Thank U, Next

Unfortunately, things with that guy I had that really good date with didn’t work out. It wasn’t entirely shocking and we had a couple of really nice weeks together until he decided he would rather go back to his ex than continue dating me. Of course, it was two days before Christmas so his timing was impeccable.

Like I said it wasn’t a shock I kind of saw it coming, we had been spending a good amount of time together so I felt like I had gotten to know him fairly well and when he came over Wednesday he just seemed different. Almost like he would have rather been anywhere but with me and when I asked him why he seemed so off he said he was just tired, which I understood we had spent a couple of really late nights together and he was the type of guy who was in bed by 10 every night so it was more than fair that he would have been feeling a little off.

But in the days that followed he continued acting super weird and cold. I knew he wasn’t feeling well so I brushed it off as a symptom of man cold and honestly I had had a really terrible weekend at work so I figured I was probably being kind of sensitive, I was gonna give it a couple more days before I asked him again why he was acting so weird. Sunday night after a particularly bad day at work I texted him to see how he was feeling and to let him know that I was skipping my work Christmas party and would be around if he needed anything, we talked a little about what a shitty day I’d had and then he let me know that he and his ex had decided to get back together and that he hoped I would “find happiness”.

I was upset for like five minutes but mostly because what kind of person hears about someone’s miserable day and then immediately breaks up with them? Especially two days before Christmas. Like I am pretty sure this whole thing with his ex didn’t just pop up out of nowhere, but honestly fine if he wants to go back to his ex far be it from me to stop him. I mean if history has taught me anything it’s that going back to your ex never works out but that’s his mistake to make and there is no chance that I am ever going to put myself in a situation where I need to compete with another woman ever again, especially a woman who he had described to me as “comfortable”.  Comfortable is an ugly thing in relationships. I stayed for four years in an unhappy relationship because it was comfortable. I was miserable but I was comfortable and for a while, that was enough for me, until it wasn’t anymore.

I mean shitty timing aside I’m glad it happened now instead of five months from now because whether she texted him last week or six months from now the end result would’ve been the same and at least now I could return his Christmas present and get my $15 back. As if getting dumped by a guy you really liked two days before Christmas on one of the worst days you’ve had in a while wasn’t bad enough I was ambushed by family Christmas. I thought I was just going to spend it with my immediate family but I found out on Christmas Eve the whole family was coming and within the first half hour of being there, my aunt had let me know that the reason I can’t find a good man is that my boobs are too big. As if that’s something I can help.

I mean I’m sad, it sucks when you meet someone you really connect with and they just drop you on your face, but I’m happy too because I was really starting to feel like I wasn’t going to find someone I was going to be able to connect with. Sex is easy, but finding someone you can have a conversation with and talk about the hard things without feeling judged that’s hard and I’ve gone through alot of shit that’s hard to talk about and hard for any man to look at as anything other than baggage, and maybe he thought I had baggage too but he never treated it like that. It’s ok that it didn’t work out, I was going to be happy either way because I learned a long time ago not to let my happiness depend on another person. The point to dating is to find someone who adds to the happiness you already have, that happiness needs to come from you and if you can’t create your own happiness you aren’t going to be happy with the person your with and it doesn’t matter if its the ex you keep going back to or meet someone new.

I’ll miss him and his dog ( mostly his dog at this point) honestly, I think I feel more rejected than anything else and that sucks, but I have another date tonight and we all know the best way to get over someone is to get over someone else so I guess we’ll see what happens.

All My Exes Live in Texas

Two months ago I was supposed to meet a guy I had been seeing for brunch at this restaurant I had been dying to try ( read that post here). I had suspected he was going to blow me off that day, so I had already planned on going by myself when he texted me an hour before we were supposed to meet up claiming he “wasn’t feeling well” and asked if we could reschedule. He must have come down with the “I just got laid” flu and died because that was the last time I ever heard from him. I was a little bummed because the sex was great but I wasn’t sure how I felt about hi so I guess I really didn’t care. I grabbed myself a bottle of champagne and went to brunch alone.

I sat at the bar and was finishing my bottle and my benedict when two girls with suitcases sat down next to me. We started talking and they mentioned they were originally from Texas, I told them I had always wanted to go to but wasn’t sure where to go or what I’d do when I got there. They made me a list of things to do in Austin and at that point it was time for them to leave. I decided to see how much a flight to Austin would cost and if it was cheap enough I was gonna go. An hour and $150 later I posted on Snapchat that I had accidentally drank too much champagne at brunch and booked a trip to Austin. A girl I had met at a bar a few months prior messaging me saying she had always wanted to go so I invited her.

I wasn’t really sure what was gonna happen on a trip with a girl I didn’t really know that well. My family really thought I was crazy and that I was probably going to get murdered or that I was being friendship catfished (is that a thing?). I honestly wasn’t even sure she was really going to go  but I wasn’t worried I was going either way and even if we didn’t end up getting along (which we did) at the very least we both got to go on a cool trip and we got to save on the hotel room and if we never saw each other again after that was gonna be fine.

