Champagne Problems

Last night, I matched with a guy on Tinder who seemed really great. We talked for a while, and eventually he invited me to dinner. At that point, I was already in the process of cooking and couldn’t really stop and change my plans, so I asked him if he would be available to meet for drinks in a couple hours instead. He said yes, then added that he didn’t drink but he really liked ginger-ale. Cue internal screaming.

Lately, I’ve been encountering a lot of men who say they don’t drink, and every time I hear it I instantly lose interest. I know this makes me sound like a raging alcoholic, but hear me out on this.

Alcohol is not a deciding factor in my life, I really don’t drink that much compared to other people in my age group, but when I see myself in a relationship, I see myself with someone who will go out with me on a Friday night and have a few drinks in a beer garden, or at a bar. It’s something I could never really do in my previous relationships. If we’re being honest, getting either of my ex’s to even spend time with me was like pulling teeth.

If I am going to have a relationship with someone, I don’t want it to be another relationship where I have to do everything alone, or one where I get criticized by my partner for going out and having a couple drinks with friends. I literally spent 10 years in relationships where I had to go to events by myself because I had partners who didn’t drink. When I was able to convince them to go somewhere with me, most of the time they would sit and pout and be rude, to both to me and anybody with us. It was embarrassing, and I really don’t want to have to deal with a lifetime of similar situations.

My other reservation is like- what do you do on a first date then? I generally try to avoid going for a meal on the first date, opting for drinks instead. Drinks are fast and easy, 20 minutes tops, and there’s no pressure. And if things aren’t going well you can leave after one drink, rather than staying for an entire meal, which can be upwards of an hour or more. Also, if things aren’t going well during the meal, it honestly feels a lot like being held hostage.

I like the option of being in-and-out if I need to, and it’s also cheaper. If we wind up splitting the bill or I pay, I don’t end up spending a bunch of money when I didn’t have a good time. If he pays, I won’t feel so bad about not wanting to see him again.

Recently, my dating app conversations usually go like this- they ask if I want to get together, I suggest we meet for a drink, they respond with something along the lines of “I don’t drink but we can smoke a blunt if you want”, I tell them I don’t smoke, and plans are never made.

I don’t have an issue with weed, but all my last ex ever did was smoke weed to the point where we couldn’t do anything that didn’t revolve around it. He was constantly spending all of his money on it, to the point that I wound up paying for almost everything when we lived together. I know that in most cases this is not the norm. I also know that the real reason he was like that wasn’t because he smoked weed, but because he literally didn’t give a shit about me or anything I cared about.

Still, I can’t shake the internal cringe I feel every time a guy suggests smoking a blunt as a date. I know people are fully capable of smoking and not being a dick about it, but something about offering to take me on a “blunt cruise” as a first date is a real turn off.

Surprisingly, that’s not what happened this time around. He didn’t offer to “smoke me up on a blunt”, he just accepted my bull shit excuse and my promise that we could meet for an appetizer later in the week. He even continued the conversation. That was when I started wondering if I was just being a giant asshole in not giving this seemingly great guy a chance, just because he didn’t drink.

I am such a proponent of not letting the bullshit from your past relationships affect your present life but here I was doing exactly the thing I tell so many people not to do. So, when he gave me one last chance to meet him for appetizers that night, I impulsively decided I should just meet up with him. It wouldn’t kill me right? Plus, the meal I cooked sucked anyway.

We met for appetizers. He wound up being pretty great.

I still have my reservations about dating someone who doesn’t drink, but its only been one date. Also, if he can not be a dick about the fact that he doesn’t drink and I do, I think he and I could have a lot of fun together. I guess we will see.

 

Kiss Kiss Bang Bang

A couple weeks ago I met this guy on OkCupid and he initially seemed like he was pretty cool. We talked for about a week or so before we made plans to meet for drinks. Somewhere between the bachelorette weekend I was on and the day we were supposed to meet up I started feeling like he was really full of shit about a lot of things. I like to keep an open mind so I decided that despite the fact that I wasn’t really feeling it I was going to go anyway. I have gone on plenty of dates that I really didn’t want to go on and wound up really enjoying myself.

