Kiss Kiss Bang Bang

A couple weeks ago I met this guy on OkCupid and he initially seemed like he was pretty cool. We talked for about a week or so before we made plans to meet for drinks. Somewhere between the bachelorette weekend I was on and the day we were supposed to meet up I started feeling like he was really full of shit about a lot of things. I like to keep an open mind so I decided that despite the fact that I wasn’t really feeling it I was going to go anyway. I have gone on plenty of dates that I really didn’t want to go on and wound up really enjoying myself.

I had had a particularly rough day at work before we met up for drinks so I wasn’t exactly on my A game, I probably should’ve canceled but I really need a drink and I was (am) pretty sure I was getting fired so I really really needed a free drink. Several free drinks so I sucked it up and met up with him. I was initially supposed to meet him at the beach but it was going to be a two-hour drive so we opted to meet somewhere halfway. It worked out that the halfway point was a bar I used to work for so we met there.

The date was fine, he was good looking but something about it was just so awkward. I just wasn’t feeling it but I couldn’t put my finger on why. Then he told me he was a “gamer” and it was kind of all downhill from there. It’s one thing to play video games and that’s fine I totally get that, it’s not really my thing but its a decent pastime but when someone refers to themselves as a gamer all I really see is like this middle-aged guy in his mom’s basement with the headset and a ketchup stain on his shirt telling 12 year old kids to kill themselves. He also told me that one of his major hobbies is political trolling on twitter. Think like Chrissy Teigan but probably less funny. There wasn’t anything particularly wrong with him but we just didn’t click.

When the date was over he wanted to take a walk on the rail trail behind the bar. The rail trail is literally an unlit path through the woods and I was really not about to enter the dark woods with a guy I had just met like three hours before. I was trying to nicely just say goodnight so I could do a lap around the building and eat some pizza (because I was starving) and get a couple more drinks but then he wanted to sit in his car since I wouldn’t go for a walk in the woods. The thing I dislike most when on a date is when a guy tries to make out with or bang you in his car after a first date. First of all- I am like 30, if I want to make out with you I will take you to my house, that I live in alone and do it there like a god damn adult. I’m not gonna take you to my tiny ass car so you can suck the soul out of me like a god damnd dementor. The first date is already awkward enough without someone trying to motorboat you in a Denny’s parking lot.

I am too nice to say no so I get in the car with him. The next thing I know he was like full on assaulting my face. I felt so weird about it that I had to actively stop myself from laughing. I felt like I was under attack. Just when I thought it couldn’t get any more awkward he bites me! But not in a good way- it was like he bit my entire mouth at the same time. I had to get out of the car or I was going to start hysterically laughing in his mouth so I made up something about needing to pee and that one of my friends inside was too drunk to drive home and I made my escape. I was super thankful that we had gone to a place where I knew people so I could use them as my out. About an hour later he texted me and apologized for our makeout session being “rougher than I’m used to”. ROUGHER THAN IM USED TO???? That was a full-on facial assault! At that point I knew I for sure had to end things before they went any further.

Over the next couple days I politely awkwardly distanced myself because I didn’t have the heart to tell him I didn’t want to go out with him again. Especially after he made a weird comment about being my boyfriend soon ( after one date…come on broooo). I think he eventually caught on because eventually he just sent me a bunch of weird Porn Hub memes and stopped texting me which I was pretty thankful for.

This post is dedicated in loving memory of Rudy Zuccaro 02.28.93-06.21.18

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I’ve reached a point in my life where having a sugar daddy doesn’t feel like such a bad idea anymore. Coming from me that’s pretty bad since I’ve seen first hand through someone I used to be close with what that lifestyle actually entails. I’ve reached a point in my job where I have to actively talk myself out of changing my name and driving to the other side of the country every morning when I get in the car to go there. A sugar daddy would solve my work problem, as well as my dating problem. I am one bad date away from just getting another cat, something I actively considered during my last encounter.

