F words

I am a fat girl. I mean I am not gonna wind up on that show my 600 lb life any time soon but I’m fat and I own my fatness- there’s nothing wrong with it and I am not ashamed of it. I like myself, I like the way I look – sure i would love to lose a few lbs but I decided a long time ago that I am not longer going to spend my life agonizing over every calorie so I can be a smaller size so society will find me sexier. It is still possible to be “fat” and sexy, its possible to be fat and interesting, fat and funny, fat and smart. My fatness doesn’t take away from my ability to be attractive, or a good friend, or a woman worthy of finding a man.

So one thing that really grinds my gears is when men have to comment on my body. We don’t need to talk about my curves, we don’t need to call me a bbw, I am not thicc. You wouldn’t great a thin woman by saying something like “Hey gorgeous skinny girl” because if you did you would sound like a complete fucking weirdo. So why would you ever great a plus size woman that way. It is equally if not more creepy. I am not a circus animal, I am not an alien, and you do not deserve an award for being interested in me. I literally gag every time I open a message along the lines of “I love your belly”, “I love a BBW”.  And I am not downing anyone for being thin- I firmly believe that as long as you are healthy that you should be able to love your body with out anyone fetishizing you for it. My body type is not a fetish. I am a smart, strong, funny, attractive girl, with a great job who happens to really like cake  and vodka but has a pretty shitty metabolism.

These men though are the same men who will jump to calling you fat and disgusting as soon as you even hint at rejecting them for their creepy opener, or their lame ass attempt at trying to get in bed with you before even buying a single drink, further trying to act as though they deserved a medal and a small parade for even glancing in your direction. But if were being honest- and I am not trying to toot my own horn or anything, any time me and my smaller friends go out I am usually the one who gets the most male attention. I mean its probably because I have huge boobs and really sweet dance moves but the fact remains that someone has got to tell these men that they are not the only ones interested in bigger girls and that treating them like some sort of purple elephant is NEVER going to work for them.

The Rockstar

So i know that I had previously mentioned that I was kind of seeing someone. Well that has ended. And now that that has ended I can tell you the story of my first date with the Rockstar. I was initially hesitant  to tell this story because I was actually sort of into him despite the initial signs that this would not become a great american love story.

We met on plenty of fish- he was really ridiculously good looking. He seemed nice enough and he was local so when he asked me if I wanted to meet him for drinks I agreed. The night we were supposed to go out there was a big snow storm- he wasn’t hearing anything about rescheduling and offered to pick me up since he had four wheel drive. Your girl isn’t about to get in any cars with any strangers summoned from the internet though so I sucked it up and drove myself to the bar during a blizzard. I have four wheel drive so it actually wasn’t that bad and I am being dramatic about driving in a snow storm. The bar we planned to meet at was closed so we met at the Chinese restaurant across the street. I was 10 minutes late- because its just who I am as a person and it was snowing. I got to the restaurant and it was basically just him and i and a couple of maitais things were going really well until he got up and went to the bathroom.

When he came back from the bathroom he was like a completely different person. He sits down at the bar and asks me if I want to go to his place or mine. I was like “together? bro this is a damn blizzard if either of us are going anywhere were going to our own homes alone” He continued aggressively trying to take me home and trying to make out with me in the middle of a chinese restaurant (romantic right). But the best part of the entire night was when he started talking about how great I was, and how any guy would be so lucky to have me. I was kinda uncomfortable with all that so I told him “maybe if you play your cards right it will be you” to which he replied “I’m a rock star…. I don’t play my cards right”.

I DIED. I didn’t know what to say. I was just like oh ok well I think I am probably just gonna go home then. The next day he still continued to text me as if he did not tell me he was a rock star who doesn’t play his cards right and my boss keeps telling me I am way to hard on the men I date so when he asked me out again I figured I would give him another shot. When we went out the second time he explained the whole rockstar thing to me. He said that hed gotten there early and when I was late he was nervous so he drank an entire maitai while he was waiting on me. Then when i got there he was more nervous so he drank another maitai so when he got up to go to the bathroom he was just drunk and thats where all the weirdness came from. Which if were being honest is totally understandable, I am a nervous over drinker as well and I once got to drunk and told my best friends husband that I can freestyle. I certainly cannot freestyle but the blackout drunk version of me thought I could and thought everyone should know about it, so realistically I cant fault him for that. Plus it was really funny and even though we aren’t seeing each other anymore it is still really funny.

