Friend Zone

So I guess you could say I friend zoned one of my guy friends and things have been super weird since it happened. We were never dating, aside from a little flirtation he never expressed any interest in me beyond friendship but lately, things have reached a really weird gray area which has made me really need to define our friendship to him, and to myself.

Since moving out here I have made like two friends, not for lack of trying but my last job (and my constant depression from working a job that made me miserable) made it really difficult to make friends. Since I left the hotel I have kept in touch with about two people one of which was this guy who I had kind of had a thing for when we worked together. It was always flirtatious but at the time he had a girlfriend and we worked together so even if he didn’t have a girlfriend sleeping with a coworker was a mistake I really only needed to make once.

When I was let go from the hotel he started texting me all the time but usually, it was to talk to me about issues with his ex or other girls he was interested in which kinda bummed me out initially but the more we talked the less romantically into him I was. Eventually, we decided to meet for breakfast. He has a son so his kid went with us. Normally I wouldn’t be ok with meeting someone’s kid so soon but since it was just a friendly thing I figured it wasn’t a huge deal.

When we met for breakfast I was pretty much still in my pajamas, but he was actually dressed up which I thought was kind of weird because this is a guy who normally wears old band ts and ripped jeans but he actually looked kinda nice. I was starting to wonder if maybe I had misjudged the friendship thing and I was once again on a date I didn’t intend to be on but I decided I was gonna try not to overthink anything and just enjoy my pancakes.

After we ate breakfast we decided to take his son somewhere so he could play. That was when things got kind of weird, it started to feel more like we were a happy family enjoying a day off together and not like just a couple friends watching their friends kid play in a park. He ended up kissing me that day but we never talked about it after that, it kinda was almost like it never happened and I didn’t want to be the one to bring it up so I just let it go.

Honestly, I was relieved we didn’t talk about it. The more time we spent together the more I realized that he is the embodiment of all the things I don’t want in a partner. If I had ended up dating him he would have been another partner that I was gonna have to parent and that’s the last thing I need. Plus at that point, I had started to more seriously consider making a move so getting involved in a new relationship especially with someone who had a child wasn’t the right choice for me.

Even though we never talked about that weird day in the park it seemed like the dynamic of our friendship changed. Suddenly It felt like he was always judging me for things I would do or getting jealous when I would talk about going out with other people. He always started having a lot of expectations of me that went beyond the realm of friendship. For a while, I tried to be supportive because I know he has a lot of things going on right now but the more I was giving to the friendship the more demanding he was getting. Before I left for Florida we had a giant fight. Honestly, I had planned to just never talk to him again but he claimed that he was sorry and wasn’t going to talk to me the way he did during the argument again so I decided to just let it go. I was leaving anyway so in a few months an argument isn’t going to matter.

I tried to just let it go but more and more our friendship has been feeling less like a friendship and more like we are a couple who desperately needs to break up. Most recently we had an argument that lasted three days because he was mad that I went to meet up with a guy late night but whenever he asks me to meet up with him I tell him no, or that I’m too tired. Which is true, I do tell him no but the reason for that is because of his current living situation. Currently, he is staying with his ex’s mother and even though our friendship (as far as I’m concerned) is strictly friendly it would be inappropriate for me to go over there especially late at night, and I have told him this many times, not that I really should have to give someone an explanation for why I don’t want to hang out with them after midnight.

I have tried to talk to him about how weird and jealous he’s been acting lately but he always avoids the conversation. At this point, I wouldn’t even give a relationship with him consideration but it would be nice to know if I needed to change the way I approach our friendship. I don’t want to lose him as my friend but it’s getting to a point where it’s frustrating because I don’t feel like I can talk to him about anything anymore and there is no point in being friends with someone when you can’t talk to them about anything.

Guys have been complaining about being friend zoned since the beginning of time but, to be honest, most of the time at least in my experience they’ve friend zoned themselves. I can’t even tell you the number of messages I get from men who want to “start as friends and see where things go” then act surprised that things never went beyond a friendship. Like if you tell me you want to be my friend you can expect that you are gonna be my friend and only my friend. I am not a mind reader and I am not going to beg anyone to talk to me about their feelings so if you aren’t clear about your intentions how can you expect someone to know what your feeling?

