Friend Zone

So I guess you could say I friend zoned one of my guy friends and things have been super weird since it happened. We were never dating, aside from a little flirtation he never expressed any interest in me beyond friendship but lately, things have reached a really weird gray area which has made me really need to define our friendship to him, and to myself.

Since moving out here I have made like two friends, not for lack of trying but my last job (and my constant depression from working a job that made me miserable) made it really difficult to make friends. Since I left the hotel I have kept in touch with about two people one of which was this guy who I had kind of had a thing for when we worked together. It was always flirtatious but at the time he had a girlfriend and we worked together so even if he didn’t have a girlfriend sleeping with a coworker was a mistake I really only needed to make once.

When I was let go from the hotel he started texting me all the time but usually, it was to talk to me about issues with his ex or other girls he was interested in which kinda bummed me out initially but the more we talked the less romantically into him I was. Eventually, we decided to meet for breakfast. He has a son so his kid went with us. Normally I wouldn’t be ok with meeting someone’s kid so soon but since it was just a friendly thing I figured it wasn’t a huge deal.

When we met for breakfast I was pretty much still in my pajamas, but he was actually dressed up which I thought was kind of weird because this is a guy who normally wears old band ts and ripped jeans but he actually looked kinda nice. I was starting to wonder if maybe I had misjudged the friendship thing and I was once again on a date I didn’t intend to be on but I decided I was gonna try not to overthink anything and just enjoy my pancakes.

After we ate breakfast we decided to take his son somewhere so he could play. That was when things got kind of weird, it started to feel more like we were a happy family enjoying a day off together and not like just a couple friends watching their friends kid play in a park. He ended up kissing me that day but we never talked about it after that, it kinda was almost like it never happened and I didn’t want to be the one to bring it up so I just let it go.

Honestly, I was relieved we didn’t talk about it. The more time we spent together the more I realized that he is the embodiment of all the things I don’t want in a partner. If I had ended up dating him he would have been another partner that I was gonna have to parent and that’s the last thing I need. Plus at that point, I had started to more seriously consider making a move so getting involved in a new relationship especially with someone who had a child wasn’t the right choice for me.

Even though we never talked about that weird day in the park it seemed like the dynamic of our friendship changed. Suddenly It felt like he was always judging me for things I would do or getting jealous when I would talk about going out with other people. He always started having a lot of expectations of me that went beyond the realm of friendship. For a while, I tried to be supportive because I know he has a lot of things going on right now but the more I was giving to the friendship the more demanding he was getting. Before I left for Florida we had a giant fight. Honestly, I had planned to just never talk to him again but he claimed that he was sorry and wasn’t going to talk to me the way he did during the argument again so I decided to just let it go. I was leaving anyway so in a few months an argument isn’t going to matter.

I tried to just let it go but more and more our friendship has been feeling less like a friendship and more like we are a couple who desperately needs to break up. Most recently we had an argument that lasted three days because he was mad that I went to meet up with a guy late night but whenever he asks me to meet up with him I tell him no, or that I’m too tired. Which is true, I do tell him no but the reason for that is because of his current living situation. Currently, he is staying with his ex’s mother and even though our friendship (as far as I’m concerned) is strictly friendly it would be inappropriate for me to go over there especially late at night, and I have told him this many times, not that I really should have to give someone an explanation for why I don’t want to hang out with them after midnight.

I have tried to talk to him about how weird and jealous he’s been acting lately but he always avoids the conversation. At this point, I wouldn’t even give a relationship with him consideration but it would be nice to know if I needed to change the way I approach our friendship. I don’t want to lose him as my friend but it’s getting to a point where it’s frustrating because I don’t feel like I can talk to him about anything anymore and there is no point in being friends with someone when you can’t talk to them about anything.

Guys have been complaining about being friend zoned since the beginning of time but, to be honest, most of the time at least in my experience they’ve friend zoned themselves. I can’t even tell you the number of messages I get from men who want to “start as friends and see where things go” then act surprised that things never went beyond a friendship. Like if you tell me you want to be my friend you can expect that you are gonna be my friend and only my friend. I am not a mind reader and I am not going to beg anyone to talk to me about their feelings so if you aren’t clear about your intentions how can you expect someone to know what your feeling?

I have had plenty of guy friends who I have developed feelings beyond friendship for but I have always made it a point to be honest with them about those feelings so that if they aren’t reciprocated I can remove myself from the situation rather than sit there and have to watch them be in another relationship. It is perfectly ok to decide you can’t be in someone’s life if they don’t have the same feelings for you that you do for them. You are never obligated to continue a friendship with someone, but if you have had that discussion and decide to continue to be friends with this person in the hopes that they are eventually going to change their mind than the fact that you’ve been fried zoned is on you.  Making friends as an adult is hard enough I don’t know why we’re all making it harder on ourselves by not being upfront about our feelings.

