Chasing Waterfalls

Being the last single friend in your friend group is difficult for many reasons, the most difficult being that you have so many well-intending friends and their spouses are constantly trying to set you up with their terrible single friends. Sure not every set up has been terrible and I know that my friends just want to see me happy and in a healthy relationship for a change but damn some of the most ridiculous things that have ever happened to me on a date have happened because I let my friends set me up. Blind dates may have worked for Meghan Markle but they sure as shit never worked for me.

Initially, when I moved to this city I made a lot of new friends. That heard has since considerably thinned but within that group was a guy that everyone wanted to set me up with. He was “a bit weird but needed someone like me to get him out of his shell” and “would definitely treat me better than anyone else I had ever dated”. At first, I was firmly against this because he was weird and not necessarily in a good way but after a lot of convincing, I finally agreed to hang out with him.

I had some friends over for dinner and they insisted on inviting him. I decided to go with it because if I at least gave him a chance it would shut everyone up, it wasn’t gonna kill me to spend a little time with him, and who knows- maybe we would’ve hit it off. We had pasta and I felt super awkward and got incredibly drunk because vodka is the most logical way to deal with any awkward situations. My friend went to sleep in my guest room which left me alone with this guy they were trying to set me up with.

My drunk alter ego has a bad habit of sleeping with guys I don’t want to see again the first time I meet them. So the next thing I knew I was in bed with this guy who was telling me he was into some “really freaky shit”. I had heard this before but usually, the freakiest shit most guys can come up with is like wanting anal, I figured it was that so I dragged it out of him (and for the record that NEVER would have happened). The next thing I knew he was asking me to pee ON him.

I thought that was like a fake porn thing that people weren’t really into but here I was with some guy I wasn’t even into asking me to pee on him. I know everyone has things they like but somehow I feel like that is not a thing you ask a girl the first time you go out with her, especially if you know you are going to have to see her again. In most situations, I would have run as fast and far away as I possibly could but we were in my house and there was only so much I could say at that point because I knew I was going to have to see him pretty often.

What made it even worse was that he would not leave. He stayed the entire night which I don’t even allow a guy to do unless I am seriously dating him and the next morning he kept trying to get me to take a shower with him. Like NO JUST LEAVE JESUS CHRIST IT IS WEDNESDAY MORNING AND I NEED TO GO TO WORK. I felt bad but like there was no way that was ever happening.

I learned a couple of valuable lessons that day. First- don’t ever sleep with someone you’re going to have to see on a regular basis if you aren’t sure they aren’t into some weird shit. Second- always keep a hammer next to your bed….. just in case.

The tipping point

Sometimes I wonder if I have become so comfortable and attached to my singleness that I’m unintentionally sabotaging potential relationships because I’m just not ready to give it up. I always start dating a guy and at first, he’s cool but after a couple weeks, I start finding something wrong and slowly but surely this (probably small)  thing becomes a massive deal breaker. Its like I’m the Goldilocks of men- Goldi-cocks if you will.

I once went on a few dates with a guy who was a restaurant manager. He was really nice to me whenever we went out but he had nothing to talk about except his job. He was so obsessed with his job that two of our dates were to the restaurant he worked at. I asked him what his long terms goals were, which for me means things like do you want to buy a house or have a family but the only goals he had were career goals and his career goals all had to do with this one restaurant he was working in. It got incredibly boring really fast- and I work in the industry so I get how consuming it is but he literally had nothing to talk about. He also treated the waitstaff like shit, he would go into “manager mode” (his words) and start acting like an asshole to whoever was taking care of us. It was obvious that he had never been a waiter ever and it was really embarrassing especially for me who waitresses part-time.

I really believe that the way a guy treats waitstaff is a really good indication of how they are going to treat you. So things, like being rude or not tipping the server, are huge issues for me.  I always make it a point to watch how much my date tips the waitstaff. Tipping is 20% if you are too cheap to give your server a good tip for decent service than I don’t have time for you. I have been on a ton of dates and I have never once had service that was so bad that it warranted a shitty tip. If you are having a good time with the person you’re with you shouldn’t even be focusing on the server.

Also, I know its 2018 but I literally cannot stand men who smoke pot. Like it’s not even about the pot-  smoke all the pot you want but it’s this whole 420 friendly stupidity that I can’t stand. I realize that the fact that I don’t smoke is like a rarity but like what if I told you that you could smoke weed and not have to talk about it all the time. Its the equivalent of a cross fitter or a strict vegan. I don’t feel the need to tell everyone I’m vodka friendly….  just smoke your devil’s lettuce and shut the hell up about it. As long as your not spending all your money on weed I could really care less if that’s what you do to unwind. We all have our vices, as long as you can support your habit, pay your bills you do you, but for most of these guys, this is like a lifestyle much like the “manager mode” guy I dated it doesn’t seem like they have anything to talk about other than smoking pot.

