Kiss Kiss Bang Bang

A couple weeks ago I met this guy on OkCupid and he initially seemed like he was pretty cool. We talked for about a week or so before we made plans to meet for drinks. Somewhere between the bachelorette weekend I was on and the day we were supposed to meet up I started feeling like he was really full of shit about a lot of things. I like to keep an open mind so I decided that despite the fact that I wasn’t really feeling it I was going to go anyway. I have gone on plenty of dates that I really didn’t want to go on and wound up really enjoying myself.

I had had a particularly rough day at work before we met up for drinks so I wasn’t exactly on my A game, I probably should’ve canceled but I really need a drink and I was (am) pretty sure I was getting fired so I really really needed a free drink. Several free drinks so I sucked it up and met up with him. I was initially supposed to meet him at the beach but it was going to be a two-hour drive so we opted to meet somewhere halfway. It worked out that the halfway point was a bar I used to work for so we met there.

The date was fine, he was good looking but something about it was just so awkward. I just wasn’t feeling it but I couldn’t put my finger on why. Then he told me he was a “gamer” and it was kind of all downhill from there. It’s one thing to play video games and that’s fine I totally get that, it’s not really my thing but its a decent pastime but when someone refers to themselves as a gamer all I really see is like this middle-aged guy in his mom’s basement with the headset and a ketchup stain on his shirt telling 12 year old kids to kill themselves. He also told me that one of his major hobbies is political trolling on twitter. Think like Chrissy Teigan but probably less funny. There wasn’t anything particularly wrong with him but we just didn’t click.

When the date was over he wanted to take a walk on the rail trail behind the bar. The rail trail is literally an unlit path through the woods and I was really not about to enter the dark woods with a guy I had just met like three hours before. I was trying to nicely just say goodnight so I could do a lap around the building and eat some pizza (because I was starving) and get a couple more drinks but then he wanted to sit in his car since I wouldn’t go for a walk in the woods. The thing I dislike most when on a date is when a guy tries to make out with or bang you in his car after a first date. First of all- I am like 30, if I want to make out with you I will take you to my house, that I live in alone and do it there like a god damn adult. I’m not gonna take you to my tiny ass car so you can suck the soul out of me like a god damnd dementor. The first date is already awkward enough without someone trying to motorboat you in a Denny’s parking lot.

I am too nice to say no so I get in the car with him. The next thing I know he was like full on assaulting my face. I felt so weird about it that I had to actively stop myself from laughing. I felt like I was under attack. Just when I thought it couldn’t get any more awkward he bites me! But not in a good way- it was like he bit my entire mouth at the same time. I had to get out of the car or I was going to start hysterically laughing in his mouth so I made up something about needing to pee and that one of my friends inside was too drunk to drive home and I made my escape. I was super thankful that we had gone to a place where I knew people so I could use them as my out. About an hour later he texted me and apologized for our makeout session being “rougher than I’m used to”. ROUGHER THAN IM USED TO???? That was a full-on facial assault! At that point I knew I for sure had to end things before they went any further.

Over the next couple days I politely awkwardly distanced myself because I didn’t have the heart to tell him I didn’t want to go out with him again. Especially after he made a weird comment about being my boyfriend soon ( after one date…come on broooo). I think he eventually caught on because eventually he just sent me a bunch of weird Porn Hub memes and stopped texting me which I was pretty thankful for.

This post is dedicated in loving memory of Rudy Zuccaro 02.28.93-06.21.18

Pen Pals

One of the worst things about online dating, or I guess dating in general is this weird ass group of men who only want to sext you and exchange pictures. Like I don’t know about anyone else but I didn’t join tinder to find a pen pal. If I wanted one of those I would just write to someone in prison, they definitely need it more than your ass (probably) sitting in your mom’s basement fighting with 12 year olds on Xbox live (I’m not sure that’s even a thing anymore?), and it would probably be considerably less effort than having to talk to most of these guys.

These guys come in many different shapes and sizes. First there’s the ever-present “send a pic hun” guy. Something about a guy calling me hun literally makes me gag but that’s a me 1different thing entirely. They aren’t even necessarily asking for nudes, most of them just want you to send them a bunch of selfies.  First off -I am not a selfie person, not to say I don’t think I look damn good, I just don’t think I need to have 700 pictures of myself on my phone, I know what I look like and you messaged me on my internet dating profile which has like six pictures of me which means you also know what I look like. These guys usually do this at like 7 o’clock in the morning before  I have barely had my coffee. I think it’s because they think most women aren’t awake enough to reject them.  I will usually tell them I’m not into that or that I don’t really have any pictures to send. Then they want you to take one. Bro it is 7am, I have barely had my coffee and even if I didn’t think this whole exchanging pics thing was weird af I would not be starting any photo shoots to send you pics so you can jerk off to them later- sorry. If they really push it I do have a decent amount of super unflattering photos that I will send. Especially if they ask for something “sexy”. Sure- heres this picture of me eating cake in a sombrero… enjoy.

