Just a Friend

Modern dating is lazy.

With the rise of dating apps (like Tinder), we have mediocre sex readily available in the palm of our hands 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. It’s no surprise that no one actually wants to go on dates, or take the time to get to know each other anymore. Everyone just wants to bang.

Personally,  for every one date I go on I had to wade through 150 Sultans of Snatch . Here’s how you spot one: they think they are king of the clitoris, and they aren’t interested in getting together unless it means them getting laid.

It seems like every conversation lately is the same:

  1. They ask me what I’m looking for.
  2. I respond facetiously with something along the lines of “the love of my life”, or my personal favorite, “a victim for my human sacrifice”.
  3. They respond with “I’m just looking for a fwb and see what happens”.

I can’t even begin to tell you how incredibly lazy this is.

I’ve hooked up with plenty of these “see where it goes” guys. Spoiler, 9 times out of 10, it never goes anywhere except a random 2 am “you up” text every couple of months. I can guarantee you that I am almost never up at 2 am,  and if I am I probably don’t want your drunk ass near or in me.

Also, for whatever reason half the time when you tell a guy you’re not interested in casual sex, you get called “boring”. I’m not boring. I just know you’re too lazy to take a girl on a date before trying to hook up with her, and I know you’re probably not going to be very good anyway.

Example, I once hooked up with a guy who promised he was going to give me the best oral experience I was ever going to have in my entire life. Once he got down there, he didn’t do a damn thing. Absolutely no movement, and I wasn’t even sure he was breathing. I thought he died.

Once I realized I was wasting my best boob years on lame dick, I stopped the hook ups. I got nothing for it in the end, though I should get a trophy room full of Golden Globes, all in the category of Best Fake Orgasm. I would have a Hollywood Star at this point with the amount of orgasms I fake for “sex gods” who act like they’ve never seen a vagina before.

It is totally fine to not want a relationship, and it is totally fine to just want to get laid. For a long time, I was like that. You just need to be upfront about the fact that you are just looking to get laid by someone you never want to talk to again. There are plenty of people out there looking for the same thing.

I’ll be honest- I have a FWB. But in my situation, the intent was never to ” see what happens”. At the beginning of our arrangement, we had an honest discussion about what we expected of our arrangement. There was never any sort of gray area. He is younger than me (but not creepily so),  and we are at different points in our lives where a relationship could never work between us.

He is very aware that I am dating, and if I were to pursue a relationship with someone else then things between us would end. We are the very bare minimum level of friendship. We don’t cuddle. We don’t hang out. Just sex that is satisfying for both of us while we seek to date other people who are more appropriate for the point we are at in our lives. No confusion, and no hurt feelings.

Telling me you want to “start as FWB” tells me that you don’t want to put in the effort to get to know me before sleeping with me. Despite this, you hope I will sleep with you anyway, we have enough sex and we tolerate each other well enough to move onto a “real” relationship, and BOOM. Instant relationship, with minimal effort on your part.

Maybe this has worked for some people, but in my experience, a relationship where the foundation is sex doesn’t work.

Fun fact, this is how my last relationship started. I was fresh out of a bad marriage, and didn’t know how to be alone. I wound up in this FWB relationship that eventually became a “real” relationship. I was lonely, and he needed someone who was going to take care of him. We got comfortable in this toxic, but mutually beneficial relationship.

It came to a screeching halt when I finally realized after four years that he didn’t mean it when he said he loved me. I realized, too late, actions speak louder than words.

It took me four unhappy years to realize that a mature relationship didn’t mean having to act as someone’s mom. I decided that being alone and unhappy was much better than being with someone, and still feeling alone and unhappy.

Nice Guys

Yesterday a guy on Plenty of Fish told me he was a “nice guy”, but it hadn’t gotten him anywhere so now he’s going to “act like an asshole just like every other guy on POF.” He then followed up with asking me if I had considered that the reason I was still single was because I look like a Christmas tree.