My trip started with two flight delays. I had been super excited because I was going to be sitting I a row by myself. 20 minutes before my flight started boarding I noticed they had changed my seat which I was super displeased about until I realized that I was going to be sitting in business class with no one next to me. It was a redeye and by the time I got into Austin it was 1:30 am so I was thrilled to have the extra space. Plus I got to watch crazy rich Asians and cry and no one was sitting next to me judging my tears so that was cool. Guys, I was so spoiled I don’t know if I can ever go back to coach. I mean I’m gonna have to because I really can’t afford to fly anything other than coach but like I’m gonna be sad about it. Your girl was so spoiled.

This trip was wild. I have never really traveled with another person aside from a couple IMG_5980bachelorette parties and two-day road trip I took to see my favorite band so I wasn’t totally sure what to expect but I was really glad I did. I probably ended up doing a lot more because she was there than I would have done if I had been there on my own. Have you ever been so hungover that you threw up in the lobby of your hotel and the front desk agent had to hold your hair for you? That was my Tuesday morning.

Monday I started my day with breakfast margaritas at a restaurant called Juan in a million. It was honestly probably the best margarita I’ve ever had. After breakfast, we went to Graffiti Park and the Austin Zoo. I know people aren’t wild about Zoo’s but most of these animals came from situations where they were kept as pets by people who totally should not have been keeping tigers and monkeys as pets, obviously these animals could not have been released into the wild after being kept as pets so they ended up at the Austin Zoo. We got to feed llamas and deer and goats so that was pretty awesome too.

Grafitti Park was very cool. There are alot of really great murals. My friend went to the IMG_5987top of it but I stayed on the ground (not a fan of heights) and the more I looked at the murals the more things I noticed that I didn’t originally see at first look. Sadly Grafitti Park (also known as Hope Outdoor Gallery) is set to be demolished in January but it looks like they will be building a new park in the spring.

After we went to the zoo and graffiti park we did some shopping on S. Congress street. There was a super cool costume store called Lucy in Disguise with Diamonds that was recommended to us by our Uber driver and worth checking out if you’re ever in the area. We had a late lunch at a place called Guerros. Great tacos and the margaritas were decent but nowhere near as good as the one I had at Juan’s, I think that first one at breakfast spoiled me. After that, we went to Rainey Street which is basically a bunch of old houses that were converted to bars with cool outdoor patios. That was where the real fun started.

We hit three bars on Rainey street one of which had a slide and a claw machine full of dildos. I never knew I needed a claw machine full of dildos in my life until I had a claw machine full of dildos in my life. I mean I didn’t win anything (we weren’t carrying cash) but I still appreciated that I had the option. The last bar we headed to was the best (and IMG_5978cheapest). Immediately after we got there some guy (wearing a wedding ring) sat down at our table and started telling my friend and me about his foot fetish. It turned out that he actually just wanted someone to rub his feet because his feet hurt from an accident and we had to explain to him the difference between wanting someone to rub your feet and actually having a foot fetish.  That would’ve been ok except then he started telling my friend he was gonna be her sugar daddy and how his wife doesn’t love him. Finally, his friends came and rescued us from him and shortly after that my friend decided to call it an early night. I still had a drink so I decided to move to the bar where I befriended the (really attractive) bartender. I had planned to go see the Congress Street bats but apparently, they are in Mexico for the season so I asked him what else I could do at this time of night. I think he thought my friend ditched me or something because he started feeding me vodka drinks (after I had already cashed out) and eventually invited me to sleep at his house. Normally that would seem super weird but he was really friendly about it like he wasn’t actually hitting on me we were really going to sleep. I didn’t go, Instead, I found myself at VooDoo Donuts at 3am. The donuts were just ok, nothing to write home about and eating donuts at 3am probably contributed to my downfall.

I woke up super hungover and decided to go down to the lobby for some Gatorade. We were headed to San Antonio for the day and I wasn’t gonna let my hangover ruin any of my short trip so I was really trying to rally. But I think the motion of the elevator got me because as soon as I stepped off the elevator I was found myself puking into a trashcan while the front desk agent held my hair. That guy was seriously the real MVP. He could’ve just left me alone in my own self-inflicted pain but he brought me some water and helped me get my Gatorade and sent me on my way.

Guys I was in pain. I have been hungover before but I don’t think I’ve ever been that hung over. Somehow I was able to rally and we made it to San Antonio and honestly, I was pretty proud of my rallying abilities. We didn’t rent a car for the trip but we needed one to get to San Antonio so we had to pick the car up at the airport. That process was kind of a disaster. We waited in line for over an hour and when we finally got to the spot they told us to go to pick up our car we found a guy sitting in the driver’s seat driving away. The whole process took about an hour and a half but we finally got to San Antonio around 3:30 which was a little later than we wanted to get there.