I had had a particularly rough day at work before we met up for drinks so I wasn’t exactly on my A game, I probably should’ve canceled but I really need a drink and I was (am) pretty sure I was getting fired so I really really needed a free drink. Several free drinks so I sucked it up and met up with him. I was initially supposed to meet him at the beach but it was going to be a two-hour drive so we opted to meet somewhere halfway. It worked out that the halfway point was a bar I used to work for so we met there.

The date was fine, he was good looking but something about it was just so awkward. I just wasn’t feeling it but I couldn’t put my finger on why. Then he told me he was a “gamer” and it was kind of all downhill from there. It’s one thing to play video games and that’s fine I totally get that, it’s not really my thing but its a decent pastime but when someone refers to themselves as a gamer all I really see is like this middle-aged guy in his mom’s basement with the headset and a ketchup stain on his shirt telling 12 year old kids to kill themselves. He also told me that one of his major hobbies is political trolling on twitter. Think like Chrissy Teigan but probably less funny. There wasn’t anything particularly wrong with him but we just didn’t click.

When the date was over he wanted to take a walk on the rail trail behind the bar. The rail trail is literally an unlit path through the woods and I was really not about to enter the dark woods with a guy I had just met like three hours before. I was trying to nicely just say goodnight so I could do a lap around the building and eat some pizza (because I was starving) and get a couple more drinks but then he wanted to sit in his car since I wouldn’t go for a walk in the woods. The thing I dislike most when on a date is when a guy tries to make out with or bang you in his car after a first date. First of all- I am like 30, if I want to make out with you I will take you to my house, that I live in alone and do it there like a god damn adult. I’m not gonna take you to my tiny ass car so you can suck the soul out of me like a god damnd dementor. The first date is already awkward enough without someone trying to motorboat you in a Denny’s parking lot.

I am too nice to say no so I get in the car with him. The next thing I know he was like full on assaulting my face. I felt so weird about it that I had to actively stop myself from laughing. I felt like I was under attack. Just when I thought it couldn’t get any more awkward he bites me! But not in a good way- it was like he bit my entire mouth at the same time. I had to get out of the car or I was going to start hysterically laughing in his mouth so I made up something about needing to pee and that one of my friends inside was too drunk to drive home and I made my escape. I was super thankful that we had gone to a place where I knew people so I could use them as my out. About an hour later he texted me and apologized for our makeout session being “rougher than I’m used to”. ROUGHER THAN IM USED TO???? That was a full-on facial assault! At that point I knew I for sure had to end things before they went any further.

Over the next couple days I politely awkwardly distanced myself because I didn’t have the heart to tell him I didn’t want to go out with him again. Especially after he made a weird comment about being my boyfriend soon ( after one date…come on broooo). I think he eventually caught on because eventually he just sent me a bunch of weird Porn Hub memes and stopped texting me which I was pretty thankful for.

This post is dedicated in loving memory of Rudy Zuccaro 02.28.93-06.21.18

Slide

I’ve reached a point in my life where having a sugar daddy doesn’t feel like such a bad idea anymore. Coming from me that’s pretty bad since I’ve seen first hand through someone I used to be close with what that lifestyle actually entails. I’ve reached a point in my job where I have to actively talk myself out of changing my name and driving to the other side of the country every morning when I get in the car to go there. A sugar daddy would solve my work problem, as well as my dating problem. I am one bad date away from just getting another cat, something I actively considered during my last encounter.

A couple years ago I went out with this guy who shared my unending love of Obama 27-4Biden memes. Regardless of what your political stance is you cannot not love a good Obama Biden meme. This guy was probably only the second date I had been on since my relationship ended, and actually probably in my entire life. He was nice enough but we split the bill which was pretty unimpressive for a first date, and he didn’t kiss me which was kind of weird. I was still in my having no idea how to date phase of life so for the second date I invited him over to watch tv or whatever. I honestly forget why I invited him over, maybe it was also during that time where I thought I could cook and I was attempting to make him dinner. He came over, we did whatever it was I invited him over to do, and he tried to get a blowjob. It was prehoe phase which was this weird window of time where I really thought I was gonna find love on tinder (lol) and I wasn’t hooking up with guys before the third date (because that’s the magic date right?). He left and after a couple days, I didn’t hear from him again. He just blatantly stopped responding and unmatched me on bumble. He weirdly continued to like everything on my Instagram and Facebook pages but never responded to my texts. I think one night I got kind of drunk and finally texted him and basically yelled at him about how weird it was that he just disappeared but continued to haunt my social media (ala that time I drunkenly texted a guy who had blown me off and told him “my time is a gift” after my work Christmas party).