Your Body is a Wonderland

Yesterday, a grown ass woman tried to argue with me that a fat chick is every man’s biggest online dating fear.

I’m not sure what her experience was, either with being fat or dating someone fat (maybe even both), but her statement is false. There is nothing wrong with being fat. Despite the popular narrative that fat people are disgusting and unhealthy, most of us are generally healthy, good-looking, and desirable people.

I will be the first to admit I spend more time on dating apps than the average bear. At this point, Tinder-ing has become a fun hobby rather than a serious attempt at finding a partner. IMG_5223On any dating app I use, I am always upfront about my body. I don’t hide my body with angles or contouring, or whatever other shit magazines tell you to do to give the illusion of a perfect ass.

My pictures are un-altered: full body and displaying all my so-called “flaws” in all their glory. No one should ever say they were surprised by what I look like in person; any man that chooses to talk to me is fully aware of what I look like. I have over 5,000 tinder matches (a number that grows daily), and I easily get 50 messages a week on various dating apps. All from men who are fully aware of my appearance, and are still interested in getting to know me, or know my body.

Of course, you can argue that guys will put their dicks in any available hole given the chance. But this is 2018, and it’s honestly not really that hard to get laid. There really isn’t a reason to have sex with someone you aren’t physically attracted to, even if it’s just a one time deal.

I’ve had a lot of casual sex. Guaranteed it has never been with anyone I didn’t find good looking.

Are there men out there with “please don’t be fat” in their profiles? Definitely, but only a handful of them a most. I think in two years, I’ve maybe seen, like, 5 of these profiles.

Who wants to date a guy like that anyways? He could be the hottest guy in the world, but if that’s the first thing he’s worried about, you’re going to have bigger issues in your relationship. Do you really want to  have to worry that your no longer attractive to your husband if you can’t get that baby weight off after a pregnancy, on top of everything else you’re probably worrying about? Nah, I think I’ll pass.

Bodies change. No one is going to stay the same weight the rest of their lives. Also, in most cases you can tell someone is overweight from their photos. Just swipe left if that’s not your thing.

The only time my body is ever discussed in a negative manner, is when I’ve rejected a guy. I’m told I’m “too fat” to reject them.

This is an unoriginal, immature attempt by a little boy who didn’t hear the word “no” enough while growing up. He tries to make you feel bad about yourself, because you rejecting them made them feel bad about themselves.

Of course, they are gonna call you fat. But I’ve also seen men call thinner women fat for rejecting them too. Its nothing more than a last minute scramble to find something that will hurt your feelings. These are small men, and the opinions of small men don’t matter.

There are also guys out there who will turn their attraction to bigger girls into some creepy fetish thing. But in my experience, for every one of those guys there are two normal dudes who just think I’m as attractive as I am. Plus fat or not, there are men who will literally turn anything into a fetish. In fact, recently a guy told me he had a fetish for getting kicked in the balls. I don’t think he was kidding.

Like many, I struggled with the way I looked. For a long time, I thought a fat girl was a guy’s online dating nightmare, or that no one was gonna want to be friends with the fat girl. I spent a long-ass time in my life letting myself be trapped in bad relationships and friendships because I thought that being fat made me less worthy of finding people that legitimately cared about me. I allowed people to treat me like shit, because I felt that I needed to settle for what I could get or I was gonna end up alone.

I blamed a lot of things in life on my weight, but one day I realized that I was allowing my weight to dictate way too many things in my life. I am actually dope as shit and I deserve way more than I was getting.

I realized that my body wasn’t what caused my issues with men, it was the way I saw myself. It was the things I accepted, and the ways I allowed myself to be treated by others. It was not only my biggest issue with men, it was honestly my biggest issue in life in general.

If you take nothing else away from this post, just know that no matter what you look like there is going to be someone who is going to like you for you. You should never feel like you should have to change anything about yourself, or sacrifice something you really want in life for a partner (i.e. marriage, children, cake). If we learned nothing from Steve and Terri Irwin, we learned that no matter who you are or what you’re into, there is someone out there for you.

No matter what you look like, you are still you. The most powerful thing you can do for yourself is to learn to like yourself for the person you are.