We went to the Alamo which was pretty interesting but I will say that I was slightly disappointed at the lack of people yelling REMEMBER THE ALAMO but that would’ve been disrespectful as it was a pretty solemn place, so I guess it makes sense that no one IMG_5977was yelling anything. After we toured the Alamo we went to the river walk which was awesome. Lots of cool restaurants and shopping and it was really pretty. It was definitely different from what I was expecting but better than what I was expecting. I thought it was going to be more like a beach boardwalk, kinda like the boardwalk at Hampton beach but maybe not as dirty.  We did a little shopping, got some Texas BBQ and a couple of drinks and headed back to Austin.

I was still hung over at 9pm so we considered skipping 6th street but after a trip to the hotel bar we changed our minds and headed out. We wound up at this cool divey bar where a bartender named Cracker made us take shots called “Crack Snacks” two of those and three cocktails later it was definitely time to head to bed because I was not trying to have a repeat of the morning. My friend left after breakfast and since my flight wasn’t until much later today, I decided to explore more of 6th and Congress street. I got some pizza and some German Pretzels and headed to the airport.

Austin was great, definitely one of the best-drunk decisions I’ve ever made. I think I’d like to come back and see more of it when the weather is a little warmer but there are so many other places I want to see and since I will be leaving for Florida in the not so distant future I am holding off on spending any more money or booking any more flights until I’ve figured out exactly where I’m going to end up. Though Ireland is really cheap in March so if I can get the money together I think I will head there for a few days. All in all, I would give Austin 10/10 stars would do it again but probably would rent a car next time to make getting around faster and easier. We stayed on 6th so we were fairly close to everything but between it being kind of cold and my old ankle injury we wound up taking a bunch of ubers which got pricey especially if you plan to go to the zoo. We did get some good recommendations from a couple of our drivers so that in itself was worth it.

New Rules

Over the last year, I have gone on a lot of dates. A lot is an understatement, I have gone on an average of three first dates a week. I’m honestly not looking for anything, I don’t think I ever was, sure it would be nice to meet someone but if I don’t meet someone I’m not gonna die. I don’t need a man, sure men are nice to have but men are like dessert you don’t need them to live. I had never really been on dates before, sure I had relationships but we never actually dated we were just friends with benefits that went on for entirely too long and went entirely too far. When I started going on so many dates I was really just looking for someone to hang out with for a  couple hours, bonus if it turned into anything more.

I didn’t (and still don’t) have many friends out here and making friends really isn’t my area of expertise, I’m super awkward and I make way too many dick jokes plus I got married at like 19 and divorced at like 23 so I really don’t have much in common with women my age. I was bored, and oddly enough at this point in my life tinder was the best way to meet people. Since I started this my dating life has become the topic of conversation among many people in my life, some who are living vicariously but most just want to know how I get so many dates, why and how do I handle all the disappointment of constantly going on dates that lead to nowhere.

The answers are simple- why? Because I’m bored, what are my options? Sit in the house and hang out with my dogs or go to bars by myself and spend money I don’t have to still have no one to talk to? Sounds lame. It costs nothing (except for maybe my drinks) to go out and meet someone. Maybe we go out and hit it off and start a relationship, maybe we decide that a relationship wouldn’t work but we could be friends, or maybe the date is hilariously bad and I end up with a funny story to tell later. All seem like way better options than talking to my dogs and drinking alone.

It’s not hard to find a date. I am not picky about who I go on dates with, but that doesn’t mean I’m desperate. I learned a long time ago that “my type” wasn’t working out for me, and I had dated idiots for so long that I really wasn’t sure what “my type” even was anymore so at this point as long as I can see myself at least being physically attracted to someone and they don’t come off like a total idiot I am willing to spend a couple hours with them. This has its peaks and valleys, your either going to have a really good or a really bad time. For the most part, my experiences are pretty decent and I wind up having a good time with a guy that two years ago I wouldn’t have even given a second look to. I also wind up with alot of really funny stories to tell about the bad ones, but after a year of dating I have put together a list of several dating rules that help to cut down the chances of having a bad date, getting catfished, or ending up in a dumpster.

Don’t waste time texting.

Seriously- if a guy hasn’t asked you to meet up with him within the first two/three days chances are he has no intention of ever meeting up with you. Even if he finally does ask you out people can pretend to be whoever they want on the internet and through a text message. He can seem great via text but when you meet him with him he could turn out to be a real dud, or worse a total asshole. Both of these have happened to me where I texted a guy for a couple weeks before we met up and once we did finally meet up he was a real jerk, but at that point, I had formed somewhat of an attachment to him which made it harder to cut ties after the date. Keep the texting short and simple until you meet up with them. Wastes less time and you won’t feel as bad telling him you aren’t going to see him again.

