Bullet Proof

I knew when I wrote the post ” Same Mistake” a month ago he probably was going to see it. That’s the danger in putting yourself out there the way I put myself out there. I hoped that when he saw it he would understand the point of the post was never about how “bad” he was, but about how I was questioning some of the rules I had put into place within my own life to protect myself from continuing to make the same mistakes I had made in the past that led me to where I am now. The point of the post was never meant to make him feel attacked, or to try to get back at him for breaking up with me.

Nope. Instead, three weeks later, I got a message from him apologizing for “being so bad I had to write about him”, to which I tried to explain what the actual point of the post was. He claimed he wasn’t mad, and the truth was for the period of time we were dating he wasn’t bad, actually he was probably among the best people I had been with and I didn’t have a single bad thing to say about him aside from the fact that I was hurt that it didn’t work out. That was why I was having a tough time letting it go, and why I had started to wonder whether or not I was in the wrong for cutting people out of my life after he had reached out to me again. As much as it sucked that things didn’t work out he never became “bad” in my eyes until long after things between us ended.

I could’ve just explained myself and left it at that, not that I really should have needed to. He ended things with me months ago so if he was going to keep checking up on me that’s kind of on him. Instead, I asked why he was still reading my blog “it’s a good read” I think a big part of me really just wanted to hear that he missed me, so I hit him with “its fine that you miss me, I’m pretty missable” The response I got, in a nutshell, was that yeah I’m missable but he doesn’t want to be with me….Ouch, ok so why are we having this conversation then?

At that point, I decided we needed to establish some sort of boundaries. I am at a really low point in my life and I really don’t need to add any more complication to my already complicated situation. I let him know that he needed to decide what he wanted from me, if he wanted to try and date again I would consider it (against my better judgment), if he wanted to be friends we could try to be friends, but if he didn’t want anything from me but was going to continue to keep tabs on my life and find arbitrary reasons to contact me that he needed to just leave me alone because it wasn’t fair to me.

“It isn’t fair but at this point I don’t play fair. ‘alls fair in love and war'”.  Ok, but that rule doesn’t apply to us, we never even got that far. I was certainly headed there. I had definitely told people that he was someone I could see myself loving him in the future, but we didn’t get there. He ended things before it got that far, and I can’t imagine you’d end things with someone you cared about.

I could maybe understand any of this if I had broken up with him, but he’s the one who ended things. Did I fight him on it? No, but I told him a long time ago that I was a one-shot girl and that if he was going to end things he needed to be sure about it because there wasn’t any going back. I told him he needed to be honest about what he wanted or to cut the shit, he told me he didn’t want anything from me, I told him not to contact me anymore then and I tried to let it go.

A week goes by.

I tried to let it go. I really did. I gave it the good ‘ol college try. But, I that comment boiled in my blood for the next week. “All is fair in love in war” was on repeat in my mind. I probably  stopped myself three times from contacting him. On the fourth time,  I couldn’t hold it in anymore and I lost it. I sent him this message:

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He responded by telling me that another girl he dated said the same thing and she followed it up with “no matter how many girls you hurt you will never get back at your ex-wife”.

Imagine getting dumped and given zero explanation for it. You don’t hear anything for months. Then, all of a sudden they decide to start showing up every couple of weeks to make you feel rejected all over again and at the end of the day the reason has not a single thing to do with you.

The most powerful thing I did for myself was to accept the apology I was never getting from my ex-husband. It was the only way I was going to move on from the things he did to me. I never want to play ‘Who has More Scars?’ However, some of the things that happened to me during my marriage are things most people could never even imagine doing to another person let alone living through. I have never once used that as an excuse to hurt someone. If I did that would be letting him win and well, fuck that. I wasn’t going to give any more time to someone who literally didn’t give a shit about the fact that they hurt me. I can understand being hesitant to start another relationship after someone really hurts you like that. Hurting people who had nothing to do with the past that you can’t move on from doesn’t make any sense. In the end, the person you’re really hurting is yourself.

Now that I had broken the silence with that text, I spent the next hour laying into him. He didn’t fight me on it and he apologized….a lot. I’m not sure if that made me feel better or worse. Honestly,  he might have just been trying to shut me up. I guess I don’t really blame him there. Then he told me that he thought I was bulletproof because I “have that Instagram where I make fun of guys and the weird shit they say to me”.