After that, I guess I blocked him on all my social media, which I don’t remember doing so I really didn’t hear from him for a few months. Until one super weird night where he started sending me a bunch of Obama Biden memes. He didn’t say anything or respond to any of my messages he just kept sending memes. They were happening at like 5-minute intervals for like two hours. I want to say he did it more than once. It was weird as hell, he never said anything at all just sent a bunch of memes and that was it. It is still among the weirdest things a guy has done to me in the dating pool to this day and I have made an entire Instagram page and blog out of dating weirdness.

So fast forward to last week. I have a second personal Instagram page that I accidentally created because I’m computer illiterate and had accidentally locked myself out of my

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This is the weird NOT FUNNY meme he sent me

Instagram. Somehow in trying to reset my password, I managed to create a second Instagram page. I’ve just kept it linked to my other pages ever since because whatever. So I get this notification last week that meme guy wants to follow my accidental Instagram. I’m over being mad/ weirded out at this point and also I’m incredibly nosy (my biggest downfall) so I follow him back. Next thing I know he’s sliding into my DM’s with another Biden meme. It’s not even a good one. So now I’m more confused because this guy I haven’t heard from in two years is sending me this shitty meme that isn’t funny and doesn’t make sense.  I thought it was gonna end at that like the last weird time he reached out to me so I messaged him back and asked if he was just planning to send me a bunch of memes and not talk to me again or if he actually wanted something. He responds with “I know we got disconnected at one point but I saw you on bumble and was wondering if you’d like to go out again or if you had moved on”.

Got disconnected? Bitch! You ghosted me and then spent months haunting my social media and sending me memes but saying nothing else. Do you think I forgot how weird that was? And wtf you mean by moved on? We went on two dates and I paid for my own drinks so I don’t even know if that qualifies it as a date what the fuck you think I had to move on from? Nonetheless, the idiot in me who just wanted to see what was gonna happen and gave him my phone number so we could start talking again and he literally never reached out to me. Which might possibly be weirder than if he had just sent me a bunch of memes and not said anything like the last time. I’m just confused, like this seems like a lot of effort to go through to get someone’s number and then just never talk to them. I really only give people one chance with me so it wasn’t like I was going to go out with him (this is a lesson I learned after multiple failed relationships) its just weird af.

Bad Romance

Have you ever had sex and it was so bad that you felt like you owed your vagina an apology when it was finally over? That was me Sunday night.  I have for the most part sworn off one night stands and fuck buddies, but I have been really in my feels lately trying to figure out what I’m doing with my life and just generally disappointed by dating in general so after dinner and a few drinks with friends when the opportunity for a hook up came about I took it.

I had recently changed my tinder settings to include men ages 21-35 which I think makes me a cougar but I’m not sure. I don’t really know why I decided to do it but I think it was a combination of me being sick getting weirdly timed poorly lit selfies from middle-aged men and I maybe had gone on one too many dates with men over 30 who for the most part haven’t learned that you cant hurt everyone who tries to care about you just because someone did it to you. On day one I matched with some 22-year-old kid who wasn’t far away from me. He was pretty adamant that he was going to somehow manage to rock my world. I guess I did kind of set him up for failure when he told me how women have told him how “good he was with his hands and tongue” to which I responded, “yeah no one is ever going to tell you it was terrible but thanks for playing”.

When he was messaging me earlier in the day I said it was a possibility. I knew I had been super in my feels and probably needed to get some and I also knew I was gonna have a few drinks so I figured I would leave it open-ended so that if I was feeling like I get some cradle robbing strange I would have the opportunity to. Around the 6th vodka soda, I mentioned that I might be into it. Next thing I knew he was in the car on the way to Worcester and at that point I felt bad about backing out so I just gave him my address.

