Nice Guys

Yesterday a guy on Plenty of Fish told me he was a “nice guy”, but it hadn’t gotten him anywhere so now he’s going to “act like an asshole just like every other guy on POF.” He then followed up with asking me if I had considered that the reason I was still single was because I look like a Christmas tree.

While I am not really sure what he meant by that, I am pretty confident that it was not meant as a compliment but in fact a weirdly specific insult.  Somehow, I don’t think a “nice guy” starts a conversation by asking someone if they’d like phone sex at 8 o’clock in the morning. I’ll be honest- I don’t like much at 8 am. Phone sex with a stranger is certainly not on the small list of things I do like. I also don’t think a “nice guy” would follow up rejection with telling a woman she looks like a Christmas tree.

The biggest thing I hear from men is that “women don’t like nice guys.” This is a giant crock of shit- women LOVE nice guys. But it’s a fairly decent possibility that you are just not as nice of a guy as you think you are.

I am not saying this about every nice guy, there are plenty of men out there that are legitimately nice. These are generally not the fedora-wearing guys who advertise how nice they are, like they should get some sort of a medal for acting like a normal human being. Who also then call you a cunt when you didn’t throw them a parade for having the decency to say hello before they (essentially) whipped their dicks out and plopped them on your kitchen table.

There are different levels of “nice guys”, and being perpetually single I have encountered all of them. These are the guys who can’t figure out why women don’t like them, and don’t have the self-awareness to realize that women don’t dislike them for being nice, they dislike them because they actually aren’t nice at all. These men are very different men but they for some reason share the common belief: they are nice guys, so we should have sex with them.

The Friendship Guy. I first encountered one when a family friend tried to set me up with her brother-in-law. He was nice enough so I agreed to go out with him, but on the day of the date I felt really sick and had to cancel. I had intended to reschedule for a couple of days later, but he went on what felt like a campaign to catch me lying about being sick. Super unattractive.

I decided to keep things between us strictly platonic, since we would have to see a fair amount of each other and I didn’t want things to be awkward if it inevitably didn’t work out. I made it pretty clear that I just wanted to be friends and started dating someone else, and because I was close with his family we remained friendly right up until my relationship ended. My relationship with my ex ended up pretty toxic, so when it ended I decided I need to take some time to be alone and work out some of my issues that landed me in back-to-back toxic relationships. 

Instead of giving me space, he started to bully me into a relationship I neither wanted or was ready for, all because he was a “nice guy” and would be so much better for me than the other assholes I had dated. He spent months trying to convince me that he knew what was best for me, and when he finally got the idea that I was never going out with him, he started campaigning for me to just have sex with him. Because we were “friends” and its “only sex”.

So because he gave me friendship (sub-par friendship at that), he felt like I should, at the very least, have sex with him. Which honestly is just kind of gross. Don’t pretend to be “just a friend” when you have some sort of ulterior motive, and then complain about being friend-zoned when you can’t handle being friends with someone you have romantic interest in. Just don’t be friends with them.

Stop acting like you’re doing us some sort of massive favor by allowing us to friend-zone you.

The Drinks Guy (Take on Date, Buy Her Drinks, Profit). A couple months ago, I went on a date with a guy who told me, on said date, that he was going to be moving out of state in a couple months so he wasn’t looking for anything serious.

I had some health issues going on that prevented me from having sex, so I was upfront with him about what was going on health-wise, as well as upfront that I wasn’t really looking for a hook-up and didn’t really want to get attached since he was leaving. But I liked him and told him we could continue to hang out till he left, maybe at the very least as friends and see what happened from there.

After that first date, we continued to text but didn’t see each other again . Eventually, I would only hear from him every couple of weeks. I was dating other people, and had a small window of time where I could have sex before I wasn’t able to for a month. I decided to use it on someone I had zero-interest in seeing again, and it ended up being a pretty bad time, so I wrote about it (see my earlier post Harlot for that story).