While I am not really sure what he meant by that, I am pretty confident that it was not meant as a compliment but in fact a weirdly specific insult.  Somehow, I don’t think a “nice guy” starts a conversation by asking someone if they’d like phone sex at 8 o’clock in the morning. I’ll be honest- I don’t like much at 8 am. Phone sex with a stranger is certainly not on the small list of things I do like. I also don’t think a “nice guy” would follow up rejection with telling a woman she looks like a Christmas tree.

The biggest thing I hear from men is that “women don’t like nice guys.” This is a giant crock of shit- women LOVE nice guys. But it’s a fairly decent possibility that you are just not as nice of a guy as you think you are.

I am not saying this about every nice guy, there are plenty of men out there that are legitimately nice. These are generally not the fedora-wearing guys who advertise how nice they are, like they should get some sort of a medal for acting like a normal human being. Who also then call you a cunt when you didn’t throw them a parade for having the decency to say hello before they (essentially) whipped their dicks out and plopped them on your kitchen table.

There are different levels of “nice guys”, and being perpetually single I have encountered all of them. These are the guys who can’t figure out why women don’t like them, and don’t have the self-awareness to realize that women don’t dislike them for being nice, they dislike them because they actually aren’t nice at all. These men are very different men but they for some reason share the common belief: they are nice guys, so we should have sex with them.

The Friendship Guy. I first encountered one when a family friend tried to set me up with her brother-in-law. He was nice enough so I agreed to go out with him, but on the day of the date I felt really sick and had to cancel. I had intended to reschedule for a couple of days later, but he went on what felt like a campaign to catch me lying about being sick. Super unattractive.

I decided to keep things between us strictly platonic, since we would have to see a fair amount of each other and I didn’t want things to be awkward if it inevitably didn’t work out. I made it pretty clear that I just wanted to be friends and started dating someone else, and because I was close with his family we remained friendly right up until my relationship ended. My relationship with my ex ended up pretty toxic, so when it ended I decided I need to take some time to be alone and work out some of my issues that landed me in back-to-back toxic relationships. 

Instead of giving me space, he started to bully me into a relationship I neither wanted or was ready for, all because he was a “nice guy” and would be so much better for me than the other assholes I had dated. He spent months trying to convince me that he knew what was best for me, and when he finally got the idea that I was never going out with him, he started campaigning for me to just have sex with him. Because we were “friends” and its “only sex”.

So because he gave me friendship (sub-par friendship at that), he felt like I should, at the very least, have sex with him. Which honestly is just kind of gross. Don’t pretend to be “just a friend” when you have some sort of ulterior motive, and then complain about being friend-zoned when you can’t handle being friends with someone you have romantic interest in. Just don’t be friends with them.

Stop acting like you’re doing us some sort of massive favor by allowing us to friend-zone you.

The Drinks Guy (Take on Date, Buy Her Drinks, Profit). A couple months ago, I went on a date with a guy who told me, on said date, that he was going to be moving out of state in a couple months so he wasn’t looking for anything serious.

I had some health issues going on that prevented me from having sex, so I was upfront with him about what was going on health-wise, as well as upfront that I wasn’t really looking for a hook-up and didn’t really want to get attached since he was leaving. But I liked him and told him we could continue to hang out till he left, maybe at the very least as friends and see what happened from there.

After that first date, we continued to text but didn’t see each other again . Eventually, I would only hear from him every couple of weeks. I was dating other people, and had a small window of time where I could have sex before I wasn’t able to for a month. I decided to use it on someone I had zero-interest in seeing again, and it ended up being a pretty bad time, so I wrote about it (see my earlier post Harlot for that story).

I write my posts as things happen and schedule them to be published later, so the Harlot situation had actually happened two weeks prior to the blog entry posting. I had made the mistake of telling this guy about my Instagram and blog (something I definitely do not do anymore), so when the post went up he read about it. Coincidentally, a few days before he read the post he had texted me trying to make plans and how he wanted to “cuddle and stuff”. At the time, I told him again about what was happening with my health, and how it involved me not being able to have sex for a month.

 

As soon as he read it, I got a barrage of texts accusing me of lying to him about why I couldn’t sleep with him, even though he had taken me on a “nice date.” As if I owed him any more of an explanation than what I had given him the first time we met.