So he comes over and he’s a nice enough kid. We start getting things going and he can’t uh… rise to the occasion. He starts losing his mind and literally SLAPS HIS OWN DICK. I’m just sitting there like woah- we are in my own house- how can I get out of this. I thought he was going to cry. He finally ends his limpdick induced breakdown and we start hooking up and suddenly I wasn’t sure if I had a vagina or a construction site down there because he was like a god damn jackhammer.  The whole ordeal only lasted about 20 minutes but damn it was the longest 20 minutes of my life. It was one of those experiences that made me wish I had never moved my emergency hammer away from next to my bed.

Familiar Faces

I first joined Tinder and Bumble two years ago about a month after my four-year relationship ended. After four years I finally realized I deserved better than what I was getting out of that relationship and after a month-long break, I realized that nothing was going to change so I let him know that he could stay in our apartment while he figured out what he was going to do but he and I would not be getting back together. Despite the fact that he was an asshole I felt bad breaking up with him and also making him homeless at the same time. I didn’t expect that it was going to take him like 8 months to leave or that I would have to practically threaten to change the locks and put his shit on the front lawn to get him to finally move out.

Anyway, I joined tinder and bumble about a month after me and my ex split, it was sort of complicated because we were still living together. I did manage to meet a couple people, including this one guy. It was one of my first ever tinder experiences and to be honest it was enough to make me run fast and far away and never look back. You ever see a picture of someone and you feel like the room they’re in looks familiar, or that they look familiar but you can’t quite put your finger on who they are or what it is? That was how I felt when I matched with him. The rooms his pictures in were super familiar and so was he and one of the girls in one of his pictures but I couldn’t figure out why. I figured the girl was his sister or something so I didn’t question why there was a girl in a couple of his pictures. We started chatting, he was super friendly and charming and he sent memes so when he asked me to meet up with him I immediately agreed. This was back in the days where I really thought true love could be found on tinder.

He wanted to come to my house but that was obviously a no go since my ex was living there and could come home at any time. I always tried to be super upfront about my living situation when I was meeting someone new because I felt like it as unfair not to be. I also tried to be fair to my ex and not have men that I was romantically interested in in our apartment while he was still living there, despite the fact that I am pretty sure he didn’t have the same consideration for me. I offered to meet him at his place but he told me he had terrible roommates. He then proceeded to spend about an hour talking all this shit about his roommates and how awful they were, and how they used to be cool until they got married and now they hate each other, so it appeared that going to his place was also out.

We decided to meet at a park in the town where he was living. My sister lived in the same town as him and since I like to let someone know where I’m going and who I’m going with I decided to send my sister a picture of him and his phone number just so shed know where I was and who I was with if anything happened. That was when I figured out why everything about his pictures looked so familiar. HE WAS MY SISTERS ROOMMATE. Not only was he my sister’s roommate, he was living with his girlfriend of 10 years. Not only was he not single, he had just spent an hour talking shit about my sister and brother in law. What a scumbag! it was not actually surprising that he was a scumbag once I figured out who he actually was, I had heard plenty of stories about him and the type of person he was when he wasn’t bullshitting someone trying to impress them.

Here’s a little background on this… My sister had been renting a house with her now husband for about five years before this incident. It was kind of far away from where me and all our friends were living and they had a series of really shitty roommates, and the worst of them was this guy and his girlfriend. I had really only been to her house a handful of times and during those times I think this kid and his girlfriend had only come out of their bedroom for a total of five minutes and didn’t even say hello. So it was not totally crazy that I didn’t recognize him or her or the rooms his pictures were taken in until she pointed it out to me.

I was literally on my way out the door when my sister told me that this was her roommate and he was living with his girlfriend of 10 years. So I obviously told him I wasn’t going to meet him and asked him if his girlfriend knew he was meeting up with women from tinder, and that he was a lying liar who lies. He acted confused because “he didn’t have a girlfriend” so that was when I informed him that we had actually met before and that the terrible roommates he spent so much time talking about were my sister and her husband. Rather than admitting defeat he tries to tell me that he and his girlfriend had actually broken up but were still living together much like me and my ex. He said they hadn’t told anyone about the split and begged me not to tell my sister because he “didn’t want to stress her out”, he also begged me not to tell my sister about all the shit he had talked about her and her husband during our conversation.

