Bullet Proof

I knew when I wrote the post ” Same Mistake” a month ago he probably was going to see it. That’s the danger in putting yourself out there the way I put myself out there. I hoped that when he saw it he would understand the point of the post was never about how “bad” he was, but about how I was questioning some of the rules I had put into place within my own life to protect myself from continuing to make the same mistakes I had made in the past that led me to where I am now. The point of the post was never meant to make him feel attacked, or to try to get back at him for breaking up with me.

Nope. Instead, three weeks later, I got a message from him apologizing for “being so bad I had to write about him”, to which I tried to explain what the actual point of the post was. He claimed he wasn’t mad, and the truth was for the period of time we were dating he wasn’t bad, actually he was probably among the best people I had been with and I didn’t have a single bad thing to say about him aside from the fact that I was hurt that it didn’t work out. That was why I was having a tough time letting it go, and why I had started to wonder whether or not I was in the wrong for cutting people out of my life after he had reached out to me again. As much as it sucked that things didn’t work out he never became “bad” in my eyes until long after things between us ended.

I could’ve just explained myself and left it at that, not that I really should have needed to. He ended things with me months ago so if he was going to keep checking up on me that’s kind of on him. Instead, I asked why he was still reading my blog “it’s a good read” I think a big part of me really just wanted to hear that he missed me, so I hit him with “its fine that you miss me, I’m pretty missable” The response I got, in a nutshell, was that yeah I’m missable but he doesn’t want to be with me….Ouch, ok so why are we having this conversation then?

At that point, I decided we needed to establish some sort of boundaries. I am at a really low point in my life and I really don’t need to add any more complication to my already complicated situation. I let him know that he needed to decide what he wanted from me, if he wanted to try and date again I would consider it (against my better judgment), if he wanted to be friends we could try to be friends, but if he didn’t want anything from me but was going to continue to keep tabs on my life and find arbitrary reasons to contact me that he needed to just leave me alone because it wasn’t fair to me.

“It isn’t fair but at this point I don’t play fair. ‘alls fair in love and war'”.  Ok, but that rule doesn’t apply to us, we never even got that far. I was certainly headed there. I had definitely told people that he was someone I could see myself loving him in the future, but we didn’t get there. He ended things before it got that far, and I can’t imagine you’d end things with someone you cared about.

I could maybe understand any of this if I had broken up with him, but he’s the one who ended things. Did I fight him on it? No, but I told him a long time ago that I was a one-shot girl and that if he was going to end things he needed to be sure about it because there wasn’t any going back. I told him he needed to be honest about what he wanted or to cut the shit, he told me he didn’t want anything from me, I told him not to contact me anymore then and I tried to let it go.

A week goes by.

I tried to let it go. I really did. I gave it the good ‘ol college try. But, I that comment boiled in my blood for the next week. “All is fair in love in war” was on repeat in my mind. I probably  stopped myself three times from contacting him. On the fourth time,  I couldn’t hold it in anymore and I lost it. I sent him this message:

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He responded by telling me that another girl he dated said the same thing and she followed it up with “no matter how many girls you hurt you will never get back at your ex-wife”.

Imagine getting dumped and given zero explanation for it. You don’t hear anything for months. Then, all of a sudden they decide to start showing up every couple of weeks to make you feel rejected all over again and at the end of the day the reason has not a single thing to do with you.

The most powerful thing I did for myself was to accept the apology I was never getting from my ex-husband. It was the only way I was going to move on from the things he did to me. I never want to play ‘Who has More Scars?’ However, some of the things that happened to me during my marriage are things most people could never even imagine doing to another person let alone living through. I have never once used that as an excuse to hurt someone. If I did that would be letting him win and well, fuck that. I wasn’t going to give any more time to someone who literally didn’t give a shit about the fact that they hurt me. I can understand being hesitant to start another relationship after someone really hurts you like that. Hurting people who had nothing to do with the past that you can’t move on from doesn’t make any sense. In the end, the person you’re really hurting is yourself.

