Drunk in Love

Day drinking is dangerous. Sometimes you end up hung over by 5pm, sometimes you end up banging your 22-year-old waiter in his mom’s basement.

My sister and I had had a particularly rough week so we decided to meet up for some buffalo cauliflower and sangria. Two pitchers of sangria later we had gotten pretty friendly with our waiter who was relatively new to the area. I don’t remember how it came up but he mentioned that he would want to hang out with us sometime and get drinks, so I gave him my number in the least creepy way it could possibly be when you’re giving your random waiter your number, so we could all hang out sometime. We decided to go to a cheaper bar down the street and said he was welcome to meet us there if he was going to get cut any time soon.

Making new friends is super awkward especially in a situation like that. I was mostly just trying to be friendly, and I honestly didn’t expect to hear from him ever again, to be honest, I thought he was probably going to think I was super creepy for giving him my number even though I didn’t have any intentions beyond friendship. It only took about 20 minutes for him to text me and ask if we had made it to the other pub yet. He met us there a couple of hours later. I wasn’t expecting him to meet us there, and I really wasn’t expecting him to sit next to me and start playing footsie under the table with me either,

I had barely rolled out of bed that morning, I hadn’t done laundry in three weeks, I was wearing my last resort mom jeans, no makeup, and my hair was so full of dry shampoo that the only thing I could do with it was wearing it in a shitty bun on top of my head. I wasn’t even wearing deodorant because I had just gotten all my waxing done, my eyebrows were probably still red. But here I was sitting in a bar looking like one step above a people of Walmart submission and this hot 22 year old is rubbing my leg under the table.

To be clear from the minute we left the restaurant my sister was convinced that he was trying to hook up with me, or her, or both of us. Shes married so I was really the only feasible option. I just thought we were going to have the next greatest friendship story, that is not what happened.

I don’t really remember a lot of the details  that led up to me leaving the bar with him that night, but judging by my texts from my sister from that day I know that she “didn’t want to cock block me”, which she certainly didn’t if anything she was the cock enabler, world-class wing woman. Anyway, the next thing I knew I was in this kids moms basement having the type of sex you would expect to have with a 22-year-old, and when I came out of his bathroom I was face to face with his 12-year-old brother which was somehow more awkward than it would’ve been if I had come face to face with his mom.

When it was over he dropped me off at my car and went to go sell weed, which was exactly the thing I would expect a 22-year-old to do after banging some almost 30-year-old woman. All of this happened before 8pm…on a Wednesday.

There is one lesson here for sure, my mom always tells me that I need to stop leaving the house looking like I just ended an 8-month long bender because you never know who you’re going to run into. If this situation didn’t prove her right I don’t know what will.

while he really is a nice enough guy and super good looking I just can’t picture myself having enough in common with him to continue anything beyond a strictly platonic friendship and since we have already crossed that bridge I don’t really think there is any going back from that. I have one male friend that I was able to have a platonic friendship with after we had sex, but that happened a couple years later and after a long time of having no contact with him, and there is still always that awkward element of having seen each other naked within our friendship.

I guess you could say that restaurant really gave me some more bang for my buck than I was intending that day.  I guess you could also say that depending on how this plays out my sister and I probably need to find a new restaurant halfway between our house to meet.

Last Time

This morning, I woke up in a hotel room with someone I definitely shouldn’t have woken up next to. Let’s just say I now know how it feels to wake up in the morning feeling like P. Diddy.

It started a few months ago when we matched on Tinder. He was here on business, and I was in a five month dry-spell. We talked for a few days, eventually meeting in his hotel room to split a pizza and a bottle of vodka.

He was interesting, and he made me laugh. We had a lot in common, including a nasty divorce (or so I thought). I was actually kind of bummed he was leaving the next day. In normal circumstances I wouldn’t have hooked up with him, but he was leaving and I needed to end my dry spell.

The next day, his whole divorce story unraveled. I found out he was still married, which in hindsight I should have seen coming. I confronted him about it, and he gave me this big story about how terrible she was, and how he was trying to leave her but he didn’t want to lose his kid, and how she kept threatening to kill herself whenever he tried to leave.

The typical cheating guy narrative, I’ve heard it before. It’s the same narrative my ex-husband gave the multiple women he cheated on me with, and the same narrative a guy I had dated for a couple months gave me when I found out he was married as well.

Here’s the thing about men who cheat. Men don’t cheat because their wives or girlfriends are terrible or crazy, and they don’t cheat because you are something special.

Men cheat because of a problem with them.

No matter how bad any of my relationships ended up, I never cheated. I never even gave consideration to cheating. But just so we’re clear, I did act crazy when I was with my ex-husband. However, anyone would be crazy when an emotionally abusive, manipulative person was stealing all your money and not coming home for days. I knew he was cheating, long before I was ready to admit it to myself. I believe other women are the same way. So if that’s crazy, then I guess we’re crazy.

Also, kids are a bad reason to stay in a relationship that’s unhappy. Staying together for your kids just teaches your kids to do the same thing. It’s perpetuating the same behavior.

After I found out he was married, he asked me if we could still be friends. I said yes, but I thought it was one of those things where you say you’re going to do something because you know the chances of it ever actually coming up again are really slim to non-existent, and even if it did come up you didn’t have any intention of following through with it.

I heard from him every once in a while after that. I was pretty unfriendly, so I figured he’d get sick of me eventually. I hadn’t heard from him in a month or two when he reached out to me in April saying he was in town for business and wanted to meet for a drink to apologize for lying to me.