I was obviously sending her the screenshots of our entire conversation. I don’t know how she managed to continue to live with him after that and not bring it up but somehow she did, and he never knew that she knew absolutely everything he said. The tinder guy and his non-girlfriend moved out a few months later- together-and are now engaged.  As for my ex, he finally moved out right after Thanksgiving two years ago- 8 months after we had broken up. Things had gotten pretty ugly and when he left he tried taking one of my dressers becuse “I gave it to him” (I didn’t- I allowed him to use it while he lived here, hardly a gift) and he took the toilet paper when he left because “He paid for it” (it was one of the only things he paid for the entire time we were together but ok)- as if I didn’t pay in days of my life that I could have been enjoying for every day that I spent with him during our relationship.

Pen Pals

One of the worst things about online dating, or I guess dating in general is this weird ass group of men who only want to sext you and exchange pictures. Like I don’t know about anyone else but I didn’t join tinder to find a pen pal. If I wanted one of those I would just write to someone in prison, they definitely need it more than your ass (probably) sitting in your mom’s basement fighting with 12 year olds on Xbox live (I’m not sure that’s even a thing anymore?), and it would probably be considerably less effort than having to talk to most of these guys.

These guys come in many different shapes and sizes. First there’s the ever-present “send a pic hun” guy. Something about a guy calling me hun literally makes me gag but that’s a me 1different thing entirely. They aren’t even necessarily asking for nudes, most of them just want you to send them a bunch of selfies.  First off -I am not a selfie person, not to say I don’t think I look damn good, I just don’t think I need to have 700 pictures of myself on my phone, I know what I look like and you messaged me on my internet dating profile which has like six pictures of me which means you also know what I look like. These guys usually do this at like 7 o’clock in the morning before  I have barely had my coffee. I think it’s because they think most women aren’t awake enough to reject them.  I will usually tell them I’m not into that or that I don’t really have any pictures to send. Then they want you to take one. Bro it is 7am, I have barely had my coffee and even if I didn’t think this whole exchanging pics thing was weird af I would not be starting any photo shoots to send you pics so you can jerk off to them later- sorry. If they really push it I do have a decent amount of super unflattering photos that I will send. Especially if they ask for something “sexy”. Sure- heres this picture of me eating cake in a sombrero… enjoy.

Then there’s the sneak attack selfie guy. It starts off as a fairly normal conversation and then all of a sudden you get some weird ass super unflattering way to up close picture of his face. And it always happens at like the weirdest times. One minute we’re talking about our plans for the weekend and the next thing you know you get the weirdest possibly worse picture someone has ever taken of themselves. I think they’re expecting me to say they look hot or something but it’s so awkward so I usually respond with something along the lines of “thanks for your face I guess” hoping they’ll feel as awkward as I do, or I’ll try to ignore it and hope it goes away. It never goes away, they usually follow it up by sending three more variations of the same picture (for good measure I guess) or ask”what did you think”. Like to be honest I think you should probably run these by a female friend before sending them to any potential women you might be interested in so they can tell you how fucking weird it is- but that feels mean and I’m not mean so “thanks for your face” it is. Like I have flat-out told men how weird and creepy I think it is and 10 seconds later I get a barrage of pictures, and when you don’t respond in a way that’s satisfying they get all mad because “clearly you’re not into this”- as if you didn’t just tell them you weren’t into four minutes before they decided to send it to you.

