Jailhouse rock

Second biggest fear: I settle for someone not right for me, just so I don’t end up dying alone with a bunch of cats.

First biggest fear: I die alone with a bunch of cats.

However, after my last date (if you can even call it that), getting 75 cats and dying alone looks pretty good.

I’ve known the guy for a while; I met him a couple years ago when I ran into a mutual friend who was having drinks with him. We hit it off from the start from what I can remember, but he had just had a baby, and things weren’t going well with his baby momma, etc. It didn’t go anywhere beyond some Facebook comments here and there.

After him and the kid’s mom broke up, our mutual friend tried to set us up. He was a good looking guy, and I liked his personality, so I agreed. He seemed hesitant though, so I didn’t push it, and eventually just gave up.

After I got laid off, I had an abundance of free time, which I wasn’t used to having. One day, I was pretty bored and decided to message him on Facebook to see if he wanted to meet for drinks. He told me he would message me in a couple hours and let me know. I took it as a no, and went to the nearest Whole Foods to drink $4 rose.

He did end up messaging me a couple hours later, to my surprise, asking where I wanted to meet. I chose a place halfway between where we both live. I’m not really sure what I was expecting to happen that night, but it definitely it wasn’t what I got.

I arrived a little early, and sat at the bar to grab a drink while I waited. When he did arrive, we exchanged pleasantries and I asked how he’d been.

“Not good.” He said.

Guys, I don’t care how bad things are. You never tell a girl you’re going out with for the first time that things aren’t good. I’m not really good with other people’s emotions.

I was hoping he’d stop there, but he didn’t.

“I just got out of jail on Monday.” He added.

I started scouting the emergency exits.

“My ex got a restraining order, and I just couldn’t leave the bitch alone so she put me in jail for 25 days.”

What the fu-

It was like a bomb that just kept exploding. I should’ve left after he admitted to being a stalker, but to be honest I didn’t wanna do anything that was gonna set him off so I stayed.

I thought we would have one drink and call it a night. Homeboy made one beer last three hours. The entire time talking about how women are to blame for men having anger management issues, and that every guy he met in jail was there because of a woman.

Meanwhile, I’m just mainlining vodka hoping the night ends soon.

He finally finished half of his beer and decided he was done. I thought I was in the home stretch. Then he decides he wants to go for a walk. I suggest going just outside the bar (still in full view of the bartender).

We get outside the bar and he suddenly hugs me.

“I feel like you don’t wanna hug me.” He says. I tell him I’m just not a hugger, which is half true. But I was also internally screaming, “Yeah obviously I don’t wanna hug you you nut job.”

It lasted another hour after that. He whined the entire time, partially about how terrible women are, and partially about how many mosquitoes there were outside. Outside, where he insisted we go instead of staying in the bar….or just going home.

Finally, we said goodbye and he kissed me.

It was painful. Not physically, but painful as in it was clear that neither of us wanted it to happen. But it was happening, and it was super forced and super awkward.

We said we’d keep in touch. I blocked him on every possible social media avenue possible as soon as I got home.

I need to stop letting my friends play matchmaker.

Same Mistake

It seems like I always hear from the person I don’t want to hear from at exactly the time I don’t want to hear from them, and for whatever reason, it usually involves some sort of meme. I usually pride myself on my ability to let shit go, but for some unknown reason, this was one that I just couldn’t.

It happened a few months ago, I met a guy on tinder, and he asked me to dinner. I agreed to go, which broke my first rule of dating (never do a meal as a first date) and figured maybe I could steer the date into just drinks. After he asked me out I didn’t hear from him for a few days, so honestly, I was starting to think I was being catfished. I half expected to show up at the bar and have him just not show up.  He did, and I had a great time but he didn’t kiss me at the end of the date so I figured he probably wasn’t interested, which was fine, I was just gonna move on and keep on swiping.

I was more than a little surprised when he asked me to meet him again, but also glad because I had a good time with him which is rare on a first date. He had also found my tinder Instagram before we met up that first time and still wanted to meet me, so at the very least he had a sense of humor. Things were going well, or so I thought. I had decided to deactivate my dating apps, and I was getting really comfortable with the idea of regular sex and a drinking buddy.