I write my posts as things happen and schedule them to be published later, so the Harlot situation had actually happened two weeks prior to the blog entry posting. I had made the mistake of telling this guy about my Instagram and blog (something I definitely do not do anymore), so when the post went up he read about it. Coincidentally, a few days before he read the post he had texted me trying to make plans and how he wanted to “cuddle and stuff”. At the time, I told him again about what was happening with my health, and how it involved me not being able to have sex for a month.

 

As soon as he read it, I got a barrage of texts accusing me of lying to him about why I couldn’t sleep with him, even though he had taken me on a “nice date.” As if I owed him any more of an explanation than what I had given him the first time we met.

Not only that, but we went on one date and then didn’t see each other again. Even if I just wanted to sleep with him, when would I have had the time [did he expect me to contact him out of the blue]? Did he expect me to say to the other guy “oh no you’re kind of a dick and even though I could totally just bang you and never talk to you again and be 1000% fine with it, let me just call this guy I went on one date with and bang him instead because we did have a good time that one time.” On what planet does that even make sense.

The Insult Guy. These are the guys who wave the nice guy flag around everywhere they go. It’s in their dating profiles. They’ll constantly tell you how nice they are. They practically have a t-shirt made just to tell you that they are Nice Guys™.

They usually lead with something creepy and sexual (or both) and then get IMG_1752mad because you aren’t interested in their straight-up creepy advances. One minute you’re the most gorgeous

IMG_1751queen they’ve ever seen, the next they’re calling you a cunt and telling you to kill yourself. Just because you said you weren’t into anal on the first date.

I would imagine that these are the type of guys that just snap one day and become serial killers or something.

They are the loudest teller of tales of women not liking them because they are just “too nice.” They fail to include the part where they barely even say hello to a girl before asking what her thoughts on foot fetishes are.

Don’t get me wrong, there are a ton of guys who are genuinely nice guys. Most of whom are in relationships with women who appreciate them, because women do in fact like nice guys. They don’t need to advertise their niceness for the world to see, because it speaks for itself.

I have gone on dates with plenty of nice guys, but they aren’t as exciting to write about. Things just didn’t work out, and it had nothing to do with them being too nice. There are so many other parts to building a relationship than just the guy being nice. The bottom line: if you think you are a nice guy and women just aren’t interested in you, there’s a good possibility that the only person who thinks you’re a nice guy is you (and your mom probably).

Ghost Stories

I’ve made a career out of trolling guys on Tinder. Its become basically the only hobby I have, that and going on dates with guys who mostly aren’t right for me. A few months ago I met this guy who lived on the Army base near a restaurant I worked at in high school. He was hot, and in the army which somehow made him 10x hotter, and he was charming and funny so when he asked me to meet him for drinks I didn’t hesitate.

You ever end up on a date with someone that is just so good looking that you feel like your being punked because they are way too hot to be hanging out with you? That was how I felt on this date, and I almost never feel like someone is out of my league but I felt like that on this date. We had so much in common that I felt like I was on a date with myself. It was one of the few dates that when it ended I knew for sure I wanted to see him again. We made plans the next day to go for drinks later in the week and he asked me if I would consider going to the military ball with him in April if we were still hanging out. I love a good ball so obviously, I said hell yes.

After that, he started being kind of a dick and bailed on our date for later that week, didn’t make plans to reschedule and eventually just kind of disappeared. I’m not that girl who is gonna pursue someone who is clearly not interested in me or waste my time trying to talk to someone who doesn’t make an effort to try and talk to me so I just moved on and continued going on a bunch of dates and kind of forgot about him until Easter when he texted me clearly hammered trying to get a booty call. I guess something about Christ rising from the dead really got his engine revving. After a few different versions of me telling him there wasn’t a chance in hell that I would ever sleep with him he eventually stopped texting me.

