Chasing Waterfalls

Being the last single friend in your friend group is difficult for many reasons, the most difficult being that you have so many well-intending friends and their spouses are constantly trying to set you up with their terrible single friends. Sure not every set up has been terrible and I know that my friends just want to see me happy and in a healthy relationship for a change but damn some of the most ridiculous things that have ever happened to me on a date have happened because I let my friends set me up. Blind dates may have worked for Meghan Markle but they sure as shit never worked for me.

Initially, when I moved to this city I made a lot of new friends. That heard has since considerably thinned but within that group was a guy that everyone wanted to set me up with. He was “a bit weird but needed someone like me to get him out of his shell” and “would definitely treat me better than anyone else I had ever dated”. At first, I was firmly against this because he was weird and not necessarily in a good way but after a lot of convincing, I finally agreed to hang out with him.

I had some friends over for dinner and they insisted on inviting him. I decided to go with it because if I at least gave him a chance it would shut everyone up, it wasn’t gonna kill me to spend a little time with him, and who knows- maybe we would’ve hit it off. We had pasta and I felt super awkward and got incredibly drunk because vodka is the most logical way to deal with any awkward situations. My friend went to sleep in my guest room which left me alone with this guy they were trying to set me up with.

My drunk alter ego has a bad habit of sleeping with guys I don’t want to see again the first time I meet them. So the next thing I knew I was in bed with this guy who was telling me he was into some “really freaky shit”. I had heard this before but usually, the freakiest shit most guys can come up with is like wanting anal, I figured it was that so I dragged it out of him (and for the record that NEVER would have happened). The next thing I knew he was asking me to pee ON him.

I thought that was like a fake porn thing that people weren’t really into but here I was with some guy I wasn’t even into asking me to pee on him. I know everyone has things they like but somehow I feel like that is not a thing you ask a girl the first time you go out with her, especially if you know you are going to have to see her again. In most situations, I would have run as fast and far away as I possibly could but we were in my house and there was only so much I could say at that point because I knew I was going to have to see him pretty often.

What made it even worse was that he would not leave. He stayed the entire night which I don’t even allow a guy to do unless I am seriously dating him and the next morning he kept trying to get me to take a shower with him. Like NO JUST LEAVE JESUS CHRIST IT IS WEDNESDAY MORNING AND I NEED TO GO TO WORK. I felt bad but like there was no way that was ever happening.

I learned a couple of valuable lessons that day. First- don’t ever sleep with someone you’re going to have to see on a regular basis if you aren’t sure they aren’t into some weird shit. Second- always keep a hammer next to your bed….. just in case.

The tipping point

Sometimes I wonder if I have become so comfortable and attached to my singleness that I’m unintentionally sabotaging potential relationships because I’m just not ready to give it up. I always start dating a guy and at first, he’s cool but after a couple weeks, I start finding something wrong and slowly but surely this (probably small)  thing becomes a massive deal breaker. Its like I’m the Goldilocks of men- Goldi-cocks if you will.

I once went on a few dates with a guy who was a restaurant manager. He was really nice to me whenever we went out but he had nothing to talk about except his job. He was so obsessed with his job that two of our dates were to the restaurant he worked at. I asked him what his long terms goals were, which for me means things like do you want to buy a house or have a family but the only goals he had were career goals and his career goals all had to do with this one restaurant he was working in. It got incredibly boring really fast- and I work in the industry so I get how consuming it is but he literally had nothing to talk about. He also treated the waitstaff like shit, he would go into “manager mode” (his words) and start acting like an asshole to whoever was taking care of us. It was obvious that he had never been a waiter ever and it was really embarrassing especially for me who waitresses part-time.

I really believe that the way a guy treats waitstaff is a really good indication of how they are going to treat you. So things, like being rude or not tipping the server, are huge issues for me.  I always make it a point to watch how much my date tips the waitstaff. Tipping is 20% if you are too cheap to give your server a good tip for decent service than I don’t have time for you. I have been on a ton of dates and I have never once had service that was so bad that it warranted a shitty tip. If you are having a good time with the person you’re with you shouldn’t even be focusing on the server.

Also, I know its 2018 but I literally cannot stand men who smoke pot. Like it’s not even about the pot-  smoke all the pot you want but it’s this whole 420 friendly stupidity that I can’t stand. I realize that the fact that I don’t smoke is like a rarity but like what if I told you that you could smoke weed and not have to talk about it all the time. Its the equivalent of a cross fitter or a strict vegan. I don’t feel the need to tell everyone I’m vodka friendly….  just smoke your devil’s lettuce and shut the hell up about it. As long as your not spending all your money on weed I could really care less if that’s what you do to unwind. We all have our vices, as long as you can support your habit, pay your bills you do you, but for most of these guys, this is like a lifestyle much like the “manager mode” guy I dated it doesn’t seem like they have anything to talk about other than smoking pot.

