Tinder Chronicles

Over the past two years I have been doing what every single girl in her late 20’s is doing. Deleting and re-downloading tinder. When I started I was just a bright eyed newly single girl who thought that maybe tinder and bumble would be a good avenue to meet that dream boat I had been searching for since I was old enough to know what a relationship was. I very quickly learned that that was not how this was going to go down. As a big girl in the dating scene you tend to run into a lot of really bizarre men, most of them treat you like your some sort of circus animal and that their attraction to you is something that you should be thankful for- when in all reality like sure I’m fat but I have a great job great apartment award winning personality and the best boobs this side of the city. My boobs were a huge source of attention which garnered me a ton of incredibly lame sex and incredibly creepy messages but not much else.

It took about a year but eventually I realized that I should be using my tinder powers better. I should be using them for free vodka instead of bad sex. And so for the last few months I have been averaging several dates a week. Some of them really good- some of them just ok- and some of them that left me thinking maybe I should just get another cat rather than go on another date. These are those stories.

My first weird date was with a guy who we’ll call the lion. He met me for hot chocolate at Dunkin donuts. Which I thought was weird because Dunkin donuts is not a great place to get to know someone and were both adults and while I usually try to avoid getting dinner on a first date drinks is usually a pretty good option. The first thing he does is comment on my lipstick- and ask if I always wear lipstick, which I thought was kind of a weird question. Then he asks if my (very obviously colored) hair color is my natural color and if I could “get the natural color back”. Ok- weird again. I start drinking hot chocolate and what happens next was a full on assault on dating as I knew it. He asks me if I drink coffee then tells me if he were to seriously date me I would have to stop drinking it as “drinking coffee is an addiction and he wont tolerate that” He tells me i would have to stop shaving, that I wear to much makeup (which I barely wear any), and that if i were to ever get pregnant I would absolutely have to have an abortion. He also tells me that hes a germaphobe and doesn’t kiss with tongue and asks me if I have ever had any cold sores because he wont kiss a girl with cold sores because that means they have herpes. I finally decide its time to get the hell out of there so I politely tell him I’m tired and ready to go home. He walks me to my car and tells me that he “really wants to kiss me but I’m wearing lipstick and he doesn’t like the way that feels when it gets on him”. I left the date feeling like I had dodged a massive bullet and figured I probably wouldn’t hear from him again. But I heard from him the next day, and then again two days later and eventually I had to tell him that I didn’t think things were going to work between us. As expected that was not well received.

But these are probably not the weirdest things that have happened to me on a date. I give everyone a chance as long as they don’t seem like they are going to murder me and dump my body in a dumpster- which if were being honest- if that were to happen would get me out of paying back the 20g worth of student loan debt I have so it may not even be the worse case scenario. I accept every date even if they aren’t exactly my type because if were being totally honest my type has never worked out for me this far so I figure it doesn’t hurt to see whats out there.

Enter the guy I went out with last Sunday. He was a tinder match who followed me over to plenty of fish, he is a fish i should have thrown back before I even reeled him in. He seemed really weird like really really weird, but he lived in my home town and after a day of intense Sunday funday action we found ourselves less than a mile apart and I figured why not give him a shot. It was like a slow car crash. He told me he didn’t drive any needed me to pick him up- which for my hometown is really weird because there is zero public transportation-but then I realized that people make mistakes and a DUI is way more common than you think so I try not to be judgmental so I agreed to pick him up. I usually try to go on dates to bars and restaurants where I know people just in case things go south so we went to the bar I work at on weekends. He tells me he never got his drivers license because his parents got divorced when he was a kid and because of 9/11. I thought maybe he knew someone or something but no- he was no more affected by it than I was but somehow some way it prevented him from getting his drivers license. I felt the look on my face when he said it and knew I had to get out of there. My coworkers were texting me asking me if I needed them to help me get out. The check came and he tells me he only brought 10$ so I wound up paying most of the bill. Which was a small fee to end the night quickly. I did genuinely feel bad because he was nice enough aside from the fact that he was totally weird.

Now i know what your thinking- neither of these dates involve me getting free vodka, but fear not there have been plenty of other dates where I got a ton of free vodka but most of those dates were pretty decent and therefore not worth talking about.

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