Maybe these things aren’t as big deal breakers as they seem. As much as I like to think I’m like the dream girl maybe I am just not as ready for a relationship as I thought I was. I feel like everything in my life is so up in the air right now. Like I’m not even sure what I want anymore. I have been feeling very out of place in my own life lately, I uprooted my entire life to take a job that I thought would advance my career but all that job has done lately is kind of make me sad. I kind of realized lately that I don’t know anymore where I want to end up, that I have always done things that weren’t right for me because I was afraid of hurting people or leaving people behind, and in doing so I was the one got left behind.

 

 

Familiar Faces

I first joined Tinder and Bumble two years ago about a month after my four-year relationship ended. After four years I finally realized I deserved better than what I was getting out of that relationship and after a month-long break, I realized that nothing was going to change so I let him know that he could stay in our apartment while he figured out what he was going to do but he and I would not be getting back together. Despite the fact that he was an asshole I felt bad breaking up with him and also making him homeless at the same time. I didn’t expect that it was going to take him like 8 months to leave or that I would have to practically threaten to change the locks and put his shit on the front lawn to get him to finally move out.

Anyway, I joined tinder and bumble about a month after me and my ex split, it was sort of complicated because we were still living together. I did manage to meet a couple people, including this one guy. It was one of my first ever tinder experiences and to be honest it was enough to make me run fast and far away and never look back. You ever see a picture of someone and you feel like the room they’re in looks familiar, or that they look familiar but you can’t quite put your finger on who they are or what it is? That was how I felt when I matched with him. The rooms his pictures in were super familiar and so was he and one of the girls in one of his pictures but I couldn’t figure out why. I figured the girl was his sister or something so I didn’t question why there was a girl in a couple of his pictures. We started chatting, he was super friendly and charming and he sent memes so when he asked me to meet up with him I immediately agreed. This was back in the days where I really thought true love could be found on tinder.

He wanted to come to my house but that was obviously a no go since my ex was living there and could come home at any time. I always tried to be super upfront about my living situation when I was meeting someone new because I felt like it as unfair not to be. I also tried to be fair to my ex and not have men that I was romantically interested in in our apartment while he was still living there, despite the fact that I am pretty sure he didn’t have the same consideration for me. I offered to meet him at his place but he told me he had terrible roommates. He then proceeded to spend about an hour talking all this shit about his roommates and how awful they were, and how they used to be cool until they got married and now they hate each other, so it appeared that going to his place was also out.

We decided to meet at a park in the town where he was living. My sister lived in the same town as him and since I like to let someone know where I’m going and who I’m going with I decided to send my sister a picture of him and his phone number just so shed know where I was and who I was with if anything happened. That was when I figured out why everything about his pictures looked so familiar. HE WAS MY SISTERS ROOMMATE. Not only was he my sister’s roommate, he was living with his girlfriend of 10 years. Not only was he not single, he had just spent an hour talking shit about my sister and brother in law. What a scumbag! it was not actually surprising that he was a scumbag once I figured out who he actually was, I had heard plenty of stories about him and the type of person he was when he wasn’t bullshitting someone trying to impress them.

Here’s a little background on this… My sister had been renting a house with her now husband for about five years before this incident. It was kind of far away from where me and all our friends were living and they had a series of really shitty roommates, and the worst of them was this guy and his girlfriend. I had really only been to her house a handful of times and during those times I think this kid and his girlfriend had only come out of their bedroom for a total of five minutes and didn’t even say hello. So it was not totally crazy that I didn’t recognize him or her or the rooms his pictures were taken in until she pointed it out to me.

I was literally on my way out the door when my sister told me that this was her roommate and he was living with his girlfriend of 10 years. So I obviously told him I wasn’t going to meet him and asked him if his girlfriend knew he was meeting up with women from tinder, and that he was a lying liar who lies. He acted confused because “he didn’t have a girlfriend” so that was when I informed him that we had actually met before and that the terrible roommates he spent so much time talking about were my sister and her husband. Rather than admitting defeat he tries to tell me that he and his girlfriend had actually broken up but were still living together much like me and my ex. He said they hadn’t told anyone about the split and begged me not to tell my sister because he “didn’t want to stress her out”, he also begged me not to tell my sister about all the shit he had talked about her and her husband during our conversation.