A couple years ago I went out with this guy who shared my unending love of Obama 27-4Biden memes. Regardless of what your political stance is you cannot not love a good Obama Biden meme. This guy was probably only the second date I had been on since my relationship ended, and actually probably in my entire life. He was nice enough but we split the bill which was pretty unimpressive for a first date, and he didn’t kiss me which was kind of weird. I was still in my having no idea how to date phase of life so for the second date I invited him over to watch tv or whatever. I honestly forget why I invited him over, maybe it was also during that time where I thought I could cook and I was attempting to make him dinner. He came over, we did whatever it was I invited him over to do, and he tried to get a blowjob. It was prehoe phase which was this weird window of time where I really thought I was gonna find love on tinder (lol) and I wasn’t hooking up with guys before the third date (because that’s the magic date right?). He left and after a couple days, I didn’t hear from him again. He just blatantly stopped responding and unmatched me on bumble. He weirdly continued to like everything on my Instagram and Facebook pages but never responded to my texts. I think one night I got kind of drunk and finally texted him and basically yelled at him about how weird it was that he just disappeared but continued to haunt my social media (ala that time I drunkenly texted a guy who had blown me off and told him “my time is a gift” after my work Christmas party).

After that, I guess I blocked him on all my social media, which I don’t remember doing so I really didn’t hear from him for a few months. Until one super weird night where he started sending me a bunch of Obama Biden memes. He didn’t say anything or respond to any of my messages he just kept sending memes. They were happening at like 5-minute intervals for like two hours. I want to say he did it more than once. It was weird as hell, he never said anything at all just sent a bunch of memes and that was it. It is still among the weirdest things a guy has done to me in the dating pool to this day and I have made an entire Instagram page and blog out of dating weirdness.

So fast forward to last week. I have a second personal Instagram page that I accidentally created because I’m computer illiterate and had accidentally locked myself out of my

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This is the weird NOT FUNNY meme he sent me

Instagram. Somehow in trying to reset my password, I managed to create a second Instagram page. I’ve just kept it linked to my other pages ever since because whatever. So I get this notification last week that meme guy wants to follow my accidental Instagram. I’m over being mad/ weirded out at this point and also I’m incredibly nosy (my biggest downfall) so I follow him back. Next thing I know he’s sliding into my DM’s with another Biden meme. It’s not even a good one. So now I’m more confused because this guy I haven’t heard from in two years is sending me this shitty meme that isn’t funny and doesn’t make sense.  I thought it was gonna end at that like the last weird time he reached out to me so I messaged him back and asked if he was just planning to send me a bunch of memes and not talk to me again or if he actually wanted something. He responds with “I know we got disconnected at one point but I saw you on bumble and was wondering if you’d like to go out again or if you had moved on”.

Got disconnected? Bitch! You ghosted me and then spent months haunting my social media and sending me memes but saying nothing else. Do you think I forgot how weird that was? And wtf you mean by moved on? We went on two dates and I paid for my own drinks so I don’t even know if that qualifies it as a date what the fuck you think I had to move on from? Nonetheless, the idiot in me who just wanted to see what was gonna happen and gave him my phone number so we could start talking again and he literally never reached out to me. Which might possibly be weirder than if he had just sent me a bunch of memes and not said anything like the last time. I’m just confused, like this seems like a lot of effort to go through to get someone’s number and then just never talk to them. I really only give people one chance with me so it wasn’t like I was going to go out with him (this is a lesson I learned after multiple failed relationships) its just weird af.

Bad Romance

Have you ever had sex and it was so bad that you felt like you owed your vagina an apology when it was finally over? That was me Sunday night.  I have for the most part sworn off one night stands and fuck buddies, but I have been really in my feels lately trying to figure out what I’m doing with my life and just generally disappointed by dating in general so after dinner and a few drinks with friends when the opportunity for a hook up came about I took it.