I have had plenty of guy friends who I have developed feelings beyond friendship for but I have always made it a point to be honest with them about those feelings so that if they aren’t reciprocated I can remove myself from the situation rather than sit there and have to watch them be in another relationship. It is perfectly ok to decide you can’t be in someone’s life if they don’t have the same feelings for you that you do for them. You are never obligated to continue a friendship with someone, but if you have had that discussion and decide to continue to be friends with this person in the hopes that they are eventually going to change their mind than the fact that you’ve been fried zoned is on you.  Making friends as an adult is hard enough I don’t know why we’re all making it harder on ourselves by not being upfront about our feelings.

Jailhouse rock

Second biggest fear: I settle for someone not right for me, just so I don’t end up dying alone with a bunch of cats.

First biggest fear: I die alone with a bunch of cats.

However, after my last date (if you can even call it that), getting 75 cats and dying alone looks pretty good.

I’ve known the guy for a while; I met him a couple years ago when I ran into a mutual friend who was having drinks with him. We hit it off from the start from what I can remember, but he had just had a baby, and things weren’t going well with his baby momma, etc. It didn’t go anywhere beyond some Facebook comments here and there.

After him and the kid’s mom broke up, our mutual friend tried to set us up. He was a good looking guy, and I liked his personality, so I agreed. He seemed hesitant though, so I didn’t push it, and eventually just gave up.

After I got laid off, I had an abundance of free time, which I wasn’t used to having. One day, I was pretty bored and decided to message him on Facebook to see if he wanted to meet for drinks. He told me he would message me in a couple hours and let me know. I took it as a no, and went to the nearest Whole Foods to drink $4 rose.

He did end up messaging me a couple hours later, to my surprise, asking where I wanted to meet. I chose a place halfway between where we both live. I’m not really sure what I was expecting to happen that night, but it definitely it wasn’t what I got.

I arrived a little early, and sat at the bar to grab a drink while I waited. When he did arrive, we exchanged pleasantries and I asked how he’d been.

“Not good.” He said.

Guys, I don’t care how bad things are. You never tell a girl you’re going out with for the first time that things aren’t good. I’m not really good with other people’s emotions.

I was hoping he’d stop there, but he didn’t.

“I just got out of jail on Monday.” He added.

I started scouting the emergency exits.

“My ex got a restraining order, and I just couldn’t leave the bitch alone so she put me in jail for 25 days.”

What the fu-

It was like a bomb that just kept exploding. I should’ve left after he admitted to being a stalker, but to be honest I didn’t wanna do anything that was gonna set him off so I stayed.

I thought we would have one drink and call it a night. Homeboy made one beer last three hours. The entire time talking about how women are to blame for men having anger management issues, and that every guy he met in jail was there because of a woman.

Meanwhile, I’m just mainlining vodka hoping the night ends soon.

He finally finished half of his beer and decided he was done. I thought I was in the home stretch. Then he decides he wants to go for a walk. I suggest going just outside the bar (still in full view of the bartender).

We get outside the bar and he suddenly hugs me.

“I feel like you don’t wanna hug me.” He says. I tell him I’m just not a hugger, which is half true. But I was also internally screaming, “Yeah obviously I don’t wanna hug you you nut job.”

It lasted another hour after that. He whined the entire time, partially about how terrible women are, and partially about how many mosquitoes there were outside. Outside, where he insisted we go instead of staying in the bar….or just going home.

Finally, we said goodbye and he kissed me.

It was painful. Not physically, but painful as in it was clear that neither of us wanted it to happen. But it was happening, and it was super forced and super awkward.

We said we’d keep in touch. I blocked him on every possible social media avenue possible as soon as I got home.

I need to stop letting my friends play matchmaker.

Same Mistake

It seems like I always hear from the person I don’t want to hear from at exactly the time I don’t want to hear from them, and for whatever reason, it usually involves some sort of meme. I usually pride myself on my ability to let shit go, but for some unknown reason, this was one that I just couldn’t.