Things started to look like they were going to get serious, I started telling my friends and family about him, and that’s when he broke things off with me. In a text, while I was at dinner with my mom with no real explanation as to why. I was pretty upset (like shed a tear in the restaurant upset….. and I didn’t even know I had tear ducts), but if he didn’t think things were going to work between us I wasn’t going to beg him to want to be with me. I kind of got the feeling he was looking for me to fight him on it, and the old me probably would have. But at this point, I’ve learned that 75% of the issues in my life could have been avoided if  I had just held the door open for the people who wanted to walk out of it rather than beg them to stay. So even though I was hurt and disappointed I just let it go.

As much as it sucked I wasn’t surprised. I had checked his tinder profile once or twice just because I was nosy and noticed that he had updated his profile. It was still pretty early on so I wasn’t going to bring it up until I had to, but since he ended things with me three days later it became a non-issue.

Of course, because I had told my friends and family about him I had to have obligatory “oh it didn’t work out I’m just gonna get a bunch of cats and die instead” conversation whenever they asked about it. They kept saying I would hear from him again but I didn’t really believe it or really want to to be honest. I deleted his number and any other semblance of him in my life, reactivated my tinder and slept with some 21 year old boy to numb my pain (because the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else right?).

Just when I started to forget about it I noticed him looking at my Instagram story for my tinder page. I was going to call him out about it, but my sister (and my voice of reason) told me to just block him and not think about it. So that’s what I did.

There were a few different times I almost reached out to him because something reminded me of him, but I refuse to be that person who doesn’t let go. Especially with someone, I didn’t know that well to begin with, and especially with someone who didn’t see how awesome I was. I made myself a promise a long time ago that I was never going to beg another person to give a shit about me ever again, and I won’t. After my last relationship ended I decided I was going to stop giving people so many chances. Mostly in relationships but I guess I should really carry that over to my friendships as well. 90% of the trauma that’s happened in my life could’ve been avoided if I hadn’t given the men I was with so many extra chances and opportunities to treat me like shit. It’s not that I’m punishing people in my present for the mistakes of my past, it a matter of knowing my own worth and expecting the people in my life to recognize it as well.

I had finally stopped thinking about him when I got laid off. The day I wrote my post about it I got a message on my personal Instagram. It was from him, and it was, of course, a meme because that’s what every guy uses to get to me when they really wanna get to me. I could’ve just ignored it, but someone pointed out that he had clearly read my blog post earlier in the day and that it wasn’t a coincidence, and I am clearly at a weak point in my life so instead it sent me into kind of a tailspin.

Even though the rational side of me knew that he didn’t somehow realize he made a mistake and he wasn’t making any sort of effort to rekindle anything with me I started overthinking it. I  started rethinking my whole no second chance thing, maybe if he was reaching out to try and start things again that I was being too harsh by not giving him a second chance. In reality, it was just a meme, not some gesture to try and get in touch with me again. I should’ve just blocked him and moved onIMG_3208, but obviously, my irrational ass didn’t do that. Fueled by tequila and a slight bit of rage,  I instead sent this message…. like two weeks later. I’m not even sure why I did it, it wasn’t going to change anything, In reality, he didn’t give a shit about me- and even if he did I know better than to spend any more time on someone who didn’t realize how great I was the first time around. If I can be completely honest though, even if I did sound kind of like a crazy person it actually did make me feel better.

I pride myself on taking all the bad things that happened to me and using them to make me better and not bitter, but somehow I feel like maybe I am being slightly bitter by completely cutting out the opportunities for second chances. Maybe it’s not about giving chances but about learning to recognize red flags and not make excuses for them. It doesn’t matter in this situation, that’s a dead issue, but I also don’t want to spend the rest of my life running from things because I’m afraid of wasting any more time or repeating the mistakes of my past.

Last Time

This morning, I woke up in a hotel room with someone I definitely shouldn’t have woken up next to. Let’s just say I now know how it feels to wake up in the morning feeling like P. Diddy.

It started a few months ago when we matched on Tinder. He was here on business, and I was in a five month dry-spell. We talked for a few days, eventually meeting in his hotel room to split a pizza and a bottle of vodka.

He was interesting, and he made me laugh. We had a lot in common, including a nasty divorce (or so I thought). I was actually kind of bummed he was leaving the next day. In normal circumstances I wouldn’t have hooked up with him, but he was leaving and I needed to end my dry spell.

