Age ain’t nothin but a number

After the night I hooked up with that 22 year old waiter we agreed to be friends. I really didn’t hear from him again. I couldn’t really blame him, I probably wouldn’t have called someone who got wasted on a Wednesday and banged me in my mom’s basement again either. We texted here and there for a couple days and then he disappeared. I don’t keep numbers I don’t use in my phone, so I eventually just deleted his number and kinda forgot about the whole thing.

Tuesday night I got a text from an unfamiliar number so I asked who it was. Then I noticed I had an Instagram message from the waiter so I had kinda already figured out who it was before he even responded. He wanted to know if I wanted to meet for drinks. I was planning to make it an early night but decided instead that meeting up with him was probably gonna be a lot more exciting than going to bed at 10pm so I went and met him with him.

The bar was empty except for us and some drunk middle-aged people. He tried teaching me about fantasy football and it seemed like he was trying really hard to impress me. I was starting to feel like I was on a date I didn’t Intend to be on and not like I was hanging out with a friend that I drunkenly accidentally hooked up with. Eventually, I mentioned that my sister might wanna meet up with us when she got out of work but he said that he would rather the two of us just hang out and talk.

When the check came he paid the bill and wouldn’t let me give him more than 10$ towards it, that was about the point that my suspicion was confirmed I was on a date and we weren’t just two friends hanging out and having a couple drinks. I have found myself accidentally on more dates that I didn’t realize were dates than most people I know have been on on purpose.

The bar was closing so I started looking for another bar to head to but he said he would rather go back to his place because no one as home and we could have a couple more drinks there. I am like 30 and have no business being in anyone’s mom’s basement, but I didn’t have much else going on so I figured why not.

I had remembered the sex not being very good, but I had hoped that maybe it was because I was really drunk that first time. contrary to popular belief, most drunk sex isn’t good. Sadly it wasn’t the vodka that made it bad, It was actually worse than I remembered, such a waste because this kid literally has one of the biggest Johnson’s I’ve ever seen. He isn’t a big dude and this thing is just like a freaking monster, but as we all know its not about the size of the boat its the motion of the ocean and that seemed to be lost on him. It was super quick and at one point he just kind of laid on top of me not really moving but had the audacity to ask me if I was gonna cum. It took everything I had in me not to say “yeah dude I’m coming to my senses right now and getting the hell outta here”, instead I went with something along the lines of “yeah probably after I go home”. I have got to block his number or something, this is just bad, not to mention it can never go anywhere because he is WAY to young for me. Though I could probably take the mature route and just talk to him about it.

I know I sound like a dick for counting him out because of his age and some bad sex. I know sex is teachable but it’s not even about that. For one he is just to nice for me to tell him its not good like I really don’t wanna hurt his feelings. But also he is so smart and a really talented artist, like he could build a computer from nothing and his room is full of all this really great artwork yet he still thinks the coolest thing about him is the fact that he sells weed. I found myself needing to stop myself from momming him and letting him know that most of those people were only his friend because they were getting something from him and that in the not so distant future everyone was going to be able to buy weed at the gas station so he should probably find a new side hustle. Plus I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, nothing is less impressive to me than a guy that can only talk about how much weed he smokes, granted he’s not as obnoxous about it as other guys I’ve gone out with but its obnoxious enough to be a turn off for me.

I haven’t really heard from him much since I’ve been back from vacation and I am kinda hoping it’ll stay that way. I would love to be able to be friends with him because he’s a good person and he is nice to spend time with, but he definitely isn’t the right person for me. I don’t have a future as a cougar that’s for sure.

 

Changes

Seven years ago today was both the best and worst day of my life. My niece was born, but I wasn’t there, I had missed the one day I waited for an entire 9 months for because I was also in the hospital. See my best friend was out there bringing life into this world, and I was somewhere else trying to take a life out of it. My own, I had been in such a toxic and abusive marriage that I seriously thought the only way out of it was to end it…. and I don’t mean the marriage.

Most days that part of my life feels like it didn’t really happen. Most days it feels like a bad dream I tell people about over coffee. Most days I have pretty much forgotten about the three years my ex spent destroying my life, or my nervous breakdown brought on by his abuse or everything else that went along with being married to a sociopath.

I spent several days in that hospital where they tried to convince me that I just needed to get away from him, but eventually diagnosed me as bipolar (which I would later find out was PTSD misdiagnosed as bipolar disorder) and sent me home. I don’t really remember who visited me, but I remember that he didn’t, but he sure did call me when the cable and internet got shut off because he never paid a bill the entire time we were together and I wasn’t there to take care of it.

I was discharged from the hospital just in time to hold my niece for the first time before they were discharged from the hospital as well. I came home to find my ex unconscious in our bathtub. I left for the first time shortly after. I was gone about a month before he convinced me to come home because “things would be different” It took me months to catch up on the bills he didn’t pay while I was gone.