It happened a few months ago, I met a guy on tinder, and he asked me to dinner. I agreed to go, which broke my first rule of dating (never do a meal as a first date) and figured maybe I could steer the date into just drinks. After he asked me out I didn’t hear from him for a few days, so honestly, I was starting to think I was being catfished. I half expected to show up at the bar and have him just not show up.  He did, and I had a great time but he didn’t kiss me at the end of the date so I figured he probably wasn’t interested, which was fine, I was just gonna move on and keep on swiping.

I was more than a little surprised when he asked me to meet him again, but also glad because I had a good time with him which is rare on a first date. He had also found my tinder Instagram before we met up that first time and still wanted to meet me, so at the very least he had a sense of humor. Things were going well, or so I thought. I had decided to deactivate my dating apps, and I was getting really comfortable with the idea of regular sex and a drinking buddy.

Things started to look like they were going to get serious, I started telling my friends and family about him, and that’s when he broke things off with me. In a text, while I was at dinner with my mom with no real explanation as to why. I was pretty upset (like shed a tear in the restaurant upset….. and I didn’t even know I had tear ducts), but if he didn’t think things were going to work between us I wasn’t going to beg him to want to be with me. I kind of got the feeling he was looking for me to fight him on it, and the old me probably would have. But at this point, I’ve learned that 75% of the issues in my life could have been avoided if  I had just held the door open for the people who wanted to walk out of it rather than beg them to stay. So even though I was hurt and disappointed I just let it go.

As much as it sucked I wasn’t surprised. I had checked his tinder profile once or twice just because I was nosy and noticed that he had updated his profile. It was still pretty early on so I wasn’t going to bring it up until I had to, but since he ended things with me three days later it became a non-issue.

Of course, because I had told my friends and family about him I had to have obligatory “oh it didn’t work out I’m just gonna get a bunch of cats and die instead” conversation whenever they asked about it. They kept saying I would hear from him again but I didn’t really believe it or really want to to be honest. I deleted his number and any other semblance of him in my life, reactivated my tinder and slept with some 21 year old boy to numb my pain (because the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else right?).

Just when I started to forget about it I noticed him looking at my Instagram story for my tinder page. I was going to call him out about it, but my sister (and my voice of reason) told me to just block him and not think about it. So that’s what I did.

There were a few different times I almost reached out to him because something reminded me of him, but I refuse to be that person who doesn’t let go. Especially with someone, I didn’t know that well to begin with, and especially with someone who didn’t see how awesome I was. I made myself a promise a long time ago that I was never going to beg another person to give a shit about me ever again, and I won’t. After my last relationship ended I decided I was going to stop giving people so many chances. Mostly in relationships but I guess I should really carry that over to my friendships as well. 90% of the trauma that’s happened in my life could’ve been avoided if I hadn’t given the men I was with so many extra chances and opportunities to treat me like shit. It’s not that I’m punishing people in my present for the mistakes of my past, it a matter of knowing my own worth and expecting the people in my life to recognize it as well.

I had finally stopped thinking about him when I got laid off. The day I wrote my post about it I got a message on my personal Instagram. It was from him, and it was, of course, a meme because that’s what every guy uses to get to me when they really wanna get to me. I could’ve just ignored it, but someone pointed out that he had clearly read my blog post earlier in the day and that it wasn’t a coincidence, and I am clearly at a weak point in my life so instead it sent me into kind of a tailspin.

Even though the rational side of me knew that he didn’t somehow realize he made a mistake and he wasn’t making any sort of effort to rekindle anything with me I started overthinking it. I  started rethinking my whole no second chance thing, maybe if he was reaching out to try and start things again that I was being too harsh by not giving him a second chance. In reality, it was just a meme, not some gesture to try and get in touch with me again. I should’ve just blocked him and moved onIMG_3208, but obviously, my irrational ass didn’t do that. Fueled by tequila and a slight bit of rage,  I instead sent this message…. like two weeks later. I’m not even sure why I did it, it wasn’t going to change anything, In reality, he didn’t give a shit about me- and even if he did I know better than to spend any more time on someone who didn’t realize how great I was the first time around. If I can be completely honest though, even if I did sound kind of like a crazy person it actually did make me feel better.