If they aren’t sending you  bad inappropriately timed selfies and begging for pictures they’re sending you dick pic. I would love to find just one woman who is really into the dick pic. Like unless your dick is covered in glitter I probably don’t want to see it. YannoDick pics what I do wanna see pictures of? Your dog- send me a dog pic that’s what really impresses me. I have  gotten so many dick pics since I got on tinder that I started responding to them with pictures of better looking dicks. Like originally I was responding to them with pictures of my cat (yanno- here’s a picture of my pussy) but then I got the idea to respond with pictures of better looking dicks and it was the smartest thing I’ve ever done. My favorite part is like you send them a dick pic in response to a dick pic and these guys so confused they are always like “why do I need this?”- well why did you think I need yours? Like we were just talking about the weather and now I have this picture of your dick looking like a shar pei, I didn’t ask for that. Now we both have a picture of something we didn’t need- you’re welcome. I really want to know how they think it’s gonna go down when they send something like that. Do they think theirs is like the first one I’ve ever seen? I have news for you- your girl has seen quite a few dicks in her day and if you’ve seen one you’ve seen them all. They also seem to always want naked pictures of you. I have had several guys even go as far as offering me money for nudes. The other day I had a guy offer me $100 for nudes (including a picture of my asshole….who the hell is even capable of doing that? I am dying to know) and $200 for sex (which seems like an unfair trade considering he was offering $100 for a “spread” of pictures). I told him that seemed pretty hookery, and he told me I was “only a hooker if I do it all the time”. Solid logic I guess. Like yeah guys I have pretty amazing boobs but you can’t just go around showing strange men all the amazing things about yourself without making them work for it at least a little.

Last- my least favorite, are the sexters. These guys don’t even want to pretend they give a shit about how your day went. You barely even get a hello out and all of a sudden its like your under attack. I am totally not a prude either, like in the right situation I can get totally down with the dirty pictures and the dirty text messages- but not with some guy I just started talking to four minutes ago. No random guy has ever initiated a dirty conversation with me and I’ve just been like damn this is so great I hope this continues. These are the guys who always want to talk about what a huge dick they have too. I am a firm believer that it’s not the size of the ship its the motion of the ocean but have you ever noticed that no matter how many guys you talk to they all have 8+ inch dicks. And even with photographic proof of their four-inch wonder they still wanna act like its gonna be the biggest thing you’ve. Listen bro I have seen a measuring tape a few times in my day and I can tell the difference between a 5 inches and 8 inches, you aren’t fooling anyone except yourself buddy.

There are so many guys out there who are incapable of carrying on a normal conversation. God forbid they don’t get the response they want then they start getting hostile. If you don’t ohh and ahh over their weird selfie or the dick pic you never asked for all of a sudden your fat and ugly and unworthy of their shrivel dick in the first place.  Like I’m fat but you’re the fucking weirdo who can’t step out from behind your cell phone to get to know a girl before you start acting like a sexual predator. Like nobody asked for this? I thought we were going to have a friendly conversation about our likes and dislikes but all of a sudden you’re having a tantrum because you aren’t getting enough attention in the middle of a work day.

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I’m not going to meet my husband on tinder, or POF, or OkCupid- or any of those other websites for that matter. I mean- I wouldn’t be against it, and I wouldn’t shut down the possibility of a real relationship, but lets be real tinder and all those other dating aps are meant specifically for hookups. It’s just that I spent so much time over the past two years getting lame dick when I could have been asleep that I really don’t have the patience for it anymore. For real most of these guys couldn’t achieve a female orgasm if we came with an instructional video and a map. It got incredibly boring, and since I haven’t lived in this city very long and haven’t managed to make many friends  I started getting kind of lonely. After my 957th lame hookup I deleted the ap, but after a breif hiatus I got bored again- this time for different reasons so I decided to re download  and approach tinder differently, and actually date- something I have never done.

Since ending my hoe phase I’ve probably been going on 3-5 dates a week. Most of them were ok, just not people I wanted to see again (example: a 28 year old man still living at home because he “didn’t feel like paying bills”) or maybe the timing was off, or the initial date was great but the guy wound up being a huge flake.