The next day, his whole divorce story unraveled. I found out he was still married, which in hindsight I should have seen coming. I confronted him about it, and he gave me this big story about how terrible she was, and how he was trying to leave her but he didn’t want to lose his kid, and how she kept threatening to kill herself whenever he tried to leave.

The typical cheating guy narrative, I’ve heard it before. It’s the same narrative my ex-husband gave the multiple women he cheated on me with, and the same narrative a guy I had dated for a couple months gave me when I found out he was married as well.

Here’s the thing about men who cheat. Men don’t cheat because their wives or girlfriends are terrible or crazy, and they don’t cheat because you are something special.

Men cheat because of a problem with them.

No matter how bad any of my relationships ended up, I never cheated. I never even gave consideration to cheating. But just so we’re clear, I did act crazy when I was with my ex-husband. However, anyone would be crazy when an emotionally abusive, manipulative person was stealing all your money and not coming home for days. I knew he was cheating, long before I was ready to admit it to myself. I believe other women are the same way. So if that’s crazy, then I guess we’re crazy.

Also, kids are a bad reason to stay in a relationship that’s unhappy. Staying together for your kids just teaches your kids to do the same thing. It’s perpetuating the same behavior.

After I found out he was married, he asked me if we could still be friends. I said yes, but I thought it was one of those things where you say you’re going to do something because you know the chances of it ever actually coming up again are really slim to non-existent, and even if it did come up you didn’t have any intention of following through with it.

I heard from him every once in a while after that. I was pretty unfriendly, so I figured he’d get sick of me eventually. I hadn’t heard from him in a month or two when he reached out to me in April saying he was in town for business and wanted to meet for a drink to apologize for lying to me.

To be honest, I was deep into my health shit at the time so I was feeling a little vulnerable, and a lot angry. I figured it would be a good opportunity to tell him what a shit I thought he was to his face, so I agreed to meet with him.

Telling him off wasn’t nearly as satisfying as I thought it would be, in the end. He just took it because he knew it was wrong. Once I was done ripping him a new asshole, we actually had an okay time. He’s decent company if you can keep him at a distance and get over the fact that he’s kind of a scumbag. Nothing sexual between us, just two friends catching up over drinks. After that, I didn’t hear from him again. I actually started to forget about the whole thing.

Then he texted me Monday night. He was in the area for the night and invited to meet him for drinks. We’d had a decent time the last time I saw him, so I figured it would be good to get out of the house and talk to someone who didn’t have four legs and a tail.

I was also in the middle of having my 17th breakdown about WTF I should do with my life, now that this job didn’t work out. Obviously since I’m unemployed, I have an abundance of free time that I’m not used to having, and very little funds. I’ve actually had to reel myself in since losing my job, since I have been spending money like a Kardashian for the last 8 months.

I maybe went a little harder on the vodka than I should’ve, and the half bottle of champagne after didn’t help either. When I woke up the next morning I knew I was in a bed and I was afraid to open my eyes. The first thing I thought was “ok I’m in a bed, I really hope I didn’t drive last night“. The second thing was “I hope to God I’m in this bed alone“.

I wasn’t alone. However, nothing happened between us. We still had our clothes on.

When I started to remember where I was and how I got there, my massive hangover and I quickly made an exit. Even though nothing but sleeping happened, I feel pretty shitty about it. I’m thankful he didn’t let me drive home, but needless to say that friendship is over. It really never should have even started.

Men and women can absolutely be friends, they just probably shouldn’t be friends after one of them lies about being married.

Plans

Do men think we’re just sitting in our houses staring wistfully out windows, waiting for them to come and whisk us away from our boredom? Cause if that’s the case, you’re going to find my ivory tower empty. I waved at you when I passed you in my car going to work.

I work two jobs, take evening classes, and I have two dogs (one of which requires a lot of care) so personal time for me is very rare. I am not about to waste it on guys who waste my time. I have 2,500 tinder matches. I can assure you, you aren’t special. If you aren’t going to make plans with me and follow through with them, there is another guy that will.

Another thing is, I’m a planner. I plan things ahead of time because I have so much going on in my life. But it’s almost like guys don’t get that for some reason.

I was talking to this guy on and off for a few weeks, and he kept asking me to meet him for drinks. But it was always last minute, and by the time the invitation came around, I had opted to pick up a bar shift instead. It beats sitting at home by myself and staring at the walls.