I pride myself on taking all the bad things that happened to me and using them to make me better and not bitter, but somehow I feel like maybe I am being slightly bitter by completely cutting out the opportunities for second chances. Maybe it’s not about giving chances but about learning to recognize red flags and not make excuses for them. It doesn’t matter in this situation, that’s a dead issue, but I also don’t want to spend the rest of my life running from things because I’m afraid of wasting any more time or repeating the mistakes of my past.

Last Time

This morning, I woke up in a hotel room with someone I definitely shouldn’t have woken up next to. Let’s just say I now know how it feels to wake up in the morning feeling like P. Diddy.

It started a few months ago when we matched on Tinder. He was here on business, and I was in a five month dry-spell. We talked for a few days, eventually meeting in his hotel room to split a pizza and a bottle of vodka.

He was interesting, and he made me laugh. We had a lot in common, including a nasty divorce (or so I thought). I was actually kind of bummed he was leaving the next day. In normal circumstances I wouldn’t have hooked up with him, but he was leaving and I needed to end my dry spell.

The next day, his whole divorce story unraveled. I found out he was still married, which in hindsight I should have seen coming. I confronted him about it, and he gave me this big story about how terrible she was, and how he was trying to leave her but he didn’t want to lose his kid, and how she kept threatening to kill herself whenever he tried to leave.

The typical cheating guy narrative, I’ve heard it before. It’s the same narrative my ex-husband gave the multiple women he cheated on me with, and the same narrative a guy I had dated for a couple months gave me when I found out he was married as well.

Here’s the thing about men who cheat. Men don’t cheat because their wives or girlfriends are terrible or crazy, and they don’t cheat because you are something special.

Men cheat because of a problem with them.

No matter how bad any of my relationships ended up, I never cheated. I never even gave consideration to cheating. But just so we’re clear, I did act crazy when I was with my ex-husband. However, anyone would be crazy when an emotionally abusive, manipulative person was stealing all your money and not coming home for days. I knew he was cheating, long before I was ready to admit it to myself. I believe other women are the same way. So if that’s crazy, then I guess we’re crazy.

Also, kids are a bad reason to stay in a relationship that’s unhappy. Staying together for your kids just teaches your kids to do the same thing. It’s perpetuating the same behavior.

After I found out he was married, he asked me if we could still be friends. I said yes, but I thought it was one of those things where you say you’re going to do something because you know the chances of it ever actually coming up again are really slim to non-existent, and even if it did come up you didn’t have any intention of following through with it.

I heard from him every once in a while after that. I was pretty unfriendly, so I figured he’d get sick of me eventually. I hadn’t heard from him in a month or two when he reached out to me in April saying he was in town for business and wanted to meet for a drink to apologize for lying to me.

To be honest, I was deep into my health shit at the time so I was feeling a little vulnerable, and a lot angry. I figured it would be a good opportunity to tell him what a shit I thought he was to his face, so I agreed to meet with him.

Telling him off wasn’t nearly as satisfying as I thought it would be, in the end. He just took it because he knew it was wrong. Once I was done ripping him a new asshole, we actually had an okay time. He’s decent company if you can keep him at a distance and get over the fact that he’s kind of a scumbag. Nothing sexual between us, just two friends catching up over drinks. After that, I didn’t hear from him again. I actually started to forget about the whole thing.

Then he texted me Monday night. He was in the area for the night and invited to meet him for drinks. We’d had a decent time the last time I saw him, so I figured it would be good to get out of the house and talk to someone who didn’t have four legs and a tail.

I was also in the middle of having my 17th breakdown about WTF I should do with my life, now that this job didn’t work out. Obviously since I’m unemployed, I have an abundance of free time that I’m not used to having, and very little funds. I’ve actually had to reel myself in since losing my job, since I have been spending money like a Kardashian for the last 8 months.

I maybe went a little harder on the vodka than I should’ve, and the half bottle of champagne after didn’t help either. When I woke up the next morning I knew I was in a bed and I was afraid to open my eyes. The first thing I thought was “ok I’m in a bed, I really hope I didn’t drive last night“. The second thing was “I hope to God I’m in this bed alone“.