Not only that, but we went on one date and then didn’t see each other again. Even if I just wanted to sleep with him, when would I have had the time [did he expect me to contact him out of the blue]? Did he expect me to say to the other guy “oh no you’re kind of a dick and even though I could totally just bang you and never talk to you again and be 1000% fine with it, let me just call this guy I went on one date with and bang him instead because we did have a good time that one time.” On what planet does that even make sense.

The Insult Guy. These are the guys who wave the nice guy flag around everywhere they go. It’s in their dating profiles. They’ll constantly tell you how nice they are. They practically have a t-shirt made just to tell you that they are Nice Guys™.

They usually lead with something creepy and sexual (or both) and then get IMG_1752mad because you aren’t interested in their straight-up creepy advances. One minute you’re the most gorgeous

IMG_1751queen they’ve ever seen, the next they’re calling you a cunt and telling you to kill yourself. Just because you said you weren’t into anal on the first date.

I would imagine that these are the type of guys that just snap one day and become serial killers or something.

They are the loudest teller of tales of women not liking them because they are just “too nice.” They fail to include the part where they barely even say hello to a girl before asking what her thoughts on foot fetishes are.

Don’t get me wrong, there are a ton of guys who are genuinely nice guys. Most of whom are in relationships with women who appreciate them, because women do in fact like nice guys. They don’t need to advertise their niceness for the world to see, because it speaks for itself.

I have gone on dates with plenty of nice guys, but they aren’t as exciting to write about. Things just didn’t work out, and it had nothing to do with them being too nice. There are so many other parts to building a relationship than just the guy being nice. The bottom line: if you think you are a nice guy and women just aren’t interested in you, there’s a good possibility that the only person who thinks you’re a nice guy is you (and your mom probably).

Bad Romance

Have you ever had sex and it was so bad that you felt like you owed your vagina an apology when it was finally over? That was me Sunday night.  I have for the most part sworn off one night stands and fuck buddies, but I have been really in my feels lately trying to figure out what I’m doing with my life and just generally disappointed by dating in general so after dinner and a few drinks with friends when the opportunity for a hook up came about I took it.

I had recently changed my tinder settings to include men ages 21-35 which I think makes me a cougar but I’m not sure. I don’t really know why I decided to do it but I think it was a combination of me being sick getting weirdly timed poorly lit selfies from middle-aged men and I maybe had gone on one too many dates with men over 30 who for the most part haven’t learned that you cant hurt everyone who tries to care about you just because someone did it to you. On day one I matched with some 22-year-old kid who wasn’t far away from me. He was pretty adamant that he was going to somehow manage to rock my world. I guess I did kind of set him up for failure when he told me how women have told him how “good he was with his hands and tongue” to which I responded, “yeah no one is ever going to tell you it was terrible but thanks for playing”.

When he was messaging me earlier in the day I said it was a possibility. I knew I had been super in my feels and probably needed to get some and I also knew I was gonna have a few drinks so I figured I would leave it open-ended so that if I was feeling like I get some cradle robbing strange I would have the opportunity to. Around the 6th vodka soda, I mentioned that I might be into it. Next thing I knew he was in the car on the way to Worcester and at that point I felt bad about backing out so I just gave him my address.

So he comes over and he’s a nice enough kid. We start getting things going and he can’t uh… rise to the occasion. He starts losing his mind and literally SLAPS HIS OWN DICK. I’m just sitting there like woah- we are in my own house- how can I get out of this. I thought he was going to cry. He finally ends his limpdick induced breakdown and we start hooking up and suddenly I wasn’t sure if I had a vagina or a construction site down there because he was like a god damn jackhammer.  The whole ordeal only lasted about 20 minutes but damn it was the longest 20 minutes of my life. It was one of those experiences that made me wish I had never moved my emergency hammer away from next to my bed.

Ghost Stories

I’ve made a career out of trolling guys on Tinder. Its become basically the only hobby I have, that and going on dates with guys who mostly aren’t right for me. A few months ago I met this guy who lived on the Army base near a restaurant I worked at in high school. He was hot, and in the army which somehow made him 10x hotter, and he was charming and funny so when he asked me to meet him for drinks I didn’t hesitate.

