Jailhouse rock

Second biggest fear: I settle for someone not right for me, just so I don’t end up dying alone with a bunch of cats.

First biggest fear: I die alone with a bunch of cats.

However, after my last date (if you can even call it that), getting 75 cats and dying alone looks pretty good.

I’ve known the guy for a while; I met him a couple years ago when I ran into a mutual friend who was having drinks with him. We hit it off from the start from what I can remember, but he had just had a baby, and things weren’t going well with his baby momma, etc. It didn’t go anywhere beyond some Facebook comments here and there.

After him and the kid’s mom broke up, our mutual friend tried to set us up. He was a good looking guy, and I liked his personality, so I agreed. He seemed hesitant though, so I didn’t push it, and eventually just gave up.

After I got laid off, I had an abundance of free time, which I wasn’t used to having. One day, I was pretty bored and decided to message him on Facebook to see if he wanted to meet for drinks. He told me he would message me in a couple hours and let me know. I took it as a no, and went to the nearest Whole Foods to drink $4 rose.

He did end up messaging me a couple hours later, to my surprise, asking where I wanted to meet. I chose a place halfway between where we both live. I’m not really sure what I was expecting to happen that night, but it definitely it wasn’t what I got.

I arrived a little early, and sat at the bar to grab a drink while I waited. When he did arrive, we exchanged pleasantries and I asked how he’d been.

“Not good.” He said.

Guys, I don’t care how bad things are. You never tell a girl you’re going out with for the first time that things aren’t good. I’m not really good with other people’s emotions.

I was hoping he’d stop there, but he didn’t.

“I just got out of jail on Monday.” He added.

I started scouting the emergency exits.

“My ex got a restraining order, and I just couldn’t leave the bitch alone so she put me in jail for 25 days.”

What the fu-

It was like a bomb that just kept exploding. I should’ve left after he admitted to being a stalker, but to be honest I didn’t wanna do anything that was gonna set him off so I stayed.

I thought we would have one drink and call it a night. Homeboy made one beer last three hours. The entire time talking about how women are to blame for men having anger management issues, and that every guy he met in jail was there because of a woman.

Meanwhile, I’m just mainlining vodka hoping the night ends soon.

He finally finished half of his beer and decided he was done. I thought I was in the home stretch. Then he decides he wants to go for a walk. I suggest going just outside the bar (still in full view of the bartender).

We get outside the bar and he suddenly hugs me.

“I feel like you don’t wanna hug me.” He says. I tell him I’m just not a hugger, which is half true. But I was also internally screaming, “Yeah obviously I don’t wanna hug you you nut job.”

It lasted another hour after that. He whined the entire time, partially about how terrible women are, and partially about how many mosquitoes there were outside. Outside, where he insisted we go instead of staying in the bar….or just going home.

Finally, we said goodbye and he kissed me.

It was painful. Not physically, but painful as in it was clear that neither of us wanted it to happen. But it was happening, and it was super forced and super awkward.

We said we’d keep in touch. I blocked him on every possible social media avenue possible as soon as I got home.

I need to stop letting my friends play matchmaker.

Confessions of a Domestic Failure

I am really bad at being an adult- Like I really aspire to be one of those women who drink Kale and eats organic and does yoga and has well-behaved dogs and has a spotless apartment, or at the very least can keep a plant alive. I’ve tried- I really have, but my reality is more like- I spent $70 on groceries I don’t know how to cook, set the fire alarm off in my apartment building making toast, and I have to muzzle my dogs and take them on separate walks because one of my dogs tried to knock my neighbor over and steal the socks off his feet when we were coming out of the elevator, and the other dog won’t stop trying to eat her brother. I am basically the embodiment of a Pinterest fail. I’m lucky if I left the house and remembered to put my shirt on. As I write this I’m staring deep into the eyes of a pile of laundry I am putting off doing knowing damn well that I had to buy socks to wear today because I was completely out of clean ones. I should be cleaning because my mom is coming to stay with me,(who took this video of me cleaning my apartment? )and I know if I don’t she will. Which is great because she does a much better job than I ever could, but I’ll never be able to find anything ever again.

