Kiss Kiss Bang Bang

A couple weeks ago I met this guy on OkCupid and he initially seemed like he was pretty cool. We talked for about a week or so before we made plans to meet for drinks. Somewhere between the bachelorette weekend I was on and the day we were supposed to meet up I started feeling like he was really full of shit about a lot of things. I like to keep an open mind so I decided that despite the fact that I wasn’t really feeling it I was going to go anyway. I have gone on plenty of dates that I really didn’t want to go on and wound up really enjoying myself.

I had had a particularly rough day at work before we met up for drinks so I wasn’t exactly on my A game, I probably should’ve canceled but I really need a drink and I was (am) pretty sure I was getting fired so I really really needed a free drink. Several free drinks so I sucked it up and met up with him. I was initially supposed to meet him at the beach but it was going to be a two-hour drive so we opted to meet somewhere halfway. It worked out that the halfway point was a bar I used to work for so we met there.

The date was fine, he was good looking but something about it was just so awkward. I just wasn’t feeling it but I couldn’t put my finger on why. Then he told me he was a “gamer” and it was kind of all downhill from there. It’s one thing to play video games and that’s fine I totally get that, it’s not really my thing but its a decent pastime but when someone refers to themselves as a gamer all I really see is like this middle-aged guy in his mom’s basement with the headset and a ketchup stain on his shirt telling 12 year old kids to kill themselves. He also told me that one of his major hobbies is political trolling on twitter. Think like Chrissy Teigan but probably less funny. There wasn’t anything particularly wrong with him but we just didn’t click.

When the date was over he wanted to take a walk on the rail trail behind the bar. The rail trail is literally an unlit path through the woods and I was really not about to enter the dark woods with a guy I had just met like three hours before. I was trying to nicely just say goodnight so I could do a lap around the building and eat some pizza (because I was starving) and get a couple more drinks but then he wanted to sit in his car since I wouldn’t go for a walk in the woods. The thing I dislike most when on a date is when a guy tries to make out with or bang you in his car after a first date. First of all- I am like 30, if I want to make out with you I will take you to my house, that I live in alone and do it there like a god damn adult. I’m not gonna take you to my tiny ass car so you can suck the soul out of me like a god damnd dementor. The first date is already awkward enough without someone trying to motorboat you in a Denny’s parking lot.

I am too nice to say no so I get in the car with him. The next thing I know he was like full on assaulting my face. I felt so weird about it that I had to actively stop myself from laughing. I felt like I was under attack. Just when I thought it couldn’t get any more awkward he bites me! But not in a good way- it was like he bit my entire mouth at the same time. I had to get out of the car or I was going to start hysterically laughing in his mouth so I made up something about needing to pee and that one of my friends inside was too drunk to drive home and I made my escape. I was super thankful that we had gone to a place where I knew people so I could use them as my out. About an hour later he texted me and apologized for our makeout session being “rougher than I’m used to”. ROUGHER THAN IM USED TO???? That was a full-on facial assault! At that point I knew I for sure had to end things before they went any further.

Over the next couple days I politely awkwardly distanced myself because I didn’t have the heart to tell him I didn’t want to go out with him again. Especially after he made a weird comment about being my boyfriend soon ( after one date…come on broooo). I think he eventually caught on because eventually he just sent me a bunch of weird Porn Hub memes and stopped texting me which I was pretty thankful for.

This post is dedicated in loving memory of Rudy Zuccaro 02.28.93-06.21.18

Slide

I’ve reached a point in my life where having a sugar daddy doesn’t feel like such a bad idea anymore. Coming from me that’s pretty bad since I’ve seen first hand through someone I used to be close with what that lifestyle actually entails. I’ve reached a point in my job where I have to actively talk myself out of changing my name and driving to the other side of the country every morning when I get in the car to go there. A sugar daddy would solve my work problem, as well as my dating problem. I am one bad date away from just getting another cat, something I actively considered during my last encounter.

