Brush your shoulders off

I’m not sure if this is the best or the worst thing about me, but I always push things as far as I possibly can. So last week when I got yet another message from a guy asking me if he could be my sugar daddy I responded the same way I responded to the other 750 guys who send me messages asking me to pay me for sex, I gave him my venmo and told him to put his money where his mouth was and send me something to prove he was serious.

I never expect anyone to actually send me money. I figured he would do what every other guy has done and disappear or tell me to go fuck myself. Instead, this guy paid me $25. It wasn’t a ton of money but it was the most money anyone has ever given me for no reason and it was enough to pay my bar tab that night so I was thrilled. Totally confused, but thrilled.

After he sent me the money he started asking me for pictures. Obviously, I’m not into that and even if I was my nudes are worth way more than $25 so there was no chance I was gonna send him anything. He wanted to know what he was going to get for his money, I let him know that he was getting an opportunity to “interview for the sugar daddy position”. I figured that was going to be the last time I ever heard from him but I guess that was a satisfying enough response because he asked me if I wanted to get drinks the following week.

I probably shouldn’t have agreed to meet him, but to be honest, I wasn’t totally sure if he was actually that much of a creep or if he didn’t just send me the money to call my bluff.  If that was the case I was kinda into it, but I figured at the very least if we actually did meet for drinks it was probably going to be hilariously weird, and its not like I would’ve had much else to do, and it was a public place so really the worst thing that was gonna happen was that he was actually a total creep.

We were supposed to meet for drinks Monday night. I asked him if we were going to discuss my allowance on our date. I was mostly kidding but apparently, he wasn’t because homeboy actually started discussing how much money he was willing to give me every week and what he was going to expect from me in return.

It was super weird especially since what he wanted were really vanilla things that most women do for free, and he was a good looking guy so there really was no reason he should even NEED to pay for sex. I guess it’s just his kink, to each their own I guess. He started asking me to send him pictures, and once again I decided to see how far I could push things, so I told him I was going to need some sort of deposit on the sugar daddy arrangement in order to send him anything.

I seriously thought he was finally going to tell me to go fuck myself or something but instead, he started negotiating a price for me to send him pictures of my boobs. I told him I wanted $250, at this point, I just wanted to see how much I could get out of him before he unmatched me. I didn’t think he would actually seriously negotiate a price for a picture of my boobs, but we wound up settling on $150 for a picture on snapchat with no face and I wanted the money first because ” this wasn’t mamas first rodeo” (it totally was my first rodeo).

I basically shit my pants when he actually added me on snapchat and then venmoed me the full $150. He drove a hard bargain but one thing he missed during the negotiation process was the clause that said they had to be naked boobs. He must’ve been super surprised when he opened his snap chat the next day and found a picture of my boobs, completely covered by my t-shirt.

Probably not what he was expecting, but sometimes, when you play stupid games you win stupid prizes and I became $175 richer for doing absolutely nothing.  Naturally, I haven’t heard from him since and as expected he blew off our date  which isn’t really much of a tragedy, his venmo featured his full first and last name, which I looked up on facebook along with the city he told me lived in which is where I found all the pictures of his girlfriend. So not only is he a creep trying to pay girls money for sex he’s also cheating on someone so, to be honest maybe I was a little bit of a scumbag taking money from him but in the end, he did kind of get what he deserved.

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I’ve reached a point in my life where having a sugar daddy doesn’t feel like such a bad idea anymore. Coming from me that’s pretty bad since I’ve seen first hand through someone I used to be close with what that lifestyle actually entails. I’ve reached a point in my job where I have to actively talk myself out of changing my name and driving to the other side of the country every morning when I get in the car to go there. A sugar daddy would solve my work problem, as well as my dating problem. I am one bad date away from just getting another cat, something I actively considered during my last encounter.

A couple years ago I went out with this guy who shared my unending love of Obama 27-4Biden memes. Regardless of what your political stance is you cannot not love a good Obama Biden meme. This guy was probably only the second date I had been on since my relationship ended, and actually probably in my entire life. He was nice enough but we split the bill which was pretty unimpressive for a first date, and he didn’t kiss me which was kind of weird. I was still in my having no idea how to date phase of life so for the second date I invited him over to watch tv or whatever. I honestly forget why I invited him over, maybe it was also during that time where I thought I could cook and I was attempting to make him dinner. He came over, we did whatever it was I invited him over to do, and he tried to get a blowjob. It was prehoe phase which was this weird window of time where I really thought I was gonna find love on tinder (lol) and I wasn’t hooking up with guys before the third date (because that’s the magic date right?). He left and after a couple days, I didn’t hear from him again. He just blatantly stopped responding and unmatched me on bumble. He weirdly continued to like everything on my Instagram and Facebook pages but never responded to my texts. I think one night I got kind of drunk and finally texted him and basically yelled at him about how weird it was that he just disappeared but continued to haunt my social media (ala that time I drunkenly texted a guy who had blown me off and told him “my time is a gift” after my work Christmas party).

After that, I guess I blocked him on all my social media, which I don’t remember doing so I really didn’t hear from him for a few months. Until one super weird night where he started sending me a bunch of Obama Biden memes. He didn’t say anything or respond to any of my messages he just kept sending memes. They were happening at like 5-minute intervals for like two hours. I want to say he did it more than once. It was weird as hell, he never said anything at all just sent a bunch of memes and that was it. It is still among the weirdest things a guy has done to me in the dating pool to this day and I have made an entire Instagram page and blog out of dating weirdness.

So fast forward to last week. I have a second personal Instagram page that I accidentally created because I’m computer illiterate and had accidentally locked myself out of my

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This is the weird NOT FUNNY meme he sent me

Instagram. Somehow in trying to reset my password, I managed to create a second Instagram page. I’ve just kept it linked to my other pages ever since because whatever. So I get this notification last week that meme guy wants to follow my accidental Instagram. I’m over being mad/ weirded out at this point and also I’m incredibly nosy (my biggest downfall) so I follow him back. Next thing I know he’s sliding into my DM’s with another Biden meme. It’s not even a good one. So now I’m more confused because this guy I haven’t heard from in two years is sending me this shitty meme that isn’t funny and doesn’t make sense.  I thought it was gonna end at that like the last weird time he reached out to me so I messaged him back and asked if he was just planning to send me a bunch of memes and not talk to me again or if he actually wanted something. He responds with “I know we got disconnected at one point but I saw you on bumble and was wondering if you’d like to go out again or if you had moved on”.

Got disconnected? Bitch! You ghosted me and then spent months haunting my social media and sending me memes but saying nothing else. Do you think I forgot how weird that was? And wtf you mean by moved on? We went on two dates and I paid for my own drinks so I don’t even know if that qualifies it as a date what the fuck you think I had to move on from? Nonetheless, the idiot in me who just wanted to see what was gonna happen and gave him my phone number so we could start talking again and he literally never reached out to me. Which might possibly be weirder than if he had just sent me a bunch of memes and not said anything like the last time. I’m just confused, like this seems like a lot of effort to go through to get someone’s number and then just never talk to them. I really only give people one chance with me so it wasn’t like I was going to go out with him (this is a lesson I learned after multiple failed relationships) its just weird af.