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Me the day I was released from the hospital

He spent our entire marriage convincing me that he abused me and treated me so poorly because I was unworthy of love and deserved everything he did to me. He constantly tried to make me feel like I was crazy to think he was cheating on me despite the days he would go without coming home or the lies I constantly caught him in. He made everyone else believe I was crazy for not believing that he was clean when in reality he was setting our house up to look like it had been robbed so he could sell anything we owned of value for heroin.

I was so paranoid because he had convinced me that our neighbors were climbing in our windows while I was asleep and stealing money out of my purse that I used to sleep with my purse so our rent money wouldn’t get stolen. I would go days without eating because I was constantly so upset that I couldn’t hold food down. I was down to 140lbs which for a woman who usually sits at around 190lbs is small, and I didn’t look good. When I was released from the hospital I started on the meds they gave me and quickly started to gain weight, I couldn’t function on the meds and lost my job, after that things between us got worse and eventually reached a point where I realized that if I stayed with him I was going to die and as much as I had thought that was my only way out at one point it wasn’t actually what I wanted.

I finally had enough proof that he was cheating on me to bring myself to throw him out, that was around the same time that the people in his life started to realize that he was still using drugs and that I wasn’t as crazy as he had led everyone to believe. The police started showing up at our home looking for him. Multiple people connected to him approached me and told me that I needed to leave him or I was going to end up dead or in jail. I realized when HIS friends and family were telling me I needed to end it that there was no way I was the problem or the reason for all of his issues.

He quickly got engaged to the girl he had been cheating on me with which I reacted to in any way any normal woman who had been cheated on by a heroin addict who stole all her money and sold everything she owned…. by throwing our mattress off the third story balcony.  After that, I didn’t hear from him for four years when he finally decided we should get a divorce which was two years after I had gone and gotten the divorce myself.

After the great mattress meltdown of 2012, I jumped into another bad relationship just to prove to him and myself that I wasn’t going to be alone for the rest of my life. I jumped into a career that I didn’t really want just to prove to him that I wasn’t going to be a failure.I went back to school and agonized over keeping a 4.0 because he said I wasn’t smart enough to do it. I gave years of my life to prove to a person who literally did not give a shit about me or how much they hurt me that I was worthy of something.

Before I met him I had plans for my life, but I put them on hold for him, and that didn’t work out but then I spent even more time trying to prove him wrong so I let almost my entire 20’s pass me by and now I’m 28 and I’m in a rut and it’s time to start doing the things that I really want to do.

For as long as I can remember I have wanted to move to Florida. Before I met my ex I was looking into going to college there, but then I met him so I didn’t go. He and I had talked about going but obviously, he was a scumbag so that never happened…. which was honestly for the best because things probably would have gotten even worse if we had moved 1100 miles away from my family. I started thinking about it again after I had dealt with some pretty serious health issues this year. I had even gone as far as to look into jobs and housing, but I started to feel guilty about leaving my job because they had been so good to me during my health stuff and I had met a guy I really liked and kind of wanted to see where things went so I stopped looking as hard as I was and settled back into the life I wasn’t incredibly happy with.

Then the guy dumped me and the job laid me off (which was a blessing I was miserable) and a few other irons I thought I had in the fire didn’t work out and now I’m running out of good reasons not to do it. I mean I have friends but I only see like one of them regularly. The biggest thing that was stopping me from doing it now is that I don’t know if I could deal with being that far away from my mom. Right now if I was in a situation where I really needed my mom one of us could get in the car and be there in under an hour, but if I moved 1100 miles away it would take some planning and a whole lot more than a tank of gas, but even my mom doesn’t think this is a good enough reason not to go.

I have again put the things in my life that I really want to do on hold for things and people who really didn’t care about me.  Most of the “friendships” I was afraid to leave behind have ended and anyone whose opinions I value that I’ve spoken to agrees that it’s time for me to get a fresh start somewhere else. So I’ve decided that June 1 when my lease is up I am going to finally pack up my dogs and my cats and move to Florida.

The decision just makes sense. My rent goes up 100$ a month every year, I am unwilling to pay $1700 a month on an apartment that stays exactly the same, as much as I love Worcester I have never been able to make it my home, I have no ties here. I thought that moving back to the town I grew up to work in the restaurant I grew up in would help me to find some sort of direction but I realized that I don’t actually have a life there either and I can’t make a life doing the same things I’ve been doing for more than half my life hoping for a different result. My friends have all started their lives and families so I am for the most part alone and if I have to be alone I may as well be alone on a beach, and as much as I hate to be that far away from my mom I know she’s still going to be there.  Plus with the amount of money, I would have needed to save to move to a new apartment in Mass I can literally pack up my life and move to Florida and have money left over.

