Champagne Problems

Last night, I matched with a guy on Tinder who seemed really great. We talked for a while, and eventually he invited me to dinner. At that point, I was already in the process of cooking and couldn’t really stop and change my plans, so I asked him if he would be available to meet for drinks in a couple hours instead. He said yes, then added that he didn’t drink but he really liked ginger-ale. Cue internal screaming.

Lately, I’ve been encountering a lot of men who say they don’t drink, and every time I hear it I instantly lose interest. I know this makes me sound like a raging alcoholic, but hear me out on this.

Alcohol is not a deciding factor in my life, I really don’t drink that much compared to other people in my age group, but when I see myself in a relationship, I see myself with someone who will go out with me on a Friday night and have a few drinks in a beer garden, or at a bar. It’s something I could never really do in my previous relationships. If we’re being honest, getting either of my ex’s to even spend time with me was like pulling teeth.

If I am going to have a relationship with someone, I don’t want it to be another relationship where I have to do everything alone, or one where I get criticized by my partner for going out and having a couple drinks with friends. I literally spent 10 years in relationships where I had to go to events by myself because I had partners who didn’t drink. When I was able to convince them to go somewhere with me, most of the time they would sit and pout and be rude, to both to me and anybody with us. It was embarrassing, and I really don’t want to have to deal with a lifetime of similar situations.

My other reservation is like- what do you do on a first date then? I generally try to avoid going for a meal on the first date, opting for drinks instead. Drinks are fast and easy, 20 minutes tops, and there’s no pressure. And if things aren’t going well you can leave after one drink, rather than staying for an entire meal, which can be upwards of an hour or more. Also, if things aren’t going well during the meal, it honestly feels a lot like being held hostage.

I like the option of being in-and-out if I need to, and it’s also cheaper. If we wind up splitting the bill or I pay, I don’t end up spending a bunch of money when I didn’t have a good time. If he pays, I won’t feel so bad about not wanting to see him again.

Recently, my dating app conversations usually go like this- they ask if I want to get together, I suggest we meet for a drink, they respond with something along the lines of “I don’t drink but we can smoke a blunt if you want”, I tell them I don’t smoke, and plans are never made.

I don’t have an issue with weed, but all my last ex ever did was smoke weed to the point where we couldn’t do anything that didn’t revolve around it. He was constantly spending all of his money on it, to the point that I wound up paying for almost everything when we lived together. I know that in most cases this is not the norm. I also know that the real reason he was like that wasn’t because he smoked weed, but because he literally didn’t give a shit about me or anything I cared about.

Still, I can’t shake the internal cringe I feel every time a guy suggests smoking a blunt as a date. I know people are fully capable of smoking and not being a dick about it, but something about offering to take me on a “blunt cruise” as a first date is a real turn off.

Surprisingly, that’s not what happened this time around. He didn’t offer to “smoke me up on a blunt”, he just accepted my bull shit excuse and my promise that we could meet for an appetizer later in the week. He even continued the conversation. That was when I started wondering if I was just being a giant asshole in not giving this seemingly great guy a chance, just because he didn’t drink.

I am such a proponent of not letting the bullshit from your past relationships affect your present life but here I was doing exactly the thing I tell so many people not to do. So, when he gave me one last chance to meet him for appetizers that night, I impulsively decided I should just meet up with him. It wouldn’t kill me right? Plus, the meal I cooked sucked anyway.

We met for appetizers. He wound up being pretty great.

I still have my reservations about dating someone who doesn’t drink, but its only been one date. Also, if he can not be a dick about the fact that he doesn’t drink and I do, I think he and I could have a lot of fun together. I guess we will see.

 

Nice Guys

Yesterday a guy on Plenty of Fish told me he was a “nice guy”, but it hadn’t gotten him anywhere so now he’s going to “act like an asshole just like every other guy on POF.” He then followed up with asking me if I had considered that the reason I was still single was because I look like a Christmas tree.

While I am not really sure what he meant by that, I am pretty confident that it was not meant as a compliment but in fact a weirdly specific insult.  Somehow, I don’t think a “nice guy” starts a conversation by asking someone if they’d like phone sex at 8 o’clock in the morning. I’ll be honest- I don’t like much at 8 am. Phone sex with a stranger is certainly not on the small list of things I do like. I also don’t think a “nice guy” would follow up rejection with telling a woman she looks like a Christmas tree.