I was obviously sending her the screenshots of our entire conversation. I don’t know how she managed to continue to live with him after that and not bring it up but somehow she did, and he never knew that she knew absolutely everything he said. The tinder guy and his non-girlfriend moved out a few months later- together-and are now engaged.  As for my ex, he finally moved out right after Thanksgiving two years ago- 8 months after we had broken up. Things had gotten pretty ugly and when he left he tried taking one of my dressers becuse “I gave it to him” (I didn’t- I allowed him to use it while he lived here, hardly a gift) and he took the toilet paper when he left because “He paid for it” (it was one of the only things he paid for the entire time we were together but ok)- as if I didn’t pay in days of my life that I could have been enjoying for every day that I spent with him during our relationship.

Harlot

So every once in a while I go on what I think is the worst date I have ever been on. First there was the guy who called me a racist because of the town I grew up in (which by the way is not a racist town at all…??) and practically yelled at me because it was our second date and I wasn’t gonna bang him, Then there was the lion- who told me he wouldn’t tolerate coffee consumption because “thats an addiction”, and lastly there was the guy who never got his drivers license because of 9/11. They were not bad guys just really weird. But my date from last Thursday definitely won the gold medal when it comes to the dating Olympics.

He had been messaging me on and off for a couple weeks. He’d start a conversation and then disappear for a week or two, come back and pick up where he left off. I mentioned I was newish to the city and he offered to show me around, I figured it couldn’t hurt to see some new bars. I had been sort of sick to my stomach all day when he asked me if I wanted to get a drink with him. Despite the fact that I wasn’t feeling that great I agreed to go out with him. I figured I could be miserable at home by myself or I could go out and grab a drink- it wasn’t like I was going to feel any better whether I stayed at home or not.

We agreed to meet at 7- I even texted him at 630 to confirm that we were meeting at 7, so I was more than a little annoyed when he texted me at 7:05 to tell me he was 8 minutes away. I considered leaving, but I had put on real pants and makeup and I already had a drink so I figured the least he could do was pay for my drink if he was going to be almost 20 minutes late.

I assumed he was probably coming from work which would have been a reasonable excuse, I get held up at work all the time- I don’t usually wait until 5 minutes after I was supposed to be there to let someone know, but I consider myself to be an extra considerate person. I found out this wasn’t the case when he informed me that he was on disability and hadn’t had a job since 2004. I try hard to not be judgmental about people on disability but dude- you could have at least shown up to the date on time since you and I both know you weren’t at work. Things are going ok- they weren’t terrible, but he was alot older than his profile said he was, he hadn’t worked in a very long time, had no long or short term goals, and he had a criminal record. He just wasn’t the type of person I saw  a future with, but I was already there so I figured I would just see this one through.

At about the same point that I realized there was not gonna be a second date he tells me hes going to “go outside and bum some cigarettes”.  My 36 year old date then drags me outside in the cold to bum cigarettes from people smoking behind the bar. Everyone has their vices, I get it- but at 36 years old you should be able to support your own habits. At this point it becomes clear that I am probably paying for my own drinks. He asks me if I want to head to a different bar he wants to show me. I say sure, to be honest I don’t know why I didn’t end the date at this point- I still wasn’t feeling well, and I wasn’t having a particularly good time, but I’m a really nice person and he was having a good time so we paid our separate tabs and head to the next bar.

We get to the other bar and it turns out hes a regular there. He starts sharing stories with the other patrons, and I am feeling super out of place. We stay for an hour or so and then he tells me to grab the tab. I end up paying the tab for the last two drinks. So to recap- he’s bumming cigarettes, I paid for my own drinks at the first bar, and both of our drinks at the second bar.

I really should have gone home after that. But if were being honest I really needed to get laid, and I’m having minor surgery at the end of the month that will put me out of sexual commission for a few weeks so I figure I would seize the opportunity to get it in with someone I didn’t worry about impressing to much and didn’t plan to ever talk to again. He takes me back to his apartment on the other side of the city and we start getting down to business when all of a sudden my stomach ache gets worse. I start feeling really sick and tell him that I wasn’t feeling well and that I need to leave. He tells me its late and I should stay the night plus “he wants to keep banging”. I again reiterate that I am not feeling well and am going home. He disappears into the bathroom and I hear the shower running. So at this point I figure its pretty clear to him that I am not feeling well and I am leaving. I pack up my stuff put on my clothes and leave. 10 minutes later I get a barrage of angry texts about how I “just dipped” “wtf is wrong with you” and my personal favorite “your tits aren’t that great I was interested in your personality but that just went down the toilet good fn luck maybe you should try not going home with people the first night if your gonna be a whore and leave”. Like DUDE first of all calm down, your dick game was mediocre at best. Second of all did you want me to projectile vomit all over your studio apartment? What did he expect I was gonna do? “Be a whore” and move in as opposed to be a whore and leave? He didn’t even wait for a response he blocked my number and unmatched me faster than he turned that bar tab over for me to pay.

