first date with that I had done it and a full-fledged background check seems a bit extreme and invasive. That was about the point I had decided I probably wasn’t going to see him again, or do anything else with him for that matter.

I get up to go to the bathroom and while I’m in the bathroom he pays the tab. I offer to give him cash for my portion (I always offer to pay my half of dates) and he declines and lets me know that he should be heading home, I agree and tell that I’m getting tired and he responds with “yeah it’s probably all that vodka you drank”. I almost lost my shit guys, If I wanted someone to judge me about my drinking I would have gone out with my mother. Plus we literally both drank the same amount, he had three beers and I had three vodka sodas and I offered to buy my own drinks. I could maybe understand if I had gone on this date got loaded and expected him to buy all my drinks but that didn’t happen. He didn’t kiss me but said he wanted to do this again, though thankfully I haven’t heard from him since the date.

Thank U, Next

Unfortunately, things with that guy I had that really good date with didn’t work out. It wasn’t entirely shocking and we had a couple of really nice weeks together until he decided he would rather go back to his ex than continue dating me. Of course, it was two days before Christmas so his timing was impeccable.

Like I said it wasn’t a shock I kind of saw it coming, we had been spending a good amount of time together so I felt like I had gotten to know him fairly well and when he came over Wednesday he just seemed different. Almost like he would have rather been anywhere but with me and when I asked him why he seemed so off he said he was just tired, which I understood we had spent a couple of really late nights together and he was the type of guy who was in bed by 10 every night so it was more than fair that he would have been feeling a little off.

But in the days that followed he continued acting super weird and cold. I knew he wasn’t feeling well so I brushed it off as a symptom of man cold and honestly I had had a really terrible weekend at work so I figured I was probably being kind of sensitive, I was gonna give it a couple more days before I asked him again why he was acting so weird. Sunday night after a particularly bad day at work I texted him to see how he was feeling and to let him know that I was skipping my work Christmas party and would be around if he needed anything, we talked a little about what a shitty day I’d had and then he let me know that he and his ex had decided to get back together and that he hoped I would “find happiness”.

I was upset for like five minutes but mostly because what kind of person hears about someone’s miserable day and then immediately breaks up with them? Especially two days before Christmas. Like I am pretty sure this whole thing with his ex didn’t just pop up out of nowhere, but honestly fine if he wants to go back to his ex far be it from me to stop him. I mean if history has taught me anything it’s that going back to your ex never works out but that’s his mistake to make and there is no chance that I am ever going to put myself in a situation where I need to compete with another woman ever again, especially a woman who he had described to me as “comfortable”.  Comfortable is an ugly thing in relationships. I stayed for four years in an unhappy relationship because it was comfortable. I was miserable but I was comfortable and for a while, that was enough for me, until it wasn’t anymore.

I mean shitty timing aside I’m glad it happened now instead of five months from now because whether she texted him last week or six months from now the end result would’ve been the same and at least now I could return his Christmas present and get my $15 back. As if getting dumped by a guy you really liked two days before Christmas on one of the worst days you’ve had in a while wasn’t bad enough I was ambushed by family Christmas. I thought I was just going to spend it with my immediate family but I found out on Christmas Eve the whole family was coming and within the first half hour of being there, my aunt had let me know that the reason I can’t find a good man is that my boobs are too big. As if that’s something I can help.

I mean I’m sad, it sucks when you meet someone you really connect with and they just drop you on your face, but I’m happy too because I was really starting to feel like I wasn’t going to find someone I was going to be able to connect with. Sex is easy, but finding someone you can have a conversation with and talk about the hard things without feeling judged that’s hard and I’ve gone through alot of shit that’s hard to talk about and hard for any man to look at as anything other than baggage, and maybe he thought I had baggage too but he never treated it like that. It’s ok that it didn’t work out, I was going to be happy either way because I learned a long time ago not to let my happiness depend on another person. The point to dating is to find someone who adds to the happiness you already have, that happiness needs to come from you and if you can’t create your own happiness you aren’t going to be happy with the person your with and it doesn’t matter if its the ex you keep going back to or meet someone new.

I’ll miss him and his dog ( mostly his dog at this point) honestly, I think I feel more rejected than anything else and that sucks, but I have another date tonight and we all know the best way to get over someone is to get over someone else so I guess we’ll see what happens.

Follow Through

I don’t think I’ve given enough attention on this blog to good dates. I mostly just write about the comically bad ones because they are obviously the ones that are the most fun to write about but I almost never give honorable mention to the ones that are good. To be honest there haven’t been to many of them. Most of the time I just wanted them to end only to never talk to him again. I’ve always found something about the guy or the date that was a turnoff or a red flag but for the first time ever I went out with someone and I didn’t find anything.

I normally take all my first dates to the same bar, just Incase he murders me but he didn’t drink and I mentioned I’d never been to the ecotarium which is literally 3 minutes from my house so we opted to go there. I figured it was safe, it would be difficult to turn someone into a skin suit in a place frequented by families and small children. Plus no one gets murdered at 2pm. I’ve never had a first date that wasn’t at least a little awkward but this felt so natural and he was just as enthused as I was by the dik-dik antelope exhibit so when we’d stretched our time at the ecotarium long enough that it didn’t make sense to stay there we decided to go for coffee.