The biggest thing I hear from men is that “women don’t like nice guys.” This is a giant crock of shit- women LOVE nice guys. But it’s a fairly decent possibility that you are just not as nice of a guy as you think you are.

I am not saying this about every nice guy, there are plenty of men out there that are legitimately nice. These are generally not the fedora-wearing guys who advertise how nice they are, like they should get some sort of a medal for acting like a normal human being. Who also then call you a cunt when you didn’t throw them a parade for having the decency to say hello before they (essentially) whipped their dicks out and plopped them on your kitchen table.

There are different levels of “nice guys”, and being perpetually single I have encountered all of them. These are the guys who can’t figure out why women don’t like them, and don’t have the self-awareness to realize that women don’t dislike them for being nice, they dislike them because they actually aren’t nice at all. These men are very different men but they for some reason share the common belief: they are nice guys, so we should have sex with them.

The Friendship Guy. I first encountered one when a family friend tried to set me up with her brother-in-law. He was nice enough so I agreed to go out with him, but on the day of the date I felt really sick and had to cancel. I had intended to reschedule for a couple of days later, but he went on what felt like a campaign to catch me lying about being sick. Super unattractive.

I decided to keep things between us strictly platonic, since we would have to see a fair amount of each other and I didn’t want things to be awkward if it inevitably didn’t work out. I made it pretty clear that I just wanted to be friends and started dating someone else, and because I was close with his family we remained friendly right up until my relationship ended. My relationship with my ex ended up pretty toxic, so when it ended I decided I need to take some time to be alone and work out some of my issues that landed me in back-to-back toxic relationships. 

Instead of giving me space, he started to bully me into a relationship I neither wanted or was ready for, all because he was a “nice guy” and would be so much better for me than the other assholes I had dated. He spent months trying to convince me that he knew what was best for me, and when he finally got the idea that I was never going out with him, he started campaigning for me to just have sex with him. Because we were “friends” and its “only sex”.

So because he gave me friendship (sub-par friendship at that), he felt like I should, at the very least, have sex with him. Which honestly is just kind of gross. Don’t pretend to be “just a friend” when you have some sort of ulterior motive, and then complain about being friend-zoned when you can’t handle being friends with someone you have romantic interest in. Just don’t be friends with them.

Stop acting like you’re doing us some sort of massive favor by allowing us to friend-zone you.

The Drinks Guy (Take on Date, Buy Her Drinks, Profit). A couple months ago, I went on a date with a guy who told me, on said date, that he was going to be moving out of state in a couple months so he wasn’t looking for anything serious.

I had some health issues going on that prevented me from having sex, so I was upfront with him about what was going on health-wise, as well as upfront that I wasn’t really looking for a hook-up and didn’t really want to get attached since he was leaving. But I liked him and told him we could continue to hang out till he left, maybe at the very least as friends and see what happened from there.

After that first date, we continued to text but didn’t see each other again . Eventually, I would only hear from him every couple of weeks. I was dating other people, and had a small window of time where I could have sex before I wasn’t able to for a month. I decided to use it on someone I had zero-interest in seeing again, and it ended up being a pretty bad time, so I wrote about it (see my earlier post Harlot for that story).

I write my posts as things happen and schedule them to be published later, so the Harlot situation had actually happened two weeks prior to the blog entry posting. I had made the mistake of telling this guy about my Instagram and blog (something I definitely do not do anymore), so when the post went up he read about it. Coincidentally, a few days before he read the post he had texted me trying to make plans and how he wanted to “cuddle and stuff”. At the time, I told him again about what was happening with my health, and how it involved me not being able to have sex for a month.

 

As soon as he read it, I got a barrage of texts accusing me of lying to him about why I couldn’t sleep with him, even though he had taken me on a “nice date.” As if I owed him any more of an explanation than what I had given him the first time we met.

Not only that, but we went on one date and then didn’t see each other again. Even if I just wanted to sleep with him, when would I have had the time [did he expect me to contact him out of the blue]? Did he expect me to say to the other guy “oh no you’re kind of a dick and even though I could totally just bang you and never talk to you again and be 1000% fine with it, let me just call this guy I went on one date with and bang him instead because we did have a good time that one time.” On what planet does that even make sense.