I didn’t hear from him again for over a month until one Saturday morning when he texted me “I don’t care if you won’t fuck me….I just want to be friends”. I can get down with that. One of my closest guy friends is a guy that I had hooked up with a few years ago who completely ghosted me after. When he first started messaging me I totally hated his guys but eventually, I came to terms with the fact that we would have really sucked together anyway and the worlds greatest friendship story was born. I didn’t expect that that would be the case with this guy, but since I have been struggling to make new friends any way I figured at the very least I could give him a chance.  It lasted about four hours up until he asked if he could take me home after my shift that day. That was about when I realized that we both had very different ideas about what friendship was.

I thought that was gonna be the last time I heard from him but he proceeded to text me every Saturday for like a month with some variation about how he wanted to just be friends and complain about how terrible his life was. Which I get it, he’s seen some shit and he needs someone to talk to, I can respect that and I can lend a sympathetic ear but then he would get progressively drunker as the day went on and start trying to bang me. Eventually, I just started resending him screenshots of our conversation from the previous week to save us both the aggravation of rehashing the same conversation over and over. He claimed he never remembered any of it and I think he actually wound up blocking my number during the most recent conversation because I wasn’t giving in to banging him. I guess the moral of the story here is- Block everyone they aren’t your friend .

The tipping point

Sometimes I wonder if I have become so comfortable and attached to my singleness that I’m unintentionally sabotaging potential relationships because I’m just not ready to give it up. I always start dating a guy and at first, he’s cool but after a couple weeks, I start finding something wrong and slowly but surely this (probably small)  thing becomes a massive deal breaker. Its like I’m the Goldilocks of men- Goldi-cocks if you will.

I once went on a few dates with a guy who was a restaurant manager. He was really nice to me whenever we went out but he had nothing to talk about except his job. He was so obsessed with his job that two of our dates were to the restaurant he worked at. I asked him what his long terms goals were, which for me means things like do you want to buy a house or have a family but the only goals he had were career goals and his career goals all had to do with this one restaurant he was working in. It got incredibly boring really fast- and I work in the industry so I get how consuming it is but he literally had nothing to talk about. He also treated the waitstaff like shit, he would go into “manager mode” (his words) and start acting like an asshole to whoever was taking care of us. It was obvious that he had never been a waiter ever and it was really embarrassing especially for me who waitresses part-time.

I really believe that the way a guy treats waitstaff is a really good indication of how they are going to treat you. So things, like being rude or not tipping the server, are huge issues for me.  I always make it a point to watch how much my date tips the waitstaff. Tipping is 20% if you are too cheap to give your server a good tip for decent service than I don’t have time for you. I have been on a ton of dates and I have never once had service that was so bad that it warranted a shitty tip. If you are having a good time with the person you’re with you shouldn’t even be focusing on the server.

Also, I know its 2018 but I literally cannot stand men who smoke pot. Like it’s not even about the pot-  smoke all the pot you want but it’s this whole 420 friendly stupidity that I can’t stand. I realize that the fact that I don’t smoke is like a rarity but like what if I told you that you could smoke weed and not have to talk about it all the time. Its the equivalent of a cross fitter or a strict vegan. I don’t feel the need to tell everyone I’m vodka friendly….  just smoke your devil’s lettuce and shut the hell up about it. As long as your not spending all your money on weed I could really care less if that’s what you do to unwind. We all have our vices, as long as you can support your habit, pay your bills you do you, but for most of these guys, this is like a lifestyle much like the “manager mode” guy I dated it doesn’t seem like they have anything to talk about other than smoking pot.

Maybe these things aren’t as big deal breakers as they seem. As much as I like to think I’m like the dream girl maybe I am just not as ready for a relationship as I thought I was. I feel like everything in my life is so up in the air right now. Like I’m not even sure what I want anymore. I have been feeling very out of place in my own life lately, I uprooted my entire life to take a job that I thought would advance my career but all that job has done lately is kind of make me sad. I kind of realized lately that I don’t know anymore where I want to end up, that I have always done things that weren’t right for me because I was afraid of hurting people or leaving people behind, and in doing so I was the one got left behind.