Don’t go to anyone’s house

I don’t understand why there are still guys out there who won’t be upfront about what they are looking for. Like it is not that hard to find just sex, you don’t have to go on a date (or several dates) pretending to be interested in someone to get to the point of getting laid only to disappear after you finally get laid. If a guy leads with something sexual or invites you to his place for a first date chances are he is just looking to get laid. Which is fine if you are looking for the same thing but if you aren’t don’t even bother. You’re just gonna end up with some guy poking you in the back with his boner while you’re trying to watch whatever Disney movie he put on.

Do your research

It amazes me that people are still out there getting catfished in 2018. Seriously there are so many ways to find info out about a person before you meet up with them that there is no reason anyone ever should be catfished. I usually reverse search someones phone number before I meet up with them. There are a couple reasons for this- first I never save any numbers in my phone until I’m sure about someone, which usually means that by the time I meet up with someone I can’t remember their names or what they look like. But if you reverse search their phone number you get their first and last name. If you can’t find them on social media you are definitely being catfished- no matter what someone says you do need a facebook to make a tinder account so if they say they don’t have one they are totally full of shit. I have also found out that guys I was about to go on dates with had wives or fiances at home and unless your into that sort of thing these are good things to know before you plan to meet up with someone. No matter what excuse they give you for cheating on their partner the cold hard truth of it is that they are an asshole who doesn’t care about the person they were with and they won’t care about you either. Cut your losses and move on.

Pick a place thats familiar to you

It has become abundantly clear how dangerous it is simply to exist as a woman. I don’t wanna say I’m paranoid but when you start doing the one thing your parents always taught you not to do (meeting strangers from the internet) You have to do whatever you can to make sure you stay safe. Chances are no one is going to do anything to you but it helps to be in a place that is familiar where if things are going badly someone is going to notice. Plus first dates are awkward enough as it is, being in a place you’re familiar with that is comfortable for you helps you feel a lot more relaxed and when your feeling relaxed you’re a lot more confident, or at least I know I am. I always take first dates to 1 of 3 bars depending on where they’re from, the bartenders know me and know if something is going badly. When I was with that guy who told me he had just gotten out of jail for stalking his ex the bartender went as far as to meet me at the bathroom and give her take on how I should handle getting out of the situation so I didn’t do anything that would set him off and make for a potentially dangerous situation. Things like this are a rarity. Not all men are bad men, some of them are idiots but so are some women.

Just meet for drinks

There is nothing worse than being stuck on a bad date. I always go for drinks on a first date because going for drinks can be as short or as long as you want it to be. If a date is going poorly when you’ve met for drinks you can be in and out in a half hour, even less if it’s really going poorly. If you go for an entire meal you’re going to be there for at least an hour maybe more and being stuck on a bad date for any extended period of time is a lot like being held hostage. I will also never understand people who do things like go hiking or go to a movie on a first date, like who are you getting to know during a movie? It’s just the two of you sitting next to each other in the dark not talking? Like, am I supposed to give you a hand job? Why are we here? As for the hiking thing- First off, I’m fat do I look like I’m doing a lot of hiking to you? No- so its going to be a lot of me being winded the whole time, plus I’m not so sure about entering the woods with a person I’ve never met before I’m pretty sure I saw that on a CSI episode once. I mean I guess if your an avid hiker or someone more athletic than I am hiking isn’t a bad date idea but if your gonna enter the woods with someone you’ve never met before I hope you bring a hatchet or something.

Don’t drag things out

For me, a big part of dating has been learning what I am and am not willing to put up with in a relationship. I am still trying to figure out whether or not some of my deal breakers are valid (ie shitty tippers) so its fine to question if you’re being too hard on someone, but it’s also totally fine to decide that a person exhibits a quality that makes you not interested in pursuing them. You will know right away if there is something about a person that bothers you, if it bothers you now it is going to bother you a year from now don’t enter into a relationship with someone expecting them to change just as you shouldn’t need to change yourself to better suit a person you want to be with. I spent way to much time in my life settling and trying to change people (mostly fix people) because I was afraid there wasn’t ever going to be another person interested in me because of the way I looked which is stupid because I’m hot shit and a guy would be lucky to have me. I stayed in a bad relationship way too long because I was afraid to hurt his feelings by breaking up with him despite the fact that he never had cared about all the times he’d hurt mine. There is always going to be a person who likes the things about you another person didn’t like.

Guys I am not an expert by any means, if I was good at dating I probably wouldn’t be one bad date away from getting another cat but these things have at the very least helped me not get beat up by someones angry wife or end up in a dumpster which wouldn’t really be ideal situations for me. Do I always follow my own rules? Nope, sometimes I get a little lazy, and that’s how I end up going on dates with toothless rappers or guys who just got out of jail, but I’m learning my lesson slowly but surely.