I was actually kind of sad this ended. We had a lot of fun together and it had been so long since I had someone to just hang out with that I was really enjoying that, and he cooked me dinner which no one had ever done unless you count ramen noodles as cooking dinner. But he had a habit of making a lot of promises he couldn’t keep and he was incredibly flakey and after blowing me off three times over the course of two weeks and not making any attempt at rescheduling I decided to tell him that I was starting to feel very much like I was begging him to hang out with me and that was not something that I was interested in doing. I was nice about it, but I let him know that he was going to need to step up his game if he wanted to keep seeing me. He told me he was feeling rushed, which to me was a little surprising because he talked a lot about having a relationship with me, and made a lot of plans for things he wanted to do together and trips he wanted to take, and all I had really ever said to him about anything was that I wasn’t looking for a hookup and that if he didn’t think he wanted anything serious that I wasn’t the right girl for him. For mostly every thing else I was kind of just following his lead. But suddenly he was feeling rushed and didn’t know what he wanted so we decided we wouldn’t keep seeing each other.

It’s not that I’m impatient, or that I was trying to rush into anything. But if I have learned anything about dating its this- If a man wants you around he will make it a point to include you in his life and his plans, and if something bothers you right at the start of the relationship its never going to not bother you, and it will probably never change either. So as much as I liked him  it was probably better to cut my losses before I spent another four years with someone I had to beg to spend time with me. I am beginning to think I have some sort of dating curse. Like it seems like things go really well until I start telling friends and family that I’m seeing someone and then all of a sudden its all over. I mean its fine, because there’s a big part of me that was starting to feel like a trapped squirrel, but I would be lying if I said I wasn’t bummed about it ending. I am not entirely convinced I wont hear from him again. Not that it would change anything.  There are plenty of other fish in the sea….. or rockstars on pof….. or wherever I was going with that.

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Saint Gertrude of Nivelles… The Patron Saint of Cats.

I find it incredibly appropriate that March 17 is Saint Patricks Day as well as Saint Gertrudes day. Maybe its because I’m 1/2 Irish and almost every date I go on makes me want to get another cat (the count is at 3 right now- just so were clear).  Saint Patricks Day 2018 was a day that further solidified that maybe I should give up on men and continue on my path of Cat Ladydom.

In addition to a my full time job I also work part time in a bar that I’ve worked in since I was a teenager. Its an hour from where I  live now but I like working there because I know alot of the customers and I have been working there about 100 years so its comfortable, and without fail theres always something weird happening.

Last weekend I waited on a table of guys- and I am always super friendly and talktaive with my tables, partly because I’m friendly but mostly because I’m a waitress and it is literally my job to be nice to you. We wound up learning that one of the guys knew my little brother so we talked about that for a little while- the bar closed and I started heading home. I get a facebook friend request from one of the friendlier and better looking guys at the table. We had been joking earlier in the night about how bad we are at names so I decided to message him and comment on how proud I was of him for remembering mine. It was that moment where he unleashed his barrage of invitations for sex at his parents house (he was a college student about 22 years old home on break, and I am a grown ass woman who 1- doesnt sleep with customers and 2 doesnt sleep with boys in their moms basements) Here are some highlights “I’m not the kind of girl to come by at 130 in the morning- Good thing its 134 plus I came by your place all night so now its your turn” “Do you always try to booty call your waitresses? – No but I thought you were interested because we kept talking” and my personal favorite “if you ever wanna get dinner I am totally that kind of girl, I also make a great friend. – Well technically we already had dinner, I offered you cheesy bread- that is true I guess i better put out after all- yeah you should that was like a beautiful candle lit cheesy bread dinner”.

While all of this is happening a guy who had added me on facebook from tinder also started messaging me. I really need to stop letting the guys I’m trolling on tinder and POF add me on facebook/ snap chat/ follow me on instagram. It’s just getting to weird- I had let another guy add me on fb and he stumbled across my truelifetinder instagram page and now he wont stop sending me links to his facebook meme pages. THEY ARENT EVEN GOOD MEMES. I digress- so while this horny teenage boy is fb messaging me inviting me to his moms basement this guy that I let add me on FB starts sending me videos of him playing guitar.  No explanation at all just videos of him playing guitar and finally he says “this is just for you” I was just like oh…thank you? and starts going on and on about how he cant trust anyone other than his dog and how his dog is so scary and how he only talks to me because he wants to be my FWB but I wont let him be my FWB. At this point its like 330 in the morning at this point and I am getting a barrage of messages asking me if I want “DP” so I can see what i would get with “FWB” at this point I just stop responding because I have no idea what hes even talking about. I think I was just to tired at that point for it to register to me that “DP” meant dick pic.