Maybe these things aren’t as big deal breakers as they seem. As much as I like to think I’m like the dream girl maybe I am just not as ready for a relationship as I thought I was. I feel like everything in my life is so up in the air right now. Like I’m not even sure what I want anymore. I have been feeling very out of place in my own life lately, I uprooted my entire life to take a job that I thought would advance my career but all that job has done lately is kind of make me sad. I kind of realized lately that I don’t know anymore where I want to end up, that I have always done things that weren’t right for me because I was afraid of hurting people or leaving people behind, and in doing so I was the one got left behind.

 

 

Familiar Faces

I first joined Tinder and Bumble two years ago about a month after my four-year relationship ended. After four years I finally realized I deserved better than what I was getting out of that relationship and after a month-long break, I realized that nothing was going to change so I let him know that he could stay in our apartment while he figured out what he was going to do but he and I would not be getting back together. Despite the fact that he was an asshole I felt bad breaking up with him and also making him homeless at the same time. I didn’t expect that it was going to take him like 8 months to leave or that I would have to practically threaten to change the locks and put his shit on the front lawn to get him to finally move out.

Anyway, I joined tinder and bumble about a month after me and my ex split, it was sort of complicated because we were still living together. I did manage to meet a couple people, including this one guy. It was one of my first ever tinder experiences and to be honest it was enough to make me run fast and far away and never look back. You ever see a picture of someone and you feel like the room they’re in looks familiar, or that they look familiar but you can’t quite put your finger on who they are or what it is? That was how I felt when I matched with him. The rooms his pictures in were super familiar and so was he and one of the girls in one of his pictures but I couldn’t figure out why. I figured the girl was his sister or something so I didn’t question why there was a girl in a couple of his pictures. We started chatting, he was super friendly and charming and he sent memes so when he asked me to meet up with him I immediately agreed. This was back in the days where I really thought true love could be found on tinder.

He wanted to come to my house but that was obviously a no go since my ex was living there and could come home at any time. I always tried to be super upfront about my living situation when I was meeting someone new because I felt like it as unfair not to be. I also tried to be fair to my ex and not have men that I was romantically interested in in our apartment while he was still living there, despite the fact that I am pretty sure he didn’t have the same consideration for me. I offered to meet him at his place but he told me he had terrible roommates. He then proceeded to spend about an hour talking all this shit about his roommates and how awful they were, and how they used to be cool until they got married and now they hate each other, so it appeared that going to his place was also out.

We decided to meet at a park in the town where he was living. My sister lived in the same town as him and since I like to let someone know where I’m going and who I’m going with I decided to send my sister a picture of him and his phone number just so shed know where I was and who I was with if anything happened. That was when I figured out why everything about his pictures looked so familiar. HE WAS MY SISTERS ROOMMATE. Not only was he my sister’s roommate, he was living with his girlfriend of 10 years. Not only was he not single, he had just spent an hour talking shit about my sister and brother in law. What a scumbag! it was not actually surprising that he was a scumbag once I figured out who he actually was, I had heard plenty of stories about him and the type of person he was when he wasn’t bullshitting someone trying to impress them.

Here’s a little background on this… My sister had been renting a house with her now husband for about five years before this incident. It was kind of far away from where me and all our friends were living and they had a series of really shitty roommates, and the worst of them was this guy and his girlfriend. I had really only been to her house a handful of times and during those times I think this kid and his girlfriend had only come out of their bedroom for a total of five minutes and didn’t even say hello. So it was not totally crazy that I didn’t recognize him or her or the rooms his pictures were taken in until she pointed it out to me.

I was literally on my way out the door when my sister told me that this was her roommate and he was living with his girlfriend of 10 years. So I obviously told him I wasn’t going to meet him and asked him if his girlfriend knew he was meeting up with women from tinder, and that he was a lying liar who lies. He acted confused because “he didn’t have a girlfriend” so that was when I informed him that we had actually met before and that the terrible roommates he spent so much time talking about were my sister and her husband. Rather than admitting defeat he tries to tell me that he and his girlfriend had actually broken up but were still living together much like me and my ex. He said they hadn’t told anyone about the split and begged me not to tell my sister because he “didn’t want to stress her out”, he also begged me not to tell my sister about all the shit he had talked about her and her husband during our conversation.

I was obviously sending her the screenshots of our entire conversation. I don’t know how she managed to continue to live with him after that and not bring it up but somehow she did, and he never knew that she knew absolutely everything he said. The tinder guy and his non-girlfriend moved out a few months later- together-and are now engaged.  As for my ex, he finally moved out right after Thanksgiving two years ago- 8 months after we had broken up. Things had gotten pretty ugly and when he left he tried taking one of my dressers becuse “I gave it to him” (I didn’t- I allowed him to use it while he lived here, hardly a gift) and he took the toilet paper when he left because “He paid for it” (it was one of the only things he paid for the entire time we were together but ok)- as if I didn’t pay in days of my life that I could have been enjoying for every day that I spent with him during our relationship.

