Kiss Kiss Bang Bang

A couple weeks ago I met this guy on OkCupid and he initially seemed like he was pretty cool. We talked for about a week or so before we made plans to meet for drinks. Somewhere between the bachelorette weekend I was on and the day we were supposed to meet up I started feeling like he was really full of shit about a lot of things. I like to keep an open mind so I decided that despite the fact that I wasn’t really feeling it I was going to go anyway. I have gone on plenty of dates that I really didn’t want to go on and wound up really enjoying myself.

I had had a particularly rough day at work before we met up for drinks so I wasn’t exactly on my A game, I probably should’ve canceled but I really need a drink and I was (am) pretty sure I was getting fired so I really really needed a free drink. Several free drinks so I sucked it up and met up with him. I was initially supposed to meet him at the beach but it was going to be a two-hour drive so we opted to meet somewhere halfway. It worked out that the halfway point was a bar I used to work for so we met there.

The date was fine, he was good looking but something about it was just so awkward. I just wasn’t feeling it but I couldn’t put my finger on why. Then he told me he was a “gamer” and it was kind of all downhill from there. It’s one thing to play video games and that’s fine I totally get that, it’s not really my thing but its a decent pastime but when someone refers to themselves as a gamer all I really see is like this middle-aged guy in his mom’s basement with the headset and a ketchup stain on his shirt telling 12 year old kids to kill themselves. He also told me that one of his major hobbies is political trolling on twitter. Think like Chrissy Teigan but probably less funny. There wasn’t anything particularly wrong with him but we just didn’t click.

When the date was over he wanted to take a walk on the rail trail behind the bar. The rail trail is literally an unlit path through the woods and I was really not about to enter the dark woods with a guy I had just met like three hours before. I was trying to nicely just say goodnight so I could do a lap around the building and eat some pizza (because I was starving) and get a couple more drinks but then he wanted to sit in his car since I wouldn’t go for a walk in the woods. The thing I dislike most when on a date is when a guy tries to make out with or bang you in his car after a first date. First of all- I am like 30, if I want to make out with you I will take you to my house, that I live in alone and do it there like a god damn adult. I’m not gonna take you to my tiny ass car so you can suck the soul out of me like a god damnd dementor. The first date is already awkward enough without someone trying to motorboat you in a Denny’s parking lot.

I am too nice to say no so I get in the car with him. The next thing I know he was like full on assaulting my face. I felt so weird about it that I had to actively stop myself from laughing. I felt like I was under attack. Just when I thought it couldn’t get any more awkward he bites me! But not in a good way- it was like he bit my entire mouth at the same time. I had to get out of the car or I was going to start hysterically laughing in his mouth so I made up something about needing to pee and that one of my friends inside was too drunk to drive home and I made my escape. I was super thankful that we had gone to a place where I knew people so I could use them as my out. About an hour later he texted me and apologized for our makeout session being “rougher than I’m used to”. ROUGHER THAN IM USED TO???? That was a full-on facial assault! At that point I knew I for sure had to end things before they went any further.

Over the next couple days I politely awkwardly distanced myself because I didn’t have the heart to tell him I didn’t want to go out with him again. Especially after he made a weird comment about being my boyfriend soon ( after one date…come on broooo). I think he eventually caught on because eventually he just sent me a bunch of weird Porn Hub memes and stopped texting me which I was pretty thankful for.

This post is dedicated in loving memory of Rudy Zuccaro 02.28.93-06.21.18

Saint Gertrude of Nivelles… The Patron Saint of Cats.

I find it incredibly appropriate that March 17 is Saint Patricks Day as well as Saint Gertrudes day. Maybe its because I’m 1/2 Irish and almost every date I go on makes me want to get another cat (the count is at 3 right now- just so were clear).  Saint Patricks Day 2018 was a day that further solidified that maybe I should give up on men and continue on my path of Cat Ladydom.

In addition to a my full time job I also work part time in a bar that I’ve worked in since I was a teenager. Its an hour from where I  live now but I like working there because I know alot of the customers and I have been working there about 100 years so its comfortable, and without fail theres always something weird happening.

Last weekend I waited on a table of guys- and I am always super friendly and talktaive with my tables, partly because I’m friendly but mostly because I’m a waitress and it is literally my job to be nice to you. We wound up learning that one of the guys knew my little brother so we talked about that for a little while- the bar closed and I started heading home. I get a facebook friend request from one of the friendlier and better looking guys at the table. We had been joking earlier in the night about how bad we are at names so I decided to message him and comment on how proud I was of him for remembering mine. It was that moment where he unleashed his barrage of invitations for sex at his parents house (he was a college student about 22 years old home on break, and I am a grown ass woman who 1- doesnt sleep with customers and 2 doesnt sleep with boys in their moms basements) Here are some highlights “I’m not the kind of girl to come by at 130 in the morning- Good thing its 134 plus I came by your place all night so now its your turn” “Do you always try to booty call your waitresses? – No but I thought you were interested because we kept talking” and my personal favorite “if you ever wanna get dinner I am totally that kind of girl, I also make a great friend. – Well technically we already had dinner, I offered you cheesy bread- that is true I guess i better put out after all- yeah you should that was like a beautiful candle lit cheesy bread dinner”.

While all of this is happening a guy who had added me on facebook from tinder also started messaging me. I really need to stop letting the guys I’m trolling on tinder and POF add me on facebook/ snap chat/ follow me on instagram. It’s just getting to weird- I had let another guy add me on fb and he stumbled across my truelifetinder instagram page and now he wont stop sending me links to his facebook meme pages. THEY ARENT EVEN GOOD MEMES. I digress- so while this horny teenage boy is fb messaging me inviting me to his moms basement this guy that I let add me on FB starts sending me videos of him playing guitar.  No explanation at all just videos of him playing guitar and finally he says “this is just for you” I was just like oh…thank you? and starts going on and on about how he cant trust anyone other than his dog and how his dog is so scary and how he only talks to me because he wants to be my FWB but I wont let him be my FWB. At this point its like 330 in the morning at this point and I am getting a barrage of messages asking me if I want “DP” so I can see what i would get with “FWB” at this point I just stop responding because I have no idea what hes even talking about. I think I was just to tired at that point for it to register to me that “DP” meant dick pic.

Every day I am just one bad date or DM away from getting more cats. It occured to me last week that my only hobby is literally going on dates for free vodka and making fun of guys on the internet. So I have been valiantly searching for new hobbies for people who don’t have hobbies. So far Ghost Hunting, and Falconry are very strong possibilities for me. I actually have met one guy who I have been seeing for about a month so I have not actually been going on dates with anyone other than him.  But that is starting to slow down and I am starting to feel like we are at the end of that road- which is fine. He did warn me on our first date that he “is a rockstar and doesn’t play his cards right”. Which I guess would be what made him exactly my type. Maybe there will be more on this situation at a later date, but since I am sort of unsure where this path leads I don’t really want to say to much on that subject. So for now I will stick to sort of dating a rock star (I have been calling myself the future girlfriend of a rockstart, because lets face it he said something so ridiculous that he needs to be picked on for it for the rest of our time together”  and continuing to terrorize dudes on Tinder. I know I can still see other people but at the moment I just don’t have the energy to continue to go on 3 bad dates a week when I have a situation going thats sort of pretty ok maybe. So I don’t know whats gonna happen with that but maybe I’ll wind up getting myself a falcon and taking up falconry, or maybe I’ll volunteer at an animal shelter and take home a couple more cats. Maybe I can be the new patron saint of cats, its 2018 anything is possible.