Flakiness is one of my biggest pet peeves, seriously there’s  nothing worse than a guy who starts out really good but then can’t follow through with anything after the first date. Like I am a pretty understanding girl and I get that things come up but if you just blatantly bail on me or  frequently cancel or reschedule at the last possible minute I am not going to keep seeing you- no one is that busy that they can’t have common decency, if your that guy then really your just kind of a dick.

thumbnail (1)I also can’t stand guys who think that just because they spend an hour with you or buy you a couple drinks that they are entitled to sex. I got a message from a 33 year old man a couple weeks ago which was basically an overly worded version of him telling me that he would like to take me on a date but if he were to take me on a date he would expect some sort of sexual compensation – for example a hand job- to prove that I wasn’t just using him for free drinks or as a time filler. Yes- you did read that- a grown ass man asked for a middle school hand job in order to take me on a date. Like no thanks bro, I can buy my own drinks.

I want to preface this by saying that I’m not a paranoid person, but I also don’t want a CSI episode written based on my untimely death, and there’s only so many times I could’ve borrowed my neighbors stun gun before she started to question what I was really doing three to five nights a week that required a stun gun. And since I am literally summoning men from the internet to meet me in bars there is no guarantee that I won’t wind up in a dumpster so you really can’t be to careful because you just don’t know what your going to run into.

I once had to have the police tell a tinder guy to stop harassing me  (he literally sent 500drink-e1524011504368.jpg texts in one day and when i blocked his number he called me 65 times from a private number and left a bunch of crazy voicemails) so now I always make sure I share my location with a couple of people and for the most part I try to bring all first dates to the same two restaurants. One is a pricier restaurant that I really enjoy- where I sort of know a bartender well enough that he  would notice if something was wrong. I really only bring guys there if I feel like they would enjoy the experience and if I have enough cash in my budget to go halves because it is on the expensive side and I wouldn’t feel right going there with the expectation that he would pay for a 100$ meal for a girl he barely knows, isn’t going to get laid by, and chances are will only maybe see one or two more times before things fizzle out. The other bar is a more casual place with 5$ cocktails and a huge beer selection – cheap enough where I don’t mind paying for my own drinks if I have to and my friends boyfriend is a bartender there. I also feel like I have frequented that bar enough over the past year that people working there would probably notice if something was going terribly wrong, plus they have the best nachos in the city.

So with all those dates I figured someone had to have noticed that I am there usually sitting in exactly the same bar stool with  several different guys a week. I was actually starting to feel a little insecure about it, so much so that I had recently posted on facebook “how many dates can I bring to the same bar before the staff starts to notice- asking for a friend”. Most people figured they probably had noticed by now, but I got the real answer last weekend at my birthday party. I don’t care that I’m almost 30 I celebrate my birthday for pretty much an entire week.

I started my birthday weekend by getting wine and cheese and chocolate at that niceish restaurant that I bring some of my dates to with one of my friends from home. We got pretty friendly with our waiter and talked about some of our dating experiences. The next night a bunch of us went bowling and then out to the bars after. A couple of the waitstaff at the bar I bring most of my dates to were there and since my friend knew just about everyone  we started talking to them and I jokingly asked if they had noticed yet how many different dates i take to that restaurant. They do, and they eavesdrop and pretty much take bets (fair) and make sure the guy I’m with isn’t going to murder me, and for the most part they all think I can do much better than some of the guys I’ve been out with. I also ran into my waiter from the previous night who remembered me and my friend (first and last names) and gave me a code word to use to let him know if I was ever in trouble on a date, so that he could help me get out of it.

To be honest, these are the most comforting things anyone’s ever told me. It’s not that I don’t believe I can do better than most of the guys I’ve been going out with, but in a world that thinks you should settle because its better than being alone and I’m not getting any younger its nice to hear that, because as a person who did settle for 10 years for treated worse than shit by the men I was with because she had low self-esteem. I know for a fact that settling is not worse than being alone. That being alone and being alone is significantly better than being alone and being with someone. So its nice to hear that strangers think I can do better than most of these tinder idiots who for the most part are only slightly less lazy than the guys I spent the last two years just hooking up with because at the very least they will take a girl on a proper date before expecting to get laid.  But the most comforting part of all of it is knowing that despite the fact that I am at least an hour away from most of my friends and family there are still people out there who would notice and step in if something was going on wrong. It made me feel not quite so alone in a city where for the past year- even though I have been having alot of fun- I have felt pretty lonely and that was probably the best birthday gift that I got this year.