This isn’t something I just woke up one day and decided. I have been thinking about it for years, and when I lost my job I decided to go and visit some family who I hadn’t seen in three years. I arrived last week and saw some family and hung out on the beach and perused the local tinder specimen.  I didn’t get a chance to go on any dates while I was there but a local homeless guy did give me his phone number and offer to drive me to the airport when I stopped to pet his dog at a beach bar.  But the more time I spent there the more I realized that I was happier, and not just because I was on  vacation because realistically I didn’t really do many things that I wouldn’t have done if I wasn’t on vacation, and that the only things I was really badly missing from being at home were my dogs.

I won’t lie and say I’m not scared shitless because I totally am, but on the brightside, if I do down there and things don’t work out I can just slap on my marshmallow suit and find the nearest alligator swamp, which would also solve my student loan problem. Or like I could take the more rational route and just go back home. I have family there so I won’t be totally alone, and my cousin can actually cook which means I might get a home cooked meal every once in a while. My biggest obstacle now is figuring out how to save money in my already tight budget and learning how to stop spending money like I’m the long-lost Kardashian. Even though the cost of living is cheaper in Florida I probably won’t get far on the $16 I have in my savings account right now.

So, if you’ve done something like this and have any sort of advice on how to do it let me know. Also looking for advice on how to make friends without wondering if the person you’re trying to befriend thinks your hitting on them. If you know me, and your reading this know that you only have about six months left to get your fill of me before I head off to make either the best or second worst decision of my life.

Also, my dad is really concerned about whose gonna check my oil so if someone wanted to teach me how to do that my dad (and me) would appreciate it.

Got Some Teeth

I got Catfished tonight and I got Catfished hard.

I guess in retrospect I knew something was off about this guy. He seemed way to eager to meet up with me. It was borderline obnoxious, but I thought that maybe I had finally met someone who thought I was just as great as I think I am…. and maybe he was just a little eccentric.

Usually, before I meet up with someone I stalk their entire lives. I have almost been catfished once but was able to figure it out by reverse searching the phone number. Just in time for him to not show up to our date. I also like to know if I am meeting up with someone whose wife is going to call me in a couple weeks asking who I am and why her husband is always texting this number. Or if he has a criminal record. For whatever reason, I didn’t do that with this guy. I guess the time just got away from me and honestly, I was kind of losing interest in meeting up with him anyway so I was hoping he was going to cancel.

He lived about an hour from me and wanted to meet in the city he lived. I am kind of a snob about this, I will totally meet you halfway between my place and yours but I am not driving all the way to you. I spent way to much time in  relationships doing the most. I refuse to continue to do that so if you can’t at least meet me half way than I have no interest in meeting up with you. I suggested meeting for drinks at a place I had been to a few times with other dates and he agreed to meet me there.

When I showed up to the bar I wasn’t entirely sure who I was meeting. There wasn’t anyone there that looked like the guy from the pictures on the profile. The only reason I knew I wasn’t being stood up is that some guy got up and hugged me. He didn’t look anything like the pictures. There it was, my first catfish. Like an actual catfish he had no teeth but in his photos he had teeth. I’m not a snob. I figured maybe he was a nice guy plus I had driven over half an hour for this date so I was gonna see it through. As we sat down he said he had “already ordered a drink and hoped I didn’t mind” he was drinking a coke, but it seemed like he was trying to pass it off like he was drinking a cocktail.

He told me that he was working that day so I asked him what he did for work. He told me he was a rapper and that he was “doing odd jobs for his parents” who he lived with while he waited for his job at a Marijuana Dispensary to start in November. A grown ass 30-year-old man is sitting next to me at the bar trying to pass off doing chores for his parents with whom he lives as a “job”. Then he starts telling me all about how much weed he smokes and how much he knows about weed and how “he’ll be honest with me, he’s just drinking a regular coke because he doesn’t drink he just smokes weed.”

Look, I don’t smoke weed and I don’t care if someone I am dating casually smokes weed. But, if that is the only thing you bring to the table than we really have nothing in common. Not to mention this 30-year-old man is trying to pretend like he is also drinking. Just be upfront about the fact that you don’t drink we totally could have done something other than meet for drinks. Things were not going well, aside from him being a toothless, jobless stoner living in his parent’s basement we literally had nothing to talk about. I have never been on a date with so many awkward silences, so I started trying to make my exit.

I really only wanted to stay for one drink, but I felt guilty and stayed for two. About halfway through the second drink, I told him I was tired and had to be up for work super early (I lied, whoops…) so I was gonna head home after the second drink. He asked if I was leaving now or if we were going to leave together. In hindsight I think he was trying to take me home to his parent’s basement but I thought he just meant we were gonna walk out at the bar at the same time so I told him that I would wait for him. The tab came and I paid, I had cash and honestly I didn’t want to have to wait any longer, plus he drank a coke and I knew I didn’t want to see him again so I just dropped a 20 and left. I didn’t even wait for change, that bartender got a 100% tip on that bill.

