Got Some Teeth

I got Catfished tonight and I got Catfished hard.

I guess in retrospect I knew something was off about this guy. He seemed way to eager to meet up with me. It was borderline obnoxious, but I thought that maybe I had finally met someone who thought I was just as great as I think I am…. and maybe he was just a little eccentric.

Usually, before I meet up with someone I stalk their entire lives. I have almost been catfished once but was able to figure it out by reverse searching the phone number. Just in time for him to not show up to our date. I also like to know if I am meeting up with someone whose wife is going to call me in a couple weeks asking who I am and why her husband is always texting this number. Or if he has a criminal record. For whatever reason, I didn’t do that with this guy. I guess the time just got away from me and honestly, I was kind of losing interest in meeting up with him anyway so I was hoping he was going to cancel.

He lived about an hour from me and wanted to meet in the city he lived. I am kind of a snob about this, I will totally meet you halfway between my place and yours but I am not driving all the way to you. I spent way to much time in  relationships doing the most. I refuse to continue to do that so if you can’t at least meet me half way than I have no interest in meeting up with you. I suggested meeting for drinks at a place I had been to a few times with other dates and he agreed to meet me there.

When I showed up to the bar I wasn’t entirely sure who I was meeting. There wasn’t anyone there that looked like the guy from the pictures on the profile. The only reason I knew I wasn’t being stood up is that some guy got up and hugged me. He didn’t look anything like the pictures. There it was, my first catfish. Like an actual catfish he had no teeth but in his photos he had teeth. I’m not a snob. I figured maybe he was a nice guy plus I had driven over half an hour for this date so I was gonna see it through. As we sat down he said he had “already ordered a drink and hoped I didn’t mind” he was drinking a coke, but it seemed like he was trying to pass it off like he was drinking a cocktail.

He told me that he was working that day so I asked him what he did for work. He told me he was a rapper and that he was “doing odd jobs for his parents” who he lived with while he waited for his job at a Marijuana Dispensary to start in November. A grown ass 30-year-old man is sitting next to me at the bar trying to pass off doing chores for his parents with whom he lives as a “job”. Then he starts telling me all about how much weed he smokes and how much he knows about weed and how “he’ll be honest with me, he’s just drinking a regular coke because he doesn’t drink he just smokes weed.”

Look, I don’t smoke weed and I don’t care if someone I am dating casually smokes weed. But, if that is the only thing you bring to the table than we really have nothing in common. Not to mention this 30-year-old man is trying to pretend like he is also drinking. Just be upfront about the fact that you don’t drink we totally could have done something other than meet for drinks. Things were not going well, aside from him being a toothless, jobless stoner living in his parent’s basement we literally had nothing to talk about. I have never been on a date with so many awkward silences, so I started trying to make my exit.

I really only wanted to stay for one drink, but I felt guilty and stayed for two. About halfway through the second drink, I told him I was tired and had to be up for work super early (I lied, whoops…) so I was gonna head home after the second drink. He asked if I was leaving now or if we were going to leave together. In hindsight I think he was trying to take me home to his parent’s basement but I thought he just meant we were gonna walk out at the bar at the same time so I told him that I would wait for him. The tab came and I paid, I had cash and honestly I didn’t want to have to wait any longer, plus he drank a coke and I knew I didn’t want to see him again so I just dropped a 20 and left. I didn’t even wait for change, that bartender got a 100% tip on that bill.

We walked outside and I asked him where he had parked, hoping he wasn’t going to try and kiss me, and he tells me he “had a problem with his car so he ubered there”. It made total sense why he wanted me to come all the way to him for our date. He didn’t have a car either. So to recap, my date last night had no job, no car, no teeth, and lived in his parent’s basement. Guys I am not a snob but come on…. you gotta  at least have 1 out of 4. I know dating after 30 gets pretty hairy, but 1 out of 4 isn’t asking for much.