You ever end up on a date with someone that is just so good looking that you feel like your being punked because they are way too hot to be hanging out with you? That was how I felt on this date, and I almost never feel like someone is out of my league but I felt like that on this date. We had so much in common that I felt like I was on a date with myself. It was one of the few dates that when it ended I knew for sure I wanted to see him again. We made plans the next day to go for drinks later in the week and he asked me if I would consider going to the military ball with him in April if we were still hanging out. I love a good ball so obviously, I said hell yes.

After that, he started being kind of a dick and bailed on our date for later that week, didn’t make plans to reschedule and eventually just kind of disappeared. I’m not that girl who is gonna pursue someone who is clearly not interested in me or waste my time trying to talk to someone who doesn’t make an effort to try and talk to me so I just moved on and continued going on a bunch of dates and kind of forgot about him until Easter when he texted me clearly hammered trying to get a booty call. I guess something about Christ rising from the dead really got his engine revving. After a few different versions of me telling him there wasn’t a chance in hell that I would ever sleep with him he eventually stopped texting me.

I didn’t hear from him again for over a month until one Saturday morning when he texted me “I don’t care if you won’t fuck me….I just want to be friends”. I can get down with that. One of my closest guy friends is a guy that I had hooked up with a few years ago who completely ghosted me after. When he first started messaging me I totally hated his guys but eventually, I came to terms with the fact that we would have really sucked together anyway and the worlds greatest friendship story was born. I didn’t expect that that would be the case with this guy, but since I have been struggling to make new friends any way I figured at the very least I could give him a chance.  It lasted about four hours up until he asked if he could take me home after my shift that day. That was about when I realized that we both had very different ideas about what friendship was.

I thought that was gonna be the last time I heard from him but he proceeded to text me every Saturday for like a month with some variation about how he wanted to just be friends and complain about how terrible his life was. Which I get it, he’s seen some shit and he needs someone to talk to, I can respect that and I can lend a sympathetic ear but then he would get progressively drunker as the day went on and start trying to bang me. Eventually, I just started resending him screenshots of our conversation from the previous week to save us both the aggravation of rehashing the same conversation over and over. He claimed he never remembered any of it and I think he actually wound up blocking my number during the most recent conversation because I wasn’t giving in to banging him. I guess the moral of the story here is- Block everyone they aren’t your friend .

The tipping point

Sometimes I wonder if I have become so comfortable and attached to my singleness that I’m unintentionally sabotaging potential relationships because I’m just not ready to give it up. I always start dating a guy and at first, he’s cool but after a couple weeks, I start finding something wrong and slowly but surely this (probably small)  thing becomes a massive deal breaker. Its like I’m the Goldilocks of men- Goldi-cocks if you will.

I once went on a few dates with a guy who was a restaurant manager. He was really nice to me whenever we went out but he had nothing to talk about except his job. He was so obsessed with his job that two of our dates were to the restaurant he worked at. I asked him what his long terms goals were, which for me means things like do you want to buy a house or have a family but the only goals he had were career goals and his career goals all had to do with this one restaurant he was working in. It got incredibly boring really fast- and I work in the industry so I get how consuming it is but he literally had nothing to talk about. He also treated the waitstaff like shit, he would go into “manager mode” (his words) and start acting like an asshole to whoever was taking care of us. It was obvious that he had never been a waiter ever and it was really embarrassing especially for me who waitresses part-time.

I really believe that the way a guy treats waitstaff is a really good indication of how they are going to treat you. So things, like being rude or not tipping the server, are huge issues for me.  I always make it a point to watch how much my date tips the waitstaff. Tipping is 20% if you are too cheap to give your server a good tip for decent service than I don’t have time for you. I have been on a ton of dates and I have never once had service that was so bad that it warranted a shitty tip. If you are having a good time with the person you’re with you shouldn’t even be focusing on the server.

