Keep it to yourself

I’ll be honest on my first date with the guy who dumped me I had another date set up with a different guy for later that night. In my defense, 80% of guys that ask me on dates don’t actually follow through with the date and even if he did follow through I figured it would go like most of my other dates, just fine and we never talk again. I didn’t expect the date to be so good and I instantly like this guy, after our date I made so many jokes to my friends about how I had finally me the one that Facebook started constantly showing me engagement ring advertisements.

Obviously, I canceled the second date, well not really canceled I had told the other guy I had plans earlier in the day and that if I ended up free later I would meet up with him. Because things were going so well on my date I just let him know I wouldn’t be free and would meet up with him another time. I figured that would be the last time I heard from him but he continued texting me here and there and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I had met someone else and he never did ask me to meet up again so I figured maybe we could’ve just been friends, but after I got dumped he ended up asking to meet for drinks again and we all know the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else so I decided to go. I honestly didn’t have much else going on and I’ve been feeling super bummed out lately (for reasons other than that guy) so I wanted to get out of the house.

I met him at this bar that is sort of halfway between where we both live. I have brought three other dates to this bar and all of them where bad, I am beginning to think the bar is cursed or something but its cheap and quiet and I know the bartenders well enough to know that they probably wouldn’t let a guy murder me and stick me in a dumpster, but this bar has some serious bad date juju. I’m about to take some sage over there and do some cleansing.

I get to the bar and we start talking he’s nice enough but he talks way too much about his parents, not in a way that he’s close to his parents but almost in a way that he wants to make sure that I know his parents have money. Then he starts talking about his dad and how he used to be a “really fit hockey player but he had kids and gave up and got super fat” First off this guy himself was chunky, there is nothing wrong with being chunky but he definitely didn’t have any business talking about someone else’s weight. Also, I was sitting there and couldn’t help but think to myself “this guy realizes I’m fat right? Like he must know? He’s gotta realize what a dick he sounds like right now”.

Other than that he seemed fine so I stayed for another drink. he then admits that he had run a background check on me before we met up that had helped him find my standup which he had enjoyed. Guys, I know I do my fair share of research before meeting up with them but I would never tell the person I am on a first date with that I had done it and a full-fledged background check seems a bit extreme and invasive. That was about the point I had decided I probably wasn’t going to see him again, or do anything else with him for that matter.

I get up to go to the bathroom and while I’m in the bathroom he pays the tab. I offer to give him cash for my portion (I always offer to pay my half of dates) and he declines and lets me know that he should be heading home, I agree and tell that I’m getting tired and he responds with “yeah it’s probably all that vodka you drank”. I almost lost my shit guys, If I wanted someone to judge me about my drinking I would have gone out with my mother. Plus we literally both drank the same amount, he had three beers and I had three vodka sodas and I offered to buy my own drinks. I could maybe understand if I had gone on this date got loaded and expected him to buy all my drinks but that didn’t happen. He didn’t kiss me but said he wanted to do this again, though thankfully I haven’t heard from him since the date.

Brush your shoulders off

I’m not sure if this is the best or the worst thing about me, but I always push things as far as I possibly can. So last week when I got yet another message from a guy asking me if he could be my sugar daddy I responded the same way I responded to the other 750 guys who send me messages asking me to pay me for sex, I gave him my venmo and told him to put his money where his mouth was and send me something to prove he was serious.

I never expect anyone to actually send me money. I figured he would do what every other guy has done and disappear or tell me to go fuck myself. Instead, this guy paid me $25. It wasn’t a ton of money but it was the most money anyone has ever given me for no reason and it was enough to pay my bar tab that night so I was thrilled. Totally confused, but thrilled.

After he sent me the money he started asking me for pictures. Obviously, I’m not into that and even if I was my nudes are worth way more than $25 so there was no chance I was gonna send him anything. He wanted to know what he was going to get for his money, I let him know that he was getting an opportunity to “interview for the sugar daddy position”. I figured that was going to be the last time I ever heard from him but I guess that was a satisfying enough response because he asked me if I wanted to get drinks the following week.

I probably shouldn’t have agreed to meet him, but to be honest, I wasn’t totally sure if he was actually that much of a creep or if he didn’t just send me the money to call my bluff.  If that was the case I was kinda into it, but I figured at the very least if we actually did meet for drinks it was probably going to be hilariously weird, and its not like I would’ve had much else to do, and it was a public place so really the worst thing that was gonna happen was that he was actually a total creep.

We were supposed to meet for drinks Monday night. I asked him if we were going to discuss my allowance on our date. I was mostly kidding but apparently, he wasn’t because homeboy actually started discussing how much money he was willing to give me every week and what he was going to expect from me in return.

It was super weird especially since what he wanted were really vanilla things that most women do for free, and he was a good looking guy so there really was no reason he should even NEED to pay for sex. I guess it’s just his kink, to each their own I guess. He started asking me to send him pictures, and once again I decided to see how far I could push things, so I told him I was going to need some sort of deposit on the sugar daddy arrangement in order to send him anything.

I seriously thought he was finally going to tell me to go fuck myself or something but instead, he started negotiating a price for me to send him pictures of my boobs. I told him I wanted $250, at this point, I just wanted to see how much I could get out of him before he unmatched me. I didn’t think he would actually seriously negotiate a price for a picture of my boobs, but we wound up settling on $150 for a picture on snapchat with no face and I wanted the money first because ” this wasn’t mamas first rodeo” (it totally was my first rodeo).

I basically shit my pants when he actually added me on snapchat and then venmoed me the full $150. He drove a hard bargain but one thing he missed during the negotiation process was the clause that said they had to be naked boobs. He must’ve been super surprised when he opened his snap chat the next day and found a picture of my boobs, completely covered by my t-shirt.

Probably not what he was expecting, but sometimes, when you play stupid games you win stupid prizes and I became $175 richer for doing absolutely nothing.  Naturally, I haven’t heard from him since and as expected he blew off our date  which isn’t really much of a tragedy, his venmo featured his full first and last name, which I looked up on facebook along with the city he told me lived in which is where I found all the pictures of his girlfriend. So not only is he a creep trying to pay girls money for sex he’s also cheating on someone so, to be honest maybe I was a little bit of a scumbag taking money from him but in the end, he did kind of get what he deserved.