New Rules

Over the last year, I have gone on a lot of dates. A lot is an understatement, I have gone on an average of three first dates a week. I’m honestly not looking for anything, I don’t think I ever was, sure it would be nice to meet someone but if I don’t meet someone I’m not gonna die. I don’t need a man, sure men are nice to have but men are like dessert you don’t need them to live. I had never really been on dates before, sure I had relationships but we never actually dated we were just friends with benefits that went on for entirely too long and went entirely too far. When I started going on so many dates I was really just looking for someone to hang out with for a  couple hours, bonus if it turned into anything more.

I didn’t (and still don’t) have many friends out here and making friends really isn’t my area of expertise, I’m super awkward and I make way too many dick jokes plus I got married at like 19 and divorced at like 23 so I really don’t have much in common with women my age. I was bored, and oddly enough at this point in my life tinder was the best way to meet people. Since I started this my dating life has become the topic of conversation among many people in my life, some who are living vicariously but most just want to know how I get so many dates, why and how do I handle all the disappointment of constantly going on dates that lead to nowhere.

The answers are simple- why? Because I’m bored, what are my options? Sit in the house and hang out with my dogs or go to bars by myself and spend money I don’t have to still have no one to talk to? Sounds lame. It costs nothing (except for maybe my drinks) to go out and meet someone. Maybe we go out and hit it off and start a relationship, maybe we decide that a relationship wouldn’t work but we could be friends, or maybe the date is hilariously bad and I end up with a funny story to tell later. All seem like way better options than talking to my dogs and drinking alone.

It’s not hard to find a date. I am not picky about who I go on dates with, but that doesn’t mean I’m desperate. I learned a long time ago that “my type” wasn’t working out for me, and I had dated idiots for so long that I really wasn’t sure what “my type” even was anymore so at this point as long as I can see myself at least being physically attracted to someone and they don’t come off like a total idiot I am willing to spend a couple hours with them. This has its peaks and valleys, your either going to have a really good or a really bad time. For the most part, my experiences are pretty decent and I wind up having a good time with a guy that two years ago I wouldn’t have even given a second look to. I also wind up with alot of really funny stories to tell about the bad ones, but after a year of dating I have put together a list of several dating rules that help to cut down the chances of having a bad date, getting catfished, or ending up in a dumpster.

Don’t waste time texting.

Seriously- if a guy hasn’t asked you to meet up with him within the first two/three days chances are he has no intention of ever meeting up with you. Even if he finally does ask you out people can pretend to be whoever they want on the internet and through a text message. He can seem great via text but when you meet him with him he could turn out to be a real dud, or worse a total asshole. Both of these have happened to me where I texted a guy for a couple weeks before we met up and once we did finally meet up he was a real jerk, but at that point, I had formed somewhat of an attachment to him which made it harder to cut ties after the date. Keep the texting short and simple until you meet up with them. Wastes less time and you won’t feel as bad telling him you aren’t going to see him again.

Don’t go to anyone’s house

I don’t understand why there are still guys out there who won’t be upfront about what they are looking for. Like it is not that hard to find just sex, you don’t have to go on a date (or several dates) pretending to be interested in someone to get to the point of getting laid only to disappear after you finally get laid. If a guy leads with something sexual or invites you to his place for a first date chances are he is just looking to get laid. Which is fine if you are looking for the same thing but if you aren’t don’t even bother. You’re just gonna end up with some guy poking you in the back with his boner while you’re trying to watch whatever Disney movie he put on.

Do your research

It amazes me that people are still out there getting catfished in 2018. Seriously there are so many ways to find info out about a person before you meet up with them that there is no reason anyone ever should be catfished. I usually reverse search someones phone number before I meet up with them. There are a couple reasons for this- first I never save any numbers in my phone until I’m sure about someone, which usually means that by the time I meet up with someone I can’t remember their names or what they look like. But if you reverse search their phone number you get their first and last name. If you can’t find them on social media you are definitely being catfished- no matter what someone says you do need a facebook to make a tinder account so if they say they don’t have one they are totally full of shit. I have also found out that guys I was about to go on dates with had wives or fiances at home and unless your into that sort of thing these are good things to know before you plan to meet up with someone. No matter what excuse they give you for cheating on their partner the cold hard truth of it is that they are an asshole who doesn’t care about the person they were with and they won’t care about you either. Cut your losses and move on.