I looked at his tinder profile when I got home. He said he was intelligent and that he worked in website design. Neither of these were true. Unsurprisingly,  he looked nothing like his profile pictures and not just because he actually had teeth in his picture it looked like a completely different person.

What’s Nev’s phone number? I need to report a catfish.

Airplanes

Last weekend, I went on a date with a guy I met on Tinder. It was fine, but he was a shitty tipper. If you know me, you know that is a huge deal breaker for me. If someone else is buying my drinks I probably shouldn’t be so critical, but having worked in the industry it’s just something I really notice. Aside from that, he was a nice guy, with a decent job, who came from a nice family. I wasn’t sure we really clicked, but I almost always feel like that after a date. I’m starting to wonder if I’m the real problem.

Before the date was over, we agreed to go out again on Saturday. We were going to meet for brunch at this restaurant I had been dying to try since I moved to the city.

He texted me a lot and always said good morning. It was something I really enjoy so I was thinking the tipping thing would be teachable. Before our brunch date on Thursday night, he asked me if I wanted to meet for drinks again. I said yes. By the time I was free it was kind of late and he was understandably tired. I offered to just see him on Saturday, but he invited me to his place instead. I sort of knew it was a booty call. I figured we were both adults and he was upfront about what he was really looking for a little second date schtokus wouldn’t hurt. Plus, I wasn’t sure about him anyways so I might as well get laid.

The sex was great, think like the episode of SATC when Charlotte is dating that guy who makes her blackout when he’s going down on her, great. It’s so rare that I hook up with someone and think ‘damn can’t wait to do that again’. I found myself in a sex haze, the kind that makes you think I can put up with someone’s bullshit because the sex is so great. You really start to wonder if the things you didn’t like about them were valid, or if you are just making shit up because your trying to protect yourself from getting hurt again.

The next day he started acting weird. That was when I realized he was one of those guys. The ones who lie to girls about what they are looking for to just get laid. (There goes my sex haze). Honestly, I didn’t think that was a thing guys had to do anymore, now that Tinder is a thing. But hey- I guess if this guy’s willing to spend $100 on a date to get laid and never talk to me again…he’s probably not the type of person I want to spend my time with.

He claimed he was sleeping all day. Part of me really wanted to believe that, but, I really could sense the bullshit from a mile away.  I wasn’t surprised when he texted me an hour before we were supposed to meet on Saturday. He bailed because he “wasn’t feeling good.” I knew he was full of shit. But on the off chance he wasn’t lying, I told him I hoped he felt better and let him know when I was free next. He never responded. I had already decided that I was going to get brunch whether he was with me or not.

I decided a long time ago I wasn’t going to do the things I wanted to do just because I didn’t have someone to do them with. Brunch waits for no man so I put my good butt yoga pants on and headed out.

It was BYOB. I sat at the bar and drank a bottle of champagne by myself. Halfway through my meal, two girls sat down next to me and commented how ‘ballsy’ it was for me to be brunching alone with my bottle of champagne. They were sisters, in town for a wedding, both living in different parts of the country. I gave them some things to do around town while they were here. I mentioned I wanted to visit Texas (where they grew up) but had been putting it off because I wasn’t sure what I would do once I was there. They made me a list of things to do and where to stay if I ever decided to go.

My time with those girls (and a bottle of champagne) got me thinking. I realized a long time ago, that I had put off a lot of things in my life. All because I was doing what I thought I was supposed to do and not the things I wanted to do. So I decided to book a flight. Flights were cheap. It was actually the second trip I’d booked this week. I guess you could say my life has become sort of  drinking game. Instead of drinking every time someone says the word ‘ass’ …..you book a flight every time your disappointed by a man.

I guess you could say that right now I’m on the verge of some sort of Eat Pray Love type of journey. Except for me its mostly just eating…. and drinking. Probably not good for my liver or the size of my ass but hopefully it’ll be good for my soul …..or whatever. At the very least I will get to see what else is out there, and maybe make a decision on where and how I want to restart my life.