Changes

Seven years ago today was both the best and worst day of my life. My niece was born, but I wasn’t there, I had missed the one day I waited for an entire 9 months for because I was also in the hospital. See my best friend was out there bringing life into this world, and I was somewhere else trying to take a life out of it. My own, I had been in such a toxic and abusive marriage that I seriously thought the only way out of it was to end it…. and I don’t mean the marriage.

Most days that part of my life feels like it didn’t really happen. Most days it feels like a bad dream I tell people about over coffee. Most days I have pretty much forgotten about the three years my ex spent destroying my life, or my nervous breakdown brought on by his abuse or everything else that went along with being married to a sociopath.

I spent several days in that hospital where they tried to convince me that I just needed to get away from him, but eventually diagnosed me as bipolar (which I would later find out was PTSD misdiagnosed as bipolar disorder) and sent me home. I don’t really remember who visited me, but I remember that he didn’t, but he sure did call me when the cable and internet got shut off because he never paid a bill the entire time we were together and I wasn’t there to take care of it.

I was discharged from the hospital just in time to hold my niece for the first time before they were discharged from the hospital as well. I came home to find my ex unconscious in our bathtub. I left for the first time shortly after. I was gone about a month before he convinced me to come home because “things would be different” It took me months to catch up on the bills he didn’t pay while I was gone.

IMG_4632

Me the day I was released from the hospital

He spent our entire marriage convincing me that he abused me and treated me so poorly because I was unworthy of love and deserved everything he did to me. He constantly tried to make me feel like I was crazy to think he was cheating on me despite the days he would go without coming home or the lies I constantly caught him in. He made everyone else believe I was crazy for not believing that he was clean when in reality he was setting our house up to look like it had been robbed so he could sell anything we owned of value for heroin.

I was so paranoid because he had convinced me that our neighbors were climbing in our windows while I was asleep and stealing money out of my purse that I used to sleep with my purse so our rent money wouldn’t get stolen. I would go days without eating because I was constantly so upset that I couldn’t hold food down. I was down to 140lbs which for a woman who usually sits at around 190lbs is small, and I didn’t look good. When I was released from the hospital I started on the meds they gave me and quickly started to gain weight, I couldn’t function on the meds and lost my job, after that things between us got worse and eventually reached a point where I realized that if I stayed with him I was going to die and as much as I had thought that was my only way out at one point it wasn’t actually what I wanted.

I finally had enough proof that he was cheating on me to bring myself to throw him out, that was around the same time that the people in his life started to realize that he was still using drugs and that I wasn’t as crazy as he had led everyone to believe. The police started showing up at our home looking for him. Multiple people connected to him approached me and told me that I needed to leave him or I was going to end up dead or in jail. I realized when HIS friends and family were telling me I needed to end it that there was no way I was the problem or the reason for all of his issues.

He quickly got engaged to the girl he had been cheating on me with which I reacted to in any way any normal woman who had been cheated on by a heroin addict who stole all her money and sold everything she owned…. by throwing our mattress off the third story balcony.  After that, I didn’t hear from him for four years when he finally decided we should get a divorce which was two years after I had gone and gotten the divorce myself.

After the great mattress meltdown of 2012, I jumped into another bad relationship just to prove to him and myself that I wasn’t going to be alone for the rest of my life. I jumped into a career that I didn’t really want just to prove to him that I wasn’t going to be a failure.I went back to school and agonized over keeping a 4.0 because he said I wasn’t smart enough to do it. I gave years of my life to prove to a person who literally did not give a shit about me or how much they hurt me that I was worthy of something.

Before I met him I had plans for my life, but I put them on hold for him, and that didn’t work out but then I spent even more time trying to prove him wrong so I let almost my entire 20’s pass me by and now I’m 28 and I’m in a rut and it’s time to start doing the things that I really want to do.

For as long as I can remember I have wanted to move to Florida. Before I met my ex I was looking into going to college there, but then I met him so I didn’t go. He and I had talked about going but obviously, he was a scumbag so that never happened…. which was honestly for the best because things probably would have gotten even worse if we had moved 1100 miles away from my family. I started thinking about it again after I had dealt with some pretty serious health issues this year. I had even gone as far as to look into jobs and housing, but I started to feel guilty about leaving my job because they had been so good to me during my health stuff and I had met a guy I really liked and kind of wanted to see where things went so I stopped looking as hard as I was and settled back into the life I wasn’t incredibly happy with.

Then the guy dumped me and the job laid me off (which was a blessing I was miserable) and a few other irons I thought I had in the fire didn’t work out and now I’m running out of good reasons not to do it. I mean I have friends but I only see like one of them regularly. The biggest thing that was stopping me from doing it now is that I don’t know if I could deal with being that far away from my mom. Right now if I was in a situation where I really needed my mom one of us could get in the car and be there in under an hour, but if I moved 1100 miles away it would take some planning and a whole lot more than a tank of gas, but even my mom doesn’t think this is a good enough reason not to go.