The Insult Guy. These are the guys who wave the nice guy flag around everywhere they go. It’s in their dating profiles. They’ll constantly tell you how nice they are. They practically have a t-shirt made just to tell you that they are Nice Guys™.

They usually lead with something creepy and sexual (or both) and then get IMG_1752mad because you aren’t interested in their straight-up creepy advances. One minute you’re the most gorgeous

IMG_1751queen they’ve ever seen, the next they’re calling you a cunt and telling you to kill yourself. Just because you said you weren’t into anal on the first date.

I would imagine that these are the type of guys that just snap one day and become serial killers or something.

They are the loudest teller of tales of women not liking them because they are just “too nice.” They fail to include the part where they barely even say hello to a girl before asking what her thoughts on foot fetishes are.

Don’t get me wrong, there are a ton of guys who are genuinely nice guys. Most of whom are in relationships with women who appreciate them, because women do in fact like nice guys. They don’t need to advertise their niceness for the world to see, because it speaks for itself.

I have gone on dates with plenty of nice guys, but they aren’t as exciting to write about. Things just didn’t work out, and it had nothing to do with them being too nice. There are so many other parts to building a relationship than just the guy being nice. The bottom line: if you think you are a nice guy and women just aren’t interested in you, there’s a good possibility that the only person who thinks you’re a nice guy is you (and your mom probably).

Kiss Kiss Bang Bang

A couple weeks ago I met this guy on OkCupid and he initially seemed like he was pretty cool. We talked for about a week or so before we made plans to meet for drinks. Somewhere between the bachelorette weekend I was on and the day we were supposed to meet up I started feeling like he was really full of shit about a lot of things. I like to keep an open mind so I decided that despite the fact that I wasn’t really feeling it I was going to go anyway. I have gone on plenty of dates that I really didn’t want to go on and wound up really enjoying myself.

I had had a particularly rough day at work before we met up for drinks so I wasn’t exactly on my A game, I probably should’ve canceled but I really need a drink and I was (am) pretty sure I was getting fired so I really really needed a free drink. Several free drinks so I sucked it up and met up with him. I was initially supposed to meet him at the beach but it was going to be a two-hour drive so we opted to meet somewhere halfway. It worked out that the halfway point was a bar I used to work for so we met there.

The date was fine, he was good looking but something about it was just so awkward. I just wasn’t feeling it but I couldn’t put my finger on why. Then he told me he was a “gamer” and it was kind of all downhill from there. It’s one thing to play video games and that’s fine I totally get that, it’s not really my thing but its a decent pastime but when someone refers to themselves as a gamer all I really see is like this middle-aged guy in his mom’s basement with the headset and a ketchup stain on his shirt telling 12 year old kids to kill themselves. He also told me that one of his major hobbies is political trolling on twitter. Think like Chrissy Teigan but probably less funny. There wasn’t anything particularly wrong with him but we just didn’t click.

When the date was over he wanted to take a walk on the rail trail behind the bar. The rail trail is literally an unlit path through the woods and I was really not about to enter the dark woods with a guy I had just met like three hours before. I was trying to nicely just say goodnight so I could do a lap around the building and eat some pizza (because I was starving) and get a couple more drinks but then he wanted to sit in his car since I wouldn’t go for a walk in the woods. The thing I dislike most when on a date is when a guy tries to make out with or bang you in his car after a first date. First of all- I am like 30, if I want to make out with you I will take you to my house, that I live in alone and do it there like a god damn adult. I’m not gonna take you to my tiny ass car so you can suck the soul out of me like a god damnd dementor. The first date is already awkward enough without someone trying to motorboat you in a Denny’s parking lot.

I am too nice to say no so I get in the car with him. The next thing I know he was like full on assaulting my face. I felt so weird about it that I had to actively stop myself from laughing. I felt like I was under attack. Just when I thought it couldn’t get any more awkward he bites me! But not in a good way- it was like he bit my entire mouth at the same time. I had to get out of the car or I was going to start hysterically laughing in his mouth so I made up something about needing to pee and that one of my friends inside was too drunk to drive home and I made my escape. I was super thankful that we had gone to a place where I knew people so I could use them as my out. About an hour later he texted me and apologized for our makeout session being “rougher than I’m used to”. ROUGHER THAN IM USED TO???? That was a full-on facial assault! At that point I knew I for sure had to end things before they went any further.