Pick a place thats familiar to you

It has become abundantly clear how dangerous it is simply to exist as a woman. I don’t wanna say I’m paranoid but when you start doing the one thing your parents always taught you not to do (meeting strangers from the internet) You have to do whatever you can to make sure you stay safe. Chances are no one is going to do anything to you but it helps to be in a place that is familiar where if things are going badly someone is going to notice. Plus first dates are awkward enough as it is, being in a place you’re familiar with that is comfortable for you helps you feel a lot more relaxed and when your feeling relaxed you’re a lot more confident, or at least I know I am. I always take first dates to 1 of 3 bars depending on where they’re from, the bartenders know me and know if something is going badly. When I was with that guy who told me he had just gotten out of jail for stalking his ex the bartender went as far as to meet me at the bathroom and give her take on how I should handle getting out of the situation so I didn’t do anything that would set him off and make for a potentially dangerous situation. Things like this are a rarity. Not all men are bad men, some of them are idiots but so are some women.

Just meet for drinks

There is nothing worse than being stuck on a bad date. I always go for drinks on a first date because going for drinks can be as short or as long as you want it to be. If a date is going poorly when you’ve met for drinks you can be in and out in a half hour, even less if it’s really going poorly. If you go for an entire meal you’re going to be there for at least an hour maybe more and being stuck on a bad date for any extended period of time is a lot like being held hostage. I will also never understand people who do things like go hiking or go to a movie on a first date, like who are you getting to know during a movie? It’s just the two of you sitting next to each other in the dark not talking? Like, am I supposed to give you a hand job? Why are we here? As for the hiking thing- First off, I’m fat do I look like I’m doing a lot of hiking to you? No- so its going to be a lot of me being winded the whole time, plus I’m not so sure about entering the woods with a person I’ve never met before I’m pretty sure I saw that on a CSI episode once. I mean I guess if your an avid hiker or someone more athletic than I am hiking isn’t a bad date idea but if your gonna enter the woods with someone you’ve never met before I hope you bring a hatchet or something.

Don’t drag things out

For me, a big part of dating has been learning what I am and am not willing to put up with in a relationship. I am still trying to figure out whether or not some of my deal breakers are valid (ie shitty tippers) so its fine to question if you’re being too hard on someone, but it’s also totally fine to decide that a person exhibits a quality that makes you not interested in pursuing them. You will know right away if there is something about a person that bothers you, if it bothers you now it is going to bother you a year from now don’t enter into a relationship with someone expecting them to change just as you shouldn’t need to change yourself to better suit a person you want to be with. I spent way to much time in my life settling and trying to change people (mostly fix people) because I was afraid there wasn’t ever going to be another person interested in me because of the way I looked which is stupid because I’m hot shit and a guy would be lucky to have me. I stayed in a bad relationship way too long because I was afraid to hurt his feelings by breaking up with him despite the fact that he never had cared about all the times he’d hurt mine. There is always going to be a person who likes the things about you another person didn’t like.

Guys I am not an expert by any means, if I was good at dating I probably wouldn’t be one bad date away from getting another cat but these things have at the very least helped me not get beat up by someones angry wife or end up in a dumpster which wouldn’t really be ideal situations for me. Do I always follow my own rules? Nope, sometimes I get a little lazy, and that’s how I end up going on dates with toothless rappers or guys who just got out of jail, but I’m learning my lesson slowly but surely.

Age ain’t nothin but a number

After the night I hooked up with that 22 year old waiter we agreed to be friends. I really didn’t hear from him again. I couldn’t really blame him, I probably wouldn’t have called someone who got wasted on a Wednesday and banged me in my mom’s basement again either. We texted here and there for a couple days and then he disappeared. I don’t keep numbers I don’t use in my phone, so I eventually just deleted his number and kinda forgot about the whole thing.

Tuesday night I got a text from an unfamiliar number so I asked who it was. Then I noticed I had an Instagram message from the waiter so I had kinda already figured out who it was before he even responded. He wanted to know if I wanted to meet for drinks. I was planning to make it an early night but decided instead that meeting up with him was probably gonna be a lot more exciting than going to bed at 10pm so I went and met him with him.

The bar was empty except for us and some drunk middle-aged people. He tried teaching me about fantasy football and it seemed like he was trying really hard to impress me. I was starting to feel like I was on a date I didn’t Intend to be on and not like I was hanging out with a friend that I drunkenly accidentally hooked up with. Eventually, I mentioned that my sister might wanna meet up with us when she got out of work but he said that he would rather the two of us just hang out and talk.

When the check came he paid the bill and wouldn’t let me give him more than 10$ towards it, that was about the point that my suspicion was confirmed I was on a date and we weren’t just two friends hanging out and having a couple drinks. I have found myself accidentally on more dates that I didn’t realize were dates than most people I know have been on on purpose.

The bar was closing so I started looking for another bar to head to but he said he would rather go back to his place because no one as home and we could have a couple more drinks there. I am like 30 and have no business being in anyone’s mom’s basement, but I didn’t have much else going on so I figured why not.

