Pen Pals

One of the worst things about online dating, or I guess dating in general is this weird ass group of men who only want to sext you and exchange pictures. Like I don’t know about anyone else but I didn’t join tinder to find a pen pal. If I wanted one of those I would just write to someone in prison, they definitely need it more than your ass (probably) sitting in your mom’s basement fighting with 12 year olds on Xbox live (I’m not sure that’s even a thing anymore?), and it would probably be considerably less effort than having to talk to most of these guys.

These guys come in many different shapes and sizes. First there’s the ever-present “send a pic hun” guy. Something about a guy calling me hun literally makes me gag but that’s a me 1different thing entirely. They aren’t even necessarily asking for nudes, most of them just want you to send them a bunch of selfies.  First off -I am not a selfie person, not to say I don’t think I look damn good, I just don’t think I need to have 700 pictures of myself on my phone, I know what I look like and you messaged me on my internet dating profile which has like six pictures of me which means you also know what I look like. These guys usually do this at like 7 o’clock in the morning before  I have barely had my coffee. I think it’s because they think most women aren’t awake enough to reject them.  I will usually tell them I’m not into that or that I don’t really have any pictures to send. Then they want you to take one. Bro it is 7am, I have barely had my coffee and even if I didn’t think this whole exchanging pics thing was weird af I would not be starting any photo shoots to send you pics so you can jerk off to them later- sorry. If they really push it I do have a decent amount of super unflattering photos that I will send. Especially if they ask for something “sexy”. Sure- heres this picture of me eating cake in a sombrero… enjoy.

Then there’s the sneak attack selfie guy. It starts off as a fairly normal conversation and then all of a sudden you get some weird ass super unflattering way to up close picture of his face. And it always happens at like the weirdest times. One minute we’re talking about our plans for the weekend and the next thing you know you get the weirdest possibly worse picture someone has ever taken of themselves. I think they’re expecting me to say they look hot or something but it’s so awkward so I usually respond with something along the lines of “thanks for your face I guess” hoping they’ll feel as awkward as I do, or I’ll try to ignore it and hope it goes away. It never goes away, they usually follow it up by sending three more variations of the same picture (for good measure I guess) or ask”what did you think”. Like to be honest I think you should probably run these by a female friend before sending them to any potential women you might be interested in so they can tell you how fucking weird it is- but that feels mean and I’m not mean so “thanks for your face” it is. Like I have flat-out told men how weird and creepy I think it is and 10 seconds later I get a barrage of pictures, and when you don’t respond in a way that’s satisfying they get all mad because “clearly you’re not into this”- as if you didn’t just tell them you weren’t into four minutes before they decided to send it to you.

If they aren’t sending you  bad inappropriately timed selfies and begging for pictures they’re sending you dick pic. I would love to find just one woman who is really into the dick pic. Like unless your dick is covered in glitter I probably don’t want to see it. YannoDick pics what I do wanna see pictures of? Your dog- send me a dog pic that’s what really impresses me. I have  gotten so many dick pics since I got on tinder that I started responding to them with pictures of better looking dicks. Like originally I was responding to them with pictures of my cat (yanno- here’s a picture of my pussy) but then I got the idea to respond with pictures of better looking dicks and it was the smartest thing I’ve ever done. My favorite part is like you send them a dick pic in response to a dick pic and these guys so confused they are always like “why do I need this?”- well why did you think I need yours? Like we were just talking about the weather and now I have this picture of your dick looking like a shar pei, I didn’t ask for that. Now we both have a picture of something we didn’t need- you’re welcome. I really want to know how they think it’s gonna go down when they send something like that. Do they think theirs is like the first one I’ve ever seen? I have news for you- your girl has seen quite a few dicks in her day and if you’ve seen one you’ve seen them all. They also seem to always want naked pictures of you. I have had several guys even go as far as offering me money for nudes. The other day I had a guy offer me $100 for nudes (including a picture of my asshole….who the hell is even capable of doing that? I am dying to know) and $200 for sex (which seems like an unfair trade considering he was offering $100 for a “spread” of pictures). I told him that seemed pretty hookery, and he told me I was “only a hooker if I do it all the time”. Solid logic I guess. Like yeah guys I have pretty amazing boobs but you can’t just go around showing strange men all the amazing things about yourself without making them work for it at least a little.

Last- my least favorite, are the sexters. These guys don’t even want to pretend they give a shit about how your day went. You barely even get a hello out and all of a sudden its like your under attack. I am totally not a prude either, like in the right situation I can get totally down with the dirty pictures and the dirty text messages- but not with some guy I just started talking to four minutes ago. No random guy has ever initiated a dirty conversation with me and I’ve just been like damn this is so great I hope this continues. These are the guys who always want to talk about what a huge dick they have too. I am a firm believer that it’s not the size of the ship its the motion of the ocean but have you ever noticed that no matter how many guys you talk to they all have 8+ inch dicks. And even with photographic proof of their four-inch wonder they still wanna act like its gonna be the biggest thing you’ve. Listen bro I have seen a measuring tape a few times in my day and I can tell the difference between a 5 inches and 8 inches, you aren’t fooling anyone except yourself buddy.

There are so many guys out there who are incapable of carrying on a normal conversation. God forbid they don’t get the response they want then they start getting hostile. If you don’t ohh and ahh over their weird selfie or the dick pic you never asked for all of a sudden your fat and ugly and unworthy of their shrivel dick in the first place.  Like I’m fat but you’re the fucking weirdo who can’t step out from behind your cell phone to get to know a girl before you start acting like a sexual predator. Like nobody asked for this? I thought we were going to have a friendly conversation about our likes and dislikes but all of a sudden you’re having a tantrum because you aren’t getting enough attention in the middle of a work day.