Over the next couple days I politely awkwardly distanced myself because I didn’t have the heart to tell him I didn’t want to go out with him again. Especially after he made a weird comment about being my boyfriend soon ( after one date…come on broooo). I think he eventually caught on because eventually he just sent me a bunch of weird Porn Hub memes and stopped texting me which I was pretty thankful for.

This post is dedicated in loving memory of Rudy Zuccaro 02.28.93-06.21.18

Bad Romance

Have you ever had sex and it was so bad that you felt like you owed your vagina an apology when it was finally over? That was me Sunday night.  I have for the most part sworn off one night stands and fuck buddies, but I have been really in my feels lately trying to figure out what I’m doing with my life and just generally disappointed by dating in general so after dinner and a few drinks with friends when the opportunity for a hook up came about I took it.

I had recently changed my tinder settings to include men ages 21-35 which I think makes me a cougar but I’m not sure. I don’t really know why I decided to do it but I think it was a combination of me being sick getting weirdly timed poorly lit selfies from middle-aged men and I maybe had gone on one too many dates with men over 30 who for the most part haven’t learned that you cant hurt everyone who tries to care about you just because someone did it to you. On day one I matched with some 22-year-old kid who wasn’t far away from me. He was pretty adamant that he was going to somehow manage to rock my world. I guess I did kind of set him up for failure when he told me how women have told him how “good he was with his hands and tongue” to which I responded, “yeah no one is ever going to tell you it was terrible but thanks for playing”.

When he was messaging me earlier in the day I said it was a possibility. I knew I had been super in my feels and probably needed to get some and I also knew I was gonna have a few drinks so I figured I would leave it open-ended so that if I was feeling like I get some cradle robbing strange I would have the opportunity to. Around the 6th vodka soda, I mentioned that I might be into it. Next thing I knew he was in the car on the way to Worcester and at that point I felt bad about backing out so I just gave him my address.

So he comes over and he’s a nice enough kid. We start getting things going and he can’t uh… rise to the occasion. He starts losing his mind and literally SLAPS HIS OWN DICK. I’m just sitting there like woah- we are in my own house- how can I get out of this. I thought he was going to cry. He finally ends his limpdick induced breakdown and we start hooking up and suddenly I wasn’t sure if I had a vagina or a construction site down there because he was like a god damn jackhammer.  The whole ordeal only lasted about 20 minutes but damn it was the longest 20 minutes of my life. It was one of those experiences that made me wish I had never moved my emergency hammer away from next to my bed.

Chasing Waterfalls

Being the last single friend in your friend group is difficult for many reasons, the most difficult being that you have so many well-intending friends and their spouses are constantly trying to set you up with their terrible single friends. Sure not every set up has been terrible and I know that my friends just want to see me happy and in a healthy relationship for a change but damn some of the most ridiculous things that have ever happened to me on a date have happened because I let my friends set me up. Blind dates may have worked for Meghan Markle but they sure as shit never worked for me.

Initially, when I moved to this city I made a lot of new friends. That heard has since considerably thinned but within that group was a guy that everyone wanted to set me up with. He was “a bit weird but needed someone like me to get him out of his shell” and “would definitely treat me better than anyone else I had ever dated”. At first, I was firmly against this because he was weird and not necessarily in a good way but after a lot of convincing, I finally agreed to hang out with him.

I had some friends over for dinner and they insisted on inviting him. I decided to go with it because if I at least gave him a chance it would shut everyone up, it wasn’t gonna kill me to spend a little time with him, and who knows- maybe we would’ve hit it off. We had pasta and I felt super awkward and got incredibly drunk because vodka is the most logical way to deal with any awkward situations. My friend went to sleep in my guest room which left me alone with this guy they were trying to set me up with.

My drunk alter ego has a bad habit of sleeping with guys I don’t want to see again the first time I meet them. So the next thing I knew I was in bed with this guy who was telling me he was into some “really freaky shit”. I had heard this before but usually, the freakiest shit most guys can come up with is like wanting anal, I figured it was that so I dragged it out of him (and for the record that NEVER would have happened). The next thing I knew he was asking me to pee ON him.