He was kind of a creep right from the beginning, but that’s partially my fault. I have this really bad habit of swiping right on guys with creepy or overly sexual profiles because I think its hilarious. This guy, in particular, didn’t disappoint. He kept telling me he had a dick with “7 inches of girth”, and that he was using a profile with a fake name and a bunch of headless pictures so he could “show off his bulge” without his friends knowing about it. I think it’s a lot of effort to go through to hide the fact that you’re being a creep when you could just not be a creep but to each their own.

He probably asked me four or five times to meet for drinks, but I’m a planner. I make my plans ahead of time and if I don’t have anything planned and the opportunity comes up to make money, I am going to take it. Rather than being understanding or attempting to make plans with me for a day I wasn’t working, he decided to chastise me, saying I “wasn’t making time for sex. Because “clearly money was the only important thing in my life”.

First, calm down dude. I like sex just as much as the next person. But you know what else I like? Having money to pay my rent on time.

The Convenience Guy. Then there are the men who think the sun rises and sets on their schedule. The guys who will make plans with you but never follow through with them. They will ask you on Sunday to grab drinks on Tuesday but then you never hear from them till they text you again the following Friday trying to make different plans to make up for the ones they didn’t follow through with, and when you call them out about blatantly blowing off your plans earlier in the week they tell you they got “busy”. I’m busy too but you know what I am never to busy for? Picking up my phone and rescheduling my plans if I know I can’t make it, I don’t just completely blow you off and then expect you to want to make other plans with me. These guys can’t understand why you don’t want to make new plans with them either, like sorry buddy but you only get one chance to waste my time.

The Flaky Guys. I hate flakiness more than anything, I have literally ended friendships with lifelong friends over it. The worst guys are those who are just blatantly flaky. They make plans with you that they either won’t be able to or are unwilling to follow through with, but still keep you on the hook until the last possible minute. As if they are the only person on earth you can make plans with.

Remember the guy who didn’t drink? It didn’t work out, but it had nothing to do with the fact that he didn’t drink.

I had a great time with him on the first date, so I agreed to meet him for a second date. I actually had a Saturday night off for the first time in like six months, so we decided to get pizza after I was done hosting a bridal shower earlier in the day. He texted me that morning and asked if we could meet earlier because he had forgotten he had to go to a going away party that night for a friend who was moving. I wasn’t sure when I would be back from the shower and suggested making plans for another night. He didn’t respond.

Once the shower started to wrap up earlier than I expected, I texted him again saying I  would probably be able to meet earlier. Again nothing. I didn’t hear from him until later (15 minutes after we were supposed to meet). He wanted to make plans for the next day. Obviously, I had figured out we weren’t meeting that day, but it was too late to make other plans. So I wound up in bed by 10pm, on the first Saturday I had off in months.

I totally understand the priority of seeing his friend whose leaving (which may or may not have been a crock of bullshit, who knows), but it’s not something that should have taken all day to figure out. I wouldn’t have cared so much if he had told me at 10am that another night would work better for him, but instead, he dragged it out the entire day until the last possible minute when he finally backed out. So, I decided that even though I liked talking & hanging out with him, I didn’t want to see him again.

My time is a gift, and if I am giving it to you- you better damn well take advantage of it, and if you can’t you better let me know with enough notice so that I can make other plans. I get that things come up and shit happens, but don’t be a dick, be respectful of other people’s time and let them know you can’t make it if you can’t make it. I spent my entire early 20’s waiting on men who couldn’t show up, I refuse to continue doing it for the rest of my life.

I’ve learned a lot since I last became single and started dating with the intention of possibly starting a relationship, the hardest lesson I’ve had to learn was not to ignore the signs even when I really liked someone. If something a guy was doing bothered me at the beginning of a potential relationship, it will only bother me more as time goes on. I learned to pick my battles in terms of what types of behaviors I could live with, and what behaviors I would consider deal breakers.   I have wasted so much of my life and happiness on people and situations that weren’t right for me and I don’t want to continue to do that because it’s only made me miserable.

Champagne Problems

Last night, I matched with a guy on Tinder who seemed really great. We talked for a while, and eventually he invited me to dinner. At that point, I was already in the process of cooking and couldn’t really stop and change my plans, so I asked him if he would be available to meet for drinks in a couple hours instead. He said yes, then added that he didn’t drink but he really liked ginger-ale. Cue internal screaming.