I had remembered the sex not being very good, but I had hoped that maybe it was because I was really drunk that first time. contrary to popular belief, most drunk sex isn’t good. Sadly it wasn’t the vodka that made it bad, It was actually worse than I remembered, such a waste because this kid literally has one of the biggest Johnson’s I’ve ever seen. He isn’t a big dude and this thing is just like a freaking monster, but as we all know its not about the size of the boat its the motion of the ocean and that seemed to be lost on him. It was super quick and at one point he just kind of laid on top of me not really moving but had the audacity to ask me if I was gonna cum. It took everything I had in me not to say “yeah dude I’m coming to my senses right now and getting the hell outta here”, instead I went with something along the lines of “yeah probably after I go home”. I have got to block his number or something, this is just bad, not to mention it can never go anywhere because he is WAY to young for me. Though I could probably take the mature route and just talk to him about it.

I know I sound like a dick for counting him out because of his age and some bad sex. I know sex is teachable but it’s not even about that. For one he is just to nice for me to tell him its not good like I really don’t wanna hurt his feelings. But also he is so smart and a really talented artist, like he could build a computer from nothing and his room is full of all this really great artwork yet he still thinks the coolest thing about him is the fact that he sells weed. I found myself needing to stop myself from momming him and letting him know that most of those people were only his friend because they were getting something from him and that in the not so distant future everyone was going to be able to buy weed at the gas station so he should probably find a new side hustle. Plus I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, nothing is less impressive to me than a guy that can only talk about how much weed he smokes, granted he’s not as obnoxous about it as other guys I’ve gone out with but its obnoxious enough to be a turn off for me.

I haven’t really heard from him much since I’ve been back from vacation and I am kinda hoping it’ll stay that way. I would love to be able to be friends with him because he’s a good person and he is nice to spend time with, but he definitely isn’t the right person for me. I don’t have a future as a cougar that’s for sure.

 

Changes

Seven years ago today was both the best and worst day of my life. My niece was born, but I wasn’t there, I had missed the one day I waited for an entire 9 months for because I was also in the hospital. See my best friend was out there bringing life into this world, and I was somewhere else trying to take a life out of it. My own, I had been in such a toxic and abusive marriage that I seriously thought the only way out of it was to end it…. and I don’t mean the marriage.

Most days that part of my life feels like it didn’t really happen. Most days it feels like a bad dream I tell people about over coffee. Most days I have pretty much forgotten about the three years my ex spent destroying my life, or my nervous breakdown brought on by his abuse or everything else that went along with being married to a sociopath.

I spent several days in that hospital where they tried to convince me that I just needed to get away from him, but eventually diagnosed me as bipolar (which I would later find out was PTSD misdiagnosed as bipolar disorder) and sent me home. I don’t really remember who visited me, but I remember that he didn’t, but he sure did call me when the cable and internet got shut off because he never paid a bill the entire time we were together and I wasn’t there to take care of it.

I was discharged from the hospital just in time to hold my niece for the first time before they were discharged from the hospital as well. I came home to find my ex unconscious in our bathtub. I left for the first time shortly after. I was gone about a month before he convinced me to come home because “things would be different” It took me months to catch up on the bills he didn’t pay while I was gone.

IMG_4632

Me the day I was released from the hospital

He spent our entire marriage convincing me that he abused me and treated me so poorly because I was unworthy of love and deserved everything he did to me. He constantly tried to make me feel like I was crazy to think he was cheating on me despite the days he would go without coming home or the lies I constantly caught him in. He made everyone else believe I was crazy for not believing that he was clean when in reality he was setting our house up to look like it had been robbed so he could sell anything we owned of value for heroin.

I was so paranoid because he had convinced me that our neighbors were climbing in our windows while I was asleep and stealing money out of my purse that I used to sleep with my purse so our rent money wouldn’t get stolen. I would go days without eating because I was constantly so upset that I couldn’t hold food down. I was down to 140lbs which for a woman who usually sits at around 190lbs is small, and I didn’t look good. When I was released from the hospital I started on the meds they gave me and quickly started to gain weight, I couldn’t function on the meds and lost my job, after that things between us got worse and eventually reached a point where I realized that if I stayed with him I was going to die and as much as I had thought that was my only way out at one point it wasn’t actually what I wanted.

I finally had enough proof that he was cheating on me to bring myself to throw him out, that was around the same time that the people in his life started to realize that he was still using drugs and that I wasn’t as crazy as he had led everyone to believe. The police started showing up at our home looking for him. Multiple people connected to him approached me and told me that I needed to leave him or I was going to end up dead or in jail. I realized when HIS friends and family were telling me I needed to end it that there was no way I was the problem or the reason for all of his issues.