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I’m not going to meet my husband on tinder, or POF, or OkCupid- or any of those other websites for that matter. I mean- I wouldn’t be against it, and I wouldn’t shut down the possibility of a real relationship, but lets be real tinder and all those other dating aps are meant specifically for hookups. It’s just that I spent so much time over the past two years getting lame dick when I could have been asleep that I really don’t have the patience for it anymore. For real most of these guys couldn’t achieve a female orgasm if we came with an instructional video and a map. It got incredibly boring, and since I haven’t lived in this city very long and haven’t managed to make many friends  I started getting kind of lonely. After my 957th lame hookup I deleted the ap, but after a breif hiatus I got bored again- this time for different reasons so I decided to re download  and approach tinder differently, and actually date- something I have never done.

Since ending my hoe phase I’ve probably been going on 3-5 dates a week. Most of them were ok, just not people I wanted to see again (example: a 28 year old man still living at home because he “didn’t feel like paying bills”) or maybe the timing was off, or the initial date was great but the guy wound up being a huge flake.

Flakiness is one of my biggest pet peeves, seriously there’s  nothing worse than a guy who starts out really good but then can’t follow through with anything after the first date. Like I am a pretty understanding girl and I get that things come up but if you just blatantly bail on me or  frequently cancel or reschedule at the last possible minute I am not going to keep seeing you- no one is that busy that they can’t have common decency, if your that guy then really your just kind of a dick.

thumbnail (1)I also can’t stand guys who think that just because they spend an hour with you or buy you a couple drinks that they are entitled to sex. I got a message from a 33 year old man a couple weeks ago which was basically an overly worded version of him telling me that he would like to take me on a date but if he were to take me on a date he would expect some sort of sexual compensation – for example a hand job- to prove that I wasn’t just using him for free drinks or as a time filler. Yes- you did read that- a grown ass man asked for a middle school hand job in order to take me on a date. Like no thanks bro, I can buy my own drinks.

I want to preface this by saying that I’m not a paranoid person, but I also don’t want a CSI episode written based on my untimely death, and there’s only so many times I could’ve borrowed my neighbors stun gun before she started to question what I was really doing three to five nights a week that required a stun gun. And since I am literally summoning men from the internet to meet me in bars there is no guarantee that I won’t wind up in a dumpster so you really can’t be to careful because you just don’t know what your going to run into.

I once had to have the police tell a tinder guy to stop harassing me  (he literally sent 500drink-e1524011504368.jpg texts in one day and when i blocked his number he called me 65 times from a private number and left a bunch of crazy voicemails) so now I always make sure I share my location with a couple of people and for the most part I try to bring all first dates to the same two restaurants. One is a pricier restaurant that I really enjoy- where I sort of know a bartender well enough that he  would notice if something was wrong. I really only bring guys there if I feel like they would enjoy the experience and if I have enough cash in my budget to go halves because it is on the expensive side and I wouldn’t feel right going there with the expectation that he would pay for a 100$ meal for a girl he barely knows, isn’t going to get laid by, and chances are will only maybe see one or two more times before things fizzle out. The other bar is a more casual place with 5$ cocktails and a huge beer selection – cheap enough where I don’t mind paying for my own drinks if I have to and my friends boyfriend is a bartender there. I also feel like I have frequented that bar enough over the past year that people working there would probably notice if something was going terribly wrong, plus they have the best nachos in the city.

So with all those dates I figured someone had to have noticed that I am there usually sitting in exactly the same bar stool with  several different guys a week. I was actually starting to feel a little insecure about it, so much so that I had recently posted on facebook “how many dates can I bring to the same bar before the staff starts to notice- asking for a friend”. Most people figured they probably had noticed by now, but I got the real answer last weekend at my birthday party. I don’t care that I’m almost 30 I celebrate my birthday for pretty much an entire week.

I started my birthday weekend by getting wine and cheese and chocolate at that niceish restaurant that I bring some of my dates to with one of my friends from home. We got pretty friendly with our waiter and talked about some of our dating experiences. The next night a bunch of us went bowling and then out to the bars after. A couple of the waitstaff at the bar I bring most of my dates to were there and since my friend knew just about everyone  we started talking to them and I jokingly asked if they had noticed yet how many different dates i take to that restaurant. They do, and they eavesdrop and pretty much take bets (fair) and make sure the guy I’m with isn’t going to murder me, and for the most part they all think I can do much better than some of the guys I’ve been out with. I also ran into my waiter from the previous night who remembered me and my friend (first and last names) and gave me a code word to use to let him know if I was ever in trouble on a date, so that he could help me get out of it.

To be honest, these are the most comforting things anyone’s ever told me. It’s not that I don’t believe I can do better than most of the guys I’ve been going out with, but in a world that thinks you should settle because its better than being alone and I’m not getting any younger its nice to hear that, because as a person who did settle for 10 years for treated worse than shit by the men I was with because she had low self-esteem. I know for a fact that settling is not worse than being alone. That being alone and being alone is significantly better than being alone and being with someone. So its nice to hear that strangers think I can do better than most of these tinder idiots who for the most part are only slightly less lazy than the guys I spent the last two years just hooking up with because at the very least they will take a girl on a proper date before expecting to get laid.  But the most comforting part of all of it is knowing that despite the fact that I am at least an hour away from most of my friends and family there are still people out there who would notice and step in if something was going on wrong. It made me feel not quite so alone in a city where for the past year- even though I have been having alot of fun- I have felt pretty lonely and that was probably the best birthday gift that I got this year.