Lately, I’ve been encountering a lot of men who say they don’t drink, and every time I hear it I instantly lose interest. I know this makes me sound like a raging alcoholic, but hear me out on this.

Alcohol is not a deciding factor in my life, I really don’t drink that much compared to other people in my age group, but when I see myself in a relationship, I see myself with someone who will go out with me on a Friday night and have a few drinks in a beer garden, or at a bar. It’s something I could never really do in my previous relationships. If we’re being honest, getting either of my ex’s to even spend time with me was like pulling teeth.

If I am going to have a relationship with someone, I don’t want it to be another relationship where I have to do everything alone, or one where I get criticized by my partner for going out and having a couple drinks with friends. I literally spent 10 years in relationships where I had to go to events by myself because I had partners who didn’t drink. When I was able to convince them to go somewhere with me, most of the time they would sit and pout and be rude, to both to me and anybody with us. It was embarrassing, and I really don’t want to have to deal with a lifetime of similar situations.

My other reservation is like- what do you do on a first date then? I generally try to avoid going for a meal on the first date, opting for drinks instead. Drinks are fast and easy, 20 minutes tops, and there’s no pressure. And if things aren’t going well you can leave after one drink, rather than staying for an entire meal, which can be upwards of an hour or more. Also, if things aren’t going well during the meal, it honestly feels a lot like being held hostage.

I like the option of being in-and-out if I need to, and it’s also cheaper. If we wind up splitting the bill or I pay, I don’t end up spending a bunch of money when I didn’t have a good time. If he pays, I won’t feel so bad about not wanting to see him again.

Recently, my dating app conversations usually go like this- they ask if I want to get together, I suggest we meet for a drink, they respond with something along the lines of “I don’t drink but we can smoke a blunt if you want”, I tell them I don’t smoke, and plans are never made.

I don’t have an issue with weed, but all my last ex ever did was smoke weed to the point where we couldn’t do anything that didn’t revolve around it. He was constantly spending all of his money on it, to the point that I wound up paying for almost everything when we lived together. I know that in most cases this is not the norm. I also know that the real reason he was like that wasn’t because he smoked weed, but because he literally didn’t give a shit about me or anything I cared about.

Still, I can’t shake the internal cringe I feel every time a guy suggests smoking a blunt as a date. I know people are fully capable of smoking and not being a dick about it, but something about offering to take me on a “blunt cruise” as a first date is a real turn off.

Surprisingly, that’s not what happened this time around. He didn’t offer to “smoke me up on a blunt”, he just accepted my bull shit excuse and my promise that we could meet for an appetizer later in the week. He even continued the conversation. That was when I started wondering if I was just being a giant asshole in not giving this seemingly great guy a chance, just because he didn’t drink.

I am such a proponent of not letting the bullshit from your past relationships affect your present life but here I was doing exactly the thing I tell so many people not to do. So, when he gave me one last chance to meet him for appetizers that night, I impulsively decided I should just meet up with him. It wouldn’t kill me right? Plus, the meal I cooked sucked anyway.

We met for appetizers. He wound up being pretty great.

I still have my reservations about dating someone who doesn’t drink, but its only been one date. Also, if he can not be a dick about the fact that he doesn’t drink and I do, I think he and I could have a lot of fun together. I guess we will see.

 

Nice Guys

Yesterday a guy on Plenty of Fish told me he was a “nice guy”, but it hadn’t gotten him anywhere so now he’s going to “act like an asshole just like every other guy on POF.” He then followed up with asking me if I had considered that the reason I was still single was because I look like a Christmas tree.

While I am not really sure what he meant by that, I am pretty confident that it was not meant as a compliment but in fact a weirdly specific insult.  Somehow, I don’t think a “nice guy” starts a conversation by asking someone if they’d like phone sex at 8 o’clock in the morning. I’ll be honest- I don’t like much at 8 am. Phone sex with a stranger is certainly not on the small list of things I do like. I also don’t think a “nice guy” would follow up rejection with telling a woman she looks like a Christmas tree.

The biggest thing I hear from men is that “women don’t like nice guys.” This is a giant crock of shit- women LOVE nice guys. But it’s a fairly decent possibility that you are just not as nice of a guy as you think you are.