I have again put the things in my life that I really want to do on hold for things and people who really didn’t care about me.  Most of the “friendships” I was afraid to leave behind have ended and anyone whose opinions I value that I’ve spoken to agrees that it’s time for me to get a fresh start somewhere else. So I’ve decided that June 1 when my lease is up I am going to finally pack up my dogs and my cats and move to Florida.

The decision just makes sense. My rent goes up 100$ a month every year, I am unwilling to pay $1700 a month on an apartment that stays exactly the same, as much as I love Worcester I have never been able to make it my home, I have no ties here. I thought that moving back to the town I grew up to work in the restaurant I grew up in would help me to find some sort of direction but I realized that I don’t actually have a life there either and I can’t make a life doing the same things I’ve been doing for more than half my life hoping for a different result. My friends have all started their lives and families so I am for the most part alone and if I have to be alone I may as well be alone on a beach, and as much as I hate to be that far away from my mom I know she’s still going to be there.  Plus with the amount of money, I would have needed to save to move to a new apartment in Mass I can literally pack up my life and move to Florida and have money left over.

This isn’t something I just woke up one day and decided. I have been thinking about it for years, and when I lost my job I decided to go and visit some family who I hadn’t seen in three years. I arrived last week and saw some family and hung out on the beach and perused the local tinder specimen.  I didn’t get a chance to go on any dates while I was there but a local homeless guy did give me his phone number and offer to drive me to the airport when I stopped to pet his dog at a beach bar.  But the more time I spent there the more I realized that I was happier, and not just because I was on  vacation because realistically I didn’t really do many things that I wouldn’t have done if I wasn’t on vacation, and that the only things I was really badly missing from being at home were my dogs.

I won’t lie and say I’m not scared shitless because I totally am, but on the brightside, if I do down there and things don’t work out I can just slap on my marshmallow suit and find the nearest alligator swamp, which would also solve my student loan problem. Or like I could take the more rational route and just go back home. I have family there so I won’t be totally alone, and my cousin can actually cook which means I might get a home cooked meal every once in a while. My biggest obstacle now is figuring out how to save money in my already tight budget and learning how to stop spending money like I’m the long-lost Kardashian. Even though the cost of living is cheaper in Florida I probably won’t get far on the $16 I have in my savings account right now.

So, if you’ve done something like this and have any sort of advice on how to do it let me know. Also looking for advice on how to make friends without wondering if the person you’re trying to befriend thinks your hitting on them. If you know me, and your reading this know that you only have about six months left to get your fill of me before I head off to make either the best or second worst decision of my life.

Also, my dad is really concerned about whose gonna check my oil so if someone wanted to teach me how to do that my dad (and me) would appreciate it.

Bullet Proof

I knew when I wrote the post ” Same Mistake” a month ago he probably was going to see it. That’s the danger in putting yourself out there the way I put myself out there. I hoped that when he saw it he would understand the point of the post was never about how “bad” he was, but about how I was questioning some of the rules I had put into place within my own life to protect myself from continuing to make the same mistakes I had made in the past that led me to where I am now. The point of the post was never meant to make him feel attacked, or to try to get back at him for breaking up with me.

Nope. Instead, three weeks later, I got a message from him apologizing for “being so bad I had to write about him”, to which I tried to explain what the actual point of the post was. He claimed he wasn’t mad, and the truth was for the period of time we were dating he wasn’t bad, actually he was probably among the best people I had been with and I didn’t have a single bad thing to say about him aside from the fact that I was hurt that it didn’t work out. That was why I was having a tough time letting it go, and why I had started to wonder whether or not I was in the wrong for cutting people out of my life after he had reached out to me again. As much as it sucked that things didn’t work out he never became “bad” in my eyes until long after things between us ended.

I could’ve just explained myself and left it at that, not that I really should have needed to. He ended things with me months ago so if he was going to keep checking up on me that’s kind of on him. Instead, I asked why he was still reading my blog “it’s a good read” I think a big part of me really just wanted to hear that he missed me, so I hit him with “its fine that you miss me, I’m pretty missable” The response I got, in a nutshell, was that yeah I’m missable but he doesn’t want to be with me….Ouch, ok so why are we having this conversation then?

At that point, I decided we needed to establish some sort of boundaries. I am at a really low point in my life and I really don’t need to add any more complication to my already complicated situation. I let him know that he needed to decide what he wanted from me, if he wanted to try and date again I would consider it (against my better judgment), if he wanted to be friends we could try to be friends, but if he didn’t want anything from me but was going to continue to keep tabs on my life and find arbitrary reasons to contact me that he needed to just leave me alone because it wasn’t fair to me.

“It isn’t fair but at this point I don’t play fair. ‘alls fair in love and war'”.  Ok, but that rule doesn’t apply to us, we never even got that far. I was certainly headed there. I had definitely told people that he was someone I could see myself loving him in the future, but we didn’t get there. He ended things before it got that far, and I can’t imagine you’d end things with someone you cared about.