I am…..to a point. I don’t let things that happened in my past dictate the rest of my life. I don’t let opinions of small men behind computer screens affect my self-confidence or self-worth, and I don’t dwell on stupidity. But that doesn’t mean I can’t be hurt, and that doesn’t mean that you should continue to do things that you know to be hurtful just because you don’t think the person you’re doing them to is capable of being hurt.

To be honest I’m kind of mad at myself for letting him get under my skin like that. I’m even more mad that I let him know that he had gotten under my skin. I hate to have given someone who clearly doesn’t give a shit about me that kind of power. I thought it would make me feel better to tell him how I really felt but in a way it actually made me feel worse. Me losing my shit didn’t change anything other than probably make him think I’m nuts, and even if it had I think at this point its become too toxic which isn’t something either of us really needs.

You’re never going to be good enough for the wrong person. I know this isn’t a problem with me and I shouldn’t let myself feel that it is. I know that the fact that things didn’t work out between us has nothing to do with how worthy I am of someone giving a shit about me and I shouldn’t and won’t tolerate someone who clearly doesn’t give a shit about me walking in and out of my life and doing or saying whatever they see fit just because I give a shit about them.

Brush your shoulders off

I’m not sure if this is the best or the worst thing about me, but I always push things as far as I possibly can. So last week when I got yet another message from a guy asking me if he could be my sugar daddy I responded the same way I responded to the other 750 guys who send me messages asking me to pay me for sex, I gave him my venmo and told him to put his money where his mouth was and send me something to prove he was serious.

I never expect anyone to actually send me money. I figured he would do what every other guy has done and disappear or tell me to go fuck myself. Instead, this guy paid me $25. It wasn’t a ton of money but it was the most money anyone has ever given me for no reason and it was enough to pay my bar tab that night so I was thrilled. Totally confused, but thrilled.

After he sent me the money he started asking me for pictures. Obviously, I’m not into that and even if I was my nudes are worth way more than $25 so there was no chance I was gonna send him anything. He wanted to know what he was going to get for his money, I let him know that he was getting an opportunity to “interview for the sugar daddy position”. I figured that was going to be the last time I ever heard from him but I guess that was a satisfying enough response because he asked me if I wanted to get drinks the following week.

I probably shouldn’t have agreed to meet him, but to be honest, I wasn’t totally sure if he was actually that much of a creep or if he didn’t just send me the money to call my bluff.  If that was the case I was kinda into it, but I figured at the very least if we actually did meet for drinks it was probably going to be hilariously weird, and its not like I would’ve had much else to do, and it was a public place so really the worst thing that was gonna happen was that he was actually a total creep.

We were supposed to meet for drinks Monday night. I asked him if we were going to discuss my allowance on our date. I was mostly kidding but apparently, he wasn’t because homeboy actually started discussing how much money he was willing to give me every week and what he was going to expect from me in return.

It was super weird especially since what he wanted were really vanilla things that most women do for free, and he was a good looking guy so there really was no reason he should even NEED to pay for sex. I guess it’s just his kink, to each their own I guess. He started asking me to send him pictures, and once again I decided to see how far I could push things, so I told him I was going to need some sort of deposit on the sugar daddy arrangement in order to send him anything.

I seriously thought he was finally going to tell me to go fuck myself or something but instead, he started negotiating a price for me to send him pictures of my boobs. I told him I wanted $250, at this point, I just wanted to see how much I could get out of him before he unmatched me. I didn’t think he would actually seriously negotiate a price for a picture of my boobs, but we wound up settling on $150 for a picture on snapchat with no face and I wanted the money first because ” this wasn’t mamas first rodeo” (it totally was my first rodeo).

I basically shit my pants when he actually added me on snapchat and then venmoed me the full $150. He drove a hard bargain but one thing he missed during the negotiation process was the clause that said they had to be naked boobs. He must’ve been super surprised when he opened his snap chat the next day and found a picture of my boobs, completely covered by my t-shirt.

Probably not what he was expecting, but sometimes, when you play stupid games you win stupid prizes and I became $175 richer for doing absolutely nothing.  Naturally, I haven’t heard from him since and as expected he blew off our date  which isn’t really much of a tragedy, his venmo featured his full first and last name, which I looked up on facebook along with the city he told me lived in which is where I found all the pictures of his girlfriend. So not only is he a creep trying to pay girls money for sex he’s also cheating on someone so, to be honest maybe I was a little bit of a scumbag taking money from him but in the end, he did kind of get what he deserved.