I mean I guess in hindsight I probably should have just thrown up in his bed. Like hey dude I’m having a bad night and now so are you- but I really thought leaving was the appropriate way to deal with it, and I really don’t know how much more clear I could have been. Not that I really care what an almost 40 year old who cant even pay for his own drinks thinks of me, it was more that I just couldn’t believe that this grown ass man was throwing a literal temper tantrum via text messages. I guess the moral of this story is if he’s lame in the streets hes gonna be lame in the sheets and hes probably going to call you a whore.

kajuana-marie-men-will-literally-nut-45-seconds-into-sex-and-29727025

Saint Gertrude of Nivelles… The Patron Saint of Cats.

I find it incredibly appropriate that March 17 is Saint Patricks Day as well as Saint Gertrudes day. Maybe its because I’m 1/2 Irish and almost every date I go on makes me want to get another cat (the count is at 3 right now- just so were clear).  Saint Patricks Day 2018 was a day that further solidified that maybe I should give up on men and continue on my path of Cat Ladydom.

In addition to a my full time job I also work part time in a bar that I’ve worked in since I was a teenager. Its an hour from where I  live now but I like working there because I know alot of the customers and I have been working there about 100 years so its comfortable, and without fail theres always something weird happening.

Last weekend I waited on a table of guys- and I am always super friendly and talktaive with my tables, partly because I’m friendly but mostly because I’m a waitress and it is literally my job to be nice to you. We wound up learning that one of the guys knew my little brother so we talked about that for a little while- the bar closed and I started heading home. I get a facebook friend request from one of the friendlier and better looking guys at the table. We had been joking earlier in the night about how bad we are at names so I decided to message him and comment on how proud I was of him for remembering mine. It was that moment where he unleashed his barrage of invitations for sex at his parents house (he was a college student about 22 years old home on break, and I am a grown ass woman who 1- doesnt sleep with customers and 2 doesnt sleep with boys in their moms basements) Here are some highlights “I’m not the kind of girl to come by at 130 in the morning- Good thing its 134 plus I came by your place all night so now its your turn” “Do you always try to booty call your waitresses? – No but I thought you were interested because we kept talking” and my personal favorite “if you ever wanna get dinner I am totally that kind of girl, I also make a great friend. – Well technically we already had dinner, I offered you cheesy bread- that is true I guess i better put out after all- yeah you should that was like a beautiful candle lit cheesy bread dinner”.

While all of this is happening a guy who had added me on facebook from tinder also started messaging me. I really need to stop letting the guys I’m trolling on tinder and POF add me on facebook/ snap chat/ follow me on instagram. It’s just getting to weird- I had let another guy add me on fb and he stumbled across my truelifetinder instagram page and now he wont stop sending me links to his facebook meme pages. THEY ARENT EVEN GOOD MEMES. I digress- so while this horny teenage boy is fb messaging me inviting me to his moms basement this guy that I let add me on FB starts sending me videos of him playing guitar.  No explanation at all just videos of him playing guitar and finally he says “this is just for you” I was just like oh…thank you? and starts going on and on about how he cant trust anyone other than his dog and how his dog is so scary and how he only talks to me because he wants to be my FWB but I wont let him be my FWB. At this point its like 330 in the morning at this point and I am getting a barrage of messages asking me if I want “DP” so I can see what i would get with “FWB” at this point I just stop responding because I have no idea what hes even talking about. I think I was just to tired at that point for it to register to me that “DP” meant dick pic.

Every day I am just one bad date or DM away from getting more cats. It occured to me last week that my only hobby is literally going on dates for free vodka and making fun of guys on the internet. So I have been valiantly searching for new hobbies for people who don’t have hobbies. So far Ghost Hunting, and Falconry are very strong possibilities for me. I actually have met one guy who I have been seeing for about a month so I have not actually been going on dates with anyone other than him.  But that is starting to slow down and I am starting to feel like we are at the end of that road- which is fine. He did warn me on our first date that he “is a rockstar and doesn’t play his cards right”. Which I guess would be what made him exactly my type. Maybe there will be more on this situation at a later date, but since I am sort of unsure where this path leads I don’t really want to say to much on that subject. So for now I will stick to sort of dating a rock star (I have been calling myself the future girlfriend of a rockstart, because lets face it he said something so ridiculous that he needs to be picked on for it for the rest of our time together”  and continuing to terrorize dudes on Tinder. I know I can still see other people but at the moment I just don’t have the energy to continue to go on 3 bad dates a week when I have a situation going thats sort of pretty ok maybe. So I don’t know whats gonna happen with that but maybe I’ll wind up getting myself a falcon and taking up falconry, or maybe I’ll volunteer at an animal shelter and take home a couple more cats. Maybe I can be the new patron saint of cats, its 2018 anything is possible.