I could maybe understand any of this if I had broken up with him, but he’s the one who ended things. Did I fight him on it? No, but I told him a long time ago that I was a one-shot girl and that if he was going to end things he needed to be sure about it because there wasn’t any going back. I told him he needed to be honest about what he wanted or to cut the shit, he told me he didn’t want anything from me, I told him not to contact me anymore then and I tried to let it go.

A week goes by.

I tried to let it go. I really did. I gave it the good ‘ol college try. But, I that comment boiled in my blood for the next week. “All is fair in love in war” was on repeat in my mind. I probably  stopped myself three times from contacting him. On the fourth time,  I couldn’t hold it in anymore and I lost it. I sent him this message:

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He responded by telling me that another girl he dated said the same thing and she followed it up with “no matter how many girls you hurt you will never get back at your ex-wife”.

Imagine getting dumped and given zero explanation for it. You don’t hear anything for months. Then, all of a sudden they decide to start showing up every couple of weeks to make you feel rejected all over again and at the end of the day the reason has not a single thing to do with you.

The most powerful thing I did for myself was to accept the apology I was never getting from my ex-husband. It was the only way I was going to move on from the things he did to me. I never want to play ‘Who has More Scars?’ However, some of the things that happened to me during my marriage are things most people could never even imagine doing to another person let alone living through. I have never once used that as an excuse to hurt someone. If I did that would be letting him win and well, fuck that. I wasn’t going to give any more time to someone who literally didn’t give a shit about the fact that they hurt me. I can understand being hesitant to start another relationship after someone really hurts you like that. Hurting people who had nothing to do with the past that you can’t move on from doesn’t make any sense. In the end, the person you’re really hurting is yourself.

Now that I had broken the silence with that text, I spent the next hour laying into him. He didn’t fight me on it and he apologized….a lot. I’m not sure if that made me feel better or worse. Honestly,  he might have just been trying to shut me up. I guess I don’t really blame him there. Then he told me that he thought I was bulletproof because I “have that Instagram where I make fun of guys and the weird shit they say to me”.

I am…..to a point. I don’t let things that happened in my past dictate the rest of my life. I don’t let opinions of small men behind computer screens affect my self-confidence or self-worth, and I don’t dwell on stupidity. But that doesn’t mean I can’t be hurt, and that doesn’t mean that you should continue to do things that you know to be hurtful just because you don’t think the person you’re doing them to is capable of being hurt.

To be honest I’m kind of mad at myself for letting him get under my skin like that. I’m even more mad that I let him know that he had gotten under my skin. I hate to have given someone who clearly doesn’t give a shit about me that kind of power. I thought it would make me feel better to tell him how I really felt but in a way it actually made me feel worse. Me losing my shit didn’t change anything other than probably make him think I’m nuts, and even if it had I think at this point its become too toxic which isn’t something either of us really needs.

You’re never going to be good enough for the wrong person. I know this isn’t a problem with me and I shouldn’t let myself feel that it is. I know that the fact that things didn’t work out between us has nothing to do with how worthy I am of someone giving a shit about me and I shouldn’t and won’t tolerate someone who clearly doesn’t give a shit about me walking in and out of my life and doing or saying whatever they see fit just because I give a shit about them.

Drunk in Love

Day drinking is dangerous. Sometimes you end up hung over by 5pm, sometimes you end up banging your 22-year-old waiter in his mom’s basement.

My sister and I had had a particularly rough week so we decided to meet up for some buffalo cauliflower and sangria. Two pitchers of sangria later we had gotten pretty friendly with our waiter who was relatively new to the area. I don’t remember how it came up but he mentioned that he would want to hang out with us sometime and get drinks, so I gave him my number in the least creepy way it could possibly be when you’re giving your random waiter your number, so we could all hang out sometime. We decided to go to a cheaper bar down the street and said he was welcome to meet us there if he was going to get cut any time soon.

Making new friends is super awkward especially in a situation like that. I was mostly just trying to be friendly, and I honestly didn’t expect to hear from him ever again, to be honest, I thought he was probably going to think I was super creepy for giving him my number even though I didn’t have any intentions beyond friendship. It only took about 20 minutes for him to text me and ask if we had made it to the other pub yet. He met us there a couple of hours later. I wasn’t expecting him to meet us there, and I really wasn’t expecting him to sit next to me and start playing footsie under the table with me either,

I had barely rolled out of bed that morning, I hadn’t done laundry in three weeks, I was wearing my last resort mom jeans, no makeup, and my hair was so full of dry shampoo that the only thing I could do with it was wearing it in a shitty bun on top of my head. I wasn’t even wearing deodorant because I had just gotten all my waxing done, my eyebrows were probably still red. But here I was sitting in a bar looking like one step above a people of Walmart submission and this hot 22 year old is rubbing my leg under the table.