We walked outside and I asked him where he had parked, hoping he wasn’t going to try and kiss me, and he tells me he “had a problem with his car so he ubered there”. It made total sense why he wanted me to come all the way to him for our date. He didn’t have a car either. So to recap, my date last night had no job, no car, no teeth, and lived in his parent’s basement. Guys I am not a snob but come on…. you gotta  at least have 1 out of 4. I know dating after 30 gets pretty hairy, but 1 out of 4 isn’t asking for much.

I looked at his tinder profile when I got home. He said he was intelligent and that he worked in website design. Neither of these were true. Unsurprisingly,  he looked nothing like his profile pictures and not just because he actually had teeth in his picture it looked like a completely different person.

What’s Nev’s phone number? I need to report a catfish.

Airplanes

Last weekend, I went on a date with a guy I met on Tinder. It was fine, but he was a shitty tipper. If you know me, you know that is a huge deal breaker for me. If someone else is buying my drinks I probably shouldn’t be so critical, but having worked in the industry it’s just something I really notice. Aside from that, he was a nice guy, with a decent job, who came from a nice family. I wasn’t sure we really clicked, but I almost always feel like that after a date. I’m starting to wonder if I’m the real problem.

Before the date was over, we agreed to go out again on Saturday. We were going to meet for brunch at this restaurant I had been dying to try since I moved to the city.

He texted me a lot and always said good morning. It was something I really enjoy so I was thinking the tipping thing would be teachable. Before our brunch date on Thursday night, he asked me if I wanted to meet for drinks again. I said yes. By the time I was free it was kind of late and he was understandably tired. I offered to just see him on Saturday, but he invited me to his place instead. I sort of knew it was a booty call. I figured we were both adults and he was upfront about what he was really looking for a little second date schtokus wouldn’t hurt. Plus, I wasn’t sure about him anyways so I might as well get laid.

The sex was great, think like the episode of SATC when Charlotte is dating that guy who makes her blackout when he’s going down on her, great. It’s so rare that I hook up with someone and think ‘damn can’t wait to do that again’. I found myself in a sex haze, the kind that makes you think I can put up with someone’s bullshit because the sex is so great. You really start to wonder if the things you didn’t like about them were valid, or if you are just making shit up because your trying to protect yourself from getting hurt again.

The next day he started acting weird. That was when I realized he was one of those guys. The ones who lie to girls about what they are looking for to just get laid. (There goes my sex haze). Honestly, I didn’t think that was a thing guys had to do anymore, now that Tinder is a thing. But hey- I guess if this guy’s willing to spend $100 on a date to get laid and never talk to me again…he’s probably not the type of person I want to spend my time with.

He claimed he was sleeping all day. Part of me really wanted to believe that, but, I really could sense the bullshit from a mile away.  I wasn’t surprised when he texted me an hour before we were supposed to meet on Saturday. He bailed because he “wasn’t feeling good.” I knew he was full of shit. But on the off chance he wasn’t lying, I told him I hoped he felt better and let him know when I was free next. He never responded. I had already decided that I was going to get brunch whether he was with me or not.

I decided a long time ago I wasn’t going to do the things I wanted to do just because I didn’t have someone to do them with. Brunch waits for no man so I put my good butt yoga pants on and headed out.

It was BYOB. I sat at the bar and drank a bottle of champagne by myself. Halfway through my meal, two girls sat down next to me and commented how ‘ballsy’ it was for me to be brunching alone with my bottle of champagne. They were sisters, in town for a wedding, both living in different parts of the country. I gave them some things to do around town while they were here. I mentioned I wanted to visit Texas (where they grew up) but had been putting it off because I wasn’t sure what I would do once I was there. They made me a list of things to do and where to stay if I ever decided to go.

My time with those girls (and a bottle of champagne) got me thinking. I realized a long time ago, that I had put off a lot of things in my life. All because I was doing what I thought I was supposed to do and not the things I wanted to do. So I decided to book a flight. Flights were cheap. It was actually the second trip I’d booked this week. I guess you could say my life has become sort of  drinking game. Instead of drinking every time someone says the word ‘ass’ …..you book a flight every time your disappointed by a man.

I guess you could say that right now I’m on the verge of some sort of Eat Pray Love type of journey. Except for me its mostly just eating…. and drinking. Probably not good for my liver or the size of my ass but hopefully it’ll be good for my soul …..or whatever. At the very least I will get to see what else is out there, and maybe make a decision on where and how I want to restart my life.