He quickly got engaged to the girl he had been cheating on me with which I reacted to in any way any normal woman who had been cheated on by a heroin addict who stole all her money and sold everything she owned…. by throwing our mattress off the third story balcony.  After that, I didn’t hear from him for four years when he finally decided we should get a divorce which was two years after I had gone and gotten the divorce myself.

After the great mattress meltdown of 2012, I jumped into another bad relationship just to prove to him and myself that I wasn’t going to be alone for the rest of my life. I jumped into a career that I didn’t really want just to prove to him that I wasn’t going to be a failure.I went back to school and agonized over keeping a 4.0 because he said I wasn’t smart enough to do it. I gave years of my life to prove to a person who literally did not give a shit about me or how much they hurt me that I was worthy of something.

Before I met him I had plans for my life, but I put them on hold for him, and that didn’t work out but then I spent even more time trying to prove him wrong so I let almost my entire 20’s pass me by and now I’m 28 and I’m in a rut and it’s time to start doing the things that I really want to do.

For as long as I can remember I have wanted to move to Florida. Before I met my ex I was looking into going to college there, but then I met him so I didn’t go. He and I had talked about going but obviously, he was a scumbag so that never happened…. which was honestly for the best because things probably would have gotten even worse if we had moved 1100 miles away from my family. I started thinking about it again after I had dealt with some pretty serious health issues this year. I had even gone as far as to look into jobs and housing, but I started to feel guilty about leaving my job because they had been so good to me during my health stuff and I had met a guy I really liked and kind of wanted to see where things went so I stopped looking as hard as I was and settled back into the life I wasn’t incredibly happy with.

Then the guy dumped me and the job laid me off (which was a blessing I was miserable) and a few other irons I thought I had in the fire didn’t work out and now I’m running out of good reasons not to do it. I mean I have friends but I only see like one of them regularly. The biggest thing that was stopping me from doing it now is that I don’t know if I could deal with being that far away from my mom. Right now if I was in a situation where I really needed my mom one of us could get in the car and be there in under an hour, but if I moved 1100 miles away it would take some planning and a whole lot more than a tank of gas, but even my mom doesn’t think this is a good enough reason not to go.

I have again put the things in my life that I really want to do on hold for things and people who really didn’t care about me.  Most of the “friendships” I was afraid to leave behind have ended and anyone whose opinions I value that I’ve spoken to agrees that it’s time for me to get a fresh start somewhere else. So I’ve decided that June 1 when my lease is up I am going to finally pack up my dogs and my cats and move to Florida.

The decision just makes sense. My rent goes up 100$ a month every year, I am unwilling to pay $1700 a month on an apartment that stays exactly the same, as much as I love Worcester I have never been able to make it my home, I have no ties here. I thought that moving back to the town I grew up to work in the restaurant I grew up in would help me to find some sort of direction but I realized that I don’t actually have a life there either and I can’t make a life doing the same things I’ve been doing for more than half my life hoping for a different result. My friends have all started their lives and families so I am for the most part alone and if I have to be alone I may as well be alone on a beach, and as much as I hate to be that far away from my mom I know she’s still going to be there.  Plus with the amount of money, I would have needed to save to move to a new apartment in Mass I can literally pack up my life and move to Florida and have money left over.

This isn’t something I just woke up one day and decided. I have been thinking about it for years, and when I lost my job I decided to go and visit some family who I hadn’t seen in three years. I arrived last week and saw some family and hung out on the beach and perused the local tinder specimen.  I didn’t get a chance to go on any dates while I was there but a local homeless guy did give me his phone number and offer to drive me to the airport when I stopped to pet his dog at a beach bar.  But the more time I spent there the more I realized that I was happier, and not just because I was on  vacation because realistically I didn’t really do many things that I wouldn’t have done if I wasn’t on vacation, and that the only things I was really badly missing from being at home were my dogs.

I won’t lie and say I’m not scared shitless because I totally am, but on the brightside, if I do down there and things don’t work out I can just slap on my marshmallow suit and find the nearest alligator swamp, which would also solve my student loan problem. Or like I could take the more rational route and just go back home. I have family there so I won’t be totally alone, and my cousin can actually cook which means I might get a home cooked meal every once in a while. My biggest obstacle now is figuring out how to save money in my already tight budget and learning how to stop spending money like I’m the long-lost Kardashian. Even though the cost of living is cheaper in Florida I probably won’t get far on the $16 I have in my savings account right now.