I thought that was like a fake porn thing that people weren’t really into but here I was with some guy I wasn’t even into asking me to pee on him. I know everyone has things they like but somehow I feel like that is not a thing you ask a girl the first time you go out with her, especially if you know you are going to have to see her again. In most situations, I would have run as fast and far away as I possibly could but we were in my house and there was only so much I could say at that point because I knew I was going to have to see him pretty often.

What made it even worse was that he would not leave. He stayed the entire night which I don’t even allow a guy to do unless I am seriously dating him and the next morning he kept trying to get me to take a shower with him. Like NO JUST LEAVE JESUS CHRIST IT IS WEDNESDAY MORNING AND I NEED TO GO TO WORK. I felt bad but like there was no way that was ever happening.

I learned a couple of valuable lessons that day. First- don’t ever sleep with someone you’re going to have to see on a regular basis if you aren’t sure they aren’t into some weird shit. Second- always keep a hammer next to your bed….. just in case.

The tipping point

Sometimes I wonder if I have become so comfortable and attached to my singleness that I’m unintentionally sabotaging potential relationships because I’m just not ready to give it up. I always start dating a guy and at first, he’s cool but after a couple weeks, I start finding something wrong and slowly but surely this (probably small)  thing becomes a massive deal breaker. Its like I’m the Goldilocks of men- Goldi-cocks if you will.

I once went on a few dates with a guy who was a restaurant manager. He was really nice to me whenever we went out but he had nothing to talk about except his job. He was so obsessed with his job that two of our dates were to the restaurant he worked at. I asked him what his long terms goals were, which for me means things like do you want to buy a house or have a family but the only goals he had were career goals and his career goals all had to do with this one restaurant he was working in. It got incredibly boring really fast- and I work in the industry so I get how consuming it is but he literally had nothing to talk about. He also treated the waitstaff like shit, he would go into “manager mode” (his words) and start acting like an asshole to whoever was taking care of us. It was obvious that he had never been a waiter ever and it was really embarrassing especially for me who waitresses part-time.

I really believe that the way a guy treats waitstaff is a really good indication of how they are going to treat you. So things, like being rude or not tipping the server, are huge issues for me.  I always make it a point to watch how much my date tips the waitstaff. Tipping is 20% if you are too cheap to give your server a good tip for decent service than I don’t have time for you. I have been on a ton of dates and I have never once had service that was so bad that it warranted a shitty tip. If you are having a good time with the person you’re with you shouldn’t even be focusing on the server.

Also, I know its 2018 but I literally cannot stand men who smoke pot. Like it’s not even about the pot-  smoke all the pot you want but it’s this whole 420 friendly stupidity that I can’t stand. I realize that the fact that I don’t smoke is like a rarity but like what if I told you that you could smoke weed and not have to talk about it all the time. Its the equivalent of a cross fitter or a strict vegan. I don’t feel the need to tell everyone I’m vodka friendly….  just smoke your devil’s lettuce and shut the hell up about it. As long as your not spending all your money on weed I could really care less if that’s what you do to unwind. We all have our vices, as long as you can support your habit, pay your bills you do you, but for most of these guys, this is like a lifestyle much like the “manager mode” guy I dated it doesn’t seem like they have anything to talk about other than smoking pot.

Maybe these things aren’t as big deal breakers as they seem. As much as I like to think I’m like the dream girl maybe I am just not as ready for a relationship as I thought I was. I feel like everything in my life is so up in the air right now. Like I’m not even sure what I want anymore. I have been feeling very out of place in my own life lately, I uprooted my entire life to take a job that I thought would advance my career but all that job has done lately is kind of make me sad. I kind of realized lately that I don’t know anymore where I want to end up, that I have always done things that weren’t right for me because I was afraid of hurting people or leaving people behind, and in doing so I was the one got left behind.