Plans

Do men think we’re just sitting in our houses staring wistfully out windows, waiting for them to come and whisk us away from our boredom? Cause if that’s the case, you’re going to find my ivory tower empty. I waved at you when I passed you in my car going to work.

I work two jobs, take evening classes, and I have two dogs (one of which requires a lot of care) so personal time for me is very rare. I am not about to waste it on guys who waste my time. I have 2,500 tinder matches. I can assure you, you aren’t special. If you aren’t going to make plans with me and follow through with them, there is another guy that will.

Another thing is, I’m a planner. I plan things ahead of time because I have so much going on in my life. But it’s almost like guys don’t get that for some reason.

I was talking to this guy on and off for a few weeks, and he kept asking me to meet him for drinks. But it was always last minute, and by the time the invitation came around, I had opted to pick up a bar shift instead. It beats sitting at home by myself and staring at the walls.

He was kind of a creep right from the beginning, but that’s partially my fault. I have this really bad habit of swiping right on guys with creepy or overly sexual profiles because I think its hilarious. This guy, in particular, didn’t disappoint. He kept telling me he had a dick with “7 inches of girth”, and that he was using a profile with a fake name and a bunch of headless pictures so he could “show off his bulge” without his friends knowing about it. I think it’s a lot of effort to go through to hide the fact that you’re being a creep when you could just not be a creep but to each their own.

He probably asked me four or five times to meet for drinks, but I’m a planner. I make my plans ahead of time and if I don’t have anything planned and the opportunity comes up to make money, I am going to take it. Rather than being understanding or attempting to make plans with me for a day I wasn’t working, he decided to chastise me, saying I “wasn’t making time for sex. Because “clearly money was the only important thing in my life”.

First, calm down dude. I like sex just as much as the next person. But you know what else I like? Having money to pay my rent on time.

The Convenience Guy. Then there are the men who think the sun rises and sets on their schedule. The guys who will make plans with you but never follow through with them. They will ask you on Sunday to grab drinks on Tuesday but then you never hear from them till they text you again the following Friday trying to make different plans to make up for the ones they didn’t follow through with, and when you call them out about blatantly blowing off your plans earlier in the week they tell you they got “busy”. I’m busy too but you know what I am never to busy for? Picking up my phone and rescheduling my plans if I know I can’t make it, I don’t just completely blow you off and then expect you to want to make other plans with me. These guys can’t understand why you don’t want to make new plans with them either, like sorry buddy but you only get one chance to waste my time.

The Flaky Guys. I hate flakiness more than anything, I have literally ended friendships with lifelong friends over it. The worst guys are those who are just blatantly flaky. They make plans with you that they either won’t be able to or are unwilling to follow through with, but still keep you on the hook until the last possible minute. As if they are the only person on earth you can make plans with.

Remember the guy who didn’t drink? It didn’t work out, but it had nothing to do with the fact that he didn’t drink.

I had a great time with him on the first date, so I agreed to meet him for a second date. I actually had a Saturday night off for the first time in like six months, so we decided to get pizza after I was done hosting a bridal shower earlier in the day. He texted me that morning and asked if we could meet earlier because he had forgotten he had to go to a going away party that night for a friend who was moving. I wasn’t sure when I would be back from the shower and suggested making plans for another night. He didn’t respond.

Once the shower started to wrap up earlier than I expected, I texted him again saying I  would probably be able to meet earlier. Again nothing. I didn’t hear from him until later (15 minutes after we were supposed to meet). He wanted to make plans for the next day. Obviously, I had figured out we weren’t meeting that day, but it was too late to make other plans. So I wound up in bed by 10pm, on the first Saturday I had off in months.

I totally understand the priority of seeing his friend whose leaving (which may or may not have been a crock of bullshit, who knows), but it’s not something that should have taken all day to figure out. I wouldn’t have cared so much if he had told me at 10am that another night would work better for him, but instead, he dragged it out the entire day until the last possible minute when he finally backed out. So, I decided that even though I liked talking & hanging out with him, I didn’t want to see him again.