So, if you’ve done something like this and have any sort of advice on how to do it let me know. Also looking for advice on how to make friends without wondering if the person you’re trying to befriend thinks your hitting on them. If you know me, and your reading this know that you only have about six months left to get your fill of me before I head off to make either the best or second worst decision of my life.

Also, my dad is really concerned about whose gonna check my oil so if someone wanted to teach me how to do that my dad (and me) would appreciate it.

Bullet Proof

I knew when I wrote the post ” Same Mistake” a month ago he probably was going to see it. That’s the danger in putting yourself out there the way I put myself out there. I hoped that when he saw it he would understand the point of the post was never about how “bad” he was, but about how I was questioning some of the rules I had put into place within my own life to protect myself from continuing to make the same mistakes I had made in the past that led me to where I am now. The point of the post was never meant to make him feel attacked, or to try to get back at him for breaking up with me.

Nope. Instead, three weeks later, I got a message from him apologizing for “being so bad I had to write about him”, to which I tried to explain what the actual point of the post was. He claimed he wasn’t mad, and the truth was for the period of time we were dating he wasn’t bad, actually he was probably among the best people I had been with and I didn’t have a single bad thing to say about him aside from the fact that I was hurt that it didn’t work out. That was why I was having a tough time letting it go, and why I had started to wonder whether or not I was in the wrong for cutting people out of my life after he had reached out to me again. As much as it sucked that things didn’t work out he never became “bad” in my eyes until long after things between us ended.

I could’ve just explained myself and left it at that, not that I really should have needed to. He ended things with me months ago so if he was going to keep checking up on me that’s kind of on him. Instead, I asked why he was still reading my blog “it’s a good read” I think a big part of me really just wanted to hear that he missed me, so I hit him with “its fine that you miss me, I’m pretty missable” The response I got, in a nutshell, was that yeah I’m missable but he doesn’t want to be with me….Ouch, ok so why are we having this conversation then?

At that point, I decided we needed to establish some sort of boundaries. I am at a really low point in my life and I really don’t need to add any more complication to my already complicated situation. I let him know that he needed to decide what he wanted from me, if he wanted to try and date again I would consider it (against my better judgment), if he wanted to be friends we could try to be friends, but if he didn’t want anything from me but was going to continue to keep tabs on my life and find arbitrary reasons to contact me that he needed to just leave me alone because it wasn’t fair to me.

“It isn’t fair but at this point I don’t play fair. ‘alls fair in love and war'”.  Ok, but that rule doesn’t apply to us, we never even got that far. I was certainly headed there. I had definitely told people that he was someone I could see myself loving him in the future, but we didn’t get there. He ended things before it got that far, and I can’t imagine you’d end things with someone you cared about.

I could maybe understand any of this if I had broken up with him, but he’s the one who ended things. Did I fight him on it? No, but I told him a long time ago that I was a one-shot girl and that if he was going to end things he needed to be sure about it because there wasn’t any going back. I told him he needed to be honest about what he wanted or to cut the shit, he told me he didn’t want anything from me, I told him not to contact me anymore then and I tried to let it go.

A week goes by.

I tried to let it go. I really did. I gave it the good ‘ol college try. But, I that comment boiled in my blood for the next week. “All is fair in love in war” was on repeat in my mind. I probably  stopped myself three times from contacting him. On the fourth time,  I couldn’t hold it in anymore and I lost it. I sent him this message:

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He responded by telling me that another girl he dated said the same thing and she followed it up with “no matter how many girls you hurt you will never get back at your ex-wife”.

Imagine getting dumped and given zero explanation for it. You don’t hear anything for months. Then, all of a sudden they decide to start showing up every couple of weeks to make you feel rejected all over again and at the end of the day the reason has not a single thing to do with you.

The most powerful thing I did for myself was to accept the apology I was never getting from my ex-husband. It was the only way I was going to move on from the things he did to me. I never want to play ‘Who has More Scars?’ However, some of the things that happened to me during my marriage are things most people could never even imagine doing to another person let alone living through. I have never once used that as an excuse to hurt someone. If I did that would be letting him win and well, fuck that. I wasn’t going to give any more time to someone who literally didn’t give a shit about the fact that they hurt me. I can understand being hesitant to start another relationship after someone really hurts you like that. Hurting people who had nothing to do with the past that you can’t move on from doesn’t make any sense. In the end, the person you’re really hurting is yourself.