 

 

Familiar Faces

I first joined Tinder and Bumble two years ago about a month after my four-year relationship ended. After four years I finally realized I deserved better than what I was getting out of that relationship and after a month-long break, I realized that nothing was going to change so I let him know that he could stay in our apartment while he figured out what he was going to do but he and I would not be getting back together. Despite the fact that he was an asshole I felt bad breaking up with him and also making him homeless at the same time. I didn’t expect that it was going to take him like 8 months to leave or that I would have to practically threaten to change the locks and put his shit on the front lawn to get him to finally move out.

Anyway, I joined tinder and bumble about a month after me and my ex split, it was sort of complicated because we were still living together. I did manage to meet a couple people, including this one guy. It was one of my first ever tinder experiences and to be honest it was enough to make me run fast and far away and never look back. You ever see a picture of someone and you feel like the room they’re in looks familiar, or that they look familiar but you can’t quite put your finger on who they are or what it is? That was how I felt when I matched with him. The rooms his pictures in were super familiar and so was he and one of the girls in one of his pictures but I couldn’t figure out why. I figured the girl was his sister or something so I didn’t question why there was a girl in a couple of his pictures. We started chatting, he was super friendly and charming and he sent memes so when he asked me to meet up with him I immediately agreed. This was back in the days where I really thought true love could be found on tinder.

He wanted to come to my house but that was obviously a no go since my ex was living there and could come home at any time. I always tried to be super upfront about my living situation when I was meeting someone new because I felt like it as unfair not to be. I also tried to be fair to my ex and not have men that I was romantically interested in in our apartment while he was still living there, despite the fact that I am pretty sure he didn’t have the same consideration for me. I offered to meet him at his place but he told me he had terrible roommates. He then proceeded to spend about an hour talking all this shit about his roommates and how awful they were, and how they used to be cool until they got married and now they hate each other, so it appeared that going to his place was also out.

We decided to meet at a park in the town where he was living. My sister lived in the same town as him and since I like to let someone know where I’m going and who I’m going with I decided to send my sister a picture of him and his phone number just so shed know where I was and who I was with if anything happened. That was when I figured out why everything about his pictures looked so familiar. HE WAS MY SISTERS ROOMMATE. Not only was he my sister’s roommate, he was living with his girlfriend of 10 years. Not only was he not single, he had just spent an hour talking shit about my sister and brother in law. What a scumbag! it was not actually surprising that he was a scumbag once I figured out who he actually was, I had heard plenty of stories about him and the type of person he was when he wasn’t bullshitting someone trying to impress them.

Here’s a little background on this… My sister had been renting a house with her now husband for about five years before this incident. It was kind of far away from where me and all our friends were living and they had a series of really shitty roommates, and the worst of them was this guy and his girlfriend. I had really only been to her house a handful of times and during those times I think this kid and his girlfriend had only come out of their bedroom for a total of five minutes and didn’t even say hello. So it was not totally crazy that I didn’t recognize him or her or the rooms his pictures were taken in until she pointed it out to me.

I was literally on my way out the door when my sister told me that this was her roommate and he was living with his girlfriend of 10 years. So I obviously told him I wasn’t going to meet him and asked him if his girlfriend knew he was meeting up with women from tinder, and that he was a lying liar who lies. He acted confused because “he didn’t have a girlfriend” so that was when I informed him that we had actually met before and that the terrible roommates he spent so much time talking about were my sister and her husband. Rather than admitting defeat he tries to tell me that he and his girlfriend had actually broken up but were still living together much like me and my ex. He said they hadn’t told anyone about the split and begged me not to tell my sister because he “didn’t want to stress her out”, he also begged me not to tell my sister about all the shit he had talked about her and her husband during our conversation.

I was obviously sending her the screenshots of our entire conversation. I don’t know how she managed to continue to live with him after that and not bring it up but somehow she did, and he never knew that she knew absolutely everything he said. The tinder guy and his non-girlfriend moved out a few months later- together-and are now engaged.  As for my ex, he finally moved out right after Thanksgiving two years ago- 8 months after we had broken up. Things had gotten pretty ugly and when he left he tried taking one of my dressers becuse “I gave it to him” (I didn’t- I allowed him to use it while he lived here, hardly a gift) and he took the toilet paper when he left because “He paid for it” (it was one of the only things he paid for the entire time we were together but ok)- as if I didn’t pay in days of my life that I could have been enjoying for every day that I spent with him during our relationship.