A couple years ago I went out with this guy who shared my unending love of Obama 27-4Biden memes. Regardless of what your political stance is you cannot not love a good Obama Biden meme. This guy was probably only the second date I had been on since my relationship ended, and actually probably in my entire life. He was nice enough but we split the bill which was pretty unimpressive for a first date, and he didn’t kiss me which was kind of weird. I was still in my having no idea how to date phase of life so for the second date I invited him over to watch tv or whatever. I honestly forget why I invited him over, maybe it was also during that time where I thought I could cook and I was attempting to make him dinner. He came over, we did whatever it was I invited him over to do, and he tried to get a blowjob. It was prehoe phase which was this weird window of time where I really thought I was gonna find love on tinder (lol) and I wasn’t hooking up with guys before the third date (because that’s the magic date right?). He left and after a couple days, I didn’t hear from him again. He just blatantly stopped responding and unmatched me on bumble. He weirdly continued to like everything on my Instagram and Facebook pages but never responded to my texts. I think one night I got kind of drunk and finally texted him and basically yelled at him about how weird it was that he just disappeared but continued to haunt my social media (ala that time I drunkenly texted a guy who had blown me off and told him “my time is a gift” after my work Christmas party).

After that, I guess I blocked him on all my social media, which I don’t remember doing so I really didn’t hear from him for a few months. Until one super weird night where he started sending me a bunch of Obama Biden memes. He didn’t say anything or respond to any of my messages he just kept sending memes. They were happening at like 5-minute intervals for like two hours. I want to say he did it more than once. It was weird as hell, he never said anything at all just sent a bunch of memes and that was it. It is still among the weirdest things a guy has done to me in the dating pool to this day and I have made an entire Instagram page and blog out of dating weirdness.

So fast forward to last week. I have a second personal Instagram page that I accidentally created because I’m computer illiterate and had accidentally locked myself out of my

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This is the weird NOT FUNNY meme he sent me

Instagram. Somehow in trying to reset my password, I managed to create a second Instagram page. I’ve just kept it linked to my other pages ever since because whatever. So I get this notification last week that meme guy wants to follow my accidental Instagram. I’m over being mad/ weirded out at this point and also I’m incredibly nosy (my biggest downfall) so I follow him back. Next thing I know he’s sliding into my DM’s with another Biden meme. It’s not even a good one. So now I’m more confused because this guy I haven’t heard from in two years is sending me this shitty meme that isn’t funny and doesn’t make sense.  I thought it was gonna end at that like the last weird time he reached out to me so I messaged him back and asked if he was just planning to send me a bunch of memes and not talk to me again or if he actually wanted something. He responds with “I know we got disconnected at one point but I saw you on bumble and was wondering if you’d like to go out again or if you had moved on”.

Got disconnected? Bitch! You ghosted me and then spent months haunting my social media and sending me memes but saying nothing else. Do you think I forgot how weird that was? And wtf you mean by moved on? We went on two dates and I paid for my own drinks so I don’t even know if that qualifies it as a date what the fuck you think I had to move on from? Nonetheless, the idiot in me who just wanted to see what was gonna happen and gave him my phone number so we could start talking again and he literally never reached out to me. Which might possibly be weirder than if he had just sent me a bunch of memes and not said anything like the last time. I’m just confused, like this seems like a lot of effort to go through to get someone’s number and then just never talk to them. I really only give people one chance with me so it wasn’t like I was going to go out with him (this is a lesson I learned after multiple failed relationships) its just weird af.

Bad Romance

Have you ever had sex and it was so bad that you felt like you owed your vagina an apology when it was finally over? That was me Sunday night.  I have for the most part sworn off one night stands and fuck buddies, but I have been really in my feels lately trying to figure out what I’m doing with my life and just generally disappointed by dating in general so after dinner and a few drinks with friends when the opportunity for a hook up came about I took it.

I had recently changed my tinder settings to include men ages 21-35 which I think makes me a cougar but I’m not sure. I don’t really know why I decided to do it but I think it was a combination of me being sick getting weirdly timed poorly lit selfies from middle-aged men and I maybe had gone on one too many dates with men over 30 who for the most part haven’t learned that you cant hurt everyone who tries to care about you just because someone did it to you. On day one I matched with some 22-year-old kid who wasn’t far away from me. He was pretty adamant that he was going to somehow manage to rock my world. I guess I did kind of set him up for failure when he told me how women have told him how “good he was with his hands and tongue” to which I responded, “yeah no one is ever going to tell you it was terrible but thanks for playing”.

When he was messaging me earlier in the day I said it was a possibility. I knew I had been super in my feels and probably needed to get some and I also knew I was gonna have a few drinks so I figured I would leave it open-ended so that if I was feeling like I get some cradle robbing strange I would have the opportunity to. Around the 6th vodka soda, I mentioned that I might be into it. Next thing I knew he was in the car on the way to Worcester and at that point I felt bad about backing out so I just gave him my address.