Now that I had broken the silence with that text, I spent the next hour laying into him. He didn’t fight me on it and he apologized….a lot. I’m not sure if that made me feel better or worse. Honestly,  he might have just been trying to shut me up. I guess I don’t really blame him there. Then he told me that he thought I was bulletproof because I “have that Instagram where I make fun of guys and the weird shit they say to me”.

I am…..to a point. I don’t let things that happened in my past dictate the rest of my life. I don’t let opinions of small men behind computer screens affect my self-confidence or self-worth, and I don’t dwell on stupidity. But that doesn’t mean I can’t be hurt, and that doesn’t mean that you should continue to do things that you know to be hurtful just because you don’t think the person you’re doing them to is capable of being hurt.

To be honest I’m kind of mad at myself for letting him get under my skin like that. I’m even more mad that I let him know that he had gotten under my skin. I hate to have given someone who clearly doesn’t give a shit about me that kind of power. I thought it would make me feel better to tell him how I really felt but in a way it actually made me feel worse. Me losing my shit didn’t change anything other than probably make him think I’m nuts, and even if it had I think at this point its become too toxic which isn’t something either of us really needs.

You’re never going to be good enough for the wrong person. I know this isn’t a problem with me and I shouldn’t let myself feel that it is. I know that the fact that things didn’t work out between us has nothing to do with how worthy I am of someone giving a shit about me and I shouldn’t and won’t tolerate someone who clearly doesn’t give a shit about me walking in and out of my life and doing or saying whatever they see fit just because I give a shit about them.

Drunk in Love

Day drinking is dangerous. Sometimes you end up hung over by 5pm, sometimes you end up banging your 22-year-old waiter in his mom’s basement.

My sister and I had had a particularly rough week so we decided to meet up for some buffalo cauliflower and sangria. Two pitchers of sangria later we had gotten pretty friendly with our waiter who was relatively new to the area. I don’t remember how it came up but he mentioned that he would want to hang out with us sometime and get drinks, so I gave him my number in the least creepy way it could possibly be when you’re giving your random waiter your number, so we could all hang out sometime. We decided to go to a cheaper bar down the street and said he was welcome to meet us there if he was going to get cut any time soon.

Making new friends is super awkward especially in a situation like that. I was mostly just trying to be friendly, and I honestly didn’t expect to hear from him ever again, to be honest, I thought he was probably going to think I was super creepy for giving him my number even though I didn’t have any intentions beyond friendship. It only took about 20 minutes for him to text me and ask if we had made it to the other pub yet. He met us there a couple of hours later. I wasn’t expecting him to meet us there, and I really wasn’t expecting him to sit next to me and start playing footsie under the table with me either,

I had barely rolled out of bed that morning, I hadn’t done laundry in three weeks, I was wearing my last resort mom jeans, no makeup, and my hair was so full of dry shampoo that the only thing I could do with it was wearing it in a shitty bun on top of my head. I wasn’t even wearing deodorant because I had just gotten all my waxing done, my eyebrows were probably still red. But here I was sitting in a bar looking like one step above a people of Walmart submission and this hot 22 year old is rubbing my leg under the table.

To be clear from the minute we left the restaurant my sister was convinced that he was trying to hook up with me, or her, or both of us. Shes married so I was really the only feasible option. I just thought we were going to have the next greatest friendship story, that is not what happened.

I don’t really remember a lot of the details  that led up to me leaving the bar with him that night, but judging by my texts from my sister from that day I know that she “didn’t want to cock block me”, which she certainly didn’t if anything she was the cock enabler, world-class wing woman. Anyway, the next thing I knew I was in this kids moms basement having the type of sex you would expect to have with a 22-year-old, and when I came out of his bathroom I was face to face with his 12-year-old brother which was somehow more awkward than it would’ve been if I had come face to face with his mom.

When it was over he dropped me off at my car and went to go sell weed, which was exactly the thing I would expect a 22-year-old to do after banging some almost 30-year-old woman. All of this happened before 8pm…on a Wednesday.

