Champagne Problems

Last night, I matched with a guy on Tinder who seemed really great. We talked for a while, and eventually he invited me to dinner. At that point, I was already in the process of cooking and couldn’t really stop and change my plans, so I asked him if he would be available to meet for drinks in a couple hours instead. He said yes, then added that he didn’t drink but he really liked ginger-ale. Cue internal screaming.

Lately, I’ve been encountering a lot of men who say they don’t drink, and every time I hear it I instantly lose interest. I know this makes me sound like a raging alcoholic, but hear me out on this.

Alcohol is not a deciding factor in my life, I really don’t drink that much compared to other people in my age group, but when I see myself in a relationship, I see myself with someone who will go out with me on a Friday night and have a few drinks in a beer garden, or at a bar. It’s something I could never really do in my previous relationships. If we’re being honest, getting either of my ex’s to even spend time with me was like pulling teeth.

If I am going to have a relationship with someone, I don’t want it to be another relationship where I have to do everything alone, or one where I get criticized by my partner for going out and having a couple drinks with friends. I literally spent 10 years in relationships where I had to go to events by myself because I had partners who didn’t drink. When I was able to convince them to go somewhere with me, most of the time they would sit and pout and be rude, to both to me and anybody with us. It was embarrassing, and I really don’t want to have to deal with a lifetime of similar situations.

My other reservation is like- what do you do on a first date then? I generally try to avoid going for a meal on the first date, opting for drinks instead. Drinks are fast and easy, 20 minutes tops, and there’s no pressure. And if things aren’t going well you can leave after one drink, rather than staying for an entire meal, which can be upwards of an hour or more. Also, if things aren’t going well during the meal, it honestly feels a lot like being held hostage.

I like the option of being in-and-out if I need to, and it’s also cheaper. If we wind up splitting the bill or I pay, I don’t end up spending a bunch of money when I didn’t have a good time. If he pays, I won’t feel so bad about not wanting to see him again.

Recently, my dating app conversations usually go like this- they ask if I want to get together, I suggest we meet for a drink, they respond with something along the lines of “I don’t drink but we can smoke a blunt if you want”, I tell them I don’t smoke, and plans are never made.

I don’t have an issue with weed, but all my last ex ever did was smoke weed to the point where we couldn’t do anything that didn’t revolve around it. He was constantly spending all of his money on it, to the point that I wound up paying for almost everything when we lived together. I know that in most cases this is not the norm. I also know that the real reason he was like that wasn’t because he smoked weed, but because he literally didn’t give a shit about me or anything I cared about.

Still, I can’t shake the internal cringe I feel every time a guy suggests smoking a blunt as a date. I know people are fully capable of smoking and not being a dick about it, but something about offering to take me on a “blunt cruise” as a first date is a real turn off.

Surprisingly, that’s not what happened this time around. He didn’t offer to “smoke me up on a blunt”, he just accepted my bull shit excuse and my promise that we could meet for an appetizer later in the week. He even continued the conversation. That was when I started wondering if I was just being a giant asshole in not giving this seemingly great guy a chance, just because he didn’t drink.

I am such a proponent of not letting the bullshit from your past relationships affect your present life but here I was doing exactly the thing I tell so many people not to do. So, when he gave me one last chance to meet him for appetizers that night, I impulsively decided I should just meet up with him. It wouldn’t kill me right? Plus, the meal I cooked sucked anyway.

We met for appetizers. He wound up being pretty great.

I still have my reservations about dating someone who doesn’t drink, but its only been one date. Also, if he can not be a dick about the fact that he doesn’t drink and I do, I think he and I could have a lot of fun together. I guess we will see.

 

Confessions of a Domestic Failure

I am really bad at being an adult- Like I really aspire to be one of those women who drink Kale and eats organic and does yoga and has well-behaved dogs and has a spotless apartment, or at the very least can keep a plant alive. I’ve tried- I really have, but my reality is more like- I spent $70 on groceries I don’t know how to cook, set the fire alarm off in my apartment building making toast, and I have to muzzle my dogs and take them on separate walks because one of my dogs tried to knock my neighbor over and steal the socks off his feet when we were coming out of the elevator, and the other dog won’t stop trying to eat her brother. I am basically the embodiment of a Pinterest fail. I’m lucky if I left the house and remembered to put my shirt on. As I write this I’m staring deep into the eyes of a pile of laundry I am putting off doing knowing damn well that I had to buy socks to wear today because I was completely out of clean ones. I should be cleaning because my mom is coming to stay with me,(who took this video of me cleaning my apartment? )and I know if I don’t she will. Which is great because she does a much better job than I ever could, but I’ll never be able to find anything ever again.