So he comes over and he’s a nice enough kid. We start getting things going and he can’t uh… rise to the occasion. He starts losing his mind and literally SLAPS HIS OWN DICK. I’m just sitting there like woah- we are in my own house- how can I get out of this. I thought he was going to cry. He finally ends his limpdick induced breakdown and we start hooking up and suddenly I wasn’t sure if I had a vagina or a construction site down there because he was like a god damn jackhammer.  The whole ordeal only lasted about 20 minutes but damn it was the longest 20 minutes of my life. It was one of those experiences that made me wish I had never moved my emergency hammer away from next to my bed.

Ghost Stories

I’ve made a career out of trolling guys on Tinder. Its become basically the only hobby I have, that and going on dates with guys who mostly aren’t right for me. A few months ago I met this guy who lived on the Army base near a restaurant I worked at in high school. He was hot, and in the army which somehow made him 10x hotter, and he was charming and funny so when he asked me to meet him for drinks I didn’t hesitate.

You ever end up on a date with someone that is just so good looking that you feel like your being punked because they are way too hot to be hanging out with you? That was how I felt on this date, and I almost never feel like someone is out of my league but I felt like that on this date. We had so much in common that I felt like I was on a date with myself. It was one of the few dates that when it ended I knew for sure I wanted to see him again. We made plans the next day to go for drinks later in the week and he asked me if I would consider going to the military ball with him in April if we were still hanging out. I love a good ball so obviously, I said hell yes.

After that, he started being kind of a dick and bailed on our date for later that week, didn’t make plans to reschedule and eventually just kind of disappeared. I’m not that girl who is gonna pursue someone who is clearly not interested in me or waste my time trying to talk to someone who doesn’t make an effort to try and talk to me so I just moved on and continued going on a bunch of dates and kind of forgot about him until Easter when he texted me clearly hammered trying to get a booty call. I guess something about Christ rising from the dead really got his engine revving. After a few different versions of me telling him there wasn’t a chance in hell that I would ever sleep with him he eventually stopped texting me.

I didn’t hear from him again for over a month until one Saturday morning when he texted me “I don’t care if you won’t fuck me….I just want to be friends”. I can get down with that. One of my closest guy friends is a guy that I had hooked up with a few years ago who completely ghosted me after. When he first started messaging me I totally hated his guys but eventually, I came to terms with the fact that we would have really sucked together anyway and the worlds greatest friendship story was born. I didn’t expect that that would be the case with this guy, but since I have been struggling to make new friends any way I figured at the very least I could give him a chance.  It lasted about four hours up until he asked if he could take me home after my shift that day. That was about when I realized that we both had very different ideas about what friendship was.

I thought that was gonna be the last time I heard from him but he proceeded to text me every Saturday for like a month with some variation about how he wanted to just be friends and complain about how terrible his life was. Which I get it, he’s seen some shit and he needs someone to talk to, I can respect that and I can lend a sympathetic ear but then he would get progressively drunker as the day went on and start trying to bang me. Eventually, I just started resending him screenshots of our conversation from the previous week to save us both the aggravation of rehashing the same conversation over and over. He claimed he never remembered any of it and I think he actually wound up blocking my number during the most recent conversation because I wasn’t giving in to banging him. I guess the moral of the story here is- Block everyone they aren’t your friend .

Chasing Waterfalls

Being the last single friend in your friend group is difficult for many reasons, the most difficult being that you have so many well-intending friends and their spouses are constantly trying to set you up with their terrible single friends. Sure not every set up has been terrible and I know that my friends just want to see me happy and in a healthy relationship for a change but damn some of the most ridiculous things that have ever happened to me on a date have happened because I let my friends set me up. Blind dates may have worked for Meghan Markle but they sure as shit never worked for me.

Initially, when I moved to this city I made a lot of new friends. That heard has since considerably thinned but within that group was a guy that everyone wanted to set me up with. He was “a bit weird but needed someone like me to get him out of his shell” and “would definitely treat me better than anyone else I had ever dated”. At first, I was firmly against this because he was weird and not necessarily in a good way but after a lot of convincing, I finally agreed to hang out with him.

I had some friends over for dinner and they insisted on inviting him. I decided to go with it because if I at least gave him a chance it would shut everyone up, it wasn’t gonna kill me to spend a little time with him, and who knows- maybe we would’ve hit it off. We had pasta and I felt super awkward and got incredibly drunk because vodka is the most logical way to deal with any awkward situations. My friend went to sleep in my guest room which left me alone with this guy they were trying to set me up with.