I am not saying this about every nice guy, there are plenty of men out there that are legitimately nice. These are generally not the fedora-wearing guys who advertise how nice they are, like they should get some sort of a medal for acting like a normal human being. Who also then call you a cunt when you didn’t throw them a parade for having the decency to say hello before they (essentially) whipped their dicks out and plopped them on your kitchen table.

There are different levels of “nice guys”, and being perpetually single I have encountered all of them. These are the guys who can’t figure out why women don’t like them, and don’t have the self-awareness to realize that women don’t dislike them for being nice, they dislike them because they actually aren’t nice at all. These men are very different men but they for some reason share the common belief: they are nice guys, so we should have sex with them.

The Friendship Guy. I first encountered one when a family friend tried to set me up with her brother-in-law. He was nice enough so I agreed to go out with him, but on the day of the date I felt really sick and had to cancel. I had intended to reschedule for a couple of days later, but he went on what felt like a campaign to catch me lying about being sick. Super unattractive.

I decided to keep things between us strictly platonic, since we would have to see a fair amount of each other and I didn’t want things to be awkward if it inevitably didn’t work out. I made it pretty clear that I just wanted to be friends and started dating someone else, and because I was close with his family we remained friendly right up until my relationship ended. My relationship with my ex ended up pretty toxic, so when it ended I decided I need to take some time to be alone and work out some of my issues that landed me in back-to-back toxic relationships. 

Instead of giving me space, he started to bully me into a relationship I neither wanted or was ready for, all because he was a “nice guy” and would be so much better for me than the other assholes I had dated. He spent months trying to convince me that he knew what was best for me, and when he finally got the idea that I was never going out with him, he started campaigning for me to just have sex with him. Because we were “friends” and its “only sex”.

So because he gave me friendship (sub-par friendship at that), he felt like I should, at the very least, have sex with him. Which honestly is just kind of gross. Don’t pretend to be “just a friend” when you have some sort of ulterior motive, and then complain about being friend-zoned when you can’t handle being friends with someone you have romantic interest in. Just don’t be friends with them.

Stop acting like you’re doing us some sort of massive favor by allowing us to friend-zone you.

The Drinks Guy (Take on Date, Buy Her Drinks, Profit). A couple months ago, I went on a date with a guy who told me, on said date, that he was going to be moving out of state in a couple months so he wasn’t looking for anything serious.

I had some health issues going on that prevented me from having sex, so I was upfront with him about what was going on health-wise, as well as upfront that I wasn’t really looking for a hook-up and didn’t really want to get attached since he was leaving. But I liked him and told him we could continue to hang out till he left, maybe at the very least as friends and see what happened from there.

After that first date, we continued to text but didn’t see each other again . Eventually, I would only hear from him every couple of weeks. I was dating other people, and had a small window of time where I could have sex before I wasn’t able to for a month. I decided to use it on someone I had zero-interest in seeing again, and it ended up being a pretty bad time, so I wrote about it (see my earlier post Harlot for that story).

I write my posts as things happen and schedule them to be published later, so the Harlot situation had actually happened two weeks prior to the blog entry posting. I had made the mistake of telling this guy about my Instagram and blog (something I definitely do not do anymore), so when the post went up he read about it. Coincidentally, a few days before he read the post he had texted me trying to make plans and how he wanted to “cuddle and stuff”. At the time, I told him again about what was happening with my health, and how it involved me not being able to have sex for a month.

 

As soon as he read it, I got a barrage of texts accusing me of lying to him about why I couldn’t sleep with him, even though he had taken me on a “nice date.” As if I owed him any more of an explanation than what I had given him the first time we met.

Not only that, but we went on one date and then didn’t see each other again. Even if I just wanted to sleep with him, when would I have had the time [did he expect me to contact him out of the blue]? Did he expect me to say to the other guy “oh no you’re kind of a dick and even though I could totally just bang you and never talk to you again and be 1000% fine with it, let me just call this guy I went on one date with and bang him instead because we did have a good time that one time.” On what planet does that even make sense.

The Insult Guy. These are the guys who wave the nice guy flag around everywhere they go. It’s in their dating profiles. They’ll constantly tell you how nice they are. They practically have a t-shirt made just to tell you that they are Nice Guys™.

They usually lead with something creepy and sexual (or both) and then get IMG_1752mad because you aren’t interested in their straight-up creepy advances. One minute you’re the most gorgeous

IMG_1751queen they’ve ever seen, the next they’re calling you a cunt and telling you to kill yourself. Just because you said you weren’t into anal on the first date.