I can’t cook- like at all. I used to think I could cook but after a couple of years of eating what can only be described as prison food and multiple visits from the fire department, I charliehad to face the reality that much like that time I went to hairdressing school, me and the kitchen were not a match made in heaven. I am really good at wine, and I can load a mean dishwasher but when it comes to cooking dinner I think I top out at heating up a frozen pizza. I did try blue apron for a while, but cooking one blue apron meal took every pan in my kitchen and three days to clean up after and I don’t know about you but I just don’t have that kind of time. Not to mention it was costing me a small fortune. $60 just on three meals and you still have to eat for the rest of the week and I eat more than one meal a day, and while these three meals were giving me three days of lunch and dinner, I wound up spending like over $120 per week on food for just me (not including cheese) which is double my normal budget. Plus everything had Kale in it (Kale is a great source of nutrition but let’s be real it doesn’t belong in every meal), and if you found something you really liked you can never make it again because you can’t find half the ingredients in the grocery store. I also tried a lot of recipes from Pinterest which were usually a disaster. I had so many dinner failures from Pinterest recipes that I was starting to think the problem was Pinterest and not me. Here is one recipe that I have had really good luck with.

I moved to this city a year ago to advance my career. I really love it here, because I’ve always dreamed of living in a place where I can get breakfast delivered. Moving here that dream a reality. Sure- I haven’t actually done it, because why would I spend $20 to get pancakes delivered when I can just make them at home, but I am really attached to having the option. You can pretty much get anything delivered here- Laundry, groceries, tinder guys,- it’s probably my favorite part of being here, but I am kind of bored. I have been trying really hard to find some sort of hobby that doesn’t involve tinder, vodka, or cheese.

I never really had time for hobbies because I was lolaalways taking care of grown ass man babies, or in school, or working a million hours so this is a like a whole new world for me. I’m kinda like Aladdin except instead of falling in love with a princess I just have a lot of free time that I’m not used to having.  I used to do yoga so I thought about going back because it was a healthy and productive thing to do with my spare time, plus I felt really amazing and was in really good shape when I was doing it.  The problem is most classes are catered to people who don’t work 9-5 Monday- Friday so it has been tough to find a class that fits into my schedule, and since my version of “doing yoga” is rolling around on the ground and swearing at someone under my breath for an hour and 15 minutes twice a week I am not sure I want to part with the $30 a week which could be spent on vodka.

A few months after I moved here I watched my moms dog for about a week and noticed what a difference in my dog’s behavior having another dog around made. I thought maybe the reason Charlie was so stressed all the time was because he needed a friend that wasn’t a cat. I decided to adopt another dog. I got the ok from my landlord and was set up with a rescue by a friend. The rescue only had one small dog- she was blind and I was hesitant to take on a special needs dog because I wasn’t sure I was going to be able to give her a good home because I had no experience with anything even remotely close to caring for a dog like her. I agreed to at least foster her, in retrospect I knew she was coming home to stay. It has been a struggle. I was prepared for it to be hard, but its hard in ways I was not prepared for. Her blindness is the least of her issues, but no matter how hard things get with her she is still the best thing I have ever done. Taking home a dog like Lola has taught me a lot about patience and has shown me an entirely different meaning of love. Sure- my two dogs are not the worlds greatest friends like I had hoped they would be, but bringing her home has brought an entirely new dynamic to our fur family.

So my dogs don’t like each other and I can’t cook and my house usually looks worse after I’ve cleaned it than it did before I cleaned it. But my rents always paid (I mean it’s late but its still paid) and I have managed to keep five animals alive (no plants but the pets are good). I always feel like everyone around me is just crushing life and I am just out here spending money like I’m a Kardashian, barely wearing pants, living off of $4 champagne, cheese and too much vodka, and tripping over things while getting constantly barraged with dick pics- but I feel like I am not the only one out here living her best life but like her best life is just kind of a little bit of a disaster.