My drunk alter ego has a bad habit of sleeping with guys I don’t want to see again the first time I meet them. So the next thing I knew I was in bed with this guy who was telling me he was into some “really freaky shit”. I had heard this before but usually, the freakiest shit most guys can come up with is like wanting anal, I figured it was that so I dragged it out of him (and for the record that NEVER would have happened). The next thing I knew he was asking me to pee ON him.

I thought that was like a fake porn thing that people weren’t really into but here I was with some guy I wasn’t even into asking me to pee on him. I know everyone has things they like but somehow I feel like that is not a thing you ask a girl the first time you go out with her, especially if you know you are going to have to see her again. In most situations, I would have run as fast and far away as I possibly could but we were in my house and there was only so much I could say at that point because I knew I was going to have to see him pretty often.

What made it even worse was that he would not leave. He stayed the entire night which I don’t even allow a guy to do unless I am seriously dating him and the next morning he kept trying to get me to take a shower with him. Like NO JUST LEAVE JESUS CHRIST IT IS WEDNESDAY MORNING AND I NEED TO GO TO WORK. I felt bad but like there was no way that was ever happening.

I learned a couple of valuable lessons that day. First- don’t ever sleep with someone you’re going to have to see on a regular basis if you aren’t sure they aren’t into some weird shit. Second- always keep a hammer next to your bed….. just in case.

The tipping point

Sometimes I wonder if I have become so comfortable and attached to my singleness that I’m unintentionally sabotaging potential relationships because I’m just not ready to give it up. I always start dating a guy and at first, he’s cool but after a couple weeks, I start finding something wrong and slowly but surely this (probably small)  thing becomes a massive deal breaker. Its like I’m the Goldilocks of men- Goldi-cocks if you will.

I once went on a few dates with a guy who was a restaurant manager. He was really nice to me whenever we went out but he had nothing to talk about except his job. He was so obsessed with his job that two of our dates were to the restaurant he worked at. I asked him what his long terms goals were, which for me means things like do you want to buy a house or have a family but the only goals he had were career goals and his career goals all had to do with this one restaurant he was working in. It got incredibly boring really fast- and I work in the industry so I get how consuming it is but he literally had nothing to talk about. He also treated the waitstaff like shit, he would go into “manager mode” (his words) and start acting like an asshole to whoever was taking care of us. It was obvious that he had never been a waiter ever and it was really embarrassing especially for me who waitresses part-time.

I really believe that the way a guy treats waitstaff is a really good indication of how they are going to treat you. So things, like being rude or not tipping the server, are huge issues for me.  I always make it a point to watch how much my date tips the waitstaff. Tipping is 20% if you are too cheap to give your server a good tip for decent service than I don’t have time for you. I have been on a ton of dates and I have never once had service that was so bad that it warranted a shitty tip. If you are having a good time with the person you’re with you shouldn’t even be focusing on the server.

Also, I know its 2018 but I literally cannot stand men who smoke pot. Like it’s not even about the pot-  smoke all the pot you want but it’s this whole 420 friendly stupidity that I can’t stand. I realize that the fact that I don’t smoke is like a rarity but like what if I told you that you could smoke weed and not have to talk about it all the time. Its the equivalent of a cross fitter or a strict vegan. I don’t feel the need to tell everyone I’m vodka friendly….  just smoke your devil’s lettuce and shut the hell up about it. As long as your not spending all your money on weed I could really care less if that’s what you do to unwind. We all have our vices, as long as you can support your habit, pay your bills you do you, but for most of these guys, this is like a lifestyle much like the “manager mode” guy I dated it doesn’t seem like they have anything to talk about other than smoking pot.

Maybe these things aren’t as big deal breakers as they seem. As much as I like to think I’m like the dream girl maybe I am just not as ready for a relationship as I thought I was. I feel like everything in my life is so up in the air right now. Like I’m not even sure what I want anymore. I have been feeling very out of place in my own life lately, I uprooted my entire life to take a job that I thought would advance my career but all that job has done lately is kind of make me sad. I kind of realized lately that I don’t know anymore where I want to end up, that I have always done things that weren’t right for me because I was afraid of hurting people or leaving people behind, and in doing so I was the one got left behind.