I wasn’t alone. However, nothing happened between us. We still had our clothes on.

When I started to remember where I was and how I got there, my massive hangover and I quickly made an exit. Even though nothing but sleeping happened, I feel pretty shitty about it. I’m thankful he didn’t let me drive home, but needless to say that friendship is over. It really never should have even started.

Men and women can absolutely be friends, they just probably shouldn’t be friends after one of them lies about being married.

Just a Friend

Modern dating is lazy.

With the rise of dating apps (like Tinder), we have mediocre sex readily available in the palm of our hands 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. It’s no surprise that no one actually wants to go on dates, or take the time to get to know each other anymore. Everyone just wants to bang.

Personally,  for every one date I go on I had to wade through 150 Sultans of Snatch . Here’s how you spot one: they think they are king of the clitoris, and they aren’t interested in getting together unless it means them getting laid.

It seems like every conversation lately is the same:

  1. They ask me what I’m looking for.
  2. I respond facetiously with something along the lines of “the love of my life”, or my personal favorite, “a victim for my human sacrifice”.
  3. They respond with “I’m just looking for a fwb and see what happens”.

I can’t even begin to tell you how incredibly lazy this is.

I’ve hooked up with plenty of these “see where it goes” guys. Spoiler, 9 times out of 10, it never goes anywhere except a random 2 am “you up” text every couple of months. I can guarantee you that I am almost never up at 2 am,  and if I am I probably don’t want your drunk ass near or in me.

Also, for whatever reason half the time when you tell a guy you’re not interested in casual sex, you get called “boring”. I’m not boring. I just know you’re too lazy to take a girl on a date before trying to hook up with her, and I know you’re probably not going to be very good anyway.

Example, I once hooked up with a guy who promised he was going to give me the best oral experience I was ever going to have in my entire life. Once he got down there, he didn’t do a damn thing. Absolutely no movement, and I wasn’t even sure he was breathing. I thought he died.

Once I realized I was wasting my best boob years on lame dick, I stopped the hook ups. I got nothing for it in the end, though I should get a trophy room full of Golden Globes, all in the category of Best Fake Orgasm. I would have a Hollywood Star at this point with the amount of orgasms I fake for “sex gods” who act like they’ve never seen a vagina before.

It is totally fine to not want a relationship, and it is totally fine to just want to get laid. For a long time, I was like that. You just need to be upfront about the fact that you are just looking to get laid by someone you never want to talk to again. There are plenty of people out there looking for the same thing.

I’ll be honest- I have a FWB. But in my situation, the intent was never to ” see what happens”. At the beginning of our arrangement, we had an honest discussion about what we expected of our arrangement. There was never any sort of gray area. He is younger than me (but not creepily so),  and we are at different points in our lives where a relationship could never work between us.

He is very aware that I am dating, and if I were to pursue a relationship with someone else then things between us would end. We are the very bare minimum level of friendship. We don’t cuddle. We don’t hang out. Just sex that is satisfying for both of us while we seek to date other people who are more appropriate for the point we are at in our lives. No confusion, and no hurt feelings.

Telling me you want to “start as FWB” tells me that you don’t want to put in the effort to get to know me before sleeping with me. Despite this, you hope I will sleep with you anyway, we have enough sex and we tolerate each other well enough to move onto a “real” relationship, and BOOM. Instant relationship, with minimal effort on your part.

Maybe this has worked for some people, but in my experience, a relationship where the foundation is sex doesn’t work.

Fun fact, this is how my last relationship started. I was fresh out of a bad marriage, and didn’t know how to be alone. I wound up in this FWB relationship that eventually became a “real” relationship. I was lonely, and he needed someone who was going to take care of him. We got comfortable in this toxic, but mutually beneficial relationship.

It came to a screeching halt when I finally realized after four years that he didn’t mean it when he said he loved me. I realized, too late, actions speak louder than words.

It took me four unhappy years to realize that a mature relationship didn’t mean having to act as someone’s mom. I decided that being alone and unhappy was much better than being with someone, and still feeling alone and unhappy.