Now that I had broken the silence with that text, I spent the next hour laying into him. He didn’t fight me on it and he apologized….a lot. I’m not sure if that made me feel better or worse. Honestly,  he might have just been trying to shut me up. I guess I don’t really blame him there. Then he told me that he thought I was bulletproof because I “have that Instagram where I make fun of guys and the weird shit they say to me”.

I am…..to a point. I don’t let things that happened in my past dictate the rest of my life. I don’t let opinions of small men behind computer screens affect my self-confidence or self-worth, and I don’t dwell on stupidity. But that doesn’t mean I can’t be hurt, and that doesn’t mean that you should continue to do things that you know to be hurtful just because you don’t think the person you’re doing them to is capable of being hurt.

To be honest I’m kind of mad at myself for letting him get under my skin like that. I’m even more mad that I let him know that he had gotten under my skin. I hate to have given someone who clearly doesn’t give a shit about me that kind of power. I thought it would make me feel better to tell him how I really felt but in a way it actually made me feel worse. Me losing my shit didn’t change anything other than probably make him think I’m nuts, and even if it had I think at this point its become too toxic which isn’t something either of us really needs.

You’re never going to be good enough for the wrong person. I know this isn’t a problem with me and I shouldn’t let myself feel that it is. I know that the fact that things didn’t work out between us has nothing to do with how worthy I am of someone giving a shit about me and I shouldn’t and won’t tolerate someone who clearly doesn’t give a shit about me walking in and out of my life and doing or saying whatever they see fit just because I give a shit about them.

Drunk in Love

Day drinking is dangerous. Sometimes you end up hung over by 5pm, sometimes you end up banging your 22-year-old waiter in his mom’s basement.

My sister and I had had a particularly rough week so we decided to meet up for some buffalo cauliflower and sangria. Two pitchers of sangria later we had gotten pretty friendly with our waiter who was relatively new to the area. I don’t remember how it came up but he mentioned that he would want to hang out with us sometime and get drinks, so I gave him my number in the least creepy way it could possibly be when you’re giving your random waiter your number, so we could all hang out sometime. We decided to go to a cheaper bar down the street and said he was welcome to meet us there if he was going to get cut any time soon.

Making new friends is super awkward especially in a situation like that. I was mostly just trying to be friendly, and I honestly didn’t expect to hear from him ever again, to be honest, I thought he was probably going to think I was super creepy for giving him my number even though I didn’t have any intentions beyond friendship. It only took about 20 minutes for him to text me and ask if we had made it to the other pub yet. He met us there a couple of hours later. I wasn’t expecting him to meet us there, and I really wasn’t expecting him to sit next to me and start playing footsie under the table with me either,

I had barely rolled out of bed that morning, I hadn’t done laundry in three weeks, I was wearing my last resort mom jeans, no makeup, and my hair was so full of dry shampoo that the only thing I could do with it was wearing it in a shitty bun on top of my head. I wasn’t even wearing deodorant because I had just gotten all my waxing done, my eyebrows were probably still red. But here I was sitting in a bar looking like one step above a people of Walmart submission and this hot 22 year old is rubbing my leg under the table.

To be clear from the minute we left the restaurant my sister was convinced that he was trying to hook up with me, or her, or both of us. Shes married so I was really the only feasible option. I just thought we were going to have the next greatest friendship story, that is not what happened.

I don’t really remember a lot of the details  that led up to me leaving the bar with him that night, but judging by my texts from my sister from that day I know that she “didn’t want to cock block me”, which she certainly didn’t if anything she was the cock enabler, world-class wing woman. Anyway, the next thing I knew I was in this kids moms basement having the type of sex you would expect to have with a 22-year-old, and when I came out of his bathroom I was face to face with his 12-year-old brother which was somehow more awkward than it would’ve been if I had come face to face with his mom.

When it was over he dropped me off at my car and went to go sell weed, which was exactly the thing I would expect a 22-year-old to do after banging some almost 30-year-old woman. All of this happened before 8pm…on a Wednesday.

There is one lesson here for sure, my mom always tells me that I need to stop leaving the house looking like I just ended an 8-month long bender because you never know who you’re going to run into. If this situation didn’t prove her right I don’t know what will.

while he really is a nice enough guy and super good looking I just can’t picture myself having enough in common with him to continue anything beyond a strictly platonic friendship and since we have already crossed that bridge I don’t really think there is any going back from that. I have one male friend that I was able to have a platonic friendship with after we had sex, but that happened a couple years later and after a long time of having no contact with him, and there is still always that awkward element of having seen each other naked within our friendship.

I guess you could say that restaurant really gave me some more bang for my buck than I was intending that day.  I guess you could also say that depending on how this plays out my sister and I probably need to find a new restaurant halfway between our house to meet.