Drunk in Love

Day drinking is dangerous. Sometimes you end up hung over by 5pm, sometimes you end up banging your 22-year-old waiter in his mom’s basement.

My sister and I had had a particularly rough week so we decided to meet up for some buffalo cauliflower and sangria. Two pitchers of sangria later we had gotten pretty friendly with our waiter who was relatively new to the area. I don’t remember how it came up but he mentioned that he would want to hang out with us sometime and get drinks, so I gave him my number in the least creepy way it could possibly be when you’re giving your random waiter your number, so we could all hang out sometime. We decided to go to a cheaper bar down the street and said he was welcome to meet us there if he was going to get cut any time soon.

Making new friends is super awkward especially in a situation like that. I was mostly just trying to be friendly, and I honestly didn’t expect to hear from him ever again, to be honest, I thought he was probably going to think I was super creepy for giving him my number even though I didn’t have any intentions beyond friendship. It only took about 20 minutes for him to text me and ask if we had made it to the other pub yet. He met us there a couple of hours later. I wasn’t expecting him to meet us there, and I really wasn’t expecting him to sit next to me and start playing footsie under the table with me either,

I had barely rolled out of bed that morning, I hadn’t done laundry in three weeks, I was wearing my last resort mom jeans, no makeup, and my hair was so full of dry shampoo that the only thing I could do with it was wearing it in a shitty bun on top of my head. I wasn’t even wearing deodorant because I had just gotten all my waxing done, my eyebrows were probably still red. But here I was sitting in a bar looking like one step above a people of Walmart submission and this hot 22 year old is rubbing my leg under the table.

To be clear from the minute we left the restaurant my sister was convinced that he was trying to hook up with me, or her, or both of us. Shes married so I was really the only feasible option. I just thought we were going to have the next greatest friendship story, that is not what happened.

I don’t really remember a lot of the details  that led up to me leaving the bar with him that night, but judging by my texts from my sister from that day I know that she “didn’t want to cock block me”, which she certainly didn’t if anything she was the cock enabler, world-class wing woman. Anyway, the next thing I knew I was in this kids moms basement having the type of sex you would expect to have with a 22-year-old, and when I came out of his bathroom I was face to face with his 12-year-old brother which was somehow more awkward than it would’ve been if I had come face to face with his mom.

When it was over he dropped me off at my car and went to go sell weed, which was exactly the thing I would expect a 22-year-old to do after banging some almost 30-year-old woman. All of this happened before 8pm…on a Wednesday.

There is one lesson here for sure, my mom always tells me that I need to stop leaving the house looking like I just ended an 8-month long bender because you never know who you’re going to run into. If this situation didn’t prove her right I don’t know what will.

while he really is a nice enough guy and super good looking I just can’t picture myself having enough in common with him to continue anything beyond a strictly platonic friendship and since we have already crossed that bridge I don’t really think there is any going back from that. I have one male friend that I was able to have a platonic friendship with after we had sex, but that happened a couple years later and after a long time of having no contact with him, and there is still always that awkward element of having seen each other naked within our friendship.

I guess you could say that restaurant really gave me some more bang for my buck than I was intending that day.  I guess you could also say that depending on how this plays out my sister and I probably need to find a new restaurant halfway between our house to meet.

Brush your shoulders off

I’m not sure if this is the best or the worst thing about me, but I always push things as far as I possibly can. So last week when I got yet another message from a guy asking me if he could be my sugar daddy I responded the same way I responded to the other 750 guys who send me messages asking me to pay me for sex, I gave him my venmo and told him to put his money where his mouth was and send me something to prove he was serious.

I never expect anyone to actually send me money. I figured he would do what every other guy has done and disappear or tell me to go fuck myself. Instead, this guy paid me $25. It wasn’t a ton of money but it was the most money anyone has ever given me for no reason and it was enough to pay my bar tab that night so I was thrilled. Totally confused, but thrilled.

After he sent me the money he started asking me for pictures. Obviously, I’m not into that and even if I was my nudes are worth way more than $25 so there was no chance I was gonna send him anything. He wanted to know what he was going to get for his money, I let him know that he was getting an opportunity to “interview for the sugar daddy position”. I figured that was going to be the last time I ever heard from him but I guess that was a satisfying enough response because he asked me if I wanted to get drinks the following week.

I probably shouldn’t have agreed to meet him, but to be honest, I wasn’t totally sure if he was actually that much of a creep or if he didn’t just send me the money to call my bluff.  If that was the case I was kinda into it, but I figured at the very least if we actually did meet for drinks it was probably going to be hilariously weird, and its not like I would’ve had much else to do, and it was a public place so really the worst thing that was gonna happen was that he was actually a total creep.

We were supposed to meet for drinks Monday night. I asked him if we were going to discuss my allowance on our date. I was mostly kidding but apparently, he wasn’t because homeboy actually started discussing how much money he was willing to give me every week and what he was going to expect from me in return.

It was super weird especially since what he wanted were really vanilla things that most women do for free, and he was a good looking guy so there really was no reason he should even NEED to pay for sex. I guess it’s just his kink, to each their own I guess. He started asking me to send him pictures, and once again I decided to see how far I could push things, so I told him I was going to need some sort of deposit on the sugar daddy arrangement in order to send him anything.

I seriously thought he was finally going to tell me to go fuck myself or something but instead, he started negotiating a price for me to send him pictures of my boobs. I told him I wanted $250, at this point, I just wanted to see how much I could get out of him before he unmatched me. I didn’t think he would actually seriously negotiate a price for a picture of my boobs, but we wound up settling on $150 for a picture on snapchat with no face and I wanted the money first because ” this wasn’t mamas first rodeo” (it totally was my first rodeo).

I basically shit my pants when he actually added me on snapchat and then venmoed me the full $150. He drove a hard bargain but one thing he missed during the negotiation process was the clause that said they had to be naked boobs. He must’ve been super surprised when he opened his snap chat the next day and found a picture of my boobs, completely covered by my t-shirt.

Probably not what he was expecting, but sometimes, when you play stupid games you win stupid prizes and I became $175 richer for doing absolutely nothing.  Naturally, I haven’t heard from him since and as expected he blew off our date  which isn’t really much of a tragedy, his venmo featured his full first and last name, which I looked up on facebook along with the city he told me lived in which is where I found all the pictures of his girlfriend. So not only is he a creep trying to pay girls money for sex he’s also cheating on someone so, to be honest maybe I was a little bit of a scumbag taking money from him but in the end, he did kind of get what he deserved.