Chasing Waterfalls

Being the last single friend in your friend group is difficult for many reasons, the most difficult being that you have so many well-intending friends and their spouses are constantly trying to set you up with their terrible single friends. Sure not every set up has been terrible and I know that my friends just want to see me happy and in a healthy relationship for a change but damn some of the most ridiculous things that have ever happened to me on a date have happened because I let my friends set me up. Blind dates may have worked for Meghan Markle but they sure as shit never worked for me.

Initially, when I moved to this city I made a lot of new friends. That heard has since considerably thinned but within that group was a guy that everyone wanted to set me up with. He was “a bit weird but needed someone like me to get him out of his shell” and “would definitely treat me better than anyone else I had ever dated”. At first, I was firmly against this because he was weird and not necessarily in a good way but after a lot of convincing, I finally agreed to hang out with him.

I had some friends over for dinner and they insisted on inviting him. I decided to go with it because if I at least gave him a chance it would shut everyone up, it wasn’t gonna kill me to spend a little time with him, and who knows- maybe we would’ve hit it off. We had pasta and I felt super awkward and got incredibly drunk because vodka is the most logical way to deal with any awkward situations. My friend went to sleep in my guest room which left me alone with this guy they were trying to set me up with.

My drunk alter ego has a bad habit of sleeping with guys I don’t want to see again the first time I meet them. So the next thing I knew I was in bed with this guy who was telling me he was into some “really freaky shit”. I had heard this before but usually, the freakiest shit most guys can come up with is like wanting anal, I figured it was that so I dragged it out of him (and for the record that NEVER would have happened). The next thing I knew he was asking me to pee ON him.

I thought that was like a fake porn thing that people weren’t really into but here I was with some guy I wasn’t even into asking me to pee on him. I know everyone has things they like but somehow I feel like that is not a thing you ask a girl the first time you go out with her, especially if you know you are going to have to see her again. In most situations, I would have run as fast and far away as I possibly could but we were in my house and there was only so much I could say at that point because I knew I was going to have to see him pretty often.

What made it even worse was that he would not leave. He stayed the entire night which I don’t even allow a guy to do unless I am seriously dating him and the next morning he kept trying to get me to take a shower with him. Like NO JUST LEAVE JESUS CHRIST IT IS WEDNESDAY MORNING AND I NEED TO GO TO WORK. I felt bad but like there was no way that was ever happening.

I learned a couple of valuable lessons that day. First- don’t ever sleep with someone you’re going to have to see on a regular basis if you aren’t sure they aren’t into some weird shit. Second- always keep a hammer next to your bed….. just in case.

28

I’m not going to meet my husband on tinder, or POF, or OkCupid- or any of those other websites for that matter. I mean- I wouldn’t be against it, and I wouldn’t shut down the possibility of a real relationship, but lets be real tinder and all those other dating aps are meant specifically for hookups. It’s just that I spent so much time over the past two years getting lame dick when I could have been asleep that I really don’t have the patience for it anymore. For real most of these guys couldn’t achieve a female orgasm if we came with an instructional video and a map. It got incredibly boring, and since I haven’t lived in this city very long and haven’t managed to make many friends  I started getting kind of lonely. After my 957th lame hookup I deleted the ap, but after a breif hiatus I got bored again- this time for different reasons so I decided to re download  and approach tinder differently, and actually date- something I have never done.

Since ending my hoe phase I’ve probably been going on 3-5 dates a week. Most of them were ok, just not people I wanted to see again (example: a 28 year old man still living at home because he “didn’t feel like paying bills”) or maybe the timing was off, or the initial date was great but the guy wound up being a huge flake.