Confessions of a Domestic Failure

I am really bad at being an adult- Like I really aspire to be one of those women who drink Kale and eats organic and does yoga and has well-behaved dogs and has a spotless apartment, or at the very least can keep a plant alive. I’ve tried- I really have, but my reality is more like- I spent $70 on groceries I don’t know how to cook, set the fire alarm off in my apartment building making toast, and I have to muzzle my dogs and take them on separate walks because one of my dogs tried to knock my neighbor over and steal the socks off his feet when we were coming out of the elevator, and the other dog won’t stop trying to eat her brother. I am basically the embodiment of a Pinterest fail. I’m lucky if I left the house and remembered to put my shirt on. As I write this I’m staring deep into the eyes of a pile of laundry I am putting off doing knowing damn well that I had to buy socks to wear today because I was completely out of clean ones. I should be cleaning because my mom is coming to stay with me,(who took this video of me cleaning my apartment? )and I know if I don’t she will. Which is great because she does a much better job than I ever could, but I’ll never be able to find anything ever again.

I can’t cook- like at all. I used to think I could cook but after a couple of years of eating what can only be described as prison food and multiple visits from the fire department, I charliehad to face the reality that much like that time I went to hairdressing school, me and the kitchen were not a match made in heaven. I am really good at wine, and I can load a mean dishwasher but when it comes to cooking dinner I think I top out at heating up a frozen pizza. I did try blue apron for a while, but cooking one blue apron meal took every pan in my kitchen and three days to clean up after and I don’t know about you but I just don’t have that kind of time. Not to mention it was costing me a small fortune. $60 just on three meals and you still have to eat for the rest of the week and I eat more than one meal a day, and while these three meals were giving me three days of lunch and dinner, I wound up spending like over $120 per week on food for just me (not including cheese) which is double my normal budget. Plus everything had Kale in it (Kale is a great source of nutrition but let’s be real it doesn’t belong in every meal), and if you found something you really liked you can never make it again because you can’t find half the ingredients in the grocery store. I also tried a lot of recipes from Pinterest which were usually a disaster. I had so many dinner failures from Pinterest recipes that I was starting to think the problem was Pinterest and not me. Here is one recipe that I have had really good luck with.

I moved to this city a year ago to advance my career. I really love it here, because I’ve always dreamed of living in a place where I can get breakfast delivered. Moving here that dream a reality. Sure- I haven’t actually done it, because why would I spend $20 to get pancakes delivered when I can just make them at home, but I am really attached to having the option. You can pretty much get anything delivered here- Laundry, groceries, tinder guys,- it’s probably my favorite part of being here, but I am kind of bored. I have been trying really hard to find some sort of hobby that doesn’t involve tinder, vodka, or cheese.

I never really had time for hobbies because I was lolaalways taking care of grown ass man babies, or in school, or working a million hours so this is a like a whole new world for me. I’m kinda like Aladdin except instead of falling in love with a princess I just have a lot of free time that I’m not used to having.  I used to do yoga so I thought about going back because it was a healthy and productive thing to do with my spare time, plus I felt really amazing and was in really good shape when I was doing it.  The problem is most classes are catered to people who don’t work 9-5 Monday- Friday so it has been tough to find a class that fits into my schedule, and since my version of “doing yoga” is rolling around on the ground and swearing at someone under my breath for an hour and 15 minutes twice a week I am not sure I want to part with the $30 a week which could be spent on vodka.

A few months after I moved here I watched my moms dog for about a week and noticed what a difference in my dog’s behavior having another dog around made. I thought maybe the reason Charlie was so stressed all the time was because he needed a friend that wasn’t a cat. I decided to adopt another dog. I got the ok from my landlord and was set up with a rescue by a friend. The rescue only had one small dog- she was blind and I was hesitant to take on a special needs dog because I wasn’t sure I was going to be able to give her a good home because I had no experience with anything even remotely close to caring for a dog like her. I agreed to at least foster her, in retrospect I knew she was coming home to stay. It has been a struggle. I was prepared for it to be hard, but its hard in ways I was not prepared for. Her blindness is the least of her issues, but no matter how hard things get with her she is still the best thing I have ever done. Taking home a dog like Lola has taught me a lot about patience and has shown me an entirely different meaning of love. Sure- my two dogs are not the worlds greatest friends like I had hoped they would be, but bringing her home has brought an entirely new dynamic to our fur family.

So my dogs don’t like each other and I can’t cook and my house usually looks worse after I’ve cleaned it than it did before I cleaned it. But my rents always paid (I mean it’s late but its still paid) and I have managed to keep five animals alive (no plants but the pets are good). I always feel like everyone around me is just crushing life and I am just out here spending money like I’m a Kardashian, barely wearing pants, living off of $4 champagne, cheese and too much vodka, and tripping over things while getting constantly barraged with dick pics- but I feel like I am not the only one out here living her best life but like her best life is just kind of a little bit of a disaster.