Then there’s the sneak attack selfie guy. It starts off as a fairly normal conversation and then all of a sudden you get some weird ass super unflattering way to up close picture of his face. And it always happens at like the weirdest times. One minute we’re talking about our plans for the weekend and the next thing you know you get the weirdest possibly worse picture someone has ever taken of themselves. I think they’re expecting me to say they look hot or something but it’s so awkward so I usually respond with something along the lines of “thanks for your face I guess” hoping they’ll feel as awkward as I do, or I’ll try to ignore it and hope it goes away. It never goes away, they usually follow it up by sending three more variations of the same picture (for good measure I guess) or ask”what did you think”. Like to be honest I think you should probably run these by a female friend before sending them to any potential women you might be interested in so they can tell you how fucking weird it is- but that feels mean and I’m not mean so “thanks for your face” it is. Like I have flat-out told men how weird and creepy I think it is and 10 seconds later I get a barrage of pictures, and when you don’t respond in a way that’s satisfying they get all mad because “clearly you’re not into this”- as if you didn’t just tell them you weren’t into four minutes before they decided to send it to you.

If they aren’t sending you  bad inappropriately timed selfies and begging for pictures they’re sending you dick pic. I would love to find just one woman who is really into the dick pic. Like unless your dick is covered in glitter I probably don’t want to see it. YannoDick pics what I do wanna see pictures of? Your dog- send me a dog pic that’s what really impresses me. I have  gotten so many dick pics since I got on tinder that I started responding to them with pictures of better looking dicks. Like originally I was responding to them with pictures of my cat (yanno- here’s a picture of my pussy) but then I got the idea to respond with pictures of better looking dicks and it was the smartest thing I’ve ever done. My favorite part is like you send them a dick pic in response to a dick pic and these guys so confused they are always like “why do I need this?”- well why did you think I need yours? Like we were just talking about the weather and now I have this picture of your dick looking like a shar pei, I didn’t ask for that. Now we both have a picture of something we didn’t need- you’re welcome. I really want to know how they think it’s gonna go down when they send something like that. Do they think theirs is like the first one I’ve ever seen? I have news for you- your girl has seen quite a few dicks in her day and if you’ve seen one you’ve seen them all. They also seem to always want naked pictures of you. I have had several guys even go as far as offering me money for nudes. The other day I had a guy offer me $100 for nudes (including a picture of my asshole….who the hell is even capable of doing that? I am dying to know) and $200 for sex (which seems like an unfair trade considering he was offering $100 for a “spread” of pictures). I told him that seemed pretty hookery, and he told me I was “only a hooker if I do it all the time”. Solid logic I guess. Like yeah guys I have pretty amazing boobs but you can’t just go around showing strange men all the amazing things about yourself without making them work for it at least a little.

Last- my least favorite, are the sexters. These guys don’t even want to pretend they give a shit about how your day went. You barely even get a hello out and all of a sudden its like your under attack. I am totally not a prude either, like in the right situation I can get totally down with the dirty pictures and the dirty text messages- but not with some guy I just started talking to four minutes ago. No random guy has ever initiated a dirty conversation with me and I’ve just been like damn this is so great I hope this continues. These are the guys who always want to talk about what a huge dick they have too. I am a firm believer that it’s not the size of the ship its the motion of the ocean but have you ever noticed that no matter how many guys you talk to they all have 8+ inch dicks. And even with photographic proof of their four-inch wonder they still wanna act like its gonna be the biggest thing you’ve. Listen bro I have seen a measuring tape a few times in my day and I can tell the difference between a 5 inches and 8 inches, you aren’t fooling anyone except yourself buddy.

There are so many guys out there who are incapable of carrying on a normal conversation. God forbid they don’t get the response they want then they start getting hostile. If you don’t ohh and ahh over their weird selfie or the dick pic you never asked for all of a sudden your fat and ugly and unworthy of their shrivel dick in the first place.  Like I’m fat but you’re the fucking weirdo who can’t step out from behind your cell phone to get to know a girl before you start acting like a sexual predator. Like nobody asked for this? I thought we were going to have a friendly conversation about our likes and dislikes but all of a sudden you’re having a tantrum because you aren’t getting enough attention in the middle of a work day.