My time is a gift, and if I am giving it to you- you better damn well take advantage of it, and if you can’t you better let me know with enough notice so that I can make other plans. I get that things come up and shit happens, but don’t be a dick, be respectful of other people’s time and let them know you can’t make it if you can’t make it. I spent my entire early 20’s waiting on men who couldn’t show up, I refuse to continue doing it for the rest of my life.

I’ve learned a lot since I last became single and started dating with the intention of possibly starting a relationship, the hardest lesson I’ve had to learn was not to ignore the signs even when I really liked someone. If something a guy was doing bothered me at the beginning of a potential relationship, it will only bother me more as time goes on. I learned to pick my battles in terms of what types of behaviors I could live with, and what behaviors I would consider deal breakers.   I have wasted so much of my life and happiness on people and situations that weren’t right for me and I don’t want to continue to do that because it’s only made me miserable.

Champagne Problems

Last night, I matched with a guy on Tinder who seemed really great. We talked for a while, and eventually he invited me to dinner. At that point, I was already in the process of cooking and couldn’t really stop and change my plans, so I asked him if he would be available to meet for drinks in a couple hours instead. He said yes, then added that he didn’t drink but he really liked ginger-ale. Cue internal screaming.

Lately, I’ve been encountering a lot of men who say they don’t drink, and every time I hear it I instantly lose interest. I know this makes me sound like a raging alcoholic, but hear me out on this.

Alcohol is not a deciding factor in my life, I really don’t drink that much compared to other people in my age group, but when I see myself in a relationship, I see myself with someone who will go out with me on a Friday night and have a few drinks in a beer garden, or at a bar. It’s something I could never really do in my previous relationships. If we’re being honest, getting either of my ex’s to even spend time with me was like pulling teeth.

If I am going to have a relationship with someone, I don’t want it to be another relationship where I have to do everything alone, or one where I get criticized by my partner for going out and having a couple drinks with friends. I literally spent 10 years in relationships where I had to go to events by myself because I had partners who didn’t drink. When I was able to convince them to go somewhere with me, most of the time they would sit and pout and be rude, to both to me and anybody with us. It was embarrassing, and I really don’t want to have to deal with a lifetime of similar situations.

My other reservation is like- what do you do on a first date then? I generally try to avoid going for a meal on the first date, opting for drinks instead. Drinks are fast and easy, 20 minutes tops, and there’s no pressure. And if things aren’t going well you can leave after one drink, rather than staying for an entire meal, which can be upwards of an hour or more. Also, if things aren’t going well during the meal, it honestly feels a lot like being held hostage.

I like the option of being in-and-out if I need to, and it’s also cheaper. If we wind up splitting the bill or I pay, I don’t end up spending a bunch of money when I didn’t have a good time. If he pays, I won’t feel so bad about not wanting to see him again.

Recently, my dating app conversations usually go like this- they ask if I want to get together, I suggest we meet for a drink, they respond with something along the lines of “I don’t drink but we can smoke a blunt if you want”, I tell them I don’t smoke, and plans are never made.

I don’t have an issue with weed, but all my last ex ever did was smoke weed to the point where we couldn’t do anything that didn’t revolve around it. He was constantly spending all of his money on it, to the point that I wound up paying for almost everything when we lived together. I know that in most cases this is not the norm. I also know that the real reason he was like that wasn’t because he smoked weed, but because he literally didn’t give a shit about me or anything I cared about.

Still, I can’t shake the internal cringe I feel every time a guy suggests smoking a blunt as a date. I know people are fully capable of smoking and not being a dick about it, but something about offering to take me on a “blunt cruise” as a first date is a real turn off.

Surprisingly, that’s not what happened this time around. He didn’t offer to “smoke me up on a blunt”, he just accepted my bull shit excuse and my promise that we could meet for an appetizer later in the week. He even continued the conversation. That was when I started wondering if I was just being a giant asshole in not giving this seemingly great guy a chance, just because he didn’t drink.

I am such a proponent of not letting the bullshit from your past relationships affect your present life but here I was doing exactly the thing I tell so many people not to do. So, when he gave me one last chance to meet him for appetizers that night, I impulsively decided I should just meet up with him. It wouldn’t kill me right? Plus, the meal I cooked sucked anyway.

We met for appetizers. He wound up being pretty great.

I still have my reservations about dating someone who doesn’t drink, but its only been one date. Also, if he can not be a dick about the fact that he doesn’t drink and I do, I think he and I could have a lot of fun together. I guess we will see.