To be honest, I was deep into my health shit at the time so I was feeling a little vulnerable, and a lot angry. I figured it would be a good opportunity to tell him what a shit I thought he was to his face, so I agreed to meet with him.

Telling him off wasn’t nearly as satisfying as I thought it would be, in the end. He just took it because he knew it was wrong. Once I was done ripping him a new asshole, we actually had an okay time. He’s decent company if you can keep him at a distance and get over the fact that he’s kind of a scumbag. Nothing sexual between us, just two friends catching up over drinks. After that, I didn’t hear from him again. I actually started to forget about the whole thing.

Then he texted me Monday night. He was in the area for the night and invited to meet him for drinks. We’d had a decent time the last time I saw him, so I figured it would be good to get out of the house and talk to someone who didn’t have four legs and a tail.

I was also in the middle of having my 17th breakdown about WTF I should do with my life, now that this job didn’t work out. Obviously since I’m unemployed, I have an abundance of free time that I’m not used to having, and very little funds. I’ve actually had to reel myself in since losing my job, since I have been spending money like a Kardashian for the last 8 months.

I maybe went a little harder on the vodka than I should’ve, and the half bottle of champagne after didn’t help either. When I woke up the next morning I knew I was in a bed and I was afraid to open my eyes. The first thing I thought was “ok I’m in a bed, I really hope I didn’t drive last night“. The second thing was “I hope to God I’m in this bed alone“.

I wasn’t alone. However, nothing happened between us. We still had our clothes on.

When I started to remember where I was and how I got there, my massive hangover and I quickly made an exit. Even though nothing but sleeping happened, I feel pretty shitty about it. I’m thankful he didn’t let me drive home, but needless to say that friendship is over. It really never should have even started.

Men and women can absolutely be friends, they just probably shouldn’t be friends after one of them lies about being married.

Champagne Problems

Last night, I matched with a guy on Tinder who seemed really great. We talked for a while, and eventually he invited me to dinner. At that point, I was already in the process of cooking and couldn’t really stop and change my plans, so I asked him if he would be available to meet for drinks in a couple hours instead. He said yes, then added that he didn’t drink but he really liked ginger-ale. Cue internal screaming.

Lately, I’ve been encountering a lot of men who say they don’t drink, and every time I hear it I instantly lose interest. I know this makes me sound like a raging alcoholic, but hear me out on this.

Alcohol is not a deciding factor in my life, I really don’t drink that much compared to other people in my age group, but when I see myself in a relationship, I see myself with someone who will go out with me on a Friday night and have a few drinks in a beer garden, or at a bar. It’s something I could never really do in my previous relationships. If we’re being honest, getting either of my ex’s to even spend time with me was like pulling teeth.

If I am going to have a relationship with someone, I don’t want it to be another relationship where I have to do everything alone, or one where I get criticized by my partner for going out and having a couple drinks with friends. I literally spent 10 years in relationships where I had to go to events by myself because I had partners who didn’t drink. When I was able to convince them to go somewhere with me, most of the time they would sit and pout and be rude, to both to me and anybody with us. It was embarrassing, and I really don’t want to have to deal with a lifetime of similar situations.

My other reservation is like- what do you do on a first date then? I generally try to avoid going for a meal on the first date, opting for drinks instead. Drinks are fast and easy, 20 minutes tops, and there’s no pressure. And if things aren’t going well you can leave after one drink, rather than staying for an entire meal, which can be upwards of an hour or more. Also, if things aren’t going well during the meal, it honestly feels a lot like being held hostage.

I like the option of being in-and-out if I need to, and it’s also cheaper. If we wind up splitting the bill or I pay, I don’t end up spending a bunch of money when I didn’t have a good time. If he pays, I won’t feel so bad about not wanting to see him again.

Recently, my dating app conversations usually go like this- they ask if I want to get together, I suggest we meet for a drink, they respond with something along the lines of “I don’t drink but we can smoke a blunt if you want”, I tell them I don’t smoke, and plans are never made.

I don’t have an issue with weed, but all my last ex ever did was smoke weed to the point where we couldn’t do anything that didn’t revolve around it. He was constantly spending all of his money on it, to the point that I wound up paying for almost everything when we lived together. I know that in most cases this is not the norm. I also know that the real reason he was like that wasn’t because he smoked weed, but because he literally didn’t give a shit about me or anything I cared about.

Still, I can’t shake the internal cringe I feel every time a guy suggests smoking a blunt as a date. I know people are fully capable of smoking and not being a dick about it, but something about offering to take me on a “blunt cruise” as a first date is a real turn off.

Surprisingly, that’s not what happened this time around. He didn’t offer to “smoke me up on a blunt”, he just accepted my bull shit excuse and my promise that we could meet for an appetizer later in the week. He even continued the conversation. That was when I started wondering if I was just being a giant asshole in not giving this seemingly great guy a chance, just because he didn’t drink.

I am such a proponent of not letting the bullshit from your past relationships affect your present life but here I was doing exactly the thing I tell so many people not to do. So, when he gave me one last chance to meet him for appetizers that night, I impulsively decided I should just meet up with him. It wouldn’t kill me right? Plus, the meal I cooked sucked anyway.

We met for appetizers. He wound up being pretty great.

I still have my reservations about dating someone who doesn’t drink, but its only been one date. Also, if he can not be a dick about the fact that he doesn’t drink and I do, I think he and I could have a lot of fun together. I guess we will see.