Every day I am just one bad date or DM away from getting more cats. It occured to me last week that my only hobby is literally going on dates for free vodka and making fun of guys on the internet. So I have been valiantly searching for new hobbies for people who don’t have hobbies. So far Ghost Hunting, and Falconry are very strong possibilities for me. I actually have met one guy who I have been seeing for about a month so I have not actually been going on dates with anyone other than him.  But that is starting to slow down and I am starting to feel like we are at the end of that road- which is fine. He did warn me on our first date that he “is a rockstar and doesn’t play his cards right”. Which I guess would be what made him exactly my type. Maybe there will be more on this situation at a later date, but since I am sort of unsure where this path leads I don’t really want to say to much on that subject. So for now I will stick to sort of dating a rock star (I have been calling myself the future girlfriend of a rockstart, because lets face it he said something so ridiculous that he needs to be picked on for it for the rest of our time together”  and continuing to terrorize dudes on Tinder. I know I can still see other people but at the moment I just don’t have the energy to continue to go on 3 bad dates a week when I have a situation going thats sort of pretty ok maybe. So I don’t know whats gonna happen with that but maybe I’ll wind up getting myself a falcon and taking up falconry, or maybe I’ll volunteer at an animal shelter and take home a couple more cats. Maybe I can be the new patron saint of cats, its 2018 anything is possible.

Tinder Chronicles

Over the past two years I have been doing what every single girl in her late 20’s is doing. Deleting and re-downloading tinder. When I started I was just a bright eyed newly single girl who thought that maybe tinder and bumble would be a good avenue to meet that dream boat I had been searching for since I was old enough to know what a relationship was. I very quickly learned that that was not how this was going to go down. As a big girl in the dating scene you tend to run into a lot of really bizarre men, most of them treat you like your some sort of circus animal and that their attraction to you is something that you should be thankful for- when in all reality like sure I’m fat but I have a great job great apartment award winning personality and the best boobs this side of the city. My boobs were a huge source of attention which garnered me a ton of incredibly lame sex and incredibly creepy messages but not much else.

It took about a year but eventually I realized that I should be using my tinder powers better. I should be using them for free vodka instead of bad sex. And so for the last few months I have been averaging several dates a week. Some of them really good- some of them just ok- and some of them that left me thinking maybe I should just get another cat rather than go on another date. These are those stories.

My first weird date was with a guy who we’ll call the lion. He met me for hot chocolate at Dunkin donuts. Which I thought was weird because Dunkin donuts is not a great place to get to know someone and were both adults and while I usually try to avoid getting dinner on a first date drinks is usually a pretty good option. The first thing he does is comment on my lipstick- and ask if I always wear lipstick, which I thought was kind of a weird question. Then he asks if my (very obviously colored) hair color is my natural color and if I could “get the natural color back”. Ok- weird again. I start drinking hot chocolate and what happens next was a full on assault on dating as I knew it. He asks me if I drink coffee then tells me if he were to seriously date me I would have to stop drinking it as “drinking coffee is an addiction and he wont tolerate that” He tells me i would have to stop shaving, that I wear to much makeup (which I barely wear any), and that if i were to ever get pregnant I would absolutely have to have an abortion. He also tells me that hes a germaphobe and doesn’t kiss with tongue and asks me if I have ever had any cold sores because he wont kiss a girl with cold sores because that means they have herpes. I finally decide its time to get the hell out of there so I politely tell him I’m tired and ready to go home. He walks me to my car and tells me that he “really wants to kiss me but I’m wearing lipstick and he doesn’t like the way that feels when it gets on him”. I left the date feeling like I had dodged a massive bullet and figured I probably wouldn’t hear from him again. But I heard from him the next day, and then again two days later and eventually I had to tell him that I didn’t think things were going to work between us. As expected that was not well received.

But these are probably not the weirdest things that have happened to me on a date. I give everyone a chance as long as they don’t seem like they are going to murder me and dump my body in a dumpster- which if were being honest- if that were to happen would get me out of paying back the 20g worth of student loan debt I have so it may not even be the worse case scenario. I accept every date even if they aren’t exactly my type because if were being totally honest my type has never worked out for me this far so I figure it doesn’t hurt to see whats out there.

Enter the guy I went out with last Sunday. He was a tinder match who followed me over to plenty of fish, he is a fish i should have thrown back before I even reeled him in. He seemed really weird like really really weird, but he lived in my home town and after a day of intense Sunday funday action we found ourselves less than a mile apart and I figured why not give him a shot. It was like a slow car crash. He told me he didn’t drive any needed me to pick him up- which for my hometown is really weird because there is zero public transportation-but then I realized that people make mistakes and a DUI is way more common than you think so I try not to be judgmental so I agreed to pick him up. I usually try to go on dates to bars and restaurants where I know people just in case things go south so we went to the bar I work at on weekends. He tells me he never got his drivers license because his parents got divorced when he was a kid and because of 9/11. I thought maybe he knew someone or something but no- he was no more affected by it than I was but somehow some way it prevented him from getting his drivers license. I felt the look on my face when he said it and knew I had to get out of there. My coworkers were texting me asking me if I needed them to help me get out. The check came and he tells me he only brought 10$ so I wound up paying most of the bill. Which was a small fee to end the night quickly. I did genuinely feel bad because he was nice enough aside from the fact that he was totally weird.

Now i know what your thinking- neither of these dates involve me getting free vodka, but fear not there have been plenty of other dates where I got a ton of free vodka but most of those dates were pretty decent and therefore not worth talking about.