I would imagine that these are the type of guys that just snap one day and become serial killers or something.

They are the loudest teller of tales of women not liking them because they are just “too nice.” They fail to include the part where they barely even say hello to a girl before asking what her thoughts on foot fetishes are.

Don’t get me wrong, there are a ton of guys who are genuinely nice guys. Most of whom are in relationships with women who appreciate them, because women do in fact like nice guys. They don’t need to advertise their niceness for the world to see, because it speaks for itself.

I have gone on dates with plenty of nice guys, but they aren’t as exciting to write about. Things just didn’t work out, and it had nothing to do with them being too nice. There are so many other parts to building a relationship than just the guy being nice. The bottom line: if you think you are a nice guy and women just aren’t interested in you, there’s a good possibility that the only person who thinks you’re a nice guy is you (and your mom probably).

Kiss Kiss Bang Bang

A couple weeks ago I met this guy on OkCupid and he initially seemed like he was pretty cool. We talked for about a week or so before we made plans to meet for drinks. Somewhere between the bachelorette weekend I was on and the day we were supposed to meet up I started feeling like he was really full of shit about a lot of things. I like to keep an open mind so I decided that despite the fact that I wasn’t really feeling it I was going to go anyway. I have gone on plenty of dates that I really didn’t want to go on and wound up really enjoying myself.

I had had a particularly rough day at work before we met up for drinks so I wasn’t exactly on my A game, I probably should’ve canceled but I really need a drink and I was (am) pretty sure I was getting fired so I really really needed a free drink. Several free drinks so I sucked it up and met up with him. I was initially supposed to meet him at the beach but it was going to be a two-hour drive so we opted to meet somewhere halfway. It worked out that the halfway point was a bar I used to work for so we met there.

The date was fine, he was good looking but something about it was just so awkward. I just wasn’t feeling it but I couldn’t put my finger on why. Then he told me he was a “gamer” and it was kind of all downhill from there. It’s one thing to play video games and that’s fine I totally get that, it’s not really my thing but its a decent pastime but when someone refers to themselves as a gamer all I really see is like this middle-aged guy in his mom’s basement with the headset and a ketchup stain on his shirt telling 12 year old kids to kill themselves. He also told me that one of his major hobbies is political trolling on twitter. Think like Chrissy Teigan but probably less funny. There wasn’t anything particularly wrong with him but we just didn’t click.

When the date was over he wanted to take a walk on the rail trail behind the bar. The rail trail is literally an unlit path through the woods and I was really not about to enter the dark woods with a guy I had just met like three hours before. I was trying to nicely just say goodnight so I could do a lap around the building and eat some pizza (because I was starving) and get a couple more drinks but then he wanted to sit in his car since I wouldn’t go for a walk in the woods. The thing I dislike most when on a date is when a guy tries to make out with or bang you in his car after a first date. First of all- I am like 30, if I want to make out with you I will take you to my house, that I live in alone and do it there like a god damn adult. I’m not gonna take you to my tiny ass car so you can suck the soul out of me like a god damnd dementor. The first date is already awkward enough without someone trying to motorboat you in a Denny’s parking lot.

I am too nice to say no so I get in the car with him. The next thing I know he was like full on assaulting my face. I felt so weird about it that I had to actively stop myself from laughing. I felt like I was under attack. Just when I thought it couldn’t get any more awkward he bites me! But not in a good way- it was like he bit my entire mouth at the same time. I had to get out of the car or I was going to start hysterically laughing in his mouth so I made up something about needing to pee and that one of my friends inside was too drunk to drive home and I made my escape. I was super thankful that we had gone to a place where I knew people so I could use them as my out. About an hour later he texted me and apologized for our makeout session being “rougher than I’m used to”. ROUGHER THAN IM USED TO???? That was a full-on facial assault! At that point I knew I for sure had to end things before they went any further.

Over the next couple days I politely awkwardly distanced myself because I didn’t have the heart to tell him I didn’t want to go out with him again. Especially after he made a weird comment about being my boyfriend soon ( after one date…come on broooo). I think he eventually caught on because eventually he just sent me a bunch of weird Porn Hub memes and stopped texting me which I was pretty thankful for.

This post is dedicated in loving memory of Rudy Zuccaro 02.28.93-06.21.18