I had recently changed my tinder settings to include men ages 21-35 which I think makes me a cougar but I’m not sure. I don’t really know why I decided to do it but I think it was a combination of me being sick getting weirdly timed poorly lit selfies from middle-aged men and I maybe had gone on one too many dates with men over 30 who for the most part haven’t learned that you cant hurt everyone who tries to care about you just because someone did it to you. On day one I matched with some 22-year-old kid who wasn’t far away from me. He was pretty adamant that he was going to somehow manage to rock my world. I guess I did kind of set him up for failure when he told me how women have told him how “good he was with his hands and tongue” to which I responded, “yeah no one is ever going to tell you it was terrible but thanks for playing”.

When he was messaging me earlier in the day I said it was a possibility. I knew I had been super in my feels and probably needed to get some and I also knew I was gonna have a few drinks so I figured I would leave it open-ended so that if I was feeling like I get some cradle robbing strange I would have the opportunity to. Around the 6th vodka soda, I mentioned that I might be into it. Next thing I knew he was in the car on the way to Worcester and at that point I felt bad about backing out so I just gave him my address.

So he comes over and he’s a nice enough kid. We start getting things going and he can’t uh… rise to the occasion. He starts losing his mind and literally SLAPS HIS OWN DICK. I’m just sitting there like woah- we are in my own house- how can I get out of this. I thought he was going to cry. He finally ends his limpdick induced breakdown and we start hooking up and suddenly I wasn’t sure if I had a vagina or a construction site down there because he was like a god damn jackhammer.  The whole ordeal only lasted about 20 minutes but damn it was the longest 20 minutes of my life. It was one of those experiences that made me wish I had never moved my emergency hammer away from next to my bed.

Ghost Stories

I’ve made a career out of trolling guys on Tinder. Its become basically the only hobby I have, that and going on dates with guys who mostly aren’t right for me. A few months ago I met this guy who lived on the Army base near a restaurant I worked at in high school. He was hot, and in the army which somehow made him 10x hotter, and he was charming and funny so when he asked me to meet him for drinks I didn’t hesitate.

You ever end up on a date with someone that is just so good looking that you feel like your being punked because they are way too hot to be hanging out with you? That was how I felt on this date, and I almost never feel like someone is out of my league but I felt like that on this date. We had so much in common that I felt like I was on a date with myself. It was one of the few dates that when it ended I knew for sure I wanted to see him again. We made plans the next day to go for drinks later in the week and he asked me if I would consider going to the military ball with him in April if we were still hanging out. I love a good ball so obviously, I said hell yes.

After that, he started being kind of a dick and bailed on our date for later that week, didn’t make plans to reschedule and eventually just kind of disappeared. I’m not that girl who is gonna pursue someone who is clearly not interested in me or waste my time trying to talk to someone who doesn’t make an effort to try and talk to me so I just moved on and continued going on a bunch of dates and kind of forgot about him until Easter when he texted me clearly hammered trying to get a booty call. I guess something about Christ rising from the dead really got his engine revving. After a few different versions of me telling him there wasn’t a chance in hell that I would ever sleep with him he eventually stopped texting me.

I didn’t hear from him again for over a month until one Saturday morning when he texted me “I don’t care if you won’t fuck me….I just want to be friends”. I can get down with that. One of my closest guy friends is a guy that I had hooked up with a few years ago who completely ghosted me after. When he first started messaging me I totally hated his guys but eventually, I came to terms with the fact that we would have really sucked together anyway and the worlds greatest friendship story was born. I didn’t expect that that would be the case with this guy, but since I have been struggling to make new friends any way I figured at the very least I could give him a chance.  It lasted about four hours up until he asked if he could take me home after my shift that day. That was about when I realized that we both had very different ideas about what friendship was.

I thought that was gonna be the last time I heard from him but he proceeded to text me every Saturday for like a month with some variation about how he wanted to just be friends and complain about how terrible his life was. Which I get it, he’s seen some shit and he needs someone to talk to, I can respect that and I can lend a sympathetic ear but then he would get progressively drunker as the day went on and start trying to bang me. Eventually, I just started resending him screenshots of our conversation from the previous week to save us both the aggravation of rehashing the same conversation over and over. He claimed he never remembered any of it and I think he actually wound up blocking my number during the most recent conversation because I wasn’t giving in to banging him. I guess the moral of the story here is- Block everyone they aren’t your friend .