I can’t cook- like at all. I used to think I could cook but after a couple of years of eating what can only be described as prison food and multiple visits from the fire department, I charliehad to face the reality that much like that time I went to hairdressing school, me and the kitchen were not a match made in heaven. I am really good at wine, and I can load a mean dishwasher but when it comes to cooking dinner I think I top out at heating up a frozen pizza. I did try blue apron for a while, but cooking one blue apron meal took every pan in my kitchen and three days to clean up after and I don’t know about you but I just don’t have that kind of time. Not to mention it was costing me a small fortune. $60 just on three meals and you still have to eat for the rest of the week and I eat more than one meal a day, and while these three meals were giving me three days of lunch and dinner, I wound up spending like over $120 per week on food for just me (not including cheese) which is double my normal budget. Plus everything had Kale in it (Kale is a great source of nutrition but let’s be real it doesn’t belong in every meal), and if you found something you really liked you can never make it again because you can’t find half the ingredients in the grocery store. I also tried a lot of recipes from Pinterest which were usually a disaster. I had so many dinner failures from Pinterest recipes that I was starting to think the problem was Pinterest and not me. Here is one recipe that I have had really good luck with.

I moved to this city a year ago to advance my career. I really love it here, because I’ve always dreamed of living in a place where I can get breakfast delivered. Moving here that dream a reality. Sure- I haven’t actually done it, because why would I spend $20 to get pancakes delivered when I can just make them at home, but I am really attached to having the option. You can pretty much get anything delivered here- Laundry, groceries, tinder guys,- it’s probably my favorite part of being here, but I am kind of bored. I have been trying really hard to find some sort of hobby that doesn’t involve tinder, vodka, or cheese.

I never really had time for hobbies because I was lolaalways taking care of grown ass man babies, or in school, or working a million hours so this is a like a whole new world for me. I’m kinda like Aladdin except instead of falling in love with a princess I just have a lot of free time that I’m not used to having.  I used to do yoga so I thought about going back because it was a healthy and productive thing to do with my spare time, plus I felt really amazing and was in really good shape when I was doing it.  The problem is most classes are catered to people who don’t work 9-5 Monday- Friday so it has been tough to find a class that fits into my schedule, and since my version of “doing yoga” is rolling around on the ground and swearing at someone under my breath for an hour and 15 minutes twice a week I am not sure I want to part with the $30 a week which could be spent on vodka.

A few months after I moved here I watched my moms dog for about a week and noticed what a difference in my dog’s behavior having another dog around made. I thought maybe the reason Charlie was so stressed all the time was because he needed a friend that wasn’t a cat. I decided to adopt another dog. I got the ok from my landlord and was set up with a rescue by a friend. The rescue only had one small dog- she was blind and I was hesitant to take on a special needs dog because I wasn’t sure I was going to be able to give her a good home because I had no experience with anything even remotely close to caring for a dog like her. I agreed to at least foster her, in retrospect I knew she was coming home to stay. It has been a struggle. I was prepared for it to be hard, but its hard in ways I was not prepared for. Her blindness is the least of her issues, but no matter how hard things get with her she is still the best thing I have ever done. Taking home a dog like Lola has taught me a lot about patience and has shown me an entirely different meaning of love. Sure- my two dogs are not the worlds greatest friends like I had hoped they would be, but bringing her home has brought an entirely new dynamic to our fur family.

So my dogs don’t like each other and I can’t cook and my house usually looks worse after I’ve cleaned it than it did before I cleaned it. But my rents always paid (I mean it’s late but its still paid) and I have managed to keep five animals alive (no plants but the pets are good). I always feel like everyone around me is just crushing life and I am just out here spending money like I’m a Kardashian, barely wearing pants, living off of $4 champagne, cheese and too much vodka, and tripping over things while getting constantly barraged with dick pics- but I feel like I am not the only one out here living her best life but like her best life is just kind of a little bit of a disaster.