Also, I know its 2018 but I literally cannot stand men who smoke pot. Like it’s not even about the pot-  smoke all the pot you want but it’s this whole 420 friendly stupidity that I can’t stand. I realize that the fact that I don’t smoke is like a rarity but like what if I told you that you could smoke weed and not have to talk about it all the time. Its the equivalent of a cross fitter or a strict vegan. I don’t feel the need to tell everyone I’m vodka friendly….  just smoke your devil’s lettuce and shut the hell up about it. As long as your not spending all your money on weed I could really care less if that’s what you do to unwind. We all have our vices, as long as you can support your habit, pay your bills you do you, but for most of these guys, this is like a lifestyle much like the “manager mode” guy I dated it doesn’t seem like they have anything to talk about other than smoking pot.

Maybe these things aren’t as big deal breakers as they seem. As much as I like to think I’m like the dream girl maybe I am just not as ready for a relationship as I thought I was. I feel like everything in my life is so up in the air right now. Like I’m not even sure what I want anymore. I have been feeling very out of place in my own life lately, I uprooted my entire life to take a job that I thought would advance my career but all that job has done lately is kind of make me sad. I kind of realized lately that I don’t know anymore where I want to end up, that I have always done things that weren’t right for me because I was afraid of hurting people or leaving people behind, and in doing so I was the one got left behind.

 

 

Pen Pals

One of the worst things about online dating, or I guess dating in general is this weird ass group of men who only want to sext you and exchange pictures. Like I don’t know about anyone else but I didn’t join tinder to find a pen pal. If I wanted one of those I would just write to someone in prison, they definitely need it more than your ass (probably) sitting in your mom’s basement fighting with 12 year olds on Xbox live (I’m not sure that’s even a thing anymore?), and it would probably be considerably less effort than having to talk to most of these guys.

These guys come in many different shapes and sizes. First there’s the ever-present “send a pic hun” guy. Something about a guy calling me hun literally makes me gag but that’s a me 1different thing entirely. They aren’t even necessarily asking for nudes, most of them just want you to send them a bunch of selfies.  First off -I am not a selfie person, not to say I don’t think I look damn good, I just don’t think I need to have 700 pictures of myself on my phone, I know what I look like and you messaged me on my internet dating profile which has like six pictures of me which means you also know what I look like. These guys usually do this at like 7 o’clock in the morning before  I have barely had my coffee. I think it’s because they think most women aren’t awake enough to reject them.  I will usually tell them I’m not into that or that I don’t really have any pictures to send. Then they want you to take one. Bro it is 7am, I have barely had my coffee and even if I didn’t think this whole exchanging pics thing was weird af I would not be starting any photo shoots to send you pics so you can jerk off to them later- sorry. If they really push it I do have a decent amount of super unflattering photos that I will send. Especially if they ask for something “sexy”. Sure- heres this picture of me eating cake in a sombrero… enjoy.

Then there’s the sneak attack selfie guy. It starts off as a fairly normal conversation and then all of a sudden you get some weird ass super unflattering way to up close picture of his face. And it always happens at like the weirdest times. One minute we’re talking about our plans for the weekend and the next thing you know you get the weirdest possibly worse picture someone has ever taken of themselves. I think they’re expecting me to say they look hot or something but it’s so awkward so I usually respond with something along the lines of “thanks for your face I guess” hoping they’ll feel as awkward as I do, or I’ll try to ignore it and hope it goes away. It never goes away, they usually follow it up by sending three more variations of the same picture (for good measure I guess) or ask”what did you think”. Like to be honest I think you should probably run these by a female friend before sending them to any potential women you might be interested in so they can tell you how fucking weird it is- but that feels mean and I’m not mean so “thanks for your face” it is. Like I have flat-out told men how weird and creepy I think it is and 10 seconds later I get a barrage of pictures, and when you don’t respond in a way that’s satisfying they get all mad because “clearly you’re not into this”- as if you didn’t just tell them you weren’t into four minutes before they decided to send it to you.