Flakiness is one of my biggest pet peeves, seriously there’s  nothing worse than a guy who starts out really good but then can’t follow through with anything after the first date. Like I am a pretty understanding girl and I get that things come up but if you just blatantly bail on me or  frequently cancel or reschedule at the last possible minute I am not going to keep seeing you- no one is that busy that they can’t have common decency, if your that guy then really your just kind of a dick.

thumbnail (1)I also can’t stand guys who think that just because they spend an hour with you or buy you a couple drinks that they are entitled to sex. I got a message from a 33 year old man a couple weeks ago which was basically an overly worded version of him telling me that he would like to take me on a date but if he were to take me on a date he would expect some sort of sexual compensation – for example a hand job- to prove that I wasn’t just using him for free drinks or as a time filler. Yes- you did read that- a grown ass man asked for a middle school hand job in order to take me on a date. Like no thanks bro, I can buy my own drinks.

I want to preface this by saying that I’m not a paranoid person, but I also don’t want a CSI episode written based on my untimely death, and there’s only so many times I could’ve borrowed my neighbors stun gun before she started to question what I was really doing three to five nights a week that required a stun gun. And since I am literally summoning men from the internet to meet me in bars there is no guarantee that I won’t wind up in a dumpster so you really can’t be to careful because you just don’t know what your going to run into.

I once had to have the police tell a tinder guy to stop harassing me  (he literally sent 500drink-e1524011504368.jpg texts in one day and when i blocked his number he called me 65 times from a private number and left a bunch of crazy voicemails) so now I always make sure I share my location with a couple of people and for the most part I try to bring all first dates to the same two restaurants. One is a pricier restaurant that I really enjoy- where I sort of know a bartender well enough that he  would notice if something was wrong. I really only bring guys there if I feel like they would enjoy the experience and if I have enough cash in my budget to go halves because it is on the expensive side and I wouldn’t feel right going there with the expectation that he would pay for a 100$ meal for a girl he barely knows, isn’t going to get laid by, and chances are will only maybe see one or two more times before things fizzle out. The other bar is a more casual place with 5$ cocktails and a huge beer selection – cheap enough where I don’t mind paying for my own drinks if I have to and my friends boyfriend is a bartender there. I also feel like I have frequented that bar enough over the past year that people working there would probably notice if something was going terribly wrong, plus they have the best nachos in the city.

So with all those dates I figured someone had to have noticed that I am there usually sitting in exactly the same bar stool with  several different guys a week. I was actually starting to feel a little insecure about it, so much so that I had recently posted on facebook “how many dates can I bring to the same bar before the staff starts to notice- asking for a friend”. Most people figured they probably had noticed by now, but I got the real answer last weekend at my birthday party. I don’t care that I’m almost 30 I celebrate my birthday for pretty much an entire week.

I started my birthday weekend by getting wine and cheese and chocolate at that niceish restaurant that I bring some of my dates to with one of my friends from home. We got pretty friendly with our waiter and talked about some of our dating experiences. The next night a bunch of us went bowling and then out to the bars after. A couple of the waitstaff at the bar I bring most of my dates to were there and since my friend knew just about everyone  we started talking to them and I jokingly asked if they had noticed yet how many different dates i take to that restaurant. They do, and they eavesdrop and pretty much take bets (fair) and make sure the guy I’m with isn’t going to murder me, and for the most part they all think I can do much better than some of the guys I’ve been out with. I also ran into my waiter from the previous night who remembered me and my friend (first and last names) and gave me a code word to use to let him know if I was ever in trouble on a date, so that he could help me get out of it.

To be honest, these are the most comforting things anyone’s ever told me. It’s not that I don’t believe I can do better than most of the guys I’ve been going out with, but in a world that thinks you should settle because its better than being alone and I’m not getting any younger its nice to hear that, because as a person who did settle for 10 years for treated worse than shit by the men I was with because she had low self-esteem. I know for a fact that settling is not worse than being alone. That being alone and being alone is significantly better than being alone and being with someone. So its nice to hear that strangers think I can do better than most of these tinder idiots who for the most part are only slightly less lazy than the guys I spent the last two years just hooking up with because at the very least they will take a girl on a proper date before expecting to get laid.  But the most comforting part of all of it is knowing that despite the fact that I am at least an hour away from most of my friends and family there are still people out there who would notice and step in if something was going on wrong. It made me feel not quite so alone in a city where for the past year- even though I have been having alot of fun- I have felt pretty lonely and that was probably the best birthday gift that I got this year.