I think we probably stayed at that coffee shop for five hours talking. We never ran out of things to talk about it was weird because it never felt like I was meeting a stranger from the internet for the first time, he felt like someone I had known my entire life. We stayed in that coffee shop for so long that we decided to get dinner, I trusted that he wasn’t gonna murder me so much that I even let him drive me to dinner. By the time we left each other, it was midnight and we had been together since 2.

It feels weird to say this after only spending a small amount of time with someone but this guy is actually a person I could see myself having a relationship with. Over the weekend I was having a really bad day and told him I needed a hug and he offered to drive the two hours round trip to my job to give me a hug if it would make me feel better. I literally cried, partially because I was having a terrible day but also because my last two relationships were really bad, those guys barely treated me with the bare minimum of basic human kindness and this guy was willing to drive an hour each way to come give me a hug. It was probably time nicest thing a guy has ever said to me, I never would have let him do it but just the fact that he was willing to is more than anyone else has ever been willing to do.

I’m trying really hard not to think too much at this stage and just enjoy things for what they are right now which for a serial overthinker is tough to do. All I’ve ever really wanted in a relationship was for someone to be nice to me, meet me halfway, and to have their shit together and he seems to do all the little things that I’d always hoped someone was gonna do. I hadn’t planned to meet anyone, I mean I wasn’t opposed to it but I wasn’t expecting it especially not on tinder. Who knows, maybe in a few months I’ll be able to say I found love in a hopeless place but for now I am simply enjoying spending time together.

Don’t trust me

It’s no big secret that I have definitely had my fair share of casual sex, and that I fully support a woman doing whatever and whoever she wants and in 2018 I thought that was a thing that everyone supported but I guess there is still a small group of (mostly) men who still have some sort of archaic opinion on dating and what women should and should not be doing with their bodies.

Last week my first article for Single Babe Rebellion went live (you can read it here) it was my opinion on whether or not I thought a woman should have sex on the first date. Obviously, I took the pro side because I have been doing whatever I want since long before it was acceptable. I was super proud and excited about this article so I shared it on my facebook page and this got alot of attention. While most of the feedback was positive from both men and women there have always got to be a couple of guys who disagreed.

One person said he felt like this article has been done “by every woman who is loose with her body”, and maybe that’s true but if it had in fact been done so many times by so many people IMG_5780then why is it still a discussion? Then there were people like this guy (in the image below) who still think they “can’t take a woman seriously gives it up on the first date”? Honestly really what is the difference between a man who has sex on the first date and a woman who has sex on the first date and who the fuck uses the term “loose with her body”? Are these women having sex alone?

I’ll be honest, I’m significantly less “loose with my body” now than I ever have been but the only reason for that is simply because I got tired of wasting time on lame dick when I could’ve been asleep. 9 times out of 10 casual sex is bad and I end up having to go home and get myself off anyway so why am I gonna waste time when I could be sleeping in the middle of my bed like a starfish on someone who doesn’t put in the effort to get me off anyway? There are alot of men out there with alot of opinions on women and what they should do with their bodies who don’t actually know the first thing about satisfying a woman. Some of them are teachable but most of them are just running around lying about the size of their dicks and calling women who sleep with them sluts

It doesn’t stop at my facebook friends. I started thinking about all the things that men have called me on dating sites just for being who I am. Today a guy told me I was tooImage-1 slutty for him after I gave him my reasoning for why I wasn’t into casual sex. Not that I needed to explain myself to him but I don’t think enough tinder guys know that most of them aren’t actually getting women off so realistically I thought I was doing him a service by letting him know about all the orgasms I’ve faked when hooking up with men like himself who take girls on dates but expect to get blowjobs in the car after, I was mostly kidding, because who has that much time to fake that many orgasms but obviously he didn’t get the joke and told me I was too slutty. It’s kind of ironic to be told your too slutty for a guy who is only looking to hookup. Also how slutty is too slutty? How do I know if I’ve actually crossed this line? Is there a sluttiness happy medium I should be looking for?

Everyone has a past and I highly doubt that most people are sitting around twiddling their thumbs waiting to meet someone worth having sex with but why are some of us expected to hide it?  Also, I have to wonder, did it ever occur to these men that we don’t want to be taken seriously by them? I’ve said it many times before, I can go to the grocery store and find sex I don’t need to go on a date with a guy and pretend to want to get to know him for three hours to get laid and if you are really interested in a girl why are you even trying to sleep with her the first time you meet her anyway? I have almost never initiated sex with men I’ve just met but yet I have never had a hard time finding it. The last thing I want in a relationship is to be with someone who makes me feel like less of a person for the things I did before I met them unless the things I did before I met them include murder or something. I don’t want to be with some judgey asshole who can’t take me seriously for doing exactly the same thing they did at exactly the same time they were doing it.