If they aren’t sending you  bad inappropriately timed selfies and begging for pictures they’re sending you dick pic. I would love to find just one woman who is really into the dick pic. Like unless your dick is covered in glitter I probably don’t want to see it. YannoDick pics what I do wanna see pictures of? Your dog- send me a dog pic that’s what really impresses me. I have  gotten so many dick pics since I got on tinder that I started responding to them with pictures of better looking dicks. Like originally I was responding to them with pictures of my cat (yanno- here’s a picture of my pussy) but then I got the idea to respond with pictures of better looking dicks and it was the smartest thing I’ve ever done. My favorite part is like you send them a dick pic in response to a dick pic and these guys so confused they are always like “why do I need this?”- well why did you think I need yours? Like we were just talking about the weather and now I have this picture of your dick looking like a shar pei, I didn’t ask for that. Now we both have a picture of something we didn’t need- you’re welcome. I really want to know how they think it’s gonna go down when they send something like that. Do they think theirs is like the first one I’ve ever seen? I have news for you- your girl has seen quite a few dicks in her day and if you’ve seen one you’ve seen them all. They also seem to always want naked pictures of you. I have had several guys even go as far as offering me money for nudes. The other day I had a guy offer me $100 for nudes (including a picture of my asshole….who the hell is even capable of doing that? I am dying to know) and $200 for sex (which seems like an unfair trade considering he was offering $100 for a “spread” of pictures). I told him that seemed pretty hookery, and he told me I was “only a hooker if I do it all the time”. Solid logic I guess. Like yeah guys I have pretty amazing boobs but you can’t just go around showing strange men all the amazing things about yourself without making them work for it at least a little.

Last- my least favorite, are the sexters. These guys don’t even want to pretend they give a shit about how your day went. You barely even get a hello out and all of a sudden its like your under attack. I am totally not a prude either, like in the right situation I can get totally down with the dirty pictures and the dirty text messages- but not with some guy I just started talking to four minutes ago. No random guy has ever initiated a dirty conversation with me and I’ve just been like damn this is so great I hope this continues. These are the guys who always want to talk about what a huge dick they have too. I am a firm believer that it’s not the size of the ship its the motion of the ocean but have you ever noticed that no matter how many guys you talk to they all have 8+ inch dicks. And even with photographic proof of their four-inch wonder they still wanna act like its gonna be the biggest thing you’ve. Listen bro I have seen a measuring tape a few times in my day and I can tell the difference between a 5 inches and 8 inches, you aren’t fooling anyone except yourself buddy.

There are so many guys out there who are incapable of carrying on a normal conversation. God forbid they don’t get the response they want then they start getting hostile. If you don’t ohh and ahh over their weird selfie or the dick pic you never asked for all of a sudden your fat and ugly and unworthy of their shrivel dick in the first place.  Like I’m fat but you’re the fucking weirdo who can’t step out from behind your cell phone to get to know a girl before you start acting like a sexual predator. Like nobody asked for this? I thought we were going to have a friendly conversation about our likes and dislikes but all of a sudden you’re having a tantrum because you aren’t getting enough attention in the middle of a work day.

28

I’m not going to meet my husband on tinder, or POF, or OkCupid- or any of those other websites for that matter. I mean- I wouldn’t be against it, and I wouldn’t shut down the possibility of a real relationship, but lets be real tinder and all those other dating aps are meant specifically for hookups. It’s just that I spent so much time over the past two years getting lame dick when I could have been asleep that I really don’t have the patience for it anymore. For real most of these guys couldn’t achieve a female orgasm if we came with an instructional video and a map. It got incredibly boring, and since I haven’t lived in this city very long and haven’t managed to make many friends  I started getting kind of lonely. After my 957th lame hookup I deleted the ap, but after a breif hiatus I got bored again- this time for different reasons so I decided to re download  and approach tinder differently, and actually date- something I have never done.

Since ending my hoe phase I’ve probably been going on 3-5 dates a week. Most of them were ok, just not people I wanted to see again (example: a 28 year old man still living at home because he “didn’t feel like paying bills”) or maybe the timing was off, or the initial date was great but the guy wound up being a huge flake.