There is one lesson here for sure, my mom always tells me that I need to stop leaving the house looking like I just ended an 8-month long bender because you never know who you’re going to run into. If this situation didn’t prove her right I don’t know what will.

while he really is a nice enough guy and super good looking I just can’t picture myself having enough in common with him to continue anything beyond a strictly platonic friendship and since we have already crossed that bridge I don’t really think there is any going back from that. I have one male friend that I was able to have a platonic friendship with after we had sex, but that happened a couple years later and after a long time of having no contact with him, and there is still always that awkward element of having seen each other naked within our friendship.

I guess you could say that restaurant really gave me some more bang for my buck than I was intending that day.  I guess you could also say that depending on how this plays out my sister and I probably need to find a new restaurant halfway between our house to meet.

Brush your shoulders off

I’m not sure if this is the best or the worst thing about me, but I always push things as far as I possibly can. So last week when I got yet another message from a guy asking me if he could be my sugar daddy I responded the same way I responded to the other 750 guys who send me messages asking me to pay me for sex, I gave him my venmo and told him to put his money where his mouth was and send me something to prove he was serious.

I never expect anyone to actually send me money. I figured he would do what every other guy has done and disappear or tell me to go fuck myself. Instead, this guy paid me $25. It wasn’t a ton of money but it was the most money anyone has ever given me for no reason and it was enough to pay my bar tab that night so I was thrilled. Totally confused, but thrilled.

After he sent me the money he started asking me for pictures. Obviously, I’m not into that and even if I was my nudes are worth way more than $25 so there was no chance I was gonna send him anything. He wanted to know what he was going to get for his money, I let him know that he was getting an opportunity to “interview for the sugar daddy position”. I figured that was going to be the last time I ever heard from him but I guess that was a satisfying enough response because he asked me if I wanted to get drinks the following week.

I probably shouldn’t have agreed to meet him, but to be honest, I wasn’t totally sure if he was actually that much of a creep or if he didn’t just send me the money to call my bluff.  If that was the case I was kinda into it, but I figured at the very least if we actually did meet for drinks it was probably going to be hilariously weird, and its not like I would’ve had much else to do, and it was a public place so really the worst thing that was gonna happen was that he was actually a total creep.

We were supposed to meet for drinks Monday night. I asked him if we were going to discuss my allowance on our date. I was mostly kidding but apparently, he wasn’t because homeboy actually started discussing how much money he was willing to give me every week and what he was going to expect from me in return.

It was super weird especially since what he wanted were really vanilla things that most women do for free, and he was a good looking guy so there really was no reason he should even NEED to pay for sex. I guess it’s just his kink, to each their own I guess. He started asking me to send him pictures, and once again I decided to see how far I could push things, so I told him I was going to need some sort of deposit on the sugar daddy arrangement in order to send him anything.

I seriously thought he was finally going to tell me to go fuck myself or something but instead, he started negotiating a price for me to send him pictures of my boobs. I told him I wanted $250, at this point, I just wanted to see how much I could get out of him before he unmatched me. I didn’t think he would actually seriously negotiate a price for a picture of my boobs, but we wound up settling on $150 for a picture on snapchat with no face and I wanted the money first because ” this wasn’t mamas first rodeo” (it totally was my first rodeo).

I basically shit my pants when he actually added me on snapchat and then venmoed me the full $150. He drove a hard bargain but one thing he missed during the negotiation process was the clause that said they had to be naked boobs. He must’ve been super surprised when he opened his snap chat the next day and found a picture of my boobs, completely covered by my t-shirt.

Probably not what he was expecting, but sometimes, when you play stupid games you win stupid prizes and I became $175 richer for doing absolutely nothing.  Naturally, I haven’t heard from him since and as expected he blew off our date  which isn’t really much of a tragedy, his venmo featured his full first and last name, which I looked up on facebook along with the city he told me lived in which is where I found all the pictures of his girlfriend. So not only is he a creep trying to pay girls money for sex he’s also cheating on someone so, to be honest maybe I was a little bit of a scumbag taking money from him but in the end, he did kind of get what he deserved.