 

 

Familiar Faces

I first joined Tinder and Bumble two years ago about a month after my four-year relationship ended. After four years I finally realized I deserved better than what I was getting out of that relationship and after a month-long break, I realized that nothing was going to change so I let him know that he could stay in our apartment while he figured out what he was going to do but he and I would not be getting back together. Despite the fact that he was an asshole I felt bad breaking up with him and also making him homeless at the same time. I didn’t expect that it was going to take him like 8 months to leave or that I would have to practically threaten to change the locks and put his shit on the front lawn to get him to finally move out.

Anyway, I joined tinder and bumble about a month after me and my ex split, it was sort of complicated because we were still living together. I did manage to meet a couple people, including this one guy. It was one of my first ever tinder experiences and to be honest it was enough to make me run fast and far away and never look back. You ever see a picture of someone and you feel like the room they’re in looks familiar, or that they look familiar but you can’t quite put your finger on who they are or what it is? That was how I felt when I matched with him. The rooms his pictures in were super familiar and so was he and one of the girls in one of his pictures but I couldn’t figure out why. I figured the girl was his sister or something so I didn’t question why there was a girl in a couple of his pictures. We started chatting, he was super friendly and charming and he sent memes so when he asked me to meet up with him I immediately agreed. This was back in the days where I really thought true love could be found on tinder.

He wanted to come to my house but that was obviously a no go since my ex was living there and could come home at any time. I always tried to be super upfront about my living situation when I was meeting someone new because I felt like it as unfair not to be. I also tried to be fair to my ex and not have men that I was romantically interested in in our apartment while he was still living there, despite the fact that I am pretty sure he didn’t have the same consideration for me. I offered to meet him at his place but he told me he had terrible roommates. He then proceeded to spend about an hour talking all this shit about his roommates and how awful they were, and how they used to be cool until they got married and now they hate each other, so it appeared that going to his place was also out.

We decided to meet at a park in the town where he was living. My sister lived in the same town as him and since I like to let someone know where I’m going and who I’m going with I decided to send my sister a picture of him and his phone number just so shed know where I was and who I was with if anything happened. That was when I figured out why everything about his pictures looked so familiar. HE WAS MY SISTERS ROOMMATE. Not only was he my sister’s roommate, he was living with his girlfriend of 10 years. Not only was he not single, he had just spent an hour talking shit about my sister and brother in law. What a scumbag! it was not actually surprising that he was a scumbag once I figured out who he actually was, I had heard plenty of stories about him and the type of person he was when he wasn’t bullshitting someone trying to impress them.

Here’s a little background on this… My sister had been renting a house with her now husband for about five years before this incident. It was kind of far away from where me and all our friends were living and they had a series of really shitty roommates, and the worst of them was this guy and his girlfriend. I had really only been to her house a handful of times and during those times I think this kid and his girlfriend had only come out of their bedroom for a total of five minutes and didn’t even say hello. So it was not totally crazy that I didn’t recognize him or her or the rooms his pictures were taken in until she pointed it out to me.

I was literally on my way out the door when my sister told me that this was her roommate and he was living with his girlfriend of 10 years. So I obviously told him I wasn’t going to meet him and asked him if his girlfriend knew he was meeting up with women from tinder, and that he was a lying liar who lies. He acted confused because “he didn’t have a girlfriend” so that was when I informed him that we had actually met before and that the terrible roommates he spent so much time talking about were my sister and her husband. Rather than admitting defeat he tries to tell me that he and his girlfriend had actually broken up but were still living together much like me and my ex. He said they hadn’t told anyone about the split and begged me not to tell my sister because he “didn’t want to stress her out”, he also begged me not to tell my sister about all the shit he had talked about her and her husband during our conversation.

I was obviously sending her the screenshots of our entire conversation. I don’t know how she managed to continue to live with him after that and not bring it up but somehow she did, and he never knew that she knew absolutely everything he said. The tinder guy and his non-girlfriend moved out a few months later- together-and are now engaged.  As for my ex, he finally moved out right after Thanksgiving two years ago- 8 months after we had broken up. Things had gotten pretty ugly and when he left he tried taking one of my dressers becuse “I gave it to him” (I didn’t- I allowed him to use it while he lived here, hardly a gift) and he took the toilet paper when he left because “He paid for it” (it was one of the only things he paid for the entire time we were together but ok)- as if I didn’t pay in days of my life that I could have been enjoying for every day that I spent with him during our relationship.