Flakiness is one of my biggest pet peeves, seriously there’s  nothing worse than a guy who starts out really good but then can’t follow through with anything after the first date. Like I am a pretty understanding girl and I get that things come up but if you just blatantly bail on me or  frequently cancel or reschedule at the last possible minute I am not going to keep seeing you- no one is that busy that they can’t have common decency, if your that guy then really your just kind of a dick.

thumbnail (1)I also can’t stand guys who think that just because they spend an hour with you or buy you a couple drinks that they are entitled to sex. I got a message from a 33 year old man a couple weeks ago which was basically an overly worded version of him telling me that he would like to take me on a date but if he were to take me on a date he would expect some sort of sexual compensation – for example a hand job- to prove that I wasn’t just using him for free drinks or as a time filler. Yes- you did read that- a grown ass man asked for a middle school hand job in order to take me on a date. Like no thanks bro, I can buy my own drinks.

I want to preface this by saying that I’m not a paranoid person, but I also don’t want a CSI episode written based on my untimely death, and there’s only so many times I could’ve borrowed my neighbors stun gun before she started to question what I was really doing three to five nights a week that required a stun gun. And since I am literally summoning men from the internet to meet me in bars there is no guarantee that I won’t wind up in a dumpster so you really can’t be to careful because you just don’t know what your going to run into.

I once had to have the police tell a tinder guy to stop harassing me  (he literally sent 500drink-e1524011504368.jpg texts in one day and when i blocked his number he called me 65 times from a private number and left a bunch of crazy voicemails) so now I always make sure I share my location with a couple of people and for the most part I try to bring all first dates to the same two restaurants. One is a pricier restaurant that I really enjoy- where I sort of know a bartender well enough that he  would notice if something was wrong. I really only bring guys there if I feel like they would enjoy the experience and if I have enough cash in my budget to go halves because it is on the expensive side and I wouldn’t feel right going there with the expectation that he would pay for a 100$ meal for a girl he barely knows, isn’t going to get laid by, and chances are will only maybe see one or two more times before things fizzle out. The other bar is a more casual place with 5$ cocktails and a huge beer selection – cheap enough where I don’t mind paying for my own drinks if I have to and my friends boyfriend is a bartender there. I also feel like I have frequented that bar enough over the past year that people working there would probably notice if something was going terribly wrong, plus they have the best nachos in the city.

So with all those dates I figured someone had to have noticed that I am there usually sitting in exactly the same bar stool with  several different guys a week. I was actually starting to feel a little insecure about it, so much so that I had recently posted on facebook “how many dates can I bring to the same bar before the staff starts to notice- asking for a friend”. Most people figured they probably had noticed by now, but I got the real answer last weekend at my birthday party. I don’t care that I’m almost 30 I celebrate my birthday for pretty much an entire week.

I started my birthday weekend by getting wine and cheese and chocolate at that niceish restaurant that I bring some of my dates to with one of my friends from home. We got pretty friendly with our waiter and talked about some of our dating experiences. The next night a bunch of us went bowling and then out to the bars after. A couple of the waitstaff at the bar I bring most of my dates to were there and since my friend knew just about everyone  we started talking to them and I jokingly asked if they had noticed yet how many different dates i take to that restaurant. They do, and they eavesdrop and pretty much take bets (fair) and make sure the guy I’m with isn’t going to murder me, and for the most part they all think I can do much better than some of the guys I’ve been out with. I also ran into my waiter from the previous night who remembered me and my friend (first and last names) and gave me a code word to use to let him know if I was ever in trouble on a date, so that he could help me get out of it.

To be honest, these are the most comforting things anyone’s ever told me. It’s not that I don’t believe I can do better than most of the guys I’ve been going out with, but in a world that thinks you should settle because its better than being alone and I’m not getting any younger its nice to hear that, because as a person who did settle for 10 years for treated worse than shit by the men I was with because she had low self-esteem. I know for a fact that settling is not worse than being alone. That being alone and being alone is significantly better than being alone and being with someone. So its nice to hear that strangers think I can do better than most of these tinder idiots who for the most part are only slightly less lazy than the guys I spent the last two years just hooking up with because at the very least they will take a girl on a proper date before expecting to get laid.  But the most comforting part of all of it is knowing that despite the fact that I am at least an hour away from most of my friends and family there are still people out there who would notice and step in if something was going on wrong. It made me feel not quite so alone in a city where for the past year- even though I have been having alot of fun- I have felt pretty lonely and that was probably the best birthday gift that I got this year.