To be clear from the minute we left the restaurant my sister was convinced that he was trying to hook up with me, or her, or both of us. Shes married so I was really the only feasible option. I just thought we were going to have the next greatest friendship story, that is not what happened.

I don’t really remember a lot of the details  that led up to me leaving the bar with him that night, but judging by my texts from my sister from that day I know that she “didn’t want to cock block me”, which she certainly didn’t if anything she was the cock enabler, world-class wing woman. Anyway, the next thing I knew I was in this kids moms basement having the type of sex you would expect to have with a 22-year-old, and when I came out of his bathroom I was face to face with his 12-year-old brother which was somehow more awkward than it would’ve been if I had come face to face with his mom.

When it was over he dropped me off at my car and went to go sell weed, which was exactly the thing I would expect a 22-year-old to do after banging some almost 30-year-old woman. All of this happened before 8pm…on a Wednesday.

There is one lesson here for sure, my mom always tells me that I need to stop leaving the house looking like I just ended an 8-month long bender because you never know who you’re going to run into. If this situation didn’t prove her right I don’t know what will.

while he really is a nice enough guy and super good looking I just can’t picture myself having enough in common with him to continue anything beyond a strictly platonic friendship and since we have already crossed that bridge I don’t really think there is any going back from that. I have one male friend that I was able to have a platonic friendship with after we had sex, but that happened a couple years later and after a long time of having no contact with him, and there is still always that awkward element of having seen each other naked within our friendship.

I guess you could say that restaurant really gave me some more bang for my buck than I was intending that day.  I guess you could also say that depending on how this plays out my sister and I probably need to find a new restaurant halfway between our house to meet.

Brush your shoulders off

I’m not sure if this is the best or the worst thing about me, but I always push things as far as I possibly can. So last week when I got yet another message from a guy asking me if he could be my sugar daddy I responded the same way I responded to the other 750 guys who send me messages asking me to pay me for sex, I gave him my venmo and told him to put his money where his mouth was and send me something to prove he was serious.

I never expect anyone to actually send me money. I figured he would do what every other guy has done and disappear or tell me to go fuck myself. Instead, this guy paid me $25. It wasn’t a ton of money but it was the most money anyone has ever given me for no reason and it was enough to pay my bar tab that night so I was thrilled. Totally confused, but thrilled.

After he sent me the money he started asking me for pictures. Obviously, I’m not into that and even if I was my nudes are worth way more than $25 so there was no chance I was gonna send him anything. He wanted to know what he was going to get for his money, I let him know that he was getting an opportunity to “interview for the sugar daddy position”. I figured that was going to be the last time I ever heard from him but I guess that was a satisfying enough response because he asked me if I wanted to get drinks the following week.

I probably shouldn’t have agreed to meet him, but to be honest, I wasn’t totally sure if he was actually that much of a creep or if he didn’t just send me the money to call my bluff.  If that was the case I was kinda into it, but I figured at the very least if we actually did meet for drinks it was probably going to be hilariously weird, and its not like I would’ve had much else to do, and it was a public place so really the worst thing that was gonna happen was that he was actually a total creep.

We were supposed to meet for drinks Monday night. I asked him if we were going to discuss my allowance on our date. I was mostly kidding but apparently, he wasn’t because homeboy actually started discussing how much money he was willing to give me every week and what he was going to expect from me in return.

It was super weird especially since what he wanted were really vanilla things that most women do for free, and he was a good looking guy so there really was no reason he should even NEED to pay for sex. I guess it’s just his kink, to each their own I guess. He started asking me to send him pictures, and once again I decided to see how far I could push things, so I told him I was going to need some sort of deposit on the sugar daddy arrangement in order to send him anything.

I seriously thought he was finally going to tell me to go fuck myself or something but instead, he started negotiating a price for me to send him pictures of my boobs. I told him I wanted $250, at this point, I just wanted to see how much I could get out of him before he unmatched me. I didn’t think he would actually seriously negotiate a price for a picture of my boobs, but we wound up settling on $150 for a picture on snapchat with no face and I wanted the money first because ” this wasn’t mamas first rodeo” (it totally was my first rodeo).

I basically shit my pants when he actually added me on snapchat and then venmoed me the full $150. He drove a hard bargain but one thing he missed during the negotiation process was the clause that said they had to be naked boobs. He must’ve been super surprised when he opened his snap chat the next day and found a picture of my boobs, completely covered by my t-shirt.

Probably not what he was expecting, but sometimes, when you play stupid games you win stupid prizes and I became $175 richer for doing absolutely nothing.  Naturally, I haven’t heard from him since and as expected he blew off our date  which isn’t really much of a tragedy, his venmo featured his full first and last name, which I looked up on facebook along with the city he told me lived in which is where I found all the pictures of his girlfriend. So not only is he a creep trying to pay girls money for sex he’s also cheating on someone so, to be honest maybe I was a little bit of a